Why do you not have a social life?

[Blimey]

Hi all, recently joined and would love to hear from other ADHD sufferers why they do not have a social life (despite trying )

[spunkysmum]

I'm sure there are a lot of us who are not social butterflies here, but that in no way applies to everybody who has ADHD!

That said, I'm sure it's just a case of a question not coming out the way you meant it.

[fracturedstory]

For one it's exhausting. The environment is usually busy and distracting. Then it's also quite draining listening to people and coming up with things to say, especially when you're not interested.

It's hard to make friends too. I have one friend and I find that's enough for me. I do get lonely at times but I do what I can to socialise. Making and keeping friends is stressful though. I like people to be respectful of differences and that's hard to find. I don't get along with everybody but I try to be nice.

I have a pretty full on family social life though.

I like my solitary interests. I need a lot of time to think and come up with new ideas, and the longer I'm with people the less time I have doing that. I want to have a balance of both but I can't. I mean I've tried to but I've found I've got to put my whole focus into one or the other.

I'm not the best communicator too. And I think I want to get different things from socialising with people than they do. I want to give and take information and they usually want to spend the time together. Spending time can be a good thing but to me it's more about practising my skills. I need to find someone with a similar interest otherwise there's not much I can talk to them about.

There's also the impulsive things I say and my argumentative nature because of being very passionate about some subjects.

[ginniebean]

My life blew up on me, I moved to a new city, nose to the grindstone trying to get back on track, it frightens me, no time.. hell I could come up with many more.

This actually is typical of adhd, so I don't really see a problem with the question itself, etiquette wise it might be phrased a little odd, but it's not like we're at a cocktail party.

[FogNoggin]

I don't have much of a social life by choice.
I am a loner, sure I've had friends as a kid and as a young adult, but as a 43 year old adult, my brother is good enough to hang around.
I really have no desire to accumulate friends to hang around with.
Sometimes I have a drink or so with my brothers friends.

That's OK.

[TheChemicals]

I dont know how to chill.

[Rebelyell]

hmmm cocktail party lol stirs martini w finger and shakes head in agreement in the convo while moi gets inebriated and feels good

[JOHNCG]

Originally Posted by spunkysmum

Isn't this kind of like a "when did you stop beating your wife?" type question?

I'm sure there are a lot of us who are not social butterflies here, but that in no way applies to everybody who has ADHD!

I think Blimey has made a very valid point, nonetheless, SMum.

Clinically it is evident that many individuals with ADHD have severe social impairments. The type of social interaction problems associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) are generally accepted as a co-occurring problem in more than half of all individual with with a diagnosis of ADHD.

There is good evidence, for example, that having few , or no, friends is a common feature of ADHD (Cf: Barkley 1989; Bauermercher et al, 2005)

As for the main reasons, there are are a number that come to mind:...

(1) Emotional Dysregulation/Affective lability. Individuals with ADHD can find it hard to contain their anger and are prone to hot- tempered or even explosive outburst of angry frustration. The recipients of the later (friends and significant others, for example) find it offensive and not something that something that they can ever easy forget.

(2) Verbal Impulsivity. Problems with behavioural inhibition associated with ADHD can result in person with ADHD socially alienating themselves in consequence of an inability to constrain tactless, rude and insulting, etc; verbal outbursts during conversations with their peers. And what is said - although often deeply regretted by the person with ADHD shortly after, cannot ,regardless, ever be taken back, and if the behaviour continues in a chronic pattern (which it is liable to do if the ADHDer is undiagnosed/untreated) the inevitable result is that the individual with ADHD will soon find themselves socially ostracised.

(3) Problems with Cognitive Control ( Executive Functioning), in particular Working Memory.

There is good evidence now that Working Memory is particularly impaired in ADHD relative to other psychiatric disorders associated frontal lobe /Executive Function dysfunction.

Impaired working memory is proposed to result in what Barkley calls (in his Theory of ADHD, 2006) a temporal myopia, or a nearsightedness to the future; and this ,he believes, is in fact the ultimate disability afflicting those with ADHD.

That is, individuals with ADHD cannot "see" the future; they are mired, more or less, (and pathologically) in the present and conrete reality of the temporal "here and now"- of "the moment". And this, Barkley hypothesises, has a profound negative impact on social relationships. The reason being that unless one can "see" the future and so begin to think about, anticipate and prepare for future exigencies, and begin to value delayed over immediate consequences, the willingness to share, cooperate , and reciprocate the sharing of others (that is reciprocal altruism) will not arrise. These quintessentially prosocial behaviours : sharing and cooperation and reciprocal altruism depend on a capacity, as I have said, to sense the future implications of what one (a person) does with others; if some individuals (i.e; those with ADHD-associated Working Memory impairments) cannot stop and think (i.e. see the probable future) before they act, they are far less likely to share, cooperate, keep promises, exchange goods and services, and otherwise engage in social reciprocity and the non-zero sum interactions that are the very heart of human social groups. The inevitable consequence for the individual with ADHD is , once again, social isolation/ostracism.

So, there are three of the main mechanisms (there are many others, by the way) by which ADHD generates social problems for those with the disorder.

Hope this is of some value/interest for you re your original query?

Regards,

John

[Rebelyell]

I have a verbal impulsivity problem and have been trying to ge tit under control for years so dont look like an idiot or get treated like one.My problem is I cant seem to shut up,I talk way too much and say way too much then its like oops too much info too soon. We know what the problems we have are but how do we fix em?Ive been going to a counselor for 5 years,not the same one and it seems the 3 Ive had its just talking and listening and going nowhere.Isnt there any kind of coping/ not to do this or that strategies for us?Im starting to think counseling is a waste of timeand money for myself

[Unmanagable]

Welcome to the forums, Blimey, and thank you for participating.

I tend to get my energy from other people, so I'm usually glad when I can get into the social groove. (Having enough ME time helps tremendously) The downside of getting my energy from others is also picking up on the negative vibes, and that can zap a good time for a lot of peeps in a heart beat.

For me, things like drum circles, humanitarian focused community events, and music venues are my favorite scenes......in small doses. I loathe formal events of any kind.

Where things usually break down for me are in the planning, the remembering, the anxiety (in some cases), and the follow through. All of that is subject to change, or just get totally f'd up, at any given moment, depending on the day.

I used to be quite the social butterfly and life of the party when I was self-medicating with LOTS of alcohol and a plethora of other mind-altering substances. But now, not so much.

Being comfortable in my own skin and in my own mind have presented a whole new challenge, though. Those are things I'd never taken the time or really even learned how to do.

[TheChemicals]

I ocassionally think im that dead frog from the looney tune cartoons from back in the day. Daffy found this frog that could sing and dance but whenever he tried to show it to people the fcking frog feigned death.

Many people see my sing and dance and are like cool, but then when we hang out i do a 180 and feign death. I cant control my speed lever- its fast hyper or dead.

[gatorADDe]

Like fracturedstory said, having a social life is very exhausting to me. I really love being around people I like, but I just hate meeting new people and mingling at social events where I don't know many people. I have a bit of social anxiety though. Whether that's related to ADHD, I dunno. I don't feel like there's any sort of behavioral issue that interferes with my social skills. I just get nervous and would rather avoid the situation altogether.

Also, I can never remember anyone's name that I just met!! When they say their name I have to repeat it 100 times and even then I'll probably still forget.

[crystal8080]

Originally Posted by JOHNCG

I think Blimey has made a very valid point, nonetheless, SMum.

Clinically it is evident that many individuals with ADHD have severe social impairments. The type of social interaction problems associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) are generally accepted as a co-occurring problem in more than half of all individual with with a diagnosis of ADHD.

There is good evidence, for example, that having few , or no, friends is a common feature of ADHD (Cf: Barkley 1989; Bauermercher et al, 2005)

As for the main reasons, there are are a number that come to mind:...

(1) Emotional Dysregulation/Affective lability. Individuals with ADHD can find it hard to contain their anger and are prone to hot- tempered or even explosive outburst of angry frustration. The recipients of the later (friends and significant others, for example) find it offensive and not something that something that they can ever easy forget.

(2) Verbal Impulsivity. Problems with behavioural inhibition associated with ADHD can result in person with ADHD socially alienating themselves in consequence of an inability to constrain tactless, rude and insulting, etc; verbal outbursts during conversations with their peers. And what is said - although often deeply regretted by the person with ADHD shortly after, cannot ,regardless, ever be taken back, and if the behaviour continues in a chronic pattern (which it is liable to do if the ADHDer is undiagnosed/untreated) the inevitable result is that the individual with ADHD will soon find themselves socially ostracised.

(3) Problems with Cognitive Control ( Executive Functioning), in particular Working Memory.

There is good evidence now that Working Memory is particularly impaired in ADHD relative to other psychiatric disorders associated frontal lobe /Executive Function dysfunction.

Impaired working memory is proposed to result in what Barkley calls (in his Theory of ADHD, 2006) a temporal myopia, or a nearsightedness to the future; and this ,he believes, is in fact the ultimate disability afflicting those with ADHD.

That is, individuals with ADHD cannot "see" the future; they are mired, more or less, (and pathologically) in the present and conrete reality of the temporal "here and now"- of "the moment". And this, Barkley hypothesises, has a profound negative impact on social relationships. The reason being that unless one can "see" the future and so begin to think about, anticipate and prepare for future exigencies, and begin to value delayed over immediate consequences, the willingness to share, cooperate , and reciprocate the sharing of others (that is reciprocal altruism) will not arrise. These quintessentially prosocial behaviours : sharing and cooperation and reciprocal altruism depend on a capacity, as I have said, to sense the future implications of what one (a person) does with others; if some individuals (i.e; those with ADHD-associated Working Memory impairments) cannot stop and think (i.e. see the probable future) before they act, they are far less likely to share, cooperate, keep promises, exchange goods and services, and otherwise engage in social reciprocity and the non-zero sum interactions that are the very heart of human social groups. The inevitable consequence for the individual with ADHD is , once again, social isolation/ostracism.

So, there are three of the main mechanisms (there are many others, by the way) by which ADHD generates social problems for those with the disorder.

Hope this is of some value/interest for you re your original query?

Regards,

John

^^ what he said.

With some people I open up to quickly and insert foot in mouth. I talk about inappropriate things that I find funny. They don't. Then in other social interactions I try to be reserved, and people think I'm a snob. Sometimes I click with people, but don't become friends with them. Being a friend means maintenance of that friendship, and I'm just terrible at that. I'm not good at keeping in contact, and then I don't make friends or it fizzles.

There were a few people I became great friends with we were really close, but they grew tired of me and my volatile nature. Had a few too many spats. I do have a few friends who I know will always be my friends, but I don't talk to them as much as I should.

I developed some different social habits. I loved to go to the bar, but I always went by myself and had some people I had a great time with, I would say we were friends, but it always depended on who was there. I would go to the same places and meet the same people, but it was just so casual and I rarely saw any of them outside of nightlife. I thought I liked it because I could do what I wanted.

Now, I kinda do the same thing with this playgroup I take the kids to. Its drop in, I hang with whoever happens to be there and I don't talk to anyone outside of the program. Same with the bootcamp I go to. I am social when I'm there, but don't make friends outside of that.

[TheChemicals]

its hard to have a social network when all you hear is blah blah blah and all youre thinking is "when is this person going to shut the hell up"?

[spunkysmum]

I'm trying to think and I'm having a little trouble coming up for an explanation for why I have not been very social lately. I am wondering, though, if it has something to do with the fact that I am forced at this time to be living in a house with other people, when my ideal situation would be to be living alone. Solitude seems to be the greater need than socialization. If I would living alone I would perhaps seek out more "quality" social time. My boyfriend is always working (dairy farmers work 7 days a week, and ones who run a farm single-handedly while holding down an outside job have even less time left over for life's niceties) and socializing without him makes me feel half there sometimes. Not that it's an issue much since I don't go anywhere much.