When Life Attacks

[ADHDTigger]

Anyone who knows my story knows that I lost my mother in 2008, my aunt in early 2009... just before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer- and subsequently died in 2010 seven months after a dear friend. In 2011 I was diagnosed with- first a severely herniated disk that required surgery within the month and then with heart and lung disease that are treatment resistant and terminal. Two months later I lost my father and a second dear friend. To celebrate 2012, I've lost all but seven teeth and can no longer chew... until I can get dentures at some point in August (I have been unable to chew since April).

It is reasonable to say that I have not had a good... time.

So I was up in Duluth- a city my husband dearly loved- he and his brothers were mostly born and raised there- to visit my husband's grave. I live a couple of hours south of Duluth so I go there every three or four weeks and spend several days there- visiting places we loved and spending hours at his grave.

I arrived late on Monday and exhausted. I moved into my hotel room and tried to finish the placard that belongs on the basket of live flowers that sits at his grave. I made one last year but it inexplicably disappeared. *sigh* At least I know how to do it.

Monday night was cool and pleasant for the most part. I quickly realized that my brain had the cognitive reasoning of cottage cheese so I read up on viral epidemiology until midnight and went to bed.

Tuesday morning was lovely... until around noon when I was pulling myself together to head for the cemetery. Then the weather went to utter h*ll.

Living where I do means that you just deal with changes to the weather. Not this time. I literally went from unlimited visibility to not being able to see 20 feet in a matter of minutes. It cleared and socked in repeatedly in the space of an hour.

Then the rain got serious.

I stayed in my room and prayed for a break in the weather. It never came.

At around 4:00 a.m. one of the harbor seals from the zoo was found on a busy avenue. The zoo had flooded so severely that the seals had simply floated out of their pens. So did a polar bear.

I was supposed to go home to my cats the next morning. Not possible. The highway was closed as were the back roads. They are STILL estimating the damage from the flooding. Last count was well over 80 million.

When I was finally able to get out, I had to go to the cemetery first. Can't explain this and won't try. The cemetery took damage from the storm and subsequent flood... but not at my husband's grave. Still, I felt like dirt for leaving him there and not (being able to) taking him home. I still do.

I drove through a number of areas that made me extremely grateful for the truck my husband bought me before he died. As I drove, my mind was filled with the devastation I had seen, and the conversations my husband and I would have been sharing.

From the global to the ridiculous...

On my return, my fridge broke down and the water softener and water heater started on a southward trend.

I lost it.

Since December to present, I have officially replaced EVERY appliance in this house. I proudly paid off the truck a month ago. Then I spent $10,000 (roughly) to replace appliances whose excuse is that they are more than ten years old.


ADHDers don't DO change, generally. We need things to be reliable and we need them to function. I unquestionably fit this profile.

Another rank I am aware of joining is "People who have had ENOUGH!!!!!" I am painfully aware that I am NOT handling everything as I "should". I become happily obsessed by dust bunnies and ignore my medication. I find talking to others difficult, burdensome, and to be avoided. I feel like I finally lost that last remaining marble.

Any suggestions on how to hold on in the face of Life Attacks? I could use some.

[Fortune]

I don't have any advice. When stuff piles on me I tend to shut down and isolate myself.

You definitely deserve a break from all this though. I hope it lets up soon. In a good way.

[anonymouslyadd]

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.

[CheekyMonkey]

There's no guidebook to handle what you have been through. I can't comprehend what is must be like.

I just hope that, with limited time, you are able to find happiness and contentment every day. What has happened to you makes me incredibly sad. I just want, for you, that whatever time you do have...that it is time you can enjoy and be glad to have.

I think about you a lot, even when you aren't posting. <3

[Conman]

Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional-somebody

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are-somebody

stand tall, keep your chin up, and when life is ready to attack say 'bring it!'-me

[spunkysmum]

I wish I did have some suggestions. I would feel presumptuous trying to give any as it is, though, knowing that you've already been through so much more than I could ever handle. I'd feel like a fraud.

I do wish I had some answers to explain why so much seems to get dumped on the same good people repeatedly.

I saw that story on the flooded zoo and the estimated damage on the news. My boyfriend quite often watches the news out of Rochester rather than the Iowa channel because he says the weather reports actually apply better because he lives close to the Iowa-Minnesota border. The pictures they were showing on the news were something else. Poor critters.

[Unmanagable]

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))

I'm so glad to see you here, but so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

My method of dealing is similar to what Fortune said, so I'm afraid I'm not much help in that area, either.

Hopefully, some relief is on it's way and you'll have a chance to catch your breath and recharge. Sending you lots of love, Tig.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Conman

Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional-somebody

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are-somebody

stand tall, keep your chin up, and when life is ready to attack say 'bring it!'-me

I don't know if those quotes work for someone who is dying. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to anything, and even when you are the strongest, most wonderful person, bad things happen to you. Sometimes you need to look at life, and what good you have brought. Look back and remember each moment that brought you joy. It may not make the reality of things easier to swallow, but it may...it just may remind you that your life is worth remembering and that it is good.

[Conman]

fair enough. but sometimes it's the little one-liners like the above that can help you through. make peace with things. i dont have much experience in that field of helping.

[ADHDTigger]

The last count I heard of dead animals at the zoo has held steady at fourteen. They were barn animals for the most part. The zoo staff is devastated. So PETA has filed charges civilly stating that the zoo staff should have "known better" and are therefore responsible for these deaths.

PETA should go "f" themselves. They weren't there.

When we get thunder here, my calico cat likes to hide under whatever I'm sitting on. Smart cat. I'm beginning to want to join her.

I think what I am recognizing is that I am tired. Simple on it's face while complex in it's reality. I am simply exhausted and have been for some time.

*sigh*

[spunkysmum]

Sometimes it's when we stop moving for a minute that we really realize how tired we are. When we're just keeping going, we're keeping going and not having time to realize that simple exhaustion is nipping at our heels.

[stef]

ADHD or not, this is simply overwhelming and too much, for anyone.
you are in my thoughts.

I love Duluth, we went there (actually past duluth, up to Lutsen) every summer.

[Fuzzy12]

I'm so sorry tigger. Any one of those things sound difficult enough to handle but to have to deal with all of them sounds impossible. You are dealing. Yes are struggling but you are dealing as well as you can and that seems like quite a lot. I don't have any advice. Just go easy on yourself. If you don't feel like talking to anyone then don't. It's more than understandable when you've got so much on your plate. Come and vent here if it helps. The least we can do is listen. I hope you get a break soon. You more than deserve one. Huge hugs.

[tazoz]

You've been through so much and it's always hard to try and help when you are standing on the side looking at another that you admired, who is in pain. I'll try and share with you a bit of what I've learned over the last few years with hope that my words will have some meaning to you despite everything.

At the heart of trauma is the loss of identity, over the years, those around us that we love, our vocations and even the objects that surround us become a part of us, a part of our identities. When we lose someone we love, we lose a part of our identities, our self narrative is shattered and fragmented, there are two ways to deal with it that I know of, the first being an examination of ourselves and the creation of a new narrative through a process of introspection. We delve deep into our memories and try to piece them together, adding meaning to the memories through analysis of different points of view. This usually leads to depression or similar emotions as our memories are usually tinted through rose colored glasses and by adding sense to the memories we are also braking the illusions we have build up to protect ourself and our identities. At the end of this process, if you are successful, you come out of it with hopefully a stable identity and most likely a bit wiser as you see the world through additional perspectives.

The second way to deal with it is to take an outside object or idea or person and make it a part of your identity, filling in the gaps left by the loss, this is the safer path to take but it's also problematic in many ways as it often leads to a feeling of living another persons life. When a person turns to religion, finds a new love a short while after a loss or becomes an overly devoted mother or even immerses themselves in a new hobby, they are pretty much absorbing another narrative to fix their own one.

From what I know, you went through a process of introspection in the past to deal with the losses you suffered. I suspect that by now it's pretty much impossible for you to add sense or meaning to your past (considering how much you've lost over the years), and if you go down this path you will most likely search forever for answers and never really find them and sink deeper and deeper into depression as a result.

As such, The best course of action for you right now seems to be to find an outside source of interest to help you form a new narrative and identity. To do this you need to stop trying to understand the past, instead search in the present for something that still gives you pleasure and make it a part of your life, if you can't find anything, decide on something new that you've always wanted to do, or a person you've always wanted to form a strong connection with and make them a part of your life. Another way to go about it is to start writingfiction, this is a perfect way to create a new self narrative, it takes the memories of the past and rebuilds it into something new that combines your own narrative with stories you've read and heard.

I hope I managed to help in some small way as you did for so many over the years with your kindness and wisdom. (((Hug)))

[Lunacie]

You know that saying, "This too shall pass"? Seems like every bad thing
that happens in your life passes, but something just as bad takes it place.

Since I don't have any advice other than when the **** keeps piling up,
don't stop shoveling ... I'll just share a really big hug.