Thinking about other people

[electrogen]

How do you all learn to think about other people.
I have a hard time thinking about someone other than myself, anything i do always resolves around me. I will only go out if it benefits me or ill only come off the pc to do something that i want to do.
Its really starting to annoy me now as im starting to notice things more and it,s like im stuck in a continous loop everyday. I know the things i need to sort out but i still do the things day in and day out.
I really need to try and prioritise things and think of other peoples needs as we are going to have a second baby in november.

[Vhan]

Can I just take a second to laugh (hopefully with you) at all the "I statements" later in the post.

You know, I'm not an authority on this sort of thing, so the best I can do is tell you a bit about myself so that way you can get some insight from your own thoughts.

For me, thinking about other people is a game really: Scores, compliments, gives, takes, needed words, walks, bunts, long conversations, home runs, pity pitches just so they can get to first base. Hopefully the baseball terms went confusing. Thinking about other people has always been a very natural thing for me and I didn't have to learn it.

For me, I always see that connection between me and the other person. That means that no matter how transparent or thin that connection is I always see something in it for me too.

Driving kilometers out of my way to meet a friend just because he is a little blue and wants to talk, not so great. But doing it makes me feel like I won that game, like choosing the best answer while playing Mass Effect, and that gives me the reward that I'm looking for.

Really, thinking about people for me is like a hypothetical batting cage. Letting me duke it out and connect with the imaginary versions of people on a level that I normally can't because social conduct keeps me from going there. The always and ever so cautious games we play wouldn't exactly let me punch a friend just to see how he reacts, but my brain can play with the thought.

My point is that it isn't just about me thinking happy and wonderful thoughts about people, but also allowing myself to explore what I know about them and myself is important. Even if they are bad.

As for the loop thing, I don't know whats going on but sometimes you have to "Bury the shovel". For example, if you loop revolves around the internet, then cut it for a few days and be amazed at what happens. With enough resolve you will find a solution in all this!

[fracturedstory]

I'm autistic so I've been told all my life to think about other people. It took ages to finally get this thing called empathy.

Basically, try to see yourself as other people. If they repeated those same actions you did to you how would that make you feel?

When you don't get off your PC unless interested in something well one it's rude. People assume everyone is going to know social rules such as courtesy. One thing that I never did or remembered to do was when people left the people staying behind would wave them off from outside, might even hang by the car for another 20 minutes engaging in chit chat. I wave people off now.

As much as it's hard to I try to have conversations not centering around my interests, though my passion for them makes me bring them up at any point.

I see the whole 'game' thing as manipulative. Maybe not manipulative but not exactly caring. No offence. I don't even think what I get out of it, apart from facts and practising some social skills. Being nice is just in my nature and I don't want people to think I don't care. Many times I get fed up with socialising is when it exhausts me and takes the energy and attention and memory away from my interests. I think in my frustration when people misunderstand me is when I do get defensive and tell them 'all people agonise me.'

But if you want people to care about you, care about them. I was actually at the very far end of empathy but now I learned it through actually being taught by people with higher social awareness than me, and now I can pick up when NT's think only of themselves. Like for example I told my mum I prayed for her to leave her boyfriend because he was treating her wrong and she thought I blamed him for having me move to Sydney. I can't even think that way anymore. I empathise with people so much that I hardly think about myself. Except when I really want to write a chapter.

[Vhan]

Originally Posted by fracturedstory

I see the whole 'game' thing as manipulative. Maybe not manipulative but not exactly caring. No offence.

None taken!
Manipulative: 1 characterized by unscrupulous control of a situation or person. Oh, of course, but the equal word for that without the negative connotation is: Influence-the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself.

Establishing good social connections with people requires you to set up boundaries, expectations and trust. An imbalance leads to: being taken advantage of, being let down/letting down others by accident, and shallow relationships that can't be built on for something greater, respectively.

I just get a little kick out of paying careful attention to that in real life. Its a lot like real life FaceBook, and sometimes helps me actually develop a genuine sense of caring that keeps me going. =]

[sarahsweets]

I spend way to much time worrying bout what other people think to my own detriment.

[MrJohn]

I don't think it has anything to do with ADD/ADHD.

[tortilaman]

I don't think that this is necessarily an ADD thing, but I do think that there is a high incidence of this (or whatever you call the underlying condition) as a comorbid with add. I have trouble thinking about other people, and my therapist thought I had social anxiety, I thought there was something more profound there.

I can't say that I have a solution for you, but I know that because I tend to forget about other people, and just generally put myself first, a lot of the time I go out of my way to please other people just so that when I do lose contact with somebody for a while, it isn't too detrimental to my relationship with them.

[Slo-mo a-go-go]

Me? Self-focused? YES!
I feel like I'm always trying to "catch up" to others and that requires a lot of self-talk and reframing my thoughts to stay on track and not fall further behind.

But that doesn't explains away all my self-focusedness~!

Yet it's not like I'm spending my self-focused time on looking at myself in the mirror!

[splinter]

I wonder if life has been hard to a person may be because they have ADD, they have had to look after themselves at the cost of looking after others. If people don't understand me and don't accept the way I am then I find I walk away from the situation and stay by myself. This in itself could be seen as being self centred.