ADHD and intense bitterness

[MentalNomad]

I know I've created many threads lately, but all of you will only have to put up with me for a little while, I'm bound to take off sooner or later in extreme boredom as I do with other forums.

Well, I've noticed that bitter tendencies have been developing in me, I can't help but seethe with anger over the inferences I make over the meager social interactions I have, even if those interactions are on mostly forums (more than this one). I just feel incorrigibly screwed up, and the only coping mechanism I've found so far that is somewhat effective, is avoidance. I know the deep isolation isn't a positive aspect of my life, but I can't help but stay true to old patterns. I'm angry, constantly depressed and anxious, among other things. I guess I've noticed my typical reaction to others is cynicism. Has anyone here noticed similar tendencies growing in themselves?

It's like I'm starting to automatically hate anyone I come into contact with.

[ana futura]

While I'm easily angered, I don't usually stay angry long enough to become bitter or resentful. My anger is mostly flying off the handle about stupid things, like traffic. I am quick to judge people for doing or saying stupid things, but this hasn't lead me to avoid people altogether.

I like most people that I take the time to get to know. It's common for me to think someone is stupid upon first meeting them, but change my mind about them later. I used to have very high expectations of people I liked. I kept being disappointed by my friends, but then I realized my expectations were too high.

To borrow from Ginnie's super hero thread, I think I'm a lot like the incredible hulk. Bruce Banner is a really nice guy most of the time, but certain things trigger him and make him irrationally angry, and he turns into the hulk, even though he really doesn't want to. I'm aware that most of the time my anger is irrational, but I'm still unable to control it, except on meds.

Since I know that my anger comes from an irrational place that I can't control, I'm easily able to let go of the feeling once it's passed. This mystifies people, because my reactions are very strong, but once they subside I act like nothing happened

[meadd823]

Hmmmm I find it humorously ironic to expect a response when your closing line is

It's like I'm starting to automatically hate anyone I come into contact with.

I guess it might stop me if only I cared . . . People hating me ehhhhh part of the territory some times.


Have I noticed tendencies to become cynical, depressed and full of negative emotions? For me it is usually related to anxiety. I find a combo of xanax, meditation and good company to be a great benefit, but not necessarily in that order.

If you want miserable company I must apologized I simply do not know how to express misery without becoming a complete biatch and violating every guideline we have. When I am in baitch mode I generally stay out of this place because I have nothing of worth to offer folks seeking support.

[MentalNomad]

Originally Posted by meadd823

Hmmmm I find it humorously ironic to expect a response when your closing line is

I never said my hatred was rational or worthy of even the slightest concern, or that I expected anyone to reply. I was hoping for similar experiences related to ADHD and connected bitterness, not necessarily benevolent attitudes. As far as caring, why would anyone care if I hated them or not? Simply a rhetorical question. I'm just some random joe on this forum, and outside of it.

I'm actually a highly irrational person who has a mental issue far worse than ADHD. And, I see everyone as secretly despising me.

[ana futura]

Originally Posted by MentalNomad

I'm actually a highly irrational person who has a mental issue far worse than ADHD.

If by "mental issues" you mean "mood issues", ADHD is not a mood disorder, it is neurological. It is more like narcolepsy, epilepsy, and autism than anything else. ADHD causes difficulty with emotional regulation, but it does not cause emotional imbalances.

If you think you are irrational and/ or bitter most of the time, there is indeed something going on in addition to ADHD. It might be cause by living with undiagnosed ADHD, and that's where teasing it apart from ADHD gets tricky. From what you describe, it sounds like treating your ADHD alone will not be enough.

Are you taking ADHD meds? Do you find they help these issues or make them worse?

[MentalNomad]

ADHD is not a mood disorder

Yes, I'm aware.

Are you taking ADHD meds? Do you find they help these issues or make them worse?

No, but I found they never decreased my anxiety, if anything they increased it. I would also like to add that I'm extremely isolated.

Thanks for the reply, given the subject matter (I'm still puzzled why anyone would be remotely offended).

[ana futura]

ADHD meds lessen my anxiety and frustration and make me more social during the peak period of effectiveness, but as they wear off some things get worse. This uneveness is the main reason I don't like taking them. If I were to take a high enough dose to manage my anxiety all the time, I would be a brain dead zombie.

I don't know what the solution is, but I have noticed that since my diagnosis I'm developing more issues with my mood. I think it's related to medication usage and increased self awareness.

[425runner]

I have to agree with Ana. I'm very easy to get along while on the meds but when they wear off I get easily irritated, angry, and short tempered. I went on vacation for a week and enjoyed the break from meds, however got slapped in the face by reality the minute we got home. So many things to do I felt overwhelmed so back on the meds. I don't like to be dependent on anything but I've tried every possible natural solution, including various nootropics but the stimulants seem to work the best.

[MentalNomad]

Originally Posted by 425runner

I have to agree with Ana. I'm very easy to get along while on the meds but when they wear off I get easily irritated, angry, and short tempered. I went on vacation for a week and enjoyed the break from meds, however got slapped in the face by reality the minute we got home. So many things to do I felt overwhelmed so back on the meds. I don't like to be dependent on anything but I've tried every possible natural solution, including various nootropics but the stimulants seem to work the best.

I get easily irritated and short-tempered as well, but for some reason stimulants don't really alleviate my symptoms. In fact, Concerta increases my libido and that just aggravates me because I can't...do anything about it in certain situations. I'd rather not have that drive at all.

[ADDinHDefgHi?!]

I feel the way you do at times, I try to overcome it because it rarely if ever does me any good. Lately I've noticed that the times I felt like that were directly related to my meds being off a bit. If I don't take enough ritalin I'll get irritable and anxious. Also if I skip my anxiety meds in the morning I'll notice a certain depression and irritability set in.

It sucks because I need these meds, and even if I decided to stop using meds I'd need to taper off of them before I could stop taking them. It's a fine line between too much and too little. One positive I've noticed is that at least I've figured out how important the meds are at this point.

I can fall into the trap of being too bitter or too down pretty easily, when I'm feeling especially vulnerable I'll avoid anyone who is negative in any way. I prefer being around positive people but it can be a challenge for me if I'm depressed, it's like walking a damn tightrope some days. But screw it I have no desire to pursue misery anymore.

If you want to be less depressed I wish you the best of luck, life is hard enough on it's own, hope you find a way to feel better. Sometimes just feeling bad for awhile is what it takes to get to the point where you want something better. That was definitely the case with me.

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by MentalNomad

I'm actually a highly irrational person who has a mental issue far worse than ADHD. And, I see everyone as secretly despising me.

I don`t experience the bitterness and the hating like you do but I have experienced the feeling of `everyone secretly despising me` and it`s such a horrible feeling. I`m so sorry you have to experience that. I know there are times when I feel like there`s this kick me sign written all over me and I guess the only way I deal with that even somewhat successfully when it happens is to tell myself `the sun is the centre of the universe not me and people are so self absorbed most of the time I`m just not on their mind much`, if at all.`

I really do not know what will work for you, but know that this running commentary in your head is not true. It`s not what others are thinking or even close.

I think it can be really easy to develop a reflexive hostility towards people, every stranger or aquaintance becomes a threat when you have a lot of bad experiences socially. I used to experience this in the past as well and it helped me to sort of walk myself thru dealing with others. For example, I`d look at the person, and in my head would be saying, this person has thier own insecurities, family skeletons, has been hurt and betrayed and disillusioned too. I can`t see it but it`s there. It`s part of being human.

Most people bore me upon first meeting, but over time I get to know them as a person and while they might still bore me at times they`re mostly good people, and often as afraid of you as you are of them.

BUT, humans are predators, it`s our nature, and we do prey on each other so being careful is important.

[MentalNomad]

Originally Posted by ginniebean

I don`t experience the bitterness and the hating like you do but I have experienced the feeling of `everyone secretly despising me` and it`s such a horrible feeling. I`m so sorry you have to experience that. I know there are times when I feel like there`s this kick me sign written all over me and I guess the only way I deal with that even somewhat successfully when it happens is to tell myself `the sun is the centre of the universe not me and people are so self absorbed most of the time I`m just not on their mind much`, if at all.`

Thanks for the reply, ginniebean, having others speak up about similar issues does help. I don't know, I think the thought that everyone despises me is at least partially residual from my former job, which I quit due to claims by the management that "fifty people" had made complaints about me, even the ones from my own department, who I thought I was on good terms with. Even though I socialized with them outside of work, I still have my doubts. My last contact from that job I severed ties with many months ago.

Anyway, I started to think about those complaints "excessive negativity," and "doesn't socialize with others [outside of department]". I guess the bottom line is that I don't hide my negative self well which causes negative reactions from others, whether furtive or overt, and this will eventually reinforce that negativity.

Some of this I know I've brought on myself, because I have the nasty habit of betraying my own insecurities. For instance, while intelligence is a general theme throughout my posts, I think it is relevant for the following. I read a study which suggested that some who are afflicted with anxiety have lower intelligence levels because they haven't accomplished anything near that of the average person. Regardless of the truth of that study (concerning others here, I'm not interested in debating it!) I can almost see a link between my extreme anxiety and my lack of virtually any achievements. And, I think many people have a natural penchant for taking advantage of glaring general insecurity.

I've read up on paradoxical theory of change, and strangely it makes sense. All this talk about "you just need more confidence" while the mind deep down knows there is nothing to be confident about!

In other words, before we change, we must first be where and what we are. Gestalt theory holds that change cannot be forced. It happens naturally, when it is ripe to happen. However, change must begin from the life as it is, not from the illusions we create to make life appear as we would like it to be. We must be fully engaged in the reality of our present to be able to step into our future.

In some ways, I feel better not forcing a change in my level of confidence, or in my expectations. My mood increases when I realize I'm a boring dolt with no friends, and no positive achievements laying behind him.

change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions.

I take that as acceptance breeds positive change, potentially. I take that as the paradox, change happens when an individual immerses himself or herself in the "self" and not worrying about change. However, this is hard for me to be consistent with. I'm always dreaming too big for my current positions. I think it'd be best if I didn't think about changing, and just let it occur naturally, but again that is my problem. I can never acquiesce to the natural flow of things.

I'm no sure any of this made sense, just took something to help me focus, and not sure of the effects yet.

[ginniebean]

Your management is a vindictive so and so, that's far from professional, reeks of personal bias and her claims are wildly inflated. I should go punch her hard.

Nomad, you've been abused and you are experiencing trauma from it, please honour your need to heal and resist beating yourself up over it. I know what a huge task that is but one of the things that helps me is finding the ground beneath me by asking what is true about a situation, and not judging but rather taking a clinical look at what's happened and happening as a result. I find this keeps me from excessive response. For me, the adage, the truth will set you free, has very real meaning.

I hope that helped.

[MentalNomad]

Actually, the management was a "he" in this case, but that detail really doesn't matter. But yeah, I'm trying to avoid my former place of employment because I see no good coming from it, not now, anyway.

I don't know, now that most of my social life is forum-related, I often find myself ruminating on interactions based off of them. I think certain individuals target me, even if it's subconsciously. I try to keep my perspective objective, but it is incredibly difficult.

Your post did help, though I find any advice is hard for me to internalize.

EDIT:

Not to mention that I'm incredibly hypersensitive and the biggest idiot in the world would be able to notice and exploit this. It is something I'm working on downplaying in social situations, because I see frequent displays of insecurity as a big "exploit me!" sign above my head.

[meadd823]

Originally Posted by MentalNomad

I never said my hatred was rational or worthy of even the slightest concern, or that I expected anyone to reply. I was hoping for similar experiences related to ADHD and connected bitterness, not necessarily benevolent attitudes. As far as caring, why would anyone care if I hated them or not? Simply a rhetorical question. I'm just some random joe on this forum, and outside of it.

I'm actually a highly irrational person who has a mental issue far worse than ADHD. And, I see everyone as secretly despising me.

Ehh I never expect any one to be rational well I don;t expect irrational either - I really don;t expect any thing one way or another -because expectations take some thing I don't have - an attention span.

I just found it humerus - I'm a huge fan or irony and I come complete with a morbid sense of humor.

Despising some one takes energy and giving a shait two other things I don;t have any more - If I do mange to muster up enough energy to despise some one I am never secret about it

Chicken fecal bosses often blame or exaggerate because they are to insecure to take the personal responsibility for their own decision - Fifty people complained behind your back wtf happen to doing some thing after ten people complained to offer you a chance to fix the problem?

Your ex-boss sounds like a meat head. Sounds like he is full of fertilizer I can't believe that many people would be pi**ed of at you without at least one big mouth saying some thing to your face.