Parenting: Shame, guilt, anger, self loathing

[Youngadhder]

Hi.

I have a 2 year old son. He's beautiful.

I had severe PPD when I gave birth. I wanted to die at some point. But the worst thing of all was I couldn't bond with my little boy.

I hate myself for not wanting anything to do with him back then.

Why was I wired this way?

My son runs to daddy for everything. My mother came over and dropped him off after baby sitting and I held my arms out. He turned away. Daddy came upstairs and he clapped and ran over to him. I forget what my mother said but I blurted out "Pfft, I could be hit by a car and die and he wouldn't even notice."


I hated the fact I said that.

But..it's how I feel. I know it's not my fault. But...it is. I feel like a monster. I try to play with him but I'm exhausted from working or I'll get bored and distracted. I get so discouraged when he turns away from me. I love him, I really do. I'm so ashamed of my own body. I struggle so much and something that should've been so miraculous was messed up because of my "wiring."

Is there any hope to repair my relationship with my son? How do I even start?

I'm sorry I sound so doomy and gloomy. Both times I've posted on the forum, I'm feeling super overwhelmed.

[ginniebean]

Yes, there is hope, you need to make your child a priority, and it will absolutely pay off. I f you can't get his attention when daddy is around then take him out to a park. Children are smart, they know, you love what you do, and if you love watching tv more than spending time with him, he knows he's not a priority. Just using tv as an example.

Just because you did not bond with your child atbirth doesn't mean that you never can. It does mean that you need to spend time with him, boys like physical games, so find time to play tickle, or catch, praise your child, catch him doing good things and make a big deal out of it and watch how he responds. You absolutely can turn this around, you are not the only mom this has happened to and the rewards are amazing.

Do one thing consistently, if it's reading a story and even if it's the last thing you feel like doing, you make a commitment. It's something to hat just gets done, if bed time story is too much then on one specific day the story but. Tuck in with kisses and hugs and little sweet chit chats. It doesn't have to be bedtime but it can be a nice transition time.


For me, I sang each night, when my son was ten he asked me, "mom, are you going to sing to me every night forever?" and I told him no, eventually he'll decide he just wants to go to bed on his own which he accepted, a few months later he told me, that's it, I don't want any more singing.




Find that time and praise praise praise! And if you need any advice, just send me a message and I'll do the best I can. You need this for you too!

[Unmanagable]

(((((Hugs)))))

[meadd823]

I think what Gennie suggested - spending a specific period of time with him every day even it if is just for five minutes will help. Reading a short bed time story is a good idea.

It also does not have to be an either or choice - Do things with your husband and your son together, some ting where you take turns with your husband Maybe like the three of you throwing a ball to each other. It never has to be for a long period of time two year olds don;t have much of an attention span either.

Even when all things are equal between the mother and father it seems like many male children naturally prefer their fathers. Not all but I would say a decent percentage are more inclined toward the father if the father is present and active in the child's life.

I think it is in the child's wiring sense he will be learning about male-hood from your husband. . .


Some times despite common social perceptions men are more parental then women are - That does not make you a bad mom it just may mean you take on the role many associate with fatherhood. My ex-husband was better at playing with our daughters when they were young - I just wasn't all that good at it.

I read to them and taught them the names of their body parts how to count and the logical logistic type of stuff - I'm just not the playful typeMy husband play kid games with them, I taught them to ride a bike - okay I tried but my step son actually was the one to finally let go of the seat.

I wasn't the cuddly type either. - Two of my three daughter were like me and touch me nots the other daughter loved to cuddle and she was her daddy's girl - still is to an extent.

Care in the way you care, include your son in who you are as you are, spend time with him each day and accepts who he is as he is. See it as a chance to get to know your son not a chore you dread doing.

Above all don;t make it a contest that will only make it confusing and frustrating to every one involved.

Be glad you have an involved husband so many women would give a body part to have a decent caring man who gave a crap because many father don;t even acknowledge they have an off spring never mind spend any quality time getting to know them.

[Flia]

I had all the things you describe, and my child (now 30) has suffered more from my frustration and guilt than from not hearing bed time stories

My advice is to stop trying to be something you're not.

If you're not working make sure to go out every day to places where there are other children his age. That way he'll learn things that you can't teach him. Make your own routines and tell him that you love him even though you're not like other mum's.

That way you'll be able to bond with him your own way.
Be happy that you have a husband that does the things you can't.

Your son senses your frustration and that is far worse than having a happy odd mum.

[Youngadhder]

Thanks.

I try not to obsess over the frustration I feel, but it nags at me. I like...get hung up on it. I keep thinking about it to the point my head hurts. Then I'm miserable. How do I just "relax"?

I never considered my son sensing my frustration. This worries me too.

All this worrying makes it worse.

[sarahsweets]

My father died when my second daughter was 2 weeks old. I feel like i missed all of the bonding thats supposed to happen. I didnt breast feed because I couldnt pull myself out of bed long enough to do it. I didint hold her enough, O loved her with my all though. She adores her dad and everyday I try and make something out of everyday things to make her feel special. We are getting closer although she is 12 now. It takes time. You are NOT defective,horrible,awful,unloving,unfeeling,cold or satanic, you are just a woman who suffered severe PPD and deserves some love herself.

[Youngadhder]

I really reflected in what has been said here. Tonight I tried to focus on my son. I had to keep pulling myself back in the moment - my mind kept drifting to other issue. We rolled a ball back and forth. I spent a good hour with him. Just letting him lead. A big difference. It was hard to stay in the present moment, but I managed to make him laugh. Thank god for your support.

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by Youngadhder

I really reflected in what has been said here. Tonight I tried to focus on my son. I had to keep pulling myself back in the moment - my mind kept drifting to other issue. We rolled a ball back and forth. I spent a good hour with him. Just letting him lead. A big difference. It was hard to stay in the present moment, but I managed to make him laugh. Thank god for your support.

You accomplished an entire hour!!!! wow, way to go. However, aim lower! Don't over do at this point because you"ll hate it. 15 minutes of good interaction is a LOT!

Don't forget the praise!!! He wants to please you and he wants your love, his wanting it makes it so much easier for you!

Good job mom!!!!

[RedHairedWitch]

Something I overheard once is that many parents make the mistake of not smiling at their kids, not showing love on their face.

You get so caught up in stress and worry and mostly interact with the kids when they are needing discipline or something else that frustrates you.

So you're always frowning or something when you're looking at your kids.

This really hit me hard because it made me think of my Mom. ADHD, single mother, overwhelmed and stressed to the max. She never smiled at us. We never saw the love in her eyes. Not because she didn't love us, but because her head was always somewhere dark or frustrating or stressed out.

It takes only a moment to make eye contact and smile at a child to show love in your eyes and body language.

Maybe try doing it a few times a day?

[crystal8080]

Just wanted to say that my daughter was also born 7 days after my mom died. I had PPD. My daughter has always been closer to her dad. In fact, I am having a lot of problems with her. She's 5 now. All I can think is OMG its like this and she's FIVE what is she going to be like as a teenager.

She says that she doesn't like me. She wants her dad. She can be pretty cruel sometimes. And I have a son who is much closer to me, so it just complicates things. I try hard to be closer with her. I very often feel the way you do, that she would not care if I was not here. She really thinks if she can get rid of me, she can see more of her dad.

But through it all, she loves me, and he loves you too. They are just kids. They don't see things like grown-ups. So even as much as it hurts when he wants daddy, just try and remember it won't always be like this. You just do the best you can.

[Luvmybully]

Just wanted to give you a hug.

Or two.

[Youngadhder]

Tonight it was a brief 20 minutes and I gave him a warm bath. He is acting more relaxed already. I especially took the "not smiling enough" post to heart. The biggest challenge I'm facing is staying focused on him. My mind wants to jump to everything out. It's like keeping water from leaking out of a pipe with your bare hand. I will keep reflecting on the advice here. Thank you.

[ginniebean]

It will get better and easier with time.