is something wrong with me?

[oscurochu]

In reply to this thread: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15338

I feel like I've been guilty of many of the things listed here. I feel like I've also been the victim a few times... I'm more concerned about being the abuser though. =(

I blame it on being impulsive, and not being diagnosed with and treated for adhd.

Either I'm a victim in denial, or an abuser in denial... I've been in relationships where I felt like I was being controlled, I've also heard rumors about past relationships that I was controlling. I don't know what to believe.

I've been in three abusive relationships, and all three of these people have been diagnosed with depression, adhd, bipolar, and/or other mental illnesses.

The first relationship, she was unmedicated. She turned 18 and was no longer able to live at the group home (foster home?) she was living at. I had some friends that let her move in. It was a one bedroom house that 4 people lived in, plus her and i, that made 6. they also had 1 large dog and about 5 small dogs. there was also always dog feces and urine on the ground at almost any given moment, which the owners would always expect everyone else to clean up. The house was also infested with roaches, and nobody kept the kitchen clean. Eventually she and I moved into my parents house (I only lived with her because she told me she didn't want to stay there without me, and they were my friends).

We were really good friends up to this point. I knew her for 4 years at this time. It was also the time that we attempted a serious relationship. She was also a cutter, and liked to hurt herself. She would make it a point to go to the bathroom to cut herself. I would sometimes have to use physical force to prevent her from doing so, throwing her onto my bed and restraining her. I was also on probation, and had community service work that needed to get done. I would try to go to bed, and she would want to stay awake all night on the computer that was in my room. I was unable to sleep, so I started to demand that she either goes to sleep with me, or leaves the room so I can wake up in the morning to do my community service. She would still keep me awake and talk to me until the sun came up, no matter how much i told her to be quiet, or to leave me alone. if i ignored her she got mad at me. This went on for two months, everyday, hoping that i can actually get to sleep in time to wake up in the morning. She also liked to smack me, "playfully," if i said something she disapproved of (it wasn't bad at first, until it happened a lot, then it slowly got worse and more frequent).

About three weeks before my community service was due, we've been into quite a few loud and abusive arguments (not physically abusive) that no doubt woke up my parents because of her cutting and keeping me awake at night. I'm normally a night person, and would stay awake all night with her and not mind, but I had legal issues to take care of and it seemed like she didn't actually care, despite the things she told me and wanted me to believe. Luckily, I hurt my back, and my probation officer waived my community service with a doctor's note. The fights didn't stop though. Eventually, she convinced me that my parents were trying to tear us apart and to move out of state with one of my friends.

At my parents house, she would never leave my bedroom unless she was using the bathroom, eating dinner, or leaving the house. She would want me to bring her food when she was hungry, drinks when she was thirsty, and to clean up her dishes. She wouldn't shower unless I showered, wouldn't brush her teeth unless I brushed my teeth, and wouldn't even brush her own hair (she always wanted me to do it). One time, after her hair got extremely knotted, she wanted me to comb out a knot for her. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the knot out for her and told her to brush her ******* hair more often. She cried and made me feel like **** for cutting it out of her hair, although the knot was damn near impossible to comb out. She cut her own hair and blamed me because she cut it too short and that she wouldnt have needed to cut her hair if I didn't cut the knot out.


When we first got together, the first time we had sex we didn't use a condom. The next day, I went and got a bunch of condoms from the health department. She complained that she didn't like to use condoms so I brought her down to the health department to get birth control cause she agreed to it. At first, she was taking the birth control every day. Then she would forget to take it and tell me she will just take two the next day. Sometimes I would remember for her, but it would be a few hours after she normally would take it. She told me it's too late to take it and it'll mess everything up if she took it late. I believed her, and just told her to take more the next day then. I have no reason to doubt that she was trying to get pregnant; she always talked about wanting a baby and literally cry about it because she wanted one really bad. We would get into fights because she would insist on having sex even though she skipped a few days and try to convince me that the birth control is still in her system so it's okay.

One time, when I was about to go to sleep and I was really exhausted, she wanted to have sex. I told her no. She insisted on having sex and kept persisting. I gave up and told her do what she wants, I'm going to sleep. I just laid there, as she tried having sex with me while I was sleeping. She got upset with me when she asked if it was good and my only response was, "can you get off me now?" other words were exchanged, and she cried herself to sleep that night. We had sex every single night, sometimes multiple times, almost risking me going to jail and not getting my community service done. I told her how it was, "You are going to sit there and act upset when I have community service to get done, you tell me you give a ****, you keep me awake all night, knowing i have to wake up in the ******* morning, im tired as ****, and you insist on having sex, you dont even take your birth control, you ***** about condoms. I dont really give a ****. get the **** off me, cry yourself to sleep, just leave me the **** alone." I wanted to feel bad for being such a dick... but there was no sympathy left for her.

When we moved to alabama, everything was fine. She would wash her own dishes, she would clean up around the house, etc. I'm sure that she was only trying to make an impression with my friends. Her bottle of perfume broke during the move and spilled all over everything, including our tooth brushes. I threw them away and bought new ones. One week after buying the tooth brushes, I asked her while everyone was home if she's been using my tooth brush because her tooth brush was still in the package. She told me no and asked why. I went in the bathroom, grabbed her unnopened toothbrush and said, right in front of everyone, "we've been living here a week, and you still haven't used your new toothbrush. also, your breath has been wreaking and i haven't said anything because i wanted to see how long you would go. i cant go much longer before i stop kissing you." She also only showered if I announced to her that I was getting in the shower, which wasn't often. Everyone was able to smell her feminine odor since she liked to wear skirts without underwear.

I was eventually her slave again, just like when I lived at my parents house. It was worse now though. My parents didn't like her, so she would make me do things for her so she could avoid my parents. I felt her sympathy, and gave in. When she didn't have an excuse to be lazy, it became extremely frustrating for me, more than ever. I made us both spaghetti one night, and had enough left overs to feed 2-4 people. The next day, she heated it up in the microwave and started eating it out of the tupperware container. I asked her to put it on a plate and save the rest. my roommate insisted she couldn't eat it all by herself and to just let her eat from the container. Sure enough, she ate it all, even though I told her before she even prepared it for herself that I wanted her to save me some. She would eat probably 6-8 times per day. she would leave dishes lying around the house. every time i was in the kitchen, she would ask me to make her something too. It's like she would wait for me to start making food before she would decide she's hungry, purposefully, out of laziness. I would make ramen noodles for myself, and she would want the same, or even something specially for her.

One time, after preparing her noodles, she asked me to get them out of the microwave for her. I was tired of doing her favors, and her never doing anything for me in return, except tell me "please" and "thank you." i told her this was the last time im doing anything for her. the noodles were in the microwave for an hour and a half before I had to yell at her to get them out of the microwave so it would stop beeping.

I couldn't even look at her without getting frustrated. My roommate, which has also always been my best friend, pulled me into her room one day to talk. Anytime she would want to talk to me, samantha would want to be right there, in on the conversation, like she was jealous or worried about what would be said. we had to specifically ask her to stay out cause we wanted to talk in private. we were afraid she would be trying to listen in on the conversation so we locked the bedroom door and went to the bathroom to talk. this was the first time since moving in that i had a one on one conversation with my roommate, my best friend. she asked me what the hell is wrong with me, putting up with her ******** all the time, letting her use me and treat me like a slave. i tried defending her at first, because i didnt realise how deep i've gotten. i know she would never intentionally try to break me and any of my exes up, because i've been with a few people that she disapproved of but never said anything bad... but this was the one time she spoke up and she made sure it counted. i broke up with her a week later after we figured out how to get rid of her without kicking her to the street.

a year later, we get in contact again. our relationship was going as if nothing had ever happened. she was living with one of my good friends that i knew since middle school, and his gf. she lived there for about a month, not paying rent nor did she apply for food assistance or do anything to help contribute to the household. she spent most of her time watching netflix, playing video games, and instigating arguments with her roommates. for example, if she was listening to music on the computer, her roommates would ask her to turn down the music when they are trying to watch a movie on the tv and she would just straight up defy them and tell them "no." i didnt spend enough time at their house to see how she never really changed. she got into a physical fight with one of her roommates and got kicked out the same night. me and her started hanging out for about two months now when this happened.

she had nowhere to go. i had some friends that let her stay there for three days. they told her she could only stay the night, but she never put any effort into getting a hold of family members to let her stay with. they told her on the third day that she had to go, and kinda got me in the middle of it. i didnt want her to sleep outside by herself, i cared too much about her (what was i thinking??? lol). we met some homeless guy that lived at the park. he had a tent set up in the woods. i stayed with her for about a week before we found somewhere to go. our relationship from this point is at its peak, and its all downhill from here.

the people that let her move in were the same people that let her move in when she first got out of foster care. same house. same dogs. same roaches. same dog ****. we were their only roommates this time. after a week, we started arguing a lot, for the first time since we got in contact again. i blamed her for most of the arguments. some of the arguments started because she didnt want to do the dishes when it was her turn to do them. other arguments seemed to start spontaneously, for no reason. she would always mention how we never started arguing until we moved into the house and that we should move out.

at the time, i wanted to be a gypsy, hop a train, and live the life. this is what she kept pushing me into doing, but i didn't feel ready to leave because i didn't want to leave without at least having some money to start out with on the road. i was paying her rent, and moved out of my parents house just to make sure she was safe. i was fed up with her starting arguments with me all the time, and blaming the house for them. everytime an argument would start, i would recall every part of the argument to her and tell her how it was her that started the argument. i always tried to think as rational and calmly as possible. she would cry and make me feel bad and tell me, "i dont know how to be any different, im just trying to be me and you're always blaming me for our arguments when i know it cant always be my fault." a few times i stopped the arguments before they got serious because i caught onto her tricks before it was too late. but i wasn't always able to do this. after about 2-3 weeks, the fights persisted and she eventually punched me in the face so i hit her back, leaving her with a black eye. me and her never fought or argued when the roommates weren't home, or around my friends.

she had a warrant out because she missed her court date. the cops came to the house we were staying at the day after i told her to leave and not come back. they referred to me by name and asked to speak to me. there was no record of us living there, ever. they knew one of my friends were by name, and asked if i knew if she was with him after i told the cop i havent seen her for a couple of days. i refused to give the cop any information, and just kept telling him i dont know anything. my roommate came outside, the cop showed him a picture of her and asked if he knew where she was, and he gave the cop the full address, without hesitiation. they didnt like her, and the only reason they let her stay with them was because she was homeless, and they didnt like the idea of me being homeless with her in the woods because i was their good friend. later on that day, she gets released.

apparently, when she got arrested, she lied about her age. they have no proof that she actually lied, so all the cops know is that the age they had for her was inaccurate in the computer. she got sent to the juvenile center because they thought she was 15. when they realised there was a mistake, they let her go and there was no longer a warrant for her. after being released, she told all of my friends that i turned her in. not too many people seemed to like me after that. nobody believed me when i told them the truth. it was around the same time she was released that she started dating one of my closer friends in the group. he had much more to offer her than i did, and i honestly think it was a conspiracy against me and she set me up. it didnt take long before people started to not like her and only tolerated her because she was in a relationship with one of the guys in the group. its a year later, and they are experiencing relationship problems. im not sure how long thats been going on, but i can imagine, quite a while.

i feel like the victim. i feel like she manipulated and used me in so many ways. i feel like she turned me into a monster at times. when i would get mad and try to get my space, she would come after me, and just make me even more mad. i almost hit her once because i felt like she was closing me in and just wanted her to leave me alone so i can get my space. as soon as i realised how angry i was, and how violent my mood became, i stopped to think to myself "Wtf am i doing?? this isnt me..." but theres still a part of me that wonders what if i am the bad guy. she sure did a good job at telling all of my friends what an ******* i am. i've never been around someone that has made me experience so much frustration and anger in my life though. i cant imagine any of this being my fault. it eats at me everything i think about it.

im starting a new relationship with this amazing guy i met. he isnt quick to judge me. i told him that i thought i was addicted to meth, after only knowing him for a week. i've talked to most of my closest friends about my obsession with meth. i never used it a whole lot, spent a total of $20 on it. I could easily see it ruining my life if I don't keep it under control though. Nobody was willing to help me, or didn't know what to say to me. I had way too many reasons to continue using meth, and not enough reasons that stop me from doing it. He was the one and only person to break through to me, and make me realise that I'm about to ruin my life. Everything else about him so far amazes me. His best friend is one of my good friends from my freshman year, which to me means that he must be different from everybody else I've met. so far. I wasn't even looking for a relationship with anybody when I met him, but something is telling that he's worth it. a week before i accepted god, asking for anything he has to offer me, and just giving up on everything else, he falls into my life and completely changes it. even if we don't work out, its not going to change the impact he's had on my life. i never quit meth for him. i told him i would never quit meth for him. but the things he made me realise allowed me to quit for myself. i still crave meth, i still want it sometimes, but i'd rather live through the depression and adhd than my life end up like the picture he was able to paint in my head.

i want to make him just as happy as he's made me. i dont want to **** this up. i dont want to hurt him. i dont even care if he hurts me, because if it makes him happy in the end, im glad... if he was truly able to change my entire future, and help me find myself out of the little pot hole that i was slowly digging, deeper, and deeper... whats a little pain? i just want him in my life. i dont care if we end up not being each other's bf... its just what we both want right now. in the short amount of time that i've known him, he's been a better friend to me than many people have in my lifetime. i dont know enough about myself to know if im the problem, or if i've just had a few problematic relationships... i dont know what to do.. i just dont want to lose him... for perfect not existing, he does a pretty good job at making it seem real.

i haven't had too many long term relationships. most of them lasted 1-3 weeks. either i got tired of the person, or they didnt like me for some reason. one of my exes had bad hygeine, another one lived a little far away and when i'd try to see him he'd make excuses (i met him through a friend, and never actually hung out with him except once, just talked on the phone), another one was shallow and said i was too short (he was really tall and i was a freshman who hadnt grown yet), one of them i was friends with and tried to make a relationship but just didnt feel comfortable long term cause i wasnt attracted to him and we remained friends, and the rest all pretty much ended for stupid reasons too, nothing serious anyways, except one ex.

my longest relationship with a guy was about 8 months. we started dating in december. he cheated on me a month later (with some guy that i happened to have a one night stand with two months prior). he didnt have his ged, never looked for a job, never cleaned up the house, never really did anything except watch tv play video games and play on his computer.he lied to me a lot, about stupid stuff, like smoking a cigarette after we both agreed to quit together. the only thing serious he really lied about was cheating on me and telling me it was rape. he always told me i was arrogant and that i act like a badass all the time (not something i was consciously trying to do... ). he would get mad at me and call me a know it all if i talked about something he didnt know much about, or i would prove him wrong and just try to inform him so he doesnt believe something falsely... i never really meant anything bad from it, but he told me i made him feel stupid. he would call me names, and if i stated my opinion on something he would tell me, "i dont care." or i would be telling some kinda story, and it would be the same response of "i dont care."

hes pulled knives on me before. sometimes it would be to threaten himself for attention, or sometimes threaten me. i never felt threatened by him though, and just found him foolish, especially when i would just grab his hand and take the knife out of it every time without much of a fight. anytime we would get into arguments, they always seemed to be his fault, even if i started them. like i would get mad at him cause he doesnt look for a job, or clean up around the house. i would go to work nearly everyday and buy him almost whatever i could afford to buy him that he asked for. i tried to be the best bf i could to him and push him to do better and he just never seemed to care. hearing people talk about him now makes me believe that he hasn't changed... but he would tell me all the time that we had an abusive relationship. the most physical we've ever gotten during a fight was when he got on top of me while on his bed and i asked him multiple times to get off of me (im extremely claustrophobic, mainly when under stress) and told him that i would throw him off of me if he didnt get off (not even sure why he was trying to hold me down, i think i might have been trying to leave...). when i pushed him off of me, i ended up pushing him into the air and he landed on the floor and i made him cry. I felt really bad afterwards because i never liked to see him cry. i got mad at him sometimes but it was always things i could get over quickly... one other time he tried to grab me from behind and not let me go and i asked him repeatedly to let go because he would regret it otherwise. i was in a position where i couldnt comfortably move my arms, or go anywhere... so i use all the force that i could use, and pushed him backwards, and he told me that i hurt him when i did that, i just wanted him off me and he wouldnt listen...

i dont believe that im a bad person... i've always seen myself as non-violent and relatively calm. i never fought growing up. people would pick on me in middle school and i would just ignore it or cry about it later when i got home. in elementary school, i punched this kid in the face cause he kept hitting me in the face, trying to intimidate me... i dont even know why, i think he was just trying to impress his friends because i felt like i was always the kid getting picked on in the neighborhood. everyone kept telling me to hit him back so when i finally did, he hit me back and i fell to the ground and walked away with tears in my eyes while everybody called me a sissy and a cry baby... i try to keep myself away from stressful situations like that. i broke up a fight one time, i didnt even know who the people were who were fighting. i just seen some dude kicking some guy on the ground, and i grabbed him from behind and pulled him away. everybody crowded up, he looked behind me and said, "Wtf?" and i just let him go (i was caught up in the stress and forgot to let him go i guess lol) and was just like, "idk just go...." and i swear i heard people talking about me and i didnt do anything except break up a fight so i ended up leaving cause i wasnt really trying to get involved to begin with...

if you ask any of my friends, they don't think of me as a bad person either... they all love me... i sorta have an ego sometimes because ever since high school, i've always seemed to be well known and liked. not too many people liked me before high school. there arent too many people that dont like me and thats because they either don't know me, hate me for being gay, or hate me for punching this chick in the face (she punched me first and apparently i suck controlling my anger well enough to not defend myself when someone puts there hands on me). i walked away after punching her, and i had over 50 people chase me (ok so i kinda hauled ***, **** walking) into walmart (there was an event going on right next door to walmart and walmart was the only safe place i could think of going to).

everyone i grew up with has gotten into arguments with my mom. i swear she's bipolar.

i think im normal... i dont want to be like my mom, i dont want to believe that maybe i really wasnt the vicitm in my relationships... i dont know what to do and it really stresses me out sometimes... i want to make someone else happy... i want to be happy too.... i dont want violence and anger to be a part of my life... i dont know if i need help.... i dont think i do.... but how do i find out???

[avjgirsijdhtjhs]

The cutter girl - Borderline Personality Disorder seems like a reasonable possibility.

[PookDo]

A better question to ask is, is there something right with you?

[oscurochu]

she's been diagnosed with literally every mental illness that exists.

this is about me though, not her, or any of my exes... Why is it that I run into all the psycho people? Maybe I'm the one that's psycho... In my rant, I left out one other abusive relationship I've been in, being right in the middle of the other two.

This guy would blame me for everything that goes wrong while I'm around. I don't feel like telling the whole story, but my most memorable experience with him was when we went to the bar. He had no money, and I told him I was buying drinks. As soon as we walk in the bar, without consulting me, he orders two screw drivers. I wanted to order a lunch box, not two screw drivers, first of all. Then the lady at the bar said the atm was down and I couldn't withdraw money, and they don't accept debit or credit. I only had $4 cash on me, the rest of my money was on my debit card. When I told him I couldn't pay for the drinks that HE just ordered, he gets mad at me, and tells me I cant just walk into a bar, order drinks, and not have the money to pay for them. He yelled at me the entire time, causing a scene in the bar. He made me look like a complete idiot, like it was my fault. He told the bar tender we would go get the money from the atm. He lose his car keys a few days prior, so we had no way to go to an atm. The bar was walking distance from his place. Then he yells at me, in the middle of the street, telling me I can't just walk out of a bar without paying for the drinks. I ask him, "what do you want me to do? i don't have money to pay for the drinks that YOU ordered." he denied it was his fault. he asked me why i wanted to go to a bar to drink if i had no money to pay for the drinks (i had more than plenty of money on my debit card....). so i tell him i need to go to the atm if he wants me to pay for the drinks. then he told me again that its ****** up i walk into a bar, order drinks, and not pay for them. Originally, I wasn't even going to stop at that particular bar, I was going to go to the next one up the street. He complained about walking (literally a half a block down the road), so i told him lets just stop at the closer bar instead just to shut him up (he was being a total *** on the way to the bar too). after arguing with him in the middle of the high way about drinks, im like, "fine, whatever... ill go in the bar, tell the lady i dont have money for drinks, and tell her we'll be back." (i told the lady this before we left the first time, but i swear he wasnt getting the message). we get back inside, I give her the $4 I had (I was short like $2-3) and he demanded that I pay her back when I get money and continued to blame me and make me look like an *** in front of the bar tender. I came back the next day to apologise to the bar tender about his behavior, and to pay her back, and she refused to take my money. she told me not to worry about it, the drinks only costed the bar $1 each anyways.
i was so embarrassed that night... =(

This is the only abusive relationship that I've been in where I honestly feel like the victim because everything was always my fault, he was always paranoid I would baker act him, always afraid that i was using him, never wanted to leave his rv, never wanted me to invite friends over, only wanted to hang out with the neighbors, never wanted to leave and hang out with my friends, would always complain he wants to go home because he's tired after an hour or two of hanging out with my friends (after it takes like 30-45 minutes just to get there), never let me sleep if he wasn't ready for bed, would always give me the ultimatum that i either want to see him, or my friends, and not both, was paranoid my friends were using me, he was also an alcoholic, an ex junkie, withdrawing from methadone for the past 6 months (he told me it gets in your bones and withdrawal takes a very long time and causes psychosis) just got out of manatee glens (supposedly from getting into an argument with his mom, and the neighbors called the cops when it got too loud and stirred up drama that shouldn't have been started, landing him in jail and being evaulated, getting diagnosed with different mental illnesses and being prescribed medication), doesn't seem to have any friends, believes that he is jesus christ, thinks that he is being watched by the government all the time (doesnt act paranoid, just talks about it a lot), he is like, overly friendly, never shuts up around new people, thinks the floods are coming, and he had me convinced that all of this was a result of psychosis from methadone withdrawal+jail+having no job+having no stability+being scared of going back to jail (his mother was paying for his rv)

i started hanging out with him prior to the summer. i've know this guy for 7 years. We stopped hanging out after the first 3 years because we lost contact. He never acted like this before. I met him when I was a 14 year old mall rat, and he worked at sprint, and I would hang out with him at his kiosk when I was bored. He would give me cigarettes and always tell me what he thought was best for me. he seemed like a really good guy. he seemed pretty normal... i dont know if he was ever normal, or its just easy for him to function in public...

it would be interesting to hear what diagnoses someone might come up with for this guy. lol

This guy makes me feel completely normal. =p
Still though, I question if maybe I really do cause problems in relationships (with the exception of this guy, where i feel as if i clearly am the victim)

[oscurochu]

Originally Posted by PookDo

A better question to ask is, is there something right with you?

I'm not sure to take that as a judgemental insult, because I've basically explained nothing good about myself, making it easy to make such a judgement... or sarcasm...

I'm only 21... I've only been in two relationships that I considered serious at the time. If my life in a relationship defines everything that is me, well, then perhaps there is nothing right about me, except the fact that I put everybody I care about before me. I stayed in the woods with someone who I felt treated me like absolute crap. I forgave her because she seemed different. I cared about her because I've known her for so long, and the three months we attempted a relationship is just a small fraction of that time. I moved out of my parents house, to sleep with the misquitos, to make sure someone that I cared about wasn't getting raped every night, or beat up, or robbed. I've bought her food, new clothes, found friends that would take her in. I feel like I've done too much for her. I didn't feel like that at the time, but after what she's given back, it really doesn't seem like it was worth it. I've always been the person that would put my friends before myself whenever i felt it was necessary. I've been told I have a big heart, and go out of my way to help people sometimes, and this is coming from people that don't even know the things i did for this girl. My other ex, I would do anything he asked from me, like buy him make up, cigarettes, food, piercing needles, jewelry, hair extensions, anything i could afford. i would drive him 30 miles to go see his friends that i didnt even know. i isolated myself from my real friends when i was with him because he always wanted me there with him. i love to see people smile, whether it be the cashier at the gas station, or my closest friends. there are plenty of things that i feel that are "right" with me. my best friend used to be a cutter and i was always there for her when she needed me... when she got raped, when she went through her abusive relationships, getting over exes, her moms death, when her sister would aggrivate her to no end, anytime she wanted to cut, when she was bullemic and anorexic i called her dad and told him (i was only 13 and didnt know what else to do, she was mad at me then, but thanks me for it now).

idk, you tell me... is there something right with me?

[FogNoggin]

Maybe you are kind to a fault, and you gravitate towards people that you see you can help somehow. (You seem like that kind of person.) And these are the people you wind up having relationships with. Not only that but your history surrounds you by these people, people with problems and no jobs and no responsibilty, that for some reason had to move into a crowded house, be they kicked out from elsewhere or for whatever reasons. (here I am jobless, and not responsible enough, thanks ADD )

Can't remember what the term is 'serial toxic relationships syndrome' something like that, but there are people that wind up with toxic partners in a serial manner.

[RedHairedWitch]

I strongly suggest that you google "codependency"

[TheChemicals]

Perfectly fine perfectly normal

[Unmanagable]

I honestly wasn't able to read all of what you wrote, but I can relate to many of the things I did read.

I've been known to "be kind to a fault". I've endured multiple physically abusive relationships. I've always put others before myself.

It's taken me 44 years to realize that what I understood, expressed, and defined as "kindness" was me "enabling" others, as well as myself, to get some very unhealthy, unrecognized, and undiagnosed needs met.

It was a vicious and toxic cycle. RedHairedWitch's suggestion is excellent.

This quote really helps me remember how important it is to stay aware:

"Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind." ~Dodinsky

I hope you're able to find some helpful information that can provide you with some clarity.

[oscurochu]

Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch

I strongly suggest that you google "codependency"

i don't want to be like this... but its already who i am... i dont want to create another unhealthy relationship... what do i do? should i tell my bf about my problem? is there a way i can change myself?

[RedHairedWitch]

It's called therapy/counselling *hugs*

I in the mean time, check out one of more of these books:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood


An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal by John Friel and Linda D. Friel


Codependency For Dummies by Darlene Lancer


Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone by Joyce Meyer


The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation by Melody Beattie

[oscurochu]

so basically the idea behind codependency is the desire to want to help people? if its really that simple, i can stop caring so much... lol i dont mind helping people, i just go too far out of my way sometimes.

[FogNoggin]

And people will take advantage of that, not that they necessarily mean to, it just makes their lives easier when the burden is put on someone else.

After awhile being pampered, they come to expect it.

At least you don't have to wipe their *****.

Do you feel your choices for quality people are limited?
They can be if you are on the lower socio economic rung, where life is leftovers.
Like the oblongs cartoon who live in the valley and are peed on by those who live higher up. The higher ups get the pick of the litter, where the junk is tossed down the hill to the miscreants.
No offence, I feel like a miscreant myself, nothing good comes to me easily.

[oscurochu]

I don't believe my choices of quality people are limited, I just happen to find the ones that have issues and I give into people easily I guess.

[tortilaman]

Really frustrated that my therapist never brought up codependency. At least never in a way that it was a "thing" that I could do research about and get help on. Glad I stopped seeing him now.