I hope you can give me advice/enlightening..

[Jessica2012]

My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADD about seven years ago. But he wants to take a new test, cause he don`t think it`s ADD he`s got..

Over the past seven years he has not had a job, he has spent most of his time home alone watching TV. I think living like that, with very limited contact with other people, can mess up someone pretty bad. I know that after just a couple of weeks without a job I`m not coping so good. To become zombie-like after some time, isn`t strange. Proper developing stops, people can stop remembering how life was before. A strange existence slowly becomes the everyday situation.
I can only imagine how it is to spend seven whole years without a job and other regular activities. I think I`d hit the wall fast, I wouldn`t handle it.
I admire his strenght and patience.

When we first met, One year ago, he was in a good period. We were happy. But after a while he seemed careless about many things.
I started asking him if he could remove his plate from the table and rince it after dinner, if he could mop the floor etc. He had used to do that without
me asking him before. He didn`t wanna cuddle and have sex as much as before neither...
It feels like he was trying to be someone he is really not, when we first met. To make a good impression, make changes and hopefully stay like that.
He was honest and open from the beginning, about his different problems. Most of them were in his past, and he had come a far way "solving" the ones he still had.
Later he has told me that he thought he was really getting on top of his problems and solved most of them before we met. But he started realizing that wasn`t really the case. So he felt guilty that he`s involving me in his "mess".
I`m a big girl, I make my own decitions. And I`ve let him know that there is no need to feel guilty.

I love him. But I don`t know how much longer this can go on. He says that he loves me.. But he doesn`t show me that he loves me. I feel action (and lack of it) speaks much louder than words. I don`t feel much affection from him. Not much passion, appreciation, lust etc.. Many things that shows love, aren`t there.
He rearly takes initiative to different couples activities. He`s been so focused on the TV, not having anyone but himself to think about, that he doesn`t really know what else to do. He hasn`t had a relationship in years, and the ones he had, wasn`t very serious.

I`m concerned about this. I don`t wanna ask and fuss for him to show me his love. It has to come natural.. But it doesn`t seem like it`s gonna.
I asked him if his feelings for me really are as strong as he thinks. He doesn`t seem to be in love. Of course there is some kissing, cuddling, sex and "romance".. But not very much, and it`s usually me who takes the first move. I feel like an lovesick or almost constantly horny teenager.

He says that he is trying, and he will try harder to show me how he feels. We have talked about this more than once... And if it gets any better, it`s only for a short period.
I don`t understand what`s going on in his mind. Why does he choose to stay in this relationship? Doesn`t he want more from it than this?

I believe that things can become better. And I think it won`t take much to make it much better..
But we`ve been talking for so long, without anything really happening. If we can`t even make small changes for the better now, what about the bigger steps in the future?
He knows that I need to see changes to stay with him. He doesn`t wanna loose me. And still it feels like he`s not even trying. Not much effort..
He has shown me alittle more affection, but things mainly are the same.

He wants to start working. And I think that he would change alot by having a normal daily life. More physical activities, contact with other people etc. would make things better.
He`s been wanting to start working for a long time. And as with some other things, there is alot of talk, but not so much action. How can I encourage him? I don`t wanna push him..

We don`t communicate very well either. None of us feel like we can express ourself properly. We keep talking about the same issues, we have solutions, but we are stuck. We don`t know how to make a decision together, and stick to it. Except from "I love you", he doesn`t say much that shows me that he cares.

I`ve felt like a nagging mother for him. Asking him to do different chores, telling him to remember this and that, asking if he have done what he was supposed to ect. I also got annoyed when he never really got started, nothing seemed to be urgent for him..
This did not make things better. If I showed him that I was annoyed, he became even slower or completely wasn`t able to do anything.
Now I try to stay focused on letting him take the responsibility for his stuff. And stay calm and kindly remind him of things that can give bad consequences if he forgets.

As a couple we should have our different things to take care of. Leave some responsibility to each other. But I feel like I have to keep an eye on things that affects me/us. I wanna trust him, he wanna be trusted, but with his ADD (or what ever it is that`s causing this), he has shown that he is not capable of taking care of things as wished.

I`m proud of him in so many ways.. I know it`s important that I encourage him.. It`s a bit difficult to balance encouraging and take to much control and be naggy.
And when I praise him, it feels strange sometimes. Some things that I can do without any effort, he has to struggle to achieve.
I`m afraid that the praise seems fake, but both of us thinks it`s important that I let him know when he does something good, so I`m gonna continue to look for small, huge things and praise it.

Sometimes I kinda forget that there is something causing him to be the way he is. I don`t get why it`s so hard for him to take more initiative, do chores etc.
I have a hard time trying to understand that what seems to be lack of love, isn`t.

I alternate between wondering what the f*** we`ve been doing for almost a year now, I fear that it might have been a kinda waist of time, that things will not get better...
And... that I love him, I think he`s got so many great qualities, we can be so good together, I wanna do what I can to understand and support him. When we got through the difficulties we`ve had so far, we shouldn`t give up.

I haven`t described everything about him here, but is it anything that you immediately see is typically ADD here? Or definately something else than ADD?

[ToneTone]

Sister,

Let me share some wisdom from an older guy. Your situation sounds like the reverse of a situation I was in not too long ago. Here's what I've learned: it DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THE CAUSE OF THE BAD BEHAVIOR/NEGLECT/DISTANCE IS.

If you are miserable, it's best to leave while it's easy to do so.

Here is the only exception I offer to a single person (married people have other reasons for staying). The only reason to try to be understanding is if the partner IDENTIFIES CLEARLY HIS SITUATION AND IS AGGRESSIVELY SEEKING TREATMENT TO OVERCOME IT.

If the partner who is treating you poorly is taking the initiative for changing their live. If they are apologizing for their neglect. And if they are making progress, then you MIGHT ... MIGHT... CONSIDER giving them some time to get themselves together. Otherwise, if you are miserable, you are miserable. And it ain't gonna change by anything of your doing ...

So yes, he might have ADHD. But ADHD doesn't explain or justify his behavior and it really should have nothing to do with you staying with him. I once dated a woman with serious emotional troubles. She was sweet sometimes. I liked her. She would have these incredible times when she would lash out at me with the nastiest words. And she would get borderline paranoid. I dated her way too long because I was assuming she was working on overcoming her condition.

What I later realized is that SHE NEVER TOOK THE INITIATIVE TO SAY, "I'm sorry, I lashed out at you. I'm going to my counselor today. I am going to work on it. HERE'S MY PLAN: 1, 2, 3."

I FANTASIZED and imagined she was saying the above. But looking back, she simply nodded when I suggested these things ...There is a huge difference.

Bottom line: in the end I got burnt and fried like a piece of toast in a forest fire. And I had to take time to figure out what went wrong, where my "niceness" and patience got in the way. And I realized, SHE never came to me with a plan. She never came to me admitting her mistakes. She never came to me and freely tried to undo the damage of her attacks on me.

I also forgot this rule: the best predictor of future behavior is current and past behavior. People don't change overnight ... even when they want to change and they get help to change and they furiously work on changing, they don't change overnight. So ADHD or not, you're in for more of the same until HE (not you) HE identifies his problems and seeks help.

Good luck.

Tone

[Jessica2012]

He knows that he has problems. He knows that we can`t go on like this. Even though I come with suggestions, he has his own ideas too. He tells me what he thinks is the best to do, and he wants to do it, but he`s got trouble making words into reality. I`m gonna ask him to try explaining what stoppes him. There is so much on the line.. Our relationship, functioning in a "normal" life again, job.

The people who were supposed to help him, didn`t do a good job. He doesn`t trust people that are educated and (should) have the experience to help anymore.
I think he feels like he`s on his own, it`s overwhelming. He don`t know where to start. He doesn`t wanna involve me to much in becoming more healthy. I`m his girlfriend, not his doctor, psychiatrist, social worker etc.
So I realize that I can`t really do much, but I can be on his side and support him..

I wrote that I`ve felt like a mother asking him to do different chores, and that didn`t help our situation. So I stopped, and try to focus on the good things he actually does. Now he do chores without me asking him, he`s also more affectionate. There is a progress.. In some areas much more than others.
To push him doesn`t make anything better, but this can`t take forever either..

What you were dealing with can`t be compared to what I`m describing..
She lashed out at you with the nastiest words, and she never said she was sorry.
I feel bad you got burnt. And I appreciate what you wrote here.

I knew my boyfriend before he got the diagnose. He was outgoing, had many friends, was very helpful when others had problems (he still is) etc. He has so many qualities that aren`t as visible anymore, but they are still there. And he`s got qualities that still shows.

To keep in mind that he`s not gonna change overnight, is important. My impatience is not good. I haven`t really accepted that things are how they are, until now. At least I`m trying. Things are gonna take time, I have to be ok with that, for this to last..

I would really appreciate answers from people who has a partner with ADD. And off course, to get answers from people who have the diagnose themselves.
I don`t deal with it in the best way, and could use some advice.

[RedHairedWitch]

Welcome to the forum.

Here's a list of threads worth reading:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9767

http://addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=98803


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=85894


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=73780

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...ghlight=corner



Also a couple of great books to look into:

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

by Gina Pera and Russell Barkley


Taking Charge of Adult ADHD

by Russell A. Barkley


The ADHD Marriage Workbook a User-Friendly Guide to Improving Your Relationship

by Michael T. Bell and Trevor Williams


ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says

by Russell A. Barkley



And here are some videos that you guys could watch:


http://www.caddac.ca/cms/video/teens_adults_player.html

[Jessica2012]

Thank you, RedHairedWitch!
I`ll take a look at the links..

[sarahsweets]

There are no tests for adhd of any kind. So if he took a "test" and doesnt believe it i dont blame him, an evaluation is what is used for diagnosis. He needs to want to be treated. And you need decide that if living with him never being treated is something you can do forever. If it isnt than cut the ties. Many people want their loved ones to seek help for something but their loved ones have to want to help themselves.

[kilted_scotsman]

It might be worth wondering if it's a coincidence that it's 7 years since his diagnosis and 7 years since he's had a job?

Dealing with the diagnosis can be tough..... before the diagnosis there's always the hope that the next job/relationship/idea will be the one that makes it all work out.... after diagnosis this is gone.... and the realisation that you are what you are can be difficult to deal with.

This is why it's important for the person to do the heavy lifting to work out how to interface with our messed up society in a meaningful and fulfilling way. Meaningful and fulfilling for them.... which is not always meaningful and fulfilling in society's eyes.

He has to want to help himself.... and keep trying to help himself... saying "all professionals are useless" is a deflection so that he doesn't have to try.... and if someone "forces" him to go to a professional he'll walk in with a hyper-critical approach that will be "wanting" the professional to slip up so that the original "all professionals are useless" statement is "proved" correct.

This points up a significant problem... if the sufferer gets some form of warped psychological pay-off from playing the "poor me" game then outside attempts to solve the problem may be attempted but with the objective of "proving" they don't work in order to say "I told you so" and continue the "Poor me" behaviours.

Unless this can be changed then the chances of improvement are slim.

Many ADDers are highly intelligent and adept at deflecting assistance in order to continue to play their games (sometimes these games are obvious eg video games, sometimes not)..... real true heartfelt desire to change themselves and leave the label behind is vital to personal growth.

If he spends lots of time in front of the TV.... get him to sell the TV.

kilted

[Jessica2012]

Sarahsweets, it wasn`t a simple test, it was an evaluation over some time.

He has experieced alot in his life, so I think that maybe he`s got ADD, I don`t know, but there is definately something else too/as well.

I have a question for everyone that has ADD or other diagnoses/problems that you needed help with: Did you understand from the beginning that you need treatment, that this wasn`t something you could handle on your own? Was it hard find the motivation? How did you keep trying?

How did you decide to do the heavy lifting, Kilted scotsman? And what exactly did/do you do?
My boyfriend is stubborn and he`s got both patience and impatience. It`s just used the wrong way right now. It`s like he`s given up on something. He talks the talk, but he doesn`t walk the walk.

Originally Posted by kilted_scotsman

He has to want to help himself.... and keep trying to help himself... saying "all professionals are useless" is a deflection so that he doesn't have to try.... and if someone "forces" him to go to a professional he'll walk in with a hyper-critical approach that will be "wanting" the professional to slip up so that the original "all professionals are useless" statement is "proved" correct.

This points up a significant problem... if the sufferer gets some form of warped psychological pay-off from playing the "poor me" game then outside attempts to solve the problem may be attempted but with the objective of "proving" they don't work in order to say "I told you so" and continue the "Poor me" behaviours.

Unless this can be changed then the chances of improvement are slim.

This is so right. But how can this be changed? It`s not like he`s gonna wake up one morning and suddenly think "Aha, this is what I`ve gotta do", do it, and succeed.
He knows that we can`t go on like this. He tells me that I`m the one he wants to be with, he doesn`t wanna loose me etc. But he doesnt start to REALLY do something. I know that when he feels stressed or pressured, he can become zombie-like. He becomes completely resigned. Maybe that`s what happens when he thinks about the chances for him and me still being together becomes smaller and smaller.. He blacks out.
I thought our relationship would be a huge motivation, but it`s not. That`s sad, but it`s true..

We`ve actually talked about getting rid of the TV. And I wasn`t the first to mention it. But he is used to watching series and movies on the computer.. So we should try to get outside the house more. Be more physically active. Do other things..

He had to quit school some years before he got the diagnose. He had a few jobs after that, but not for long.
There were problems with school for many years. It got worse and worse.. In the end he had to quit. He tried to work.. And then boom. Total stop.
I see now that I don`t really know much about everything that has been going on with him during his life. Right before we became a couple he told me that he had been to a psychologist, but he didn`t feel that it was useful. And the psychologist had told him that he didn`t think he needed therapy. I didn`t ask more about it then, cause he seemed to be fine. But after a while I started wondering. I think therapy would be helpful now, for him, and the both of us.


The psychologist said something about my boyfriends relation to someone in his family, that I think plays a very important role in this.
I don`t wanna write about it here. But it`s something that clearly affects him, and he don`t realize it. He`s so used to it, that he doesn`t reflect on it. It`s not easy to make him see what I see.

The best thing would be to get a new evalution. I think he`s got some symptoms on depression. He also has anxiety, for different things. I think he`s developed social anxiety. Taking a phone call to the doctors office and make an appointment, or going there when he`s close to the office... is to hard for him.
When we are at home, he wanna go to the office when we are close to it, instead of calling. When we are close to it, he`d rather call.
Should I make an appointment for him (if that`s ok with him)? He has to face his fears, but maybe he needs help from a doctor to start.
I used to have that tendency myself. Being afraid to talk in the phone. It was bad for a while, but I had to make some phonecalls. I got shaky, nervous, my heart beated. But I did it. And I always felt good after. It was never as bad as I thought it would be. I overcome it by myself.

But I think his fear is much bigger. I`ve been told that I shouldn`t try to "help" him in any way. Support him, but he has to do the work himself.
Many depressed people don`t see that`s what they are. I`m not saying he`s depressed, but the things he (don`t) do, suggests that he is.
I don`t think it`s right to not do anything. When people have been locked to a situation for years, they sometimes need eye-openers..
In what way can I try to be that (without taking the full control and not letting him think for himself)?

[kilted_scotsman]

Sounds like he's go classic avoidance/deflection going on...he knows he'd like to change.... so he can talk the talk....but deep down he's terrified of what that change might involve so he deflects from initiating the change and cannot walk the walk.

The problem is that he will carry that deflection into the therapy room/ doctors surgery and the therapist/GP can do nothing about that...it can be explored.... but only he can drop his guard.

One therapist I know had a client who said nothing for several months... they just came to the weekly hour long session, sat in the chair and that was it.... but the therapist knew the fact the client kept coming (and paying to come) meant the client was committed to change and it would happen eventually...trust was being built during the silence.

Basically there needs to be a thing he can do (not talk about doing) as a routine thing, either daily or weekly that is a signal to himself and others that he knows he wants to change and is taking a small step towards changing.

The thing doesn't have to be big..... even meditating with you for 15 minutes a day is enough..... once that step is taken ... and keeps being taken other things can be gently added to the routine.

It doesn't need a doctor to do anything....if he doesn't want to go to a doctor (as I didn't) there are other things that can be done.

Change diet, knock out alcohol, processed foods, snacky sugary things etc
More exercise, just a walk in the park once a day is enough
Meditation/yoga once or twice a week.
Pull the plug on the TV and computer.

You can do some of the initiating, after discussion with him, and walk beside him at the beginning.... for most things that help are beneficial to everybody.

What you can also do is go along to trainings and workshops about mental health and communication. This is useful in everyday life, not just the relationship....

Learning about how to "actively listen", do non-violent communication, interpret body language, analyse "transactions" all help in daily life.... and will help you understand the relationship you're in.

kilted

[sarahsweets]

I guess for me, my life was so out of control I was relieved to have something to explain it. There are many people here and elsewhere that just dont want to accept their diagnosis's because they may view it as some sort of weakness or flaw. Sometimes it takes years to acknowledge that you need treatment, but unfortunately a loved one can only do so much. Ultimately he has to want the treatment. Its like mealtimes..you can cook a huge meal but if you arent hungry you wont want to eat.

[Irishrose79]

I can only speak from my own experience (which is slightly different, as I was diagnosed at a young age) but I've really struggled with relationships over the years. The best way I can explain it is that the more something (or someone) matters to me, the more I worry that I'm going to screw it up by not being able to hold my own when it comes to all the mundane tasks that have to be shared. I start thinking of all the ways I've messed up before, all the times my house and finances have gotten out of control because I couldn't stick to a plan to keep up with them and my brain goes nuts. When it was just me I tended to let things slide until they got so bad I had to do something and although I was always able to turn things around before it got to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore, there's a sense of shame that goes along with living life like that and the idea of someone I loved seeing that process... well, it was really just unbearable. In relationships I'd try so hard in the beginning and I could keep it up... for a little while. Then things would start to slip and I'd scramble to try to come up with excuses. I'd promise to try harder, promise that it wouldn't happen again. Of course, it always did and understandably my partner would get frustrated and react pretty much like you described above. Lists, reminders, pleas for me to explain what was going on. I'd be so furious with myself and my mind would start racing, trying to come up with strategies to cope and then I'd think about all the reasons why those strategies wouldn't work. It's really an exhausting cycle and eventually every option would seem so fraught with peril that I'd get so overwhelmed and it just seemed easier to not do anything. In the meantime, the frustration in the relationship continues which increases the stress... it can just be a never ending cycle. As I said, this is strictly my experience, but in my case I didn't have the self esteem to recognize that frustration with the situation didn't equate with the other person's love for me as a person, or to believe that I was even worth loving. I did, and still do to some extent, so many things to try and cover up my deficits, to hide my coping stratgies that I felt like the person they loved didn't actually exist. Years of hearing "You could succeed if you'd just apply yourself... if you'd just try harder" when you're doing every dang thing you can to hold yourself together can be very hard to overcome.

It seems as though you genuinely care for him and I wish I had the magical formula that could help you. I can tell you that what others have said is true, he has to believe that help is out there and want to help himself. For me, it took accepting the fact that, yeah there are going to be things that are always going to be harder for me. I'm never going to have a spotless house, I'm probably never going to have perfect credit and I'm never going to be the organized one in a relationship. However, with a little effort, lots of education and the right treatment plan, I am capable of having a house I'm not embarrassed to live in, pretty decent credit and I can contribute plenty of other important things to a relationship. I also found the right person. My boyfriend is pretty straightlaced, loves to clean (weird, I know... alien to me) and goes nuts if things are out of place (especially in the kitchen) so we compromise. He has his closet, I have mine. I take extra care in keeping the kitchen clean, but I'm allowed to organize the drawers and pantry the way I like and he helps me stick to my original plan. The garage is his, my craft room is totally mine. He's learned to recognize when I'm getting overwhelmed and knows that I love him but I need to be left alone for a bit. I understand that those times are hard on him and do my best to take care of myself so they don't happen as often. He trys not to move my things from where I put them but if he has to, he leaves me a note telling where he moved it to. He keeps a running chore list on the fridge and I try my best to pick one thing a day and do it. He's learned that nagging doesn't work. I've learned to admit when I'm struggling. Don't get me wrong, there are still rough spots (we still squabble over whether making the bed is necessary) but overall, we do pretty well.

[ToneTone]

Jessica,

I'm gonna be direct. I was a person who dated people who I wanted to rescue, save, heroically help them turn their lives around.

Well, what I found out is:

1. People have go to want to change on their own as I said in my first response to you ...

and


2. This is most important, the fact that I got involved repeatedly with people who were severely emotionally troubled meant that I myself was severely emotionally troubled. Maybe more so!

3. The reality that I kept gravitating towards people who were emotionally distraught spoke volumes about me and

• my insecurities
• my immaturity
• lack of social skills
• lack of confidence
• lack of basic common sense
• my experience of neglect while growing up
• my disconnect from joy and connection with people
• my belief that I didn't deserve any better
• my tendency to put up with all kinds of misery
• my inability to focus on my own goals and life
• my inability to value myself and my life and time
• lack of emotional intelligence
• my inability to set boundaries
• my inability to say no and to stand up for myself.

I believe in being compassionate and loving. I've need compassion and support. But compassion does not mean you have to date somebody.

Tone

[Jessica2012]

Thanks for your replies!

Kilted scotsman, I think you are right. There`s a chance he`d carry the deflection to the terapy if he went there now.
What you wrote about doing something as a routine, that shows that he wants to change, and are taking small steps towards it, is important.
He`s diet overall has been good. Not much processed food, not much sugar and fat. He rearly drinks alcohol. More exercise, though, yes. I think that would be helpful. Having fun and stay active while doing it, would be great.

There aren`t any workshops around here. I read books about different "languages" people talk to express their love, how to really listen and communicate well etc. Unfortunately, my boyfriend`s concentration prevents him from reading. And he thinks it`s strange to read about all of this, he thinks people should think for themselves. I think people should think themselves too, but it can be useful to get information elsewhere.
I think there`s alot to learn from books and other peoples experiences.
Especially if you are stuck, and what you do isn`t really successfull, a book can give inspiration and new ideas.


Irishrose79, I think you and my boyfriend have some similar thoughts. The more something matters to him, the more he worries that he`s gonna screw it up. He`s thinking and thinking, and he`s brain goes nuts.
When it was just him, he let things slide too.

Like you, he tried hard in the beginning. I thought he just was like that, more tidy than me. But I realized that wasn`t how he really was.
He promised me things, like he would do tings better from now, he would do different chores "later".. I told him he shouldn`t promise things he might not keep. Cause promising makes things more "serious". If you promise, you do. If you don`t, you aren`t reliable.
It`s better if he just does things as good as he can, without any promises. So he`s doing that now.
He want`s things to be great. But the more he thinks about it, the more his mind starts racing, he get`s overwhelmed, and everything collapses. He does nothing, and things get even worse.

What you wrote about self esteem and that the situation didn't equate with the other person's love for you as a person, or to believe that
you were worth loving, I`ll keep in mind. I`m gonna talk with my boyfriend about alot of things you have written. I think he might have the same thoughts.. He is open to me, but I think it would be good to totally let his guard down. Just be himself.

Compromise is essential. And the running chore list on the fridge, seems good! My boyfriend didn`t think making lists would do any good, he thought he`d just forget that he had written something. But agreed that I could make a list.
The chores got done. I want things to be done as fast as possible. I don`t think it`s good to stress, but not postpone either. Things can occur and the chore gets even more delayed.. With him, on the other hand, there is no rush. We compomise, the chores get done. Taking longer time than what I`d prefer, and shorter than he`d prefer,
but keeps us both happy.

I have to keep focusing on my things, like the effect nagging has. He`s gotta focus on his things..
We gotta be more clear about everything when we talk. I think the reason why we`ve talked without really getting anywhere before, is that it`s been to vague.
We have to sit down and make many small goals we can achieve. Not just say "we should do something else than watch TV", but figure out what exactly we can do.


ToneTone, I don`t wanna be a hero, to "rescue" or "save". I know that there`s no use in trying to help people who don`t want help.
But I don`t think the right thing for me is to leave.

I think you and I are very different. I have not repeatedly gotten involved with people who were emotionally troubled. I have my problems too,
that makes me even more determined to not just give up on something that can be great.
There is a limit.. I don`t think people should stay if they are totally miserable, mistreated and/or abused. But I don`t feel that`s my case.
I think many people leave to quickly now a days.. I want me and my boyfriend to really be there for each other, even through times that aren`t great.
We have things to talk about and solve. If we can`t figure it out, there`s only one thing to do. I know that..


We`re gonna try to stay away from the TV and computer for a while.
I appreciate your answers. It makes me look at things with different eyes as well.

[Irishrose79]

I think he's really, really lucky to have someone who cares enough to reach out and try and understand what he's going through. It would mean a lot to me if I were in his place. Your plan sounds like a great place to start. Good luck to you both!

[Plognark]

From my own perspective, he absolutely has to get some kind of medication to get his brain functioning correctly. I've been with the same patient woman for 12 and a half years. She's put up with my stints of unemployment, stuck with me when I've been fired, etc, etc.

I only figured out that I had ADHD a year ago. We've had rough patches through our whole marriage, but I simply did not have the mental capabilities to properly figure out what was going on. I couldn't even explain it. I couldn't explain it to her, or any of my bosses or teachers.

Asking him to explain what's going on isn't going to work. I doubt he's able to. He probably feels bad that he can't either. There are just no good words in English to express it without sounding lazy or incompetent. There is a major part of his brain that is misfiring. It has nothing to do with willpower or motivation.

To this day I can't explain why I never did homework as a kid, or why I made enough careless mistakes to get fired. I know some of the technical biochemical stuff going on, but it's just... It just doesn't work. It's like being in a perpetual fog.

I don't know if you should or will stay with him... Sounds like a lot of baggage. But trying to get him to open up and explain what's going on won't lead to any revelation that will suddenly spark his motivation.

If he does have ADD, and it sounds like it fits, he needs medicine, exercise, and a healthy diet. I don't think he'll get far without those things, but the most critical one is medication. It is absolutely the most effective treatment available. Not everyone responds to it, but that's where he should start.

I wish you luck, however things proceed