he just blew up on me

[Fuzzy12]

he got angry because i haven't made an appointment the private specialist yet. He doesn't believe though that I've got adhd. He thinks it's just another excuse to not pull my weight just as my depression is just something that's convenient for me for the same reason. Apparently people are depressed because it makes them feel important to have something to worry about. Without depression their lives would be empty.

Anyway he is fed up again. He is mad that i still haven't finished my phd. He is angry that the anti depressants aren't helping. He blames my attitude. He is over worked and I'm not helping or taking any responsibility. He asked me why i married him if i expect him to do everything on his own like a single person. He said i should either call the specialist, start making some decisions and start pulling my weight or i should file for divorce.

Now he s calmed down again i think. I almost wish he would just leave me. I'm tired of feed guilty, inadequate, like a constant failure. I mean i know that's what i am but i wish i could be a failure on my own. I don't want to hurt him. If he'd tell me he'd be happier on his own I'd leave in a jiffy. I'm craving some solitude Anyway. Though I've got no illusions I'll ever find anyone else who Will put up with me. And it would probably mean that I'll never have children. I don't know what to do. The things he said hurt even if they are true. A part of me just wants to say **** it and get the hell out of here. But this is not a decision i can make. I can't even decide which pub to go to how am i supposed to decide this. Well my indecisiveNess is another thing he hates. I don't want to deal. I just want to sleep. I wish my brain would shut up more than anything else.

[Sandy4957]

Fuzzy, sweetie, you know that, like others on this board, I care about you, right?

Call the specialist.

It's the one thing that is your responsibility as the spouse in this situation. Yes, he has to adjust around you. Yes, you are ill. Yes, he needs to cut you a bit of slack because of that. And yes, you probably agreed to be in it together, "in sickness and in health," or whatever your vows were.

But there's a difference between being depressed and doing everything you can, and refusing to try things. I know that it's hard to pull it together to call the specialist. Call a girlfriend if you must and enlist her help. But in fairness to him, you do need to do it.

Can you do it? Do you have a girlfriend who will take responsibility for coming over to your apartment, dragging you out of bed, dialing the phone and sitting with you through the steps? Don't ask the hubster to do this because he's exhausted. Ask a girlfriend.

I'll bet that you have a girlfriend who would do this for you, don't you think?

I don't say anything to be mean or to criticize you, here. I'm just saying as one who has been on the other side of this that it's really, really difficult to watch someone you care about go through what you're going through and NOT be able to help them, in part because they won't follow your advice.

It may be that the specialist won't help, but the hubster will appreciate that you did that FOR HIM, at least in part.

[gatorADDe]

Sorry to hear about this. My advice is to schedule an appt with the specialist!

Hope things get better for you soon

[Fuzzy12]

i know you are right. I'll call on Monday. That's what i told A as well. Sigh can't i just leave? Just go somewhere far from anyone that loves me? I just want to disappear.

[Sandy4957]

Call the girlfriend this weekend, and then once the girlfriend is on board that she will NOT let the appointed day go by without the call being made, whatever that takes, then tell the hubster that you've got the plan in place and things will get easier.

This stuff does pass eventually.

[salleh]

Fuzzy ......there's one thing I have learned in all my many many years on the planet .....and that is this .......

......This too shall pass.........


and it will , it really will....and we all know how hard it is to get going and start to climb out of it .....we have all been there .....you're not talking to a bunch of NTs who just say "snap out of it" ....we KNOW what you're going through .....


.....But YOU have to be the one to start .....there are things that only you can do for yourself .....and Sandy's right ( she pretty much always is ....get used to it) get a girlfriend to come over and help you make that appointment .....


......the second winter I stayed in MIchigan and was having problems getting a hold of my California doctor to send me my scrip, I was so far under the bed that I needed that same kind of help ....it is ridiculous I know, but for some of us just making a phone call is Mt. Everest, and we have to climb it without oxygen ......

....Janet called her aunt's pdoc for me and took me to the appoinment .....it was very easy ...( course I had been diagnosed for about 15 years at that point) but it didn't matter how easy it was, I couldn't have done it without help ....


....Call that friend.....


...Make that appointment....you WILL look back and wonder why you put it off for so long ....I promise you ....



....The thing is ....I betcha that a great amount of your depression is being caused by feeling of failure and frustration with your lack of control of your own life .....


...so guess what ? ....I will also further bet, that, ...when you are finally getting treatment for your ADD, your depression will lighten up considerably ....because you will find that you're starting to get control of your life ....maybe for the first time ever ...


...and it's a real thrill......


.,.....sure there will be off days, we all have 'em ....but medication will improve your life in ways you can't begin to know .....until you get there ....


.....it's a long road ..the right doctor, the right medication, the right dosage .... ....but worth every baby step you take ....


....get on with it girl ...you have a whole life ahead of you ...go and get it .....

[Sandy4957]

(Heh heh. Salleh, you're funny. Want to see Sandy not have it together? Wander on over to the meditation thread... )

Girlfriends are great things, Fuzzy. Unlike a hubby or a boyfriend, girlfriends can care for you without having it make them feel badly about themselves. (Hubbies and boyfriends feel responsible for your unhappiness, even if, intellectually, they know that they're not.) And a good girlfriend won't judge you. She'll be energized by the idea that you are asking for help.

Gooooooo, Fuzzy! Call that girlfriend. Call that girlfriend!!!

[CheekyMonkey]

It's in sickness and in health.


Did he forget that part?!


Sorry, I know he has some good reason for being upset. My husband gets angry with things I do just like that. I get it. However, throwing all this at you is not help. Talk of babies and divorce in the same day?!


Even when my husband was extremely sick with his bipolar stuff, and he didn't do anything and he was irritable and sometimes insane......I separated THAT from HIM. It is hard to be the person on the other side, always feeling like you have to be the strong one. However, blaming the person with the disability doesn't accomplish anything except making them feel guilty. /soapbox

Do you guys do therapy or anything together? It seems like he needs some support as well.

[Drewbacca]

I can relate fuzzy *hugs*

[ginniebean]

I don't have long so just running in to quickly kick ya bum and say, call the specialist. ET phone hoooooooome.

[Fuzzy12]

so i called my gp today for the referral to the private specialist. I've made an appointment. I hope she'll write the referral. I'm still genericallY hurting. Not sure what's wrong. I should probably discuss my anti depressants with her as well. Thanks for the support everyone.

[purpleToes]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

so i called my gp today for the referral to the private specialist. I've made an appointment. I hope she'll write the referral. I'm still genericallY hurting. Not sure what's wrong. I should probably discuss my anti depressants with her as well. Thanks for the support everyone.

Hooray!

YOU DID GOOD!!!

We know this was a tough one for you.

[Sandy4957]

You go, GGGGGGRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLL! Tell DH he owes you a foot rub for that.

Or.... sumfin'.

[salleh]

sigh ....foot rubs and 6 trips to England ...the ONLY good parts of my marriage ....

[CheekyMonkey]

Good job!!!