Hard time making close friends

[gimom07]

Hello

I was wondering if there are any people like me in these ways:

I am very friendly, not too shy, pretty outgoing. I don't really have a problem just talking to my neighbor and joking around or whatever.

I don't have a problem speaking my mind in class (I'm in college), or even talking in front of large groups of people (as long as I have mentally prepared myself, at least). When I am in a situation to speak in front of people, I am complimented on my enthusiasm and ability to project.

I am used to embarrassing myself and saying things wrong or things that can be taken in the wrong way, and I just laugh along with it. I have found ways to handle and overcome that somewhat, and I am learning to think before I talk.
I feel like I am a pretty socially capable person. (However, as a child I was extremely shy, I just somehow have overcome/outgrown some of that).

***HOWEVER***, I really have a hard time making close friends. I want to have friends, but I don't know how to get close to people. I have a lot of acquaintances. I can make small talk, no problem. But it seems like everyone around me already has best buddies and there is no room for me. I am always the odd one out it seems like. Time to pick partners? I am the odd person standing in the corner who the teacher has to assign me to two others to make a group of three.

I also sometimes find myself thinking someone is a close friend, but realizing they don't think of me the same way. It's not a matter of being afraid to be friends with them, or having intimacy issues....I love being close to people...it's how do I even do become their friend? Yes I have had close friends before, but that was in the Army and they live everywhere. I have been in Utah 3 years and not made any good girl friends.

Another weakness that may hold me back is the ability to remember people's names....they can have just introduced themselves and I will forget their name almost immediately!

Am I making sense? There is probably a better way to explain this but I am having a hard time with it. I don't understand why it is this way for me.

I was trying to see if there were any posts about this already, but I couldn't find any. I read a couple random posts earlier of people talking about how they had a hard time making friends, and that's something I have always had a hard time with, and I had no idea it was related to ADD.

Crap, I always make my posts too long. Sorry!

[sarahsweets]

welcome, you will find friends here.

[ADDarren]

I forget names all the time.....it's horrible. Even trying to conciously remember names, forgetting is the norm for me.
I've forgotted the same persons name dozens of times (My neighbor) I currently know his name, but I'm sure I'll forget it again.......

[splinter]

finding and making friends is very difficult for me too so I am not surprised at what you are saying. I have also found that if I am successful or so I think the relationship does not generally continue as they have such busy lives they have other things to do and I am back to the begining.
You are lucky that you can do the social chat, as I just get bored and want the conversation to come to an end. What you have to remember is that you are special and will find a friend that will understand you but there are so many different types of people and not all mix so the right person has to be there for you to find.
It is not just you that can go on a bit. Sorry.

[tortilaman]

I have a similar problem. I am generally very talkative, and tend to make comments that can be taken the wrong way. I can't say I've found a solution to making close friends, but I've kinda just found the solution to making friends at all.

I think I'm an introvert, so that kinda contributes to it. I don't really feel the need a lot of the time to call somebody up and say "hey let's do something" but I do generally feel the need to be around people, so it's kind of an annoying conflict of interest I guess you could call it. Moving helped me find new people, but I can't say I've become good friends with anybody.

[-nyr0c-]

I used to have issue finding friends and making them, but that has generally gotten a little easier as I have grown up and branched out from my house.

But keeping friends? A really hard thing for me to do, I tend to start ignoring my close friends after a little while for some dumb reason. I always seem to burn bridges because I'd rather be alone than hang out, even with my closest friends. So I know what you mean by making "friends" - I've always felt like the odd one out in groups, like there isn't room for me.

Welcome to the forum, by the way!

[gimom07]

Thank you! I am looking forward to getting to know u all

[Jacksper]

Like -nyr0c-, and perhaps gimom07 if I interpret it well, I easily make contacts, my parents said lately that I probably have thousands of friends (my parents probably hear new names every other time I talk to them). I love meeting new people, and I also like to meet up with them!

So, it would seem nothing is wrong, and I think that's almost true right now, but in the past, I really found it difficult to make good friends of people, because I get easily bored by them or I just somehow don't have the skills/mindset to stick with someone. It means meeting up regularly (which is difficult as a disorganized person), and I somehow preferred doing stuff on my own or with new people.

I solved this by just choosing a few friends that I would give an "trial period", to see how it goes when I meet with them at least every few weeks. As a result, right now (a year letter), I can call some people good friends, which is really nice. And although I still like to meet many new people, at the same time I care a bit less about that, because it doesn't give me the same thing that I get from friends.

So, my advice:
- meet up with people. Just invite people to do stuff with, be it sporting, going out, watching movies.
- if you're meeting up with some people, just try to stick with them for some time, but on the other hand don't claim them and don't think you have to be friends for life, although that's possible.
- meet your army friends every now and then. Some of my old friends dispersed through the country (which is the Netherlands, much smaller than the US so perhaps a different situation), and I try to meet up with them once or twice per year. It's a low goal, but it's nice to have some contact with them in this way.
- EDIT: if you are a chaotic person, it might help to write down in your agenda when you are going to meet up with people/do social stuff. It might take a conscious decision to get out and meet up with people.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by gimom07

***HOWEVER***, I really have a hard time making close friends. I want to have friends, but I don't know how to get close to people. I have a lot of acquaintances. I can make small talk, no problem. But it seems like everyone around me already has best buddies and there is no room for me. I am always the odd one out it seems like. Time to pick partners? I am the odd person standing in the corner who the teacher has to assign me to two others to make a group of three.

I also sometimes find myself thinking someone is a close friend, but realizing they don't think of me the same way. It's not a matter of being afraid to be friends with them, or having intimacy issues....I love being close to people...it's how do I even do become their friend? Yes I have had close friends before, but that was in the Army and they live everywhere. I have been in Utah 3 years and not made any good girl friends.

Another weakness that may hold me back is the ability to remember people's names....they can have just introduced themselves and I will forget their name almost immediately!

Thanks for posting and joining ADD Forums! I hope you get all of your support needs met here.

It seems like you already have the tools necessary to develop friends. You can make small talk and are outgoing. You have a comfort level with people.

What are the qualities of close friends? Close friends share intimate details about each others' lives. Close friends spend more time talking than regular friends, I would think.

The only way I developed closer friendships was going after people. That means that I pursued them, which is a very difficult thing for ADDers to do. It's hard for us to sustain attention with anything, even if it's going to be truly rewarding. So, I would be the one to suggest we do something. I would be the one to talk to them.

I think this is something you need to be proactive about. I also practiced focusing on their needs over my own, finding things we had in common and not expecting perfection. I know it's hard.

I was in one of my really good friends' wedding, last summer. That was about three years of hard work. I gave him and his wife a poem, which I had a calligrapher write, as their present. The poem hangs in their living room.

It's possible. It just takes time.

[tudorose]

I find it hard to let people into my life. I've been hurt so much that it's just not worth it. I have a wide circle of acquaintances but no-one who I'd actually want to invite over for dinner.

[sarahsweets]

Making close friends is harder than one thinks because for me, I always think theres an alternative motive

[BR549]

I am very friendly, not too shy, pretty outgoing. I don't really have a problem just talking to my neighbor and joking around or whatever.

I'm fairly shy in new situations and when meeting new people. After that, I have no problems.

I don't have a problem speaking my mind in class (I'm in college), or even talking in front of large groups of people (as long as I have mentally prepared myself, at least). When I am in a situation to speak in front of people, I am complimented on my enthusiasm and ability to project.

I have no problem speaking in front of large groups (say 500+) and have done so many times over the last 7-8 years. I have more problems speaking in front of a small group of people that I know. As a matter of fact, it was a mistake I made during one of my larger speaking engagements (probably close to 1000 people) that helped lead me to see a pdoc.

I am used to embarrassing myself and saying things wrong or things that can be taken in the wrong way, and I just laugh along with it. I have found ways to handle and overcome that somewhat, and I am learning to think before I talk.
I feel like I am a pretty socially capable person. (However, as a child I was extremely shy, I just somehow have overcome/outgrown some of that)

Yup. Me too.

***HOWEVER***, I really have a hard time making close friends. I want to have friends, but I don't know how to get close to people. I have a lot of acquaintances. I can make small talk, no problem.

Yes. I have this problem too. I also prefer to have a small group of close friends rather than a large group. It's hard for me not to go somewhere and run into people I know and socialize with, but they are what I consider acquaintances. I have a large group of acquaintances.

But it seems like everyone around me already has best buddies and there is no room for me. I am always the odd one out it seems like. Time to pick partners? I am the odd person standing in the corner who the teacher has to assign me to two others to make a group of three.

No, I don't have this issue. I have my best buddies and if they aren't around when I'm out, then I'm okay with that. There are very few times I feel I am odd-man out. Probably because I'm not great with picking up those types of things and social cues.

I also sometimes find myself thinking someone is a close friend, but realizing they don't think of me the same way. It's not a matter of being afraid to be friends with them, or having intimacy issues....I love being close to people...it's how do I even do become their friend? Yes I have had close friends before, but that was in the Army and they live everywhere. I have been in Utah 3 years and not made any good girl friends.

I do tend to think that everyone in my social group--acquaintances and friends--are all friends with each other and should always get along and like each other. Unless someone says to me "I am your friend. You can come to me for blah, blah, blah...." I don't consider them a friend or close friend.

Friendships can take time to build. Especially close friendships. I'm always (more so now) wary of people who try to be my best friend in a short amount of time or who run hot and cold. I have learned that sometimes you have to be the one to reach out and make contact first with certain people. I'm not good at that and I know that has caused me to be perceived as snobbish and reclusive.

Another weakness that may hold me back is the ability to remember people's names....they can have just introduced themselves and I will forget their name almost immediately!

I remember names, faces and oddly enough, voices.

Have you considered getting involved in community organizations? That's a great way to meet people and make friends. Working on a committee, you meet a wide variety of people that you are required to work closely with. I was involved in several community organizations (and school organizations) for several years. I met a lot of great people and made a few close friends.

[TheChemicals]

Ill be yor frend

[Danteloogi]

My problem is I just don't know where to meet new friends. I live in Utah right now and it seems that everybody 22 and up is married (and usually with children) so its hard for me to find people that aren't always busy. I get along with my coworkers who I spend 9 hours a day around, so that is nice. But outside of work, I have no idea where to go.

[anonymouslyadd]

Probably one of the greatest moves I've made in the past few years (other than joining here) was to become a member of Toastmasters International. I tell everyone here about my experiences with this organization, because it's been a wonderful place for me to increase my self-confidence.

At Toastmasters, we learn to speak and become leaders. The greatest thing about it is that we foster a safe environment. There is no ridiculing or putting down. We build each other up as we learn to face our fears and become better speakers.

When you join, you're given the competent communicator manual, which contains ten speeches. It took me a couple years to get through it, but I finished the manual, last summer. I've noticed a difference in my confidence, since then.

There's no doubt in my mind that Toastmasters has helped me become more comfortable with people. It's also a great way to be around a bunch of people. This is good for an ADDer, because it doesn't put a strain on our impaired executive functions. You don't have to look for people, in other words. They are already there.