Alcoholism

[kulaboy]

This has to be one of the best boards I've seen for ADD/OCD related subjects. I have some ADD but mostly OCD, and a whole lot of depression and addiction personality in me. I thought I'd post this because reading through some of the posts is kind of comforting and nice to relate to. I guess what it boils down to for me is I have a major drinking issue, and I'm quite aware of it and also out of control with it, at times. Maybe there's some other drinkers who'll relate and want to talk.

I don't have what I think is classic alcoholism, mine is typically, grab a bottle of hard liquor and some soda and come home and drink my self silly for the evening. That's six to seven days a week. It's just a need. Like coming home from work, there's the store, making a run for it. I grew up pretty middle class, only child for most of my years, moving around from home to home and city to city with my parents, nothing horrible like abuse or anything like that.. just something hit me around 22 or so (I'm 27) that caused me to start drinking. A lot. Like I can pound them down faster than anyone I have met and it's pretty scary at times. I guess what I like about ADD/related illnesses is that we all know that when there is something inside, we can't exactly stop those needs. Like I have had OCD-type issues since I was a kid and those come and go now and I know in my mind they're not what I should be doing, but I'll still want to do them.

It's like this hidden beast inside. We can have good intentions and still be good people, but whatever is inside, whether it be mental, hereditary, genetic, social or otherwise, it's hard to tame. I can stop drinking for days (although often with a lot of struggle) but then I think about how nice it is to be drunk. Part of me thinks, why struggle with this and just cave in and be drunk? But really, the clear thinking side of me hates the feeling of waking up in the morning hungover and bloated.. the weight gaining.. the social isolation I've led myself into, ruininig friendships, wrecking a terrific thing I had with a girlfriend. I'm not the sort who is AA-material. I feel quitting liquor is something I deal with when the time is right and then seek the help, and AA just isn't my kind of thing because I'd go, and then leave and go get a bottle or go out for a half dozen drinks at a bar. It's a mindset I suppose. Is anyone struggling with drinking now? Or in the past?

It's pretty hard talking about this because most people just say "stop" or "get help" but I think we all know it often comes from within you to want to stop. I did see a psychiatrist about depression and drinking and she was helpful but what can anyone really do except encourage. This is such a nasty thing to carry!

Maybe there really is a direct correlation between artist/writers and drinking after all.

William

[joanrdtobe]

William: Must say I appreciate your honesty with regard to this subject...it is one I know a little about...having grown up with ETOHism in my family....my dad has it....and so have been a member of alanon for many years.....so I have not struggled with drinking but I have watched my father struggle.....although he never admitted he has a problem.....

In your case, it sounds like to me that the alcohol has you in a pretty painful place.......as you talk about the consequences of the drinking....the social isolation, loss of friendships, etc...feeling hungover and bloated and weight gain....etc...

I have sat in a few A.A. rooms by the way....I understand that it's not for you right now....maybe someday it will be.....maybe the question is, do you need to deal with the inner beast or your demons first before you think about dealing with the drinking.....? OR is the drinking part of the inner beast? Probably only you can answer that.....I do appreciate your struggle William....addictions: they're tough....I once heard a good definition of an addiction: a pathological relationship to a substance with life-damaging consequences....

or never being able to get enough of what we don't want in the first place...

[Tara]

William it takes a lot of courage for you to post this. I commend you for doing so!

You are right there is no simple answer to stop drinking or abusing any other substance for that matter. Everybody is different. I think there has to be something that goes off inside of each of us to make us stop. It's hard to explain it but I think we each know what it is when it goes off.

Have you read the book The Link Bewtween ADD an ADDiction by Wendy Richardson?
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...=&threadid=191

It's a great book. It discusses why programs like AA sometimes don't work well for people with AD/HD. It also suggests ways to make AA work. Like not beating yourself up for getting to a meeting late or not feeling bad about not be able to sit through a whole meeting, etc.

There's a lot more to the book too.

We are all here to support you and I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to post.

i wish to echo what joan and tara said william.ive never struggled w/alcoholism but like joan its bigtime in my family.and theyve had a rough time w/it.like joan said due to lots of denial about having problem inthe first place.BUT youtalk openly and honestlyabout it and i giveyou lots of credit for that.hangin there william.it will all makesense soon.you willknow what todo.and when to do it.

[Lafnalot]

What I am about to say is not said in a mean spirit or anything even close to it. Its said from experience. Many times we call ourselves alcoholics and discuss our shortcomings and why we are terminally unique from the answer to cull from ourselves and others permission to continue. Self honesty is harder than honesty with others.

[joanrdtobe]

Oh man Crissy, did you hit a chord with me....I want to think I'm terminally unique....that is DIFFERENT from the rest....that I'm not a "garden variety" sugar addict....(that's my addiction)......as rationalization to use to keep me eating sugar.....

Self honesty? Yup, pretty hard for me especially when it comes to stuff I just don't want to look at....

[Lafnalot]

I often need to sit back and strip off my "I'm different" outift in a days time. I do it simply because Im not good at staying in pain. Hugs Joan, youre so cool.

[Swede]

William...the time will come when you know you MUST quit. For me it was when I was helping my daughter with an Indian Princess craft project that involved wood burning. As I followed the pencil outline on our totem pole piece she asked me "Daddy, why are your hands shaking?" I instantly knew that her future wellbeing rested in my shaking hands and I just had to quit. Quitting took a number of months but that one shakey moment was the epiphany.

Swede

[clueless]

Hey William,

I, too, appreciate your honesty and openess-- I think it's awesome that you are taking the first step towards helping yourself, which is thinking about your problem and talking about it. A lot of us here can relate-- I know I can. Right now I have almost 5 days clean. Doesn't sound too long ... believe me, it feels like forever.

I did the NA and AA thing for awhile, and it really didn't work for me, either. I couldn't get into the whole social thing-- I was too far gone. Maybe in the future I'll look into it, but right now I'm content to go to my on-campus support group once a week and therapy. I do recommend that you seek counseling if you haven't already. You'll need support in order to stay clean, and sometimes just having to tell somebody you screwed up is enough to keep you clean, believe me. If you have OCD, you're probably an over-achiever, and you hate letting yourself and others down. Just don't be too hard on yourself!

Somebody on this site posted something that I really think might help. It's kind of a scare tactic, but it worked for me, for now. Look at the brain scans of people who use alcohol compared to those with normal-- or even ADD-- brains at www.brainplace.com

Take care of yourself.
Best Wishes,
Julia

[Ian]

clueless you doood!.. Five days is great! Don't forget to post here, pm, or phone someone "before" going back.. ;^)
Stay cool guy..
Cheers! Ian... five days and then some.. < g >

[clueless]

Hey Ian! I will.....how long do you have clean?

Managed to stay away from my drinking buddies today *crosses fingers*....although they called me to see what i was up to. luckily, i can use work as an excuse (would be a good thing if i was actually DOING some work, wouldn't it.......hmmmmm....)

oh, and i'm a girlie .... Don't know if you knew that, hehe

[Arbuck]

Keep it up, girlie! I have been 20 years sober and it does get better. For me, the only downside is that, after I quit, I had to face the real me. That's the main reason I started drinking in the first place.

Don't rule out AA. 90 meetings in 90 days kept me accountable and kept me too busy to fall prey to the "drinking buddies". After you have put some distance between yourself and the bottle, you can begin to put some distance between yourself and the old buddies. As painful as it may seem now, they won't seem half as clever after you see them with sober eyes.

Hang in there. If you really feel the need to have one, stop in here and drop a message first. Won't taste as good but there's no hangover. Keep us informed on your progress.

[Ian]

clueless my dry date: March 26th 1990. Recently I have lost the primary requirement for membership. I have been very active in AA and have sponsered a few NA members.

The sober life was a painful thing in the beginning. Just like Arbuck says above.. being face to face with the real me made my first year hell. I was a weenie arsed little puke who thought he knew everything.. the come down was brutal.

The memories of that first year keep me focused quite well on the continuing task of developing a living humility that can lead to healthier happier things.

Unfortunately it's impossible for anyone to "sell" you on the merrits of the program but I promise you if the results sound of miricle perportions don't doubt it. It made it possible for me to join the world as an adult in stead of remaining a junenile boy.

I'd love to hear more of how your are making out. Good, Bad, Ugly.. never mind.. I'll be glad to have it all.

Cheers! Ian.

[clueless]

one year would be awesome, let alone fourteen years! that is so inspiring. -- I am seriously considering going back to NA or possibly even AA ... my social life is really non-existent right now, except for a few close friends that are questionably good ones-- they have a lot of their own issues, i guess. and it's hard to stay clean when you don't have people support. i had a good experience the last time i went, it's just i've gotten so that i'm quiet in social situations and it's hard for me to get close to people-- i wasn't like that before drugs at all, i was always really outgoing.

right now i'm not really in any danger of using-- i'm too depressed for that. using is something i do when i feel good. i couldn't even haul *** to the liquor store, even if i wanted to. i just feel kind of stuck. ironically enough, my family (whom I'm living with right now) is complaining that i'm "so hard to live with"-- when i was drinking they would tell me how good i was doing (because i was always happy and i hardly ever complained about anything). not a whole lot of support going there.

i really want to move out, but i don't have any money (i'm a full-time student).

i'm going to stop taking over william's thread now (sorry william!). but the next thing i have to say pertains to you, too ... my therapist told me that while you abuse substances your brain stops making endorphins altogether, and that after you quit using it takes a long time for your mind to start making them again. ..... so depression is to be expected.

i guess i'll just have to ride it out.

[Ian]

pm any time clueless. Post often, post long, post short.. but post before you use. Someone will be here to back you.

As far as meetings go. If you have the opportunity to check out a bunch of different meetings do so. Get to every one that is offered in your area to find one that really strikes you as "on". Then 90 days and 90 meetings work for many.

I hardly saw my family for the first year and I was a miserable SOB all the while. I too was a "happy drunk" but without some living skills and a good clear idea of who I was I could not come close to living comfortably in my own skin. It's come around somewhat. < g >

AA/NA are simple programs, but not easy. The trouble with the twelve step programs is that you actually have to work the program to have any movement. Get a sponser that scares the crap out of you. < g >

Please keep in touch and don't hesitate to start a new thread.

Cheers! Ian.