I need to change!!!!

[Fuzzy12]

I know, it's not as if that's a revelation but if I don't change now, when will I? I can't keep waiting forever for the perfect moment or till something gives. I won't hit rock bottom and I'm scared that I'll just spend the rest of my life like this, cruising along, being miserable and making everyone around me miserable as well. Well, unless I kill myself, which in the last few days didn't seem that far fetched and academic anymore.

If I can just manage one day to power through. I don't even have to be perfect, but if I can just make the perfect attempt, if that makes any sense? I can't go on like this and I know that except for anti depressants, there is nothing else that anyone will give me that might help. No performance enhancing drugs for me. I've been prescribed psychotherapy (though it might take a while to start) but if I don't do at least a little bit of work on myself, psychotherapy is going to be useless as well.

I'm doing ok today. I haven't gone back to bed so far (though I'm pretty tired) and I called the GP in the morning to make an appointment. I even went for a walk in the morning. Well, to be honest, I went to buy ciggies, but still I walked instead of driving. And I didn't buy any binge food, just some fruits and vegs. (Have been binge eating and purging every day this week. I know, stupid fuzzy. ) I've even taken an omega-3 supplement today.

I wonder if the change the anti-depressants is messing me up. I'm on a starting dose of the new AD now and probably need a higher dose. I think, this new AD is making me tired and maybe it's causing the extreme mood swings as well. Also, suicidal ideation is supposed to be a side effect though usually in adolescents. But then, considering that I've probably got the emotional maturity of a 12-year old, maybe it is just the AD's that are causing all these dark thoughts (trying to ignore that I've always had them to varying extents..but never this bad )

So, this is the plan for the rest of the day:

1. Work on my project: 2 hours

2. Vacuum clean

3. Work on my thesis: 2 hours

4. Laundry

5. Make a few calls

6. Cook dinner (unless we are going out)


Not too ambitious, isn't it? And I won't be anal about it and I'll allow myself plenty of smoking breaks. I think, even if I can just do one productive thing today, I'll feel better about myself.

[Abi]

Good luck Fuzz :>

[tudorose]

((((hugs))))

Sometimes it's easier to change one thing at a time. When you try to change everything at once it can be really overwhelming.

Maybe make a list of all the things you want to change and then work your way through.

If you're trying to give up ciggies that's going to be hard enough without trying to change everything else at the same time.

[purpleToes]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

?....I've been prescribed psychotherapy (though it might take a while to start) but if I don't do at least a little bit of work on myself, psychotherapy is going to be useless as well.

I'm doing ok today. I haven't gone back to bed so far (though I'm pretty tired) and I called the GP in the morning to make an appointment. I even went for a walk in the morning. Well, to be honest, I went to buy ciggies, but still I walked instead of driving. And I didn't buy any binge food, just some fruits and vegs. (Have been binge eating and purging every day this week. I know, stupid fuzzy. ) I've even taken an omega-3 supplement today.

I wonder if the change the anti-depressants is messing me up. I'm on a starting dose of the new AD now and probably need a higher dose. I think, this new AD is making me tired and maybe it's causing the extreme mood swings as well. Also, suicidal ideation is supposed to be a side effect though usually in adolescents. But then, considering that I've probably got the emotional maturity of a 12-year old, maybe it is just the AD's that are causing all these dark thoughts (trying to ignore that I've always had them to varying extents..but never this bad )

So, this is the plan for the rest of the day:

1. Work on my project: 2 hours

2. Vacuum clean

3. Work on my thesis: 2 hours

4. Laundry

5. Make a few calls

6. Cook dinner (unless we are going out)


Not too ambitious, isn't it? And I won't be anal about it and I'll allow myself plenty of smoking breaks. I think, even if I can just do one productive thing today, I'll feel better about myself.

Actually, it does sound pretty ambitious to me considering your current condition. I like that you're seeing even one productive thing as something worthwhile and deserving of feeling some satisfaction. I also like that you're externalizing some of the symptoms you're feeling lately. New medication might also be the cause of your insomnia.

Can I suggest you make the psychotherapy appointment before the weekend? I have a feeling you're struggling with that.

Edit: sorry, maybe I'm misunderstanding...you said it takes a while to start...are you on some kind of waiting list? How long is it expected to take? With active suicidal ideation, you're an urgent case - they probably have a priority for that.

[bADDad]

Fuzzy, I can feel your frustration, but want you to know your posts here have given me great perspective when I've been most needing it. Today you are low, but at least you have plans! Somedays I don't even get that far, even with meds!!

You are changed already. You just changed right now. Even just being awake to the feelings you are having is better than zoning out and disconnecting to get by. Keep at it and be gentle with yourself. I always find that old habits and coping mechanisms are easy to rely on because damn it they got you this far didn't they! Everyone finds change hard. We are creatures of habit.

New meds take time to adjust to, but if you don't think things are right (and trust your instincts) then call your doc and talk.

Your goals seem realistic. Go hard and good luck with all that reading!

You missed #7 on your list! - Treat self for just being so freakin' awesome at the end of day.

[stef]

You can do this!
you might not get ALL of those things done just today but this is great!

I haven't replied to your posts because i just don't have any answers....
I wanted to say, please keep in mind that in spite of the very difficult times you're going through you have been posting here and have given A LOT of kind, detailed and thoughtful advice. So when you're feeling bad, remember, you've probably helped someone, and more than you realize.

[purpleToes]

Stef's right, Fuzzy. I was always impressed by that, too.

[Ranmaru]

Yeah good luck.

Do you know WHY you need to change? What don't you have, that you need to get?

Health care?
School?
Job?

For me, I know I need to change and haven't. Yet, I'm taking small steps to get that change done. I'm sure you can get the foot in the door too.

Have I changed yet? No lol. But I'll keep trying. Be persistent.

This song helped me a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p25qhi35cY8

I also think making a list like you did can help. It helps to be able to visualize what I need to do, then I just have to look at it and breathe and go "Ok let's get this over with".

[CheekyMonkey]

Make a list, then try to get half of it done. I always make my lists way too ambitious and always end up feeling like a failure. Don't fall into that trap!

I would also put ENJOYABLE things on a list so you have something to works towards.

[fracturedstory]

Beside #1 and #3 seems like a regular Saturday to me. I usually keep busy so I don't end up hyperfocusing on the internet all day. And it does take your mind off things.

And yes AD did make me feel more tired when I started them.