Stuck in my own head

[Stevo_92]

Hey everyone, just wanted to see if anyone else feels like this or if it's just me. I found this on another website and I feel exactly the same, especially the last paragraph.

I feel disconnected from everything, unmotivated, CONSTANTLY anxious (which I didn't even realize until recently even though it has been going on for a long time), cut off from my senses (even the best music doesn't sound good to me anymore, and I don't want to make art), bored and muted, yet frightened, oblivious to my surroundings, unable to complete tasks, and the list goes on....

I have recently been diagnosed with severe ADHD because of my inability to focus. I really thought I would start getting better. But while my (high doses) of prescribed Adderall are sort of helping my anxiety (probably because they are raising my dopamine levels), I do not believe that ADHD is the root of my problems, but rather a symptom.

But I can't see what the CAUSE of all this is. It is a vicious cycle. It's all very confusing when I try to sort it out. Sort of like trying to decide "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" My inability to focus makes me think too much, which makes me not concentrate, which makes me anxious, which makes me in a bad mood, which is depressing, which makes me apathetic, which makes me try to analyze my problems, which makes me live in my head, ... So on and so forth.

Basically, I am living in my head, not seeing what is going on around me. I never feel like I'm doing anything that I am doing. I feel like I'm trying to get through stuff as fast as I can cause I'm always "waiting" for later, even though later never comes and I have nothing to wait for. This is so hard to explain, I can never write it down.

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD combined and got prescribed Vyvanse 20mg to start. It helped the first day or two (in combination with caffeine) but after that the anxiety was too much to cope with. I have basically been living in my head like this quote says, everything is kind of in 2d and unclear and my own thoughts are louder than everything else going on around me. However recently I've been able to break out of this at some points. Everything around me is really clear and I'm able to talk to people and actually look them in the eye and connect with them, otherwise I can't. It literally takes my full effort and concentration at points to remain in this kind of state. I'm thinking it might just be the anxiety trapping me in my head. I've started taking fish oil, L-theanine (really helps for a bit), and magnesium as well.

I just wanted to know if anyone else has this kind of problem because it's really debilitating.

[Slo-mo a-go-go]

yecchh, i know that feeling,
i feel your pain, i feel like that on my bad days.
but then i'll have my good 'normal' days, mostly bc of some novelty stimulating my brain or occasionally just out of the blue

when i'm stuck in my head in a bad way, it usually means i need to address some anxiety and depression. but even when i do, i'd still say i'm way more apathetic than your average person.

you right, it's a su--y situation but being on the best fitting stim med for me did wonders
but it twasn't a miracle drug either

[Asylum]

Is it dissassociation? You should really ask you doctor about it.

[Stevo_92]

Originally Posted by Asylum

Is it dissassociation? You should really ask you doctor about it.

I don't really think it's disassociation necessarily. I've felt this way my whole life, more or less depressed to some extent. I've always been good with computers, school and whatever other things I just have to use my brain and logic to finish. I've never been creative or really enjoyed anything I do except playing music.

I've recently just realized I don't really experience anything in life, I just kind of walk around thinking about different things, completely disconnected from reality.

Recently as I started to pull out of this at some points, I've been able to see everything going on around me and feel like I am a part of it, I actually feel a lot of emotion, I am outgoing and talkative, and I enjoy almost everything I do. However this doesn't really last that long, and I end up going back into that kind of default state.

I realized at some point that when I'm focusing like this, it feels like the front of my brain is working harder and kind of the middle of it is relaxing a lot more. Since I wrote that first post I found out about the six different types of ADHD and the limbic one sounds exactly like me, including the part about the different parts of the brain working. Does anyone have any experience dealing with this kind of thing?

Originally Posted by Slo-mo a-go-go

yecchh, i know that feeling,
i feel your pain, i feel like that on my bad days.
but then i'll have my good 'normal' days, mostly bc of some novelty stimulating my brain or occasionally just out of the blue

when i'm stuck in my head in a bad way, it usually means i need to address some anxiety and depression. but even when i do, i'd still say i'm way more apathetic than your average person.

you right, it's a su--y situation but being on the best fitting stim med for me did wonders
but it twasn't a miracle drug either

You're right, usually the better I feel during any time of the day, the easier it is to get out of my head. Out of curiosity, which stimulant works the best for you?

[Stevo_92]

Ya i'm definitely considering disassociation now. The more I relax my body and mind, the more I feel like I'm actually where I am and I don't feel like my eyes are the only thing I'm really in control of...

[Flip Side]

I can totally relate to you, especially this part:

My inability to focus makes me think too much, which makes me not concentrate, which makes me anxious, which makes me in a bad mood, which is depressing, which makes me apathetic, which makes me try to analyze my problems, which makes me live in my head, ... So on and so forth.

I haven't been formally diagnosed with ADHD-PI (though I have a strong suspect that I have it), but I've also been trying to find out what is the core cause of all of these problems. I think my possible ADHD-PI may of led to anxiety, living in my head, etc. Though I do have some good days where my mind is mostly clear and I don't have to deal with most of these problems.

[shamrock]

This is my life. I started a thread about it when I joined http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=116028

I have no idea whether this is

1 standard Add PI and I just like to vent about it more

2 severe Add PI

3 Sct+PI

I have given up trying to work out what sct is.Every time I think I have cracked it someone says something about it which throws me off again. I have/havent/have/havent Sct. Anyway I try not to feel too bad about it because the world experts dont really seem to know what it is either.

I actually looked at self deserting avoidant as a co morbidity at one stage but I eventually rejected that. Here is the description of it in case you are unfamiliar with it.

"Self-deserting avoidants combine the social (interpersonal) retreating of the avoidant with the ruminative (cognitive) self-devaluation of the depressive personality. These individuals immerse themselves in a surrogate fantasy existence to avoid the discomfort of having to relate to others. They are not, however, unaware of their use of these tactics (unless, for example, they are concurrently experiencing a major depressive episode with psychosis), and this makes them painfully aware of their perceived inadequacies. Fantasy gradually becomes less effective, and their thoughts center more and more on the misery of their lives and the anguish of past experiences. Waking dreams are displaced by painful ruminations.
Thus totally internalized, the feelings that motivated their initial withdrawal reverberate unremittingly. More and more, they cannot tolerate being themselves and seek to completely withdraw from their own conscious awareness, an existential abnegation of selfhood. Some become increasingly neglectful psychologically and physically, even to the point of neglecting basic hygiene. Some plunge into despair and are driven toward suicide, abandoning life as a means of ridding themselves of inner anguish and horror of their own identities. Others regress into a state of emotional numbness in which they are completely disconnected from themselves. In particularly severe cases, the structure of consciousness itself may split or fragment, leaving a regressive disorganization reminiscent of the schizotypal personality. As this process proceeds, selfdeserting avoidants become outside spectators, observing without the drama of their frightening transformation."

Other days I actually think I have early dementia its so bad.

So call it what you want but this is my single worst symptom and your quoted paragraph describes it well. Its hell.If they cured this I could do the rest. There are a few people on here who have it very very badly as well.

[425runner]

I have the same problem! "Living in my head" describes it perfectly. I have ADHD and exercise takes part of the hyperactivity so the rest of the day I'm ADD-PI and SCT. I've been unemployed for over a year now and find it harder and harder each day to get motivated and do something productive.

Meds can only do so much...and I have avoidant personality and get easily overwhelmed so instead of dealing with "stuff" I go take a nap or browse the forums.

I get bored easily and need time for myself, at lunch for example. This creates a lot of problems, because working for a small co. is out of the question. Big co. won't hire me cause my lack of steady employment and poor grades in college. I just don't know what to do about my life anymore......

[Stevo_92]

Originally Posted by shamrock

This is my life. I started a thread about it when I joined http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=116028

I have no idea whether this is

1 standard Add PI and I just like to vent about it more

2 severe Add PI

3 Sct+PI

I have given up trying to work out what sct is.Every time I think I have cracked it someone says something about it which throws me off again. I have/havent/have/havent Sct. Anyway I try not to feel too bad about it because the world experts dont really seem to know what it is either.

I actually looked at self deserting avoidant as a co morbidity at one stage but I eventually rejected that. Here is the description of it in case you are unfamiliar with it.

"Self-deserting avoidants combine the social (interpersonal) retreating of the avoidant with the ruminative (cognitive) self-devaluation of the depressive personality. These individuals immerse themselves in a surrogate fantasy existence to avoid the discomfort of having to relate to others. They are not, however, unaware of their use of these tactics (unless, for example, they are concurrently experiencing a major depressive episode with psychosis), and this makes them painfully aware of their perceived inadequacies. Fantasy gradually becomes less effective, and their thoughts center more and more on the misery of their lives and the anguish of past experiences. Waking dreams are displaced by painful ruminations.
Thus totally internalized, the feelings that motivated their initial withdrawal reverberate unremittingly. More and more, they cannot tolerate being themselves and seek to completely withdraw from their own conscious awareness, an existential abnegation of selfhood. Some become increasingly neglectful psychologically and physically, even to the point of neglecting basic hygiene. Some plunge into despair and are driven toward suicide, abandoning life as a means of ridding themselves of inner anguish and horror of their own identities. Others regress into a state of emotional numbness in which they are completely disconnected from themselves. In particularly severe cases, the structure of consciousness itself may split or fragment, leaving a regressive disorganization reminiscent of the schizotypal personality. As this process proceeds, selfdeserting avoidants become outside spectators, observing without the drama of their frightening transformation."

Other days I actually think I have early dementia its so bad.

So call it what you want but this is my single worst symptom and your quoted paragraph describes it well. Its hell.If they cured this I could do the rest. There are a few people on here who have it very very badly as well.

Wow I can totally relate to you in your first thread. I've always had to act my way through social situations and I've always wondered how people could socialize so naturally, without having to think through what they're going to say before they say it. I've always had to learn how to interact with other people by watching how oher people do it and kind of following along.

I always thought it was just because of my personality type (INTJ) that I was so awkward, then I was convinced it was ADHD-PI, and now I'm very convinced it's SCT as well. It's probably a combination from hell of all three.
The mental fog, the terrible memory, the extremely low energy and excitement levels...
It's starting to make more sense every day. Sounds like it's time to start experimenting in trying to find an effective treatment...

Getting HPPD hasn't helped with the mental fog or the anxiety either lol

[Drewbacca]

I live in my head. More so since I've gotten out of the military than before... so maybe there is something to this disassociation thing. I wouldn't really call it a fog (I experience a fog once in a while). It's more of a daydream. I don't tend to do it so long as I'm listening to talk radio or if I'm out with friends. When I'm on my own however, I quickly drift off into some mental space. I always have. My therapist says that i'm "intellectualizing" as a defense mechanism but it seems to be more than that... I can think for days on end without ever getting bored. I can always find something to think about and dwell ont. Putting thoughts down onto paper, not so much.

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by Stevo_92

I always thought it was just because of my personality type (INTJ) that I was so awkward, then I was convinced it was ADHD-PI, and now I'm very convinced it's SCT as well. It's probably a combination from hell of all three.
The mental fog, the terrible memory, the extremely low energy and excitement levels...
It's starting to make more sense every day. Sounds like it's time to start experimenting in trying to find an effective treatment...

I can always relate to the Myers-Brigg -NT- type. But, I'm not sure how the typing fits into a chicken-or-egg argument. Personality is shaped on how we react to a given environment which is at least party shaped by dealing with ADHD.

Personally, I don't think that SCT is a separate disorder. I think it is a symptom that is sometimes caused by ADHD in the susceptible population (ADHD-PI). I think that if I got better sleep at night and got my anxiety under control, that the SCT symptoms would go away. I feel like I had that part better under control at certain times in my past.

[fracturedstory]

I was going to reply 'I don't see a problem with this' because being in my head, alone with my thoughts is actually where all my highly motivating ideas come from.

I'm a goal orientated person except when I have depression and my ADHD does get in the way of being motivated to do things.

I was going to say anxiety, depression, depersonalisation or disassociation.

I've always had a level of depersonalisation but recently it's increased. I think it might be from the worsening of my sensory sensitivity. In fact they both got worse at the same time. I even get derealisation when I have too much sensory stress, they're like hallucinations but they mix in with the environment. Actually, it hasn't happened in a long time. I've been having too much anxiety. PTSD cured my dereals?

Depersonalisation is like not feeling connected to anyone or even feeling like you're in the world. I have this but I feel more connected to my cats and dog, so maybe it's just how I feel around people. I feel like an alien species, essentially. So I think that might be because I'm autistic plus the sensory processing disorder.

Then there's my epilepsy which can at times make me not feel the passing of time or not how I got from A to B. I know this is epilepsy because my step-mum has it.

[shamrock]

Originally Posted by Drewbacca

I wouldn't really call it a fog (I experience a fog once in a while). It's more of a daydream. I don't tend to do it so long as I'm listening to talk radio or if I'm out with friends. .

I cant turn it off at all unless Im in a highly stimulating/high adrenaline situation and then I might get a fifteen minute break. Other than that its all day every day.

I have had to attempt to divide my brain in two. One part deals with whatever is happening in reality as best I can and the other part continues with this relentless...whatever the heck it is.

[Slo-mo a-go-go]

yo-Stevo--to answer yr question, Adderall 60mg w/ dex 10mg kickstarter
[ Out of curiosity, which stimulant works the best for you? ]

[Stevo_92]

Originally Posted by Drewbacca

I can always relate to the Myers-Brigg -NT- type. But, I'm not sure how the typing fits into a chicken-or-egg argument. Personality is shaped on how we react to a given environment which is at least party shaped by dealing with ADHD.

Personally, I don't think that SCT is a separate disorder. I think it is a symptom that is sometimes caused by ADHD in the susceptible population (ADHD-PI). I think that if I got better sleep at night and got my anxiety under control, that the SCT symptoms would go away. I feel like I had that part better under control at certain times in my past.

I agree, I don't know if SCT is a disorder in itself, or its symptoms are caused by something else.

I definitely have depersonalization disorder, probably caused by anxiety. I've been trying to find different ways to ground myself and get out of my head and I found a pretty good grounding exercise that worked. If anything today should be the least likely day for it to work since I woke up pretty hungover and even more out of it than usual.

Here's what I found:

To conduct a visual grounding exercise, take a deep breath, and then start to mentally catalog the things you see around you. Notice even the mundane details (e.g., that electrical outlet is white, and is a little bit crooked).

It's very simple but it worked very well, and after walking around my house doing this for a few minutes I felt more grounded than ever and all the sct symptoms disappeared.

I'm starting to think that SCT may just be depersonalization disorder...
I've had every single trait of SCT for my whole life, including anxiety that I didn't even notice.
I went through my first 20 years of life being depersonalized but never realized it until I actually experienced what life feels like. Interesting...