Are you a people-pleaser?

[CheekyMonkey]

This other thread about taking on too much had me thinking about being a people-pleaser. I'm a people-pleaser.

I've noticed many others here are also people-pleasers,
often taking on too much and not being able to say no.
Many are in relationships in which they are constantly
trying to please the significant other at the cost of their own needs.

Is this just a personality thing? Is this an ADHD thing?
And if so, why are we like this?


Is it because we feel the need to compensate for our mistakes?
Are we just impulsive to get good feedback?

I also think it is interesting that I have difficulty making close friends
and probably don't care for people like an NT would.

Why, then, do I feel the need to please the very people I don't connect with. To make up for a lack of being social?


All thoughts and speculations are welcome. Feel free to answer the poll!

[BR549]

Yes, I am a people pleaser and I really wish that I wasn't.

I have a difficult time maintaining friendships. I also am too trusting and take people at face value---even when my gut instincts are telling me to "RUN"! I usually end up being used and taken advantage of. I mean, I ALWAYS know when someone is lying to me or playing games with me. I just can't help but somehow convince myself that this time it's different or that their "terrible past" is to blame and that their behavior isn't indicative of their true personality. How wrong I always am.

I always feel that I can "save" or "help" people. I truly want to, but I am learning that I can't save or help those who don't want my intervention. Besides, there are some people that, for one reason or another, simply can't be helped or saved. Those are the people that I am slowly learning to put in my "distant friend" box and gradually move away from.

I met a man a few weeks ago and we talk almost every day. Every time we talk or video chat he always tells me he likes to see me smile and loves my laugh. Even though I had no connection with him whatsoever, I found myself smiling and laughing more to please him. When I realized I was doing this, I immediately stopped and started to back away from him. It really bothered me that I was going out of my way in this situation and I began to wonder just how often I do that.

I asked my husband if I often go out of my way to please people that I don't particularly like or have things in common with. He answered a resounding "YES". Then he said "and I can never figure out WHY. You always try to help or befriend people who are nothing like you, who you have nothing in common with and who get you into trouble and are just bad news." Ouch. He's right though. I have this desire to be needed and to help. Even if my help isn't wanted.

More recently, I have given up trying to please people that I don't connect with or people that are using me as a intermission It's simply not worth my time and energy. I've adopted the moniker "Honey badger" and the motto. I keep reminding myself that "Honey Badger don't give a ****". I am pleased to say that I'm starting to think and feel that way with regards to certain people and situations that aren't healthy for me.

I think, in my case, my need to please people stems from not being able to please my parents and teachers. I found a way to fill the void left by their disapproval by being there for others and doing whatever I can to ensure that no one is unhappy and that I succeed in helping those people become better or achieve their goals, wants, needs and desires. Even if it means compromising my own beliefs, enduring pain and doing things that I swore I would NEVER EVER do to ensure that the other person succeeds and has what they want.

It's a constant struggle, but the good thing is that I now realize that I'm this way and I'm trying hard to make some changes.

[phantasm]

BR549 - We were cut from the same cloth sister! Glad to hear you are learning from your mistakes.

I am a people pleaser too and it's so fricken annoying to myself. In the past I have wasted so much time on people that really couldn't give a rip about our friendship, but I kept on. i can be real insecure when it comes to friends, so i hang on for dear life to make them happy. For what?? It's not to say that I don't have some great people in my life, but it would be so less stressful to "trim the fat" ya know. Hmmmmm

[anonymouslyadd]

I don't know what you're talking about CM.

I am a people-pleaser, and I don't like it. I think I've been like this my whole life. Maybe there are a couple things at work here.

First of all, it's easier for me to do things for others than it is for myself. I find it stimulating when I do something for someone. Another component could be the fact that many of us have been criticized so much we've become seekers of approval. Still another thought is that we don't have very high self-esteem, and I think helping people boosts self-esteem.

Good thread idea.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

I don't know what you're talking about CM.

I am a people-pleaser, and I don't like it. I think I've been like this my whole life. Maybe there are a couple things at work here.

First of all, it's easier for me to do things for others than it is for myself. I find it stimulating when I do something for someone. Another component could be the fact that many of us have been criticized so much we've become seekers of approval. Still another thought is that we don't have very high self-esteem, and I think helping people boosts self-esteem.

Good thread idea.

Yes! When I was a kid I would go to a friend's house and clean their room for them. (so weird, by the way) And my room would be a disaster and I just couldn't clean my own stuff!!!

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by CheekyMonkey

Yes! When I was a kid I would go to a friend's house and clean their room for them. (so weird, by the way) And my room would be a disaster and I just couldn't clean my own stuff!!!

When I was like six years old I would give this girl and her brother a few bucks. I used to like her. How awful and pathetic. I've never shared that before.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

When I was like six years old I would give this girl and her brother a few bucks. I used to like her. How awful and pathetic. I've never shared that before.

I would also give people things and do things for people to try to win them over. Maybe that is why I'm so cynical now. Manipulative people flocked to me like a moth to a flame.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by CheekyMonkey

I would also give people things and do things for people to try to win them over. Maybe that is why I'm so cynical now. Manipulative people flocked to me like a moth to a flame.

All this time, I felt like such an idiot. I'm not alone. I don't think think you're a cynical person though. You're an emoticon loving person.

[salleh]

Oh Lordy I hate to admit it .....cause I like to think of myself as being like Sarah ! ....f**k 'em if they don't like me ......but the unvarnished truth is that I have made some verrrrrrrrrry costly mistakes in my quest to be liked .....

when I inherited a pile of money , what did I do ? ....promptly took care of about 14 people over a 4 year period .....and talk about a waste of time and money ......these folks were just looking for a free ride , and I gave it to them .....went through many thousands of dollars that way ....

duh .....

ended up going through all of it in record time ...family scandal, one of the main reasons no one speaks to me ......

so my people pleasing cost me what was left of my family ......

is that screwed up or what .....

and that's just one story, I gotta million of them ....( oh big surpize there, Salleh has alot of stories !)

...I can't seem to stop that behavior .....but at least no one get money out of me any more, I don't have any left !

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

All this time, I felt like such an idiot. I'm not alone. I don't think think you're a cynical person though. You're an emoticon loving person.

I do love emoticons and wish I had more options here.

[Arei]

I would say somewhat. Usually I genuinely want to please people, but other times its just to make people stfu and leave me alone XD In the end I just want peace and tranquility for myself, so I don't know if that really counts as people pleasing... Though I do love making other people happy and doing for others, that is very rewarding in itself. ((I don't know if that exactly fits the stereotype XD))

[Drewbacca]

Just from my own experience, I think it's an ADHD thing...
I don't mean to screw up so much and I always feel like I'm trying to make it up to others.
I think that I'm too kind, if that's possible. I don't think my intentions are really unselfish in any way but are rather the result of a guilt which I recognize as unnecessary.

[Conman]

i typically like people feeling neutral or on good terms with me. but unless theyre a friend i wouldnt go out of my way to please them...unless it's a girl, friend or not that's a different story.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Conman

i typically like people feeling neutral or on good terms with me. but unless theyre a friend i wouldnt go out of my way to please them...unless it's a girl, friend or not that's a different story.

Duly noted.


Can I borrow 5 bucks?

[sarek]

I am a terrible people pleaser and got a bloody nose so often that I am trying to gradually learn not to do that so easily.
I went so far as to loan people money that I(of course) never got back. While many people are honest there are always some who really are looking for that free ride and over the years its made me much more wary and cynical about people's intentions.