My Dysfunctional Family

[anonymouslyadd]

My brother and I engaged in an argument over tickets to a baseball game I'm promoting. He's concerned about how my dad will get tickets, who my dad will sit with and how he will get home.

While we were arguing over these tickets, I was wondering why my brother was involving himself into the discussion of how my dad was going to go.

My brother feels like he doesn't want my dad to have to ask someone to sit with him. I feel like my dad is an adult and needs to handle this on his own.

This is not the first time my brother has spent time going overboard with my dad. Even ten years ago, he saw fit to ponder how he could keep my dad busy.

Part of the problem we were having was some of the conversation should have been for my dad to handle. I should have cut the call off sooner.

My dad is 76 years old but can get around relatively fine. He does have breathing issues, which make it difficult for him to stay in the heat too long. He has spent the past few days in the hospital (my brother got defensive and said something like "because he's dying").

However, I don't think it's too much to ask of my dad to reach out for help when he needs it. I don't think it's too much to expect that my dad will take care of how he will get home. I don't think it's too much to ask of my dad, who he will sit with. I don't think it's too much to ask of my dad to make sure he has a ticket.

I think my brother totally crosses the line with my dad, and my dad has problems, possibly a learning disorder, which he never sought help for. I think my brother hurts himself, when he takes responsibility for something his dad needs to handle.

My dad didn't get treated for depression a long time ago, and he's been a victim (self-inflicted) a good portion of his life. Maybe that's why my brother has the mindset he does. My brother lived with a guy who had untreated depression/learning disorder most of his life.

[anonymouslyadd]

What are your thoughts? I'm seeking validation, but if you think there's a better way of viewing this, I'm open to ideas.

[Verile]

My grandmother had a stroke when she was 60. My parents let her go out on her own afterwards. Few years later, she got run over by a train while carrying my baby cousin. They both died.

I actually agree with your brother. Your parents raised you, least you could do is look out for them in their twilight years. Especially at 76 I wonder if you're not overestimating his ability to take care of himself.

Of course, I don't know you or your family. But you did post this here for discussion.

[CheekyMonkey]

Do you think your brother is just worried about your dad and trying to make sure he is okay?


Most older people I know would rather be miserable than ask for help or for someone to accommodate them. The independence you lose with age is a difficult thing for most people to deal with. I've seen it with my grandparents, and now my own mom.

You know your dad best though, so I guess it depends on if he really will ask for help or not.

[Lillianmay]

Not really knowing anyone involved makes it hard to give a good answer. I think you feel your brother is over the top in watching over your dad, and you think your dad would be better off if he handled things more himself. The question for me is not how your dad ought to be functioning, but how is he functioning, because at 76 I don’t think he is going to make any great changes in his personality or coping skills.

I have a couple of learning disorders and sometime I just feel clueless – can’t grasp the conversation around me, not sure of what to do. It can be really scary. I hope I can learn to accommodate myself, but like a lot of things I do because of ADHD are not on purpose, so also my cluelessness is not on purpose.

I am not saying you are wrong – I wasn’t there. If your brother wants to watch out for your dad more than necessary, well that is between him and your dad. If your brother starts complaining about it to you, then you have a right to speak up. If he is worried about these things with your dad and you are not, then he can work them out and get a plan together between him and your dad. If you think your brother is over the top, keep it to yourself unless he is dragging you into the over the top preparations that you do not think are necessary. Then tell him since he is the one who is worried, he can deal with it.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by CheekyMonkey

Do you think your brother is just worried about your dad and trying to make sure he is okay?


Most older people I know would rather be miserable than ask for help or for someone to accommodate them. The independence you lose with age is a difficult thing for most people to deal with. I've seen it with my grandparents, and now my own mom.

You know your dad best though, so I guess it depends on if he really will ask for help or not.

It's certainly possible. When I mentioned asking for help, I'm talking about years and years ago. My dad was not old then. He was in his 40's. I'm talking about when he was getting a divorce. He was depressed.

I guess I have anger towards my dad for the mistakes he's made. He's in his current economic situation, because he's given his money away to my brother and I. He hasn't taken care of himself, and he's had to rely on a friend for years and years. I think he's been foolish.

It upsets me to see my dad in this state when he's done it to himself.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by Verile

I actually agree with your brother. Your parents raised you, least you could do is look out for them in their twilight years. Especially at 76 I wonder if you're not overestimating his ability to take care of himself.

We're not talking about climbing a mountain. My dad certainly has challenges to face. As far as I know, he has all of his mental faculties.

He can't ask a friend to go with him to a game? That's an overestimation?

[ginniebean]

Anony, Dad is 76 yrs old, he has cognitive issues, he's frail. He may no longer be able to do a lot of things.

He may not have a friend to go with him, at that age lots of times old friends are already gone.

I think your resentment is colouring the issue. Why not offer the tickets to your dad and ASK him if he has anyone to go with, if you want to do this nice thing for him, then either go with or get bro to.

Your dad won't be around much longer, and it's hard for older men to ask for help, I spent a lot of time giving my dad rides here and there, I worked so hard to just do so without complaint and with a cheerful heart a couple of times I did not manage that.

Now, I'm so glad I did, I know my dad was happy for his last summer. It means a lot to me now.

[anonymouslyadd]

Maybe your right.

However, my brother takes on way too much, and his own life has suffered. He's just like my dad in that respect. He doesn't take care of himself first.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

It's certainly possible. When I mentioned asking for help, I'm talking about years and years ago. My dad was not old then. He was in his 40's. I'm talking about when he was getting a divorce. He was depressed.

I guess I have anger towards my dad for the mistakes he's made. He's in his current economic situation, because he's given his money away to my brother and I. He hasn't taken care of himself, and he's had to rely on a friend for years and years. I think he's been foolish.

It upsets me to see my dad in this state when he's done it to himself.

I think your anger with him is the issue here?

Believe me, I understand being mad at a parent. If you are angry about how he has treated you and affected your life, and maybe your brother doesn't have the same views....I can see how that can divide you two.

I don't speak with my father. Even when he had a heart attack. My siblings have a different relationship with him, though. They might think I am cold hearted, but I know that they just are in a different place and I try to be understanding to that.

[Conman]

maybe your brother is paranoid that he may end up like the dad and is trying to find a way to control the situation so it can work out good for him in the end

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Conman

maybe your brother is paranoid that he may end up like the dad and is trying to find a way to control the situation so it can work out good for him in the end

Hm. You are smarter than I originally thought. Just teasin'


That is a really good point.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by CheekyMonkey

I think your anger with him is the issue here?

Believe me, I understand being mad at a parent. If you are angry about how he has treated you and affected your life, and maybe your brother doesn't have the same views....I can see how that can divide you two.

I don't speak with my father. Even when he had a heart attack. My siblings have a different relationship with him, though. They might think I am cold hearted, but I know that they just are in a different place and I try to be understanding to that.

I've never challenged my brother in this way. They're actually doing me a favor by going to the game. They don't have to.

My brother does see my dad in a better light, and I'm more independent than my brother is. In fact, I crave my mom, and my brother hates her. I wonder if we're opposite.

I try to stay away from my brother and dad, but I live right down the street.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by Conman

maybe your brother is paranoid that he may end up like the dad and is trying to find a way to control the situation so it can work out good for him in the end

I've never thought about it that way.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

I've never challenged my brother in this way. They're actually doing me a favor by going to the game. They don't have to.

My brother does see my dad in a better light, and I'm more independent than my brother is. In fact, I crave my mom, and my brother hates her. I wonder if we're opposite.

I try to stay away from my brother and dad, but I live right down the street.

Seems like you could be opposite. I wonder if he is resentful that you don't share the same feelings about your mom?

I can also wonder about how he feels that you live close, but choose to limit communication with both of them.