Another ruined day.(this is long) Therapy with the boyfriend

[EnergizerJen]

So. This is going to be a vent more than anything else and it's one sided. Female sided. So, I'm going to rant here.

I've been going to and participating in cognitive behavior and related therapy for about a month now. I was getting really depressed and stuck, which magnifies my adhd symptoms and I've been having a really hard time.

So, I see my therapist (who I really like) 2-3 times a week.

Once a week, my boyfriend comes in to participate and we are trying to work through some of our issues. I know that 80% of the "issue" is me, but he has crap too. He is VERY NT. I mean so NT, that it almost makes you sick. So, naturally he has a super hard time dealing with or even understanding my ADHD, let alone the comorbid disorders that I struggle with.

I realize I am no picnik. I was just diagnosed in April and I'm still trying to pull it together after a couple traumatic experiences this past year. Very traumatic if I'm being honest.

Here comes the BUT!....

You knew there would be one.

As willing as I am to sit there and discuss my issues and take accountability for my behavior and actions, he sits there all high-horsey and expects to not have to contribute unless it's to explain why I'm wrong.

I get that I don't always see things clearly, I'm child like in my behavior and thoughts, my time lines are messed up, and I have a big impulsive mouth. I do get it.

But my feelings are MY FEELINGS. I shouldn't have to change every aspect of my life for him when he won't give a little on his end.

I have been asking him to spend some time with me. Dedicated-uninterrupted-no kids-no telephone-something special and different TIME!

I want some of his dang time. Between work and the stupid kids, I can't seem to get his attention unless it's "make love" time. He consistently does special things and makes special time for the kids and I've been asking for over 2 months for him to do something with me.

He won't do it. I've become resentful of his children, I'm super lonely, and my depression is getting worse. Which in turn, makes all my other quirks worse.

He's a smart man who is intuitive enough to know when he hasn't spent enough time with his kids... So why the f.. can't he use that dumb brain of his to figure out he needs to do something special with me or I am going to pout and raise hell, be disagreeable, and resentful unless I get it?

That sounds snotty, I realize.. but why should I work through and commit myself to making so many changes for him if he can't even find the dang time to hang out with me?

I'm not freaking 70 years old. I'm 28. I want a life outside of housework and taking care of his kids.

I don't work, I don't have many friends (my fault too, I realize), but I'm not asking for this every night-or every week even... I just want him to go out of his way to be thoughtful and romantic and do something for me.


This is why I hate relationships. Any of them, platonic or sexual...

I always feel like I am giving - giving - giving...
And when I want something in return, it's impossible or ridiculous or unrealistic.

I feel like I care about people and things way more than others. Therefore, I set myself up to fail from the beginning.

It doesn't help I have no where to go and no job either.

I'm just feeling extremely low. I'm frustrated with this man to no end.

I love him, but I don't seem to matter very much.
Not enough for him to attempt at trying to make this work.

Every therapy appointment is a dam battle and the whole day is ruined.

He was SUPPOSED to spend the whole day with me today.....
I'll tell you how that went.

He got up.

Got on the phone with work bs for an hour.

Then sorted bills.

Then mowed the yard his damn son was supposed to do for the last week.

Went to therapy.

Chewed my ***.

Then after he promised me lunch and to go get a desk I wanted, he tells me his daughter called this morning and he's going to pick her up at school.

So-he's known since this morning that he was blowing me off, doesn't tell me and then hands me a shi+ sandwich in therapy..

What a super day.....

Thank you honey.

You're amazing.

I have no where to go and no money and no one to turn too.

I really thought he would have turned out differently.

Made more effort.

Just like everything else in my life, it falls apart, it's my fault and I'm screwed.

I think a lot of it has to do with adhd and related stuff, but I don't think I'm asking for too much.

I just wish ONE person would be there for me.

Not with monetarily, but physically there and not abandon me and make me feel two inches big.

Can I really be that bad?

It sure seems that way.

[ToneTone]

Hang in there. This sounds extremely frustrating, and even though this is all coming from you, the account here seems reasonably fair.

By the way, you aren't going to therapy for him. That doesn't work. It only works if you go for you!

Your therapy is your agenda, and the goal of it should not be to please him or make him happy. The goal is to develop you and your talents and abilities and to develop your ability to live each day fully and to live at the happiest level you can.

Keep the focus there! ... If you do that, then you will gradually strengthen yourself ... as you strengthen yourself, you'll have more of an idea of how to handle him or even to know if he's really worth handling and being with.

I can totally get how today was frustrating for you.

And if he's not responding right now, then who else can you call or talk to? ...

Good luck.

Tone

[Lunacie]

(((hugs)))

What does the therapist do when he comes over all judgmental?

Does the therapist re-word what you're saying so that he will hear and understand?

[EnergizerJen]

I sought out therapy for me. I really did.

I am really working on and through a lot of my issues. I'm implementing strategies and trying to regain control of my life.

It's just that I don't have anyone else and no where to go, so I'm stuck putting up with his crap.
My mental state has been so bad, I don't think I could hold a job if I wanted too.
Most days I struggle with brushing my teeth.

I am in school full time, online, but I'm really missing that laughter that comes deep from your belly. A happy and full life with giggles and interaction.

I have abandonment issues. I know I do.

I just can't seem to allow myself to get attached to anyone for this very reason.


I feel really helpless. and stuck.

I just don't know what to do.

It's incapacitating to the point of hazardous to my health.

[EnergizerJen]

My car has no gas. It's actually his car, his name is on it.

I have no friends.

He's mean. and controlling.

I just don't have it in me to go to a shelter.

I'm paralyzed with grief and anxiety.

I can't get past my thoughts long enough to get anything done.

I'm lonely and scared and all the negative energy and hateful things he does and says are taking it's toll.

He'll later come back and apologize, but once it's said-it sticks in my brain.

I know this is not me. That I deserve better.

But I'm so mentally incapacitated that I can't figure it out, or even contemplate my next step.

[bumblebe]

sounds like you wrote a story about ME. I know every exact thing you are talking about from the same experiences. It does suck when you are totally vulnerable to him, he pays all the bills, you live in his house, u wait for him to have time for you, and you comply to his idea of what a normal life is.

So hard. I can only speak from my own experience, but I didn't start getting better until I took some of that power back. Got my own place, my own money, and my own things that keep me tied up and busy.

Good luck. private IM me if you ever need a friend to vent to. Like I said I get it. You ARE a good person. Dont hold yourself back.

[EnergizerJen]

Appreciate that very much.

Thank you.

[Hyperman87]

Hey hang in there Jen. We all have S**t to deal with. Frustration is extremely hard to deal with when A person has ADHD cause normally we lack patience & when A NT lacks it with us.We fly off the handle.If he can not appreciate you for who you are & how you behave( medicated or un-medicated) though then you don't need em'

[ToneTone]

Are you sharing this level of seriousness with the therapist?

I ask because you say you don't know what to do ... Well, that's what therapy is for: to help us figure out what the heck to do when we're immobilized and stuck in a deep emotional hole.

I ask also because there was a time in college when I was in therapy and I didn't tell my therapist how desperate and depressed I was ... completely missed the point of therapy ...

So what are your therapist's ideas for getting your life on a better track?

Just asking to encourage you.

Tone

[Unmanagable]

(((((Hugs)))))

[Flia]

Think about these things:
What are the main things you do when you love someone?
Is he doing them?

What are the children learning from their dad?
That mom is stupid and it's ok to say so?
That mom does not deserve respect?
That they shouldn't treat women with respect?

What are you teaching your children?
That it's ok to let someone treat you like crap?

What are you doing to yourself?
Letting someone diminish you to an unworthy, loathable woman?

I've been there, and believe me when I say that being a single mom is nothing compared to being lonely within a relationship.

Read up on beaten women, and you'll see it's not unthinkable that you're heading that way.

[sarahsweets]

therapy is for you and your nt partner is along for the ride,

[EnergizerJen]

My therapist knows everything....

Even stuff I wouldn't really want anyone knowing.

She says I need to stay put for the time being.
I don't have a lot of other options.


I just hope I get something worked out soon.

They aren't even MY kids...
Their mom is an alcoholic and she's on her third trip to rehab this year!!

In my opinion, if you go three times in one year,,,, you probably don't want to stay sober.


I really shouldn't be resentful of the kids. I know that.

It's like one day he'll read about adhd, take a few bits away from what he read, and instead of using that to help us get better-he uses it as a dig..


I was hoping the therapy would help me regain some of my own independence and confidence that seems to be taken away at home and with other things that have happened recently.

I just cycle right back to a lot of the stuff I worked on and I don't know how to stop it.

It's like I'll have 4-6 good days... then it's all back to the world is ending.

I'm frustrated and I don't think I'll be taking him back to therapy. lol

[Flia]

I'm sorry to say that your therapist is wrong.
And yes, you may ask me how I know.

You will never get whole as long as you stay there. Believe me - you stand a much better chance living in a shelter. The loads you stay, the smaller you become.

And please don't have opinions about his ex. Most of all DON'T believe what he says about her, I can guarantee he's lying. She might have ADHD you know, self medicating with alcohol.

[sarahsweets]

sometimes therapy doesnt do it, sometimes you have to put your foot down and demand your needs. If he cant see them well....I'll leave that thought to you.