Eye Contact

[salleh]

....We've had threads about this before, but it's been awhile .....I spent the weekend before last at my usual antique show selling my vintage watches ...and I do a lot of talking about them ...


....Most people under 35 or so, have never owned a watch that you wind up .....so I do a lot of explaining about them /...and I thought ...I'll see about how much eye contact I make ...

....Jeesh, turns out ...almost none ....I get all weird feeling trying to make eye contact ...not sure exactly what it is or why ...but I think it's not a good thing ....

....I feel like I am trying to dig into someone's soul making eye contact....and it feels presumptuous ....and rude ....

....I have massive trouble making anything more than the briefest of eye contact....

[BR549]

Me too Salleh. It's the most uncomfortable thing for me to do.

My brother used to tell me that people who don't make eye contact when talking were lying. I have always been aware that I have difficulty making and maintaing eye contact so when he would say that, it always made me feel terrible because I wasn't ever lying.

I do try to work on it frequently. I still can't do it but for brief moments

[Zevispaz]

I have trouble with it too.

Most of my life I got away with it on social occasions by drawing in a sketch book and talking at the same time. At work I can get away with it by looking at a project and talking or drawing what I'm trying to explain. Mostly, I compensate by using my hands to make gestures and talk and look at them instead. Or if I have to be looking at someone I'll look at their nose bridge instead. It's close enough and no one ever catches on. I still come off as charming apparently, so I guess it works.

Honestly, I just get nervous when making eye contact, I don't know why. I think it's mostly because I feel like looking into my eyes they'll be able to read my thoughts, and then figure out when I'm spacing out on them.

I think the only person I make good eye contact with it my husband, that's it.

[Dja427]

I also have trouble with eye contact.

[Spacemaster]

I sometimes over-do the eye contact. I make such a conscious effort, that I stare right into the eyes, and people sort of get uncomfortable. Not always, but sometimes.

If I'm really nervous, that's when I have the trouble making eye contact.

When I have to interact with someone I have a crush on, I'm screwed. I can't even talk sensibly, just a lot of awkward stutters, and eyes darting all around. I turn into a total simpleton.

[Ipsofacto]

Eye contact is so interesting. I noticed the cultural difference in eye contact when I moved from the UK to the US. It was quite uncomfortable at first. I don't think I've been able to increase eye contact to anything like an American level despite trying.

Maybe as part of the ADHD deficits, use of eye contact tends to remain at an instinctive level, rather than conforming to the cultural norms.

[anonymouslyadd]

I struggle with eye contact.

[fracturedstory]

I'm a soul reader through eye contact too.

I've seen some stuff. Some real stuff.

I don't like to intrude into others secrets anymore so I keep my eyes straight down at my shoes, at clouds or the analogue clock on the wall. Huh, I wonder if it's a cuckoo clock. Do people still have those? Oh, guess I should try to listen to what the person is saying in front of me.

[LaMbaL]

Off-meds Ive recently even literally had trouble looking at someone for long when they were talking and I was listening. If I looked at their face too long, it just sort of started to blend in to the background, like my entire view was becoming two-dimensional.

But yeah, I always remind myself to look someone in the eyes on and off during conversations, but Im never sure at what point im making them uncomfortable. People dont stare eachother in the eyes fulltime during a conversation, right? Thats more of a lovers-thing. So then, how long/often is it proper to look someone in the eyes, and what percentage of the time do you look somewhere else?

Additionally, I need to look to nowhere at times, because if I start focussing on what Im seeing I will lose my train of thought.

[fracturedstory]

A few seconds on, a few seconds off.

It doesn't come naturally to me but I can do it if I consciously make myself do it.

Other times, I don't care as much.

I would rather explain something clearly than make perfect eye contact. I can't have it both ways. Very few people can appreciate an 18th century ceiling and chandelier like I can.

[rockydaydreamer]

I generally avoid eye contact with anyone I don't know, but if I get comfortable around people enough and they seem friendly, I might get a little too confident and butt into people's conversations.. then I get a little bashful.. lol

Even when not interacting with anyone, my eyes will wander everywhere and avoid people because I don't want them to think I'm staring at them.

[HighFunctioning]

I'm not an eye contact type of person.

Not making eye contact might be more common with visual thinkers as change in visual stimuli may distract one from one's own inner thinking processes. This is in addition to all the other reasons for not making eye contact.

I don't think I would do well as a defendant on Judge Judy.

[DvlsAdv0c8]

Originally Posted by HighFunctioning

Not making eye contact might be more common with visual thinkers as change in visual stimuli may distract one from one's own inner thinking processes. This is in addition to all the other reasons for not making eye contact.

I once took a class as part of a job-training program where the teacher discussed research that showed most people tend to aim their eyes in a particular direction when they were thinking. Very interesting stuff...

http://www.nlpu.com/Articles/artic14.htm

I don't think I would do well as a defendant on Judge Judy.

From that same research page:

Eye movements can also be used to determine how truthful or congruent a person is being. If a person is describing an event that he or she has witnessed or participated in, for instance, the person's eyes should move primarily to his or her left (if the person is right handed), indicating memory access. If the person looks up and to the right a lot, however, it is likely that the person is constructing or reconstructing some aspect of the experience he or she is describing. This may indicate that the person is either uncertain or being untruthful about what he or she is saying.

As for looking people in the eye, I tend to stare at job interviewers until they think I'm creepy and my eyes feel like they're bulging out. I'm surprised anyone has ever hired me.

[ADHDTigger]

Sal, I learned the whole "eye contact" thing young. I was lucky.

Stage training teaches you to focus "in the middle distance". Not far away as if you are searching, not close up as if you were examining something. The middle distance covers a ton of ground.

The beautiful thing is that, by using it as a focal point, I appear to be making eye contact all the time. The only one who knows I'm not is generally ME. I try to keep it that way.

I tend to wear polarized prescription sunglasses A LOT. As long as my face is pointed in the right direction, people assume I am looking directly at them. Doesn't work well indoors but I take what I can get.

When I am showing someone a piece of vintage jewelry, I tend to look at it as opposed to the person. I find that many people find this very acceptable. I take quick glances at the person as I'm speaking, but nothing more.

Look for a copy of John Elder Robison's "Look Me In The Eye!" John Elder has AS but eye contact is something that many ADHDers share with people with AS.

This isn't a weakness that you need to overcome. Rather it is just the way you are. Me too. Finding work-arounds that work for ME makes it less of a social stumbling block. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

[keliza]

I tend to make a lot of eye contact, so much so that I have been told that I'm intimidating to talk to because I make an unnerving amount of eye contact with the other person. I like it that way - it's harder for people to lie to me when I'm looking them straight in the eye. I can tell right away if someone is being dishonest, because their pattern of eye contact changes.

Not that all people who refuse to make eye contact are dishonest, I know that's not true. But if I'm talking to somebody who has been maintaining eye contact up to a point, then falters, it's a pretty good indicator that something is going on - they are usually either emotionally distraught, or lying. Very often all it takes is a raise of the eyebrows or tilting my head back a little to look at the person down my nose slightly, and their story changes. It works especially well with children, which I learned after years of nannying and working as a camp counselor. It also works pretty well on my clients at work, who will insist that they "didn't do anything" to the computer until I give them a lengthy stare-down... then all of a sudden it's, "Well, I might have spilled a glass of water near it a few days ago..." or "I might have streamed some TV shows right before I got the virus..." Uh huh. I thought so.

I find cultural and subcultural changes in eye contact to be particularly interesting. For example, in American culture, "white American" (WASP) subculture tends to expect that a person will make eye contact with them while answering a direct question. On the other hand, African American subculture tends to expect that you will not make direct eye contact while answering a question. It has nothing to do with honesty/dishonesty, it's just a pattern within a racial cultural group. This has been shown to contribute to racial tension, because white people misunderstand a lack of eye contact from African Americans as being indicative of dishonesty or disrespect, when it is not at all. I thought that was really interesting.