Being accepted

[tudorose]

Why does being accepted matter so much? I don't do stuff wrong socially and I have a wide circle of aquaintences but no real friends. I thought they were my friends but I realise now they're not and now I'm left thinking I have no friends. I'm not even sure what friendship even is supposed to look like.

I don't get why this bothers me so much. I can recognise it and talk about it at an intellectual level but I feel like I have the emotional processing abilities of a teenager.

I've been really off the rails this last week and I know it's coz I'm upset. I feel like I've been wasting my time trying to make people feel like they matter when they take advantage of me, leave me out and not show any respect.

I don't know why I care. Why does acceptance even matter? I thought I was better than this. I feel like the child left out in the playground.

[Blueranne]

Is it possible that you may be experiencing persecutory delusions? I mean no offence by asking that. I only wonder because I can relate to the feelings described in your post and I do suffer from them.

The definition of "persecutory delusions" is not as clear cut as you would think either. Often times its as simple as reading negative motivations or intentions into other peoples actions. The sad thing is that I respond to these "delusions" in a way that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way. I get offended. I become reclusive or stand-offish. People are perplexed by my behavior. I lose friend and potential friends.

In any case, I am very sorry you are feeling this way. I really do feel your pain. I also want to thank you for your recent posts because I know Im not the only one who can relate... ((( hugs )))

[avjgirsijdhtjhs]

Originally Posted by Blueranne

Is it possible that you may be experiencing persecutory delusions?

Reminded me of Fortune's "MMPI-2 online for free" thread. Not easy to interpret though. Plus that thread needs a bump for more people to see.

[-nyr0c-]

I feel like this is me as well when it comes to my friends. Like more than anything I want to be in close, tight-knit relationships just for the satisfaction that I could fully rely on another person to help me if I needed it, but I'd also want to do the same for them. But what seems to end up happening is that I have a bunch of people who think I'm "intruging" and like to hang out with me, but aren't really sure if they want to be a good friend of mine because I can be, like you said, reclusive and stand offish. Especially when I feel like I've been excluded from something, which isn't usually the case, I'm just overeacting most of the time and becoming unecessarily jealous.

I also tend to think of others in very self-centered way, which is so annoying and I just want to hit myself whenever I do it. I have thoughts like "What does this person think of me?" or "Is this person worth my time?" or "How does the way I act/talk affect this person's opinion of me?"

Each of those thoughts end with a me or my. I also tend to think that the whole world must have noticed when I did or said something awkward, or that everyone's eyes are on me if I'm telling a story. Or when I show even a little affection to someone, say a hug or holding somebodies hand, everyone is suddenly focused on me and me only. It's irritating, because it takes my attention away from the other person. I don't like feeling like all that attention is drawn to me, it makes me uncomfortable. But the really annoying thing is that the likelihood that any of those scenarios are true is pretty slim, and that I have to constantly remind myself that none of them are valid.

I wish the thoughts I had about people when I'm not around them were more present when I am around them. I think about people's good qualities when I am alone, about what's interesting and nice about them, instead of worrying what they think of me like I do when I'm around them. I always second guess myself in conversations; "What did they mean by that?", "I shouldn't have said that"

Maybe I'd enjoy spending more time with people if I didn't think so hard about it. I've been trying to be more relaxed, but there are times when I feel too relaxed, and the reality is I'm not relaxed enough. *facepalm* I confuse myself.

Oh look, I made that whole post about me, and not about you. Sorry Tudorose =/ my emotional processing sucks too. It's called "avoid your feelings."

[sarahsweets]

You are good. Not defective, unworthy, stupid or unlovable ....f**k non friends. You're waaayyyy better than them.

[Blueranne]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

You're waaayyyy better than them.

Im not too sure about that one... (speaking about myself)

[crystal8080]

As I'm getting my daughter ready for kindergarten, I am giving her simple advice.

"Be friendly, and you will make friends".

But really, we all know its not that simple. I have been going in circles my whole life with the friendship thing. For the last while I have felt like I have no friends, only acquaintances and no real connections to go further than that. My whole life I was friends with people who were best friends, I was never the one closest to anyone, always the third wheel. I don't have anyone who considers me their best friend.

Its so tough to say that. To admit that. And I go through those feelings of feeling inadequate, that no one likes me, that stupid song about eating worms lol. Kinda cheers me up in a weird way lol

"Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
Just because I eat worms

Short fat hairy ones
Long tall skinny ones
See how the little ones squirm

Bite all their heads off
Suck all the juice out
Throw the empty skins away

Nobody Likes me
Everybody hates me
Cos I eat worms all day'



Then I make an effort to be friendly only to realize they aren't worth my time. And somehow I feel like it was my fault. Its hard to fight the depression sometimes.

I wish you luck with it all, I know its hard, but hey we are here right?

[Unmanagable]

I feel the same way all too often. Questioning myself, my intent, other people's intentions, and working my way into inner emotional turmoil trying to figure them all out. Not feeling good enough, or worthy enough to be liked or accepted, etc.. I wish I could get back all of the energy I've spent on all of the above.

My experiences have helped me see that, personally, it mostly comes from a lack of nurturing and love and no real experiences with a healthy balance. I've also learned how important it is to remember that everyone has a story and that many folks who I perceive as confident, well-liked, having it all together, etc. are just as scared and uncertain as I am.

The only thing that brings me any relief is focusing more on accepting myself and my feelings; making time to be alone with my thoughts, but not focusing on a solution, just letting the thoughts be what they are and accepting them; and allowing myself to ask for help instead of sufferring in silence.

None of these things have necessarily become any easier to do, I'm just more aware of what works for me as I continue to try to build my "tool box" of ways to better manage the inner turmoil. Now if I could just remember where I put that damn tool box.

(((((Hugs)))))

[BR549]

Why does being accepted matter so much? I don't do stuff wrong socially and I have a wide circle of aquaintences but no real friends. I thought they were my friends but I realise now they're not and now I'm left thinking I have no friends. I'm not even sure what friendship even is supposed to look like.

I don't get why this bothers me so much. I can recognise it and talk about it at an intellectual level but I feel like I have the emotional processing abilities of a teenager.

This happened to me. Very recently actually. To invest time, energy and make yourself vulnerable to another person in the name of friendship and then to find it was all for naught or that you were the only one to put effort into being a friend is crushing. You put yourself out there only to find that it's not reciprocal.

I've been really off the rails this last week and I know it's coz I'm upset. I feel like I've been wasting my time trying to make people feel like they matter when they take advantage of me, leave me out and not show any respect.

This reminds of the quote "don't make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs." Easier said than done, I realize. It's hard sometimes to determine if someone has made us an option. Many times it takes a while for this to be revealed and then we've already laid ourselves out there.

I don't know why I care. Why does acceptance even matter? I thought I was better than this. I feel like the child left out in the playground.

We all want to be needed, liked, wanted and accepted. We are social creatures. We like to and seek to connect to others and interact with others on a deeper personal level. I think friendships give us that opportunity.

I also think that when we are shunned and pushed away it makes us feel that we are not worthy of that persons time or attention or anyone's for that matter. It affects our self esteem and causes us to doubt our worth. We are not good enough for them. We are not good enough for anyone. When in reality, we are good enough, we just didn't connect with them like we wanted and hoped.

Tudor and Blue, you ARE worthy and you do matter. You are truly remarkable people.

[Blueranne]

Originally Posted by BR549

don't make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs.

This stood out to me so I am quoting because I like it.

Edit: as I think about this quote I keep going back to these "delusions" I expirience... I cant trust my own preceptions most of the time.

****!!! Socializing sucks!

[Conman]

i had friends when i was little. now i have few despite 800something on facebook. i dont have many friends who try to make time to hang out with me, im usually trying to start **** and theyre busy, elsewhere, or i have to pay to chill (like my metalhead friends all are in bands and i cant hang out with them much outside of the venues since they all work and are practicing/recording and whatnot).

no matter what society you live in, depending on certain customs and beliefs, being accepted is important. it's better to be part of a group than to do your own thing or be seen as a loner. probably some evolutionary thing about groups surviving and loners not or something like that. im pretty accepted, although at college it's a little harder outside of partylife to feel accepted since in classes and whatnot we're just a group of faces for the first couple of weeks

[ginniebean]

I could have written every last post in this thread, I wish I had some answers, I like to think of myself as good friend material, but the evidence in my life indicates otherwise. It is a confusing mess, and yeah it feels so creepily adolescent that, I alternate between disgust with myself for concerning myself with it, self loathing for being lonely.. Etc..

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by Blueranne

Im not too sure about that one... (speaking about myself)

Well, I like you!

[Blueranne]

I like you too Bean....

[Rebelyell]

I have felt like the left out school kid my whole life,when I was a kid I was left out alot,wasnt imaging it Like people told me and at work Im bullied and left out,too many stories too long to tell but its like WHY?What did I ever do so wrong?Usually what helps me is either praying ,helping some one else or going for a ride in my convertible or on my bike and thinking the smile I have is priceless besides the way I feel and the ******** that left me out dont have either a bike nor a drop top ride.