Why is small talk so hard??

[SquarePeg]

Hi, I know this topic has been discussed recently but I am new to this and need to break down my symptoms one by one and find out how others are affected, otherwise I find myself so overwhelmed by how non functioning really am, is slowly dawning on me little by little.

Anyway I am the square peg trying to fit in the round hole of life but have never really knew why.

I have realised that I can´t do small talk for a number of reasons.


I am very unobservant when it comes to appearance, I don´t recognise people that I may have spoken to a few days previous, so I can completely blank them. To me it´s like telling the difference between sheep. I´m not joking to me more or less everyone is the same age, weight, height eye and hair colour etc, only the striking people stand out.

When I was 16 years old I met a guy and we spoke 3 times. It was only the third time that I realised he had a hand missing. No he wasn´t wearing a realistic prosthetic hand it was and out an out big metal hook!! and I never noticed.

I don´t even know what colour eyes my husband and kids have!!

Because I´m not good at the hi, how are you small stuff, I find myself avoiding people so I don´t have to do it. I know I come across as stand offish, stuck up, and intimidating etc. I used to avoid colleagues as well because of this. I also have a brusque manner, a bit impulsive, just say what I´m thinking, no edit button and I can upset grown men with simple comments. I suppose I just dive straight in and say what´s on my mind.

However I can talk in depth with strangers about stuff I´m interested in, even if I know nothing of the subject I can ask interesting questions.

I am good however at "seeing" peoples´hidden securities, all those things they try to hide stand out very clearly. So I see personalities, traits, character, hidden depths but not physical stuff.

I do remember better the odd quirky people!!! I wonder why

[Beekeeper]

Shoot, I thought I was the only one who couldn't remember people. I NEED to remember people for work, too, so it makes it super tough. I try to find a feature to focus on to make them memorable.

And small talk? Good grief. I'm always thinking, "Get to the point already!!!"

[Lunacie]

Because it isn't very stimulating.

[rockydaydreamer]

I have the same problem.. not sure if it's ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, or a weird mix of all of 'em.
Heck, sometimes people pass by and I don't even know what gender they are because my attention isn't focused on them.

[Cranski]

I used to blank on names, I guess the 'behavior' method I put into it was finding something to associate the name with a rhyme or item. The more I process it the easier it is to
remember.

Albeit this can also make you look a bit off if you have weird facial movements while
off in my mind. I've gotten better at looking like I'm paying attention while linking their
name to something.

I deplore small talk.... The best I got is ask crappy questions and eventually they will rant a bit or I'm going to do a lot of talking if we keep conversing. I do scare some people off though... That isn't always a bad thing.

After talking to someone about eye color around ten times I usually remember. For a while at least.

We really should get a t-shirt or button to wear for people as a warning.

[peripatetic]

for me, i'd say it's tough because i can't always tell what's posturing and what's actually being asked.

how's you?

they don't ACTUALLY want to know. you konw? and oftentimes...i don't give a **** so i won't ask about....what your baby's doing or whatever...like, if i don't ACTUALLY want to know...it doesn't occur to me to ask. but then it's rude not to ask...even though it's socially awkward to actually respond truthfully. it's just kinda bizarre.

then there's the whole "small" aspect of small talk. you're supposed to keep it light i guess. but then you're also supposed to stay on topic. it's hard for me to both be flip and keep on topic...because if it doesn't matter, then why's the topic so important?

anyway, that's my take on why i'm not great at it...though i can usually extricate self from it ...not entirely gracefully...but better than when i was younger.

EDIT: qwith the appearances: i'm actually rather observant sometimes...but to my detriment. i'll observe someone's got something on his/her face and be like....you got somethin on your face. hmmm...i don't think that's what you meant though. mine's more an impulsivity problem there....though i do tend to neglect the obvious simultaneously.

[Slapstick]

I'm observant on select things.

I can go to the city for a day, and come back and have an idea that I saw about 5 people wearing White Sox hats, 2 people wearing Cubs hats, about 3 or 4 Bears hats, etc., etc.

Completely trivial and useless information.

On the other hand, I was watching my parent's house last week while they were on vacation. The neighbor next store put up a new fence around his backyard. I was cutting grass, and had to clean up the clumps of dirt that the fences installers left behind. That night when speaking to my father, he asked me how tall the fence was. I froze... I had absolutely zero idea. When he asked "well was it the same height as you, about a foot taller," I couldn't answer. I had no idea.

[Slapstick]

A conversation takes a lot of effort, especially when it is baseless and just shooting the breeze. You have to be on your toes because you're not sure where it is going to head, or how much longer you have to wait until the conversation slows a bit, and the perfect out arises where you can escape.

If it takes us a bit longer to process incoming information, while also having to ensure what is coming out of our mouths makes sense (more processing). Our brains tire faster the sustained effort, so we get worn out real easily. I feel like I'm on trial, even if the small talk/conversation is friendly or at least cordial.

[SquarePeg]

For the first time in my life I am living in a small Spanish village where small talk is important. You can´t enter into a shop without saying hello to whoever is on the shop, whether you have ever seen them in your life or not.

I have to say I am quite enjoying being part of a community. My husband recently served in Afghanistan and of course, word gets around the village and so many people I had never spoken to kept coming to me with little words of support and offering a helping hand should I need it. I kinda felt special and a bit of a fraud.

My friends have forced me to be more social as i was a becoming a hermit, and I am actually enjoying it but I would like to learn to make small talk and actually remember people.

One lady was introduced to me as "Celia" and me and my friends immediately said "Cecilia, your breaking my heart" (Simon and garfunkel). Luckily she found it funny and I actually remember her name for a whole three weeks!!

[peripatetic]

ah, well in that case, i think it'll come down to making people a "habit" of sorts. you can also dodge the name thing most times if that really trips you up. i have a couple of people who know i suck with names, so they'll pop in with self introductions if i hesitate (because they know my hesitation is the result of neglecting their name). the other thing is i just work around it ...like...i might not remember someone's name...but i'll remember seeing him/her at some location and reference that.

as much as it's something where i have to build people into my life in a habitual fashion...i find they have to build me in as well...i understand there's a language difference and cultural one as well...but having lived in various situations abroad, i've found that communities can be really accommodating of these bits if people know that when you are engaging them it comes from a warm and sincere place

[rockydaydreamer]

Funny how I replied to this thread and said nothing about small talk

I find it difficult to do small talk because I usually find it uninteresting... and it doesn't make it any more interesting when my life isn't particularly interesting either.

For example if someone asked how my weekends, I feel like muttering "uhh, the same as every weekend, who cares?"... but I just say "ok". I don't celebrate holidays, so it's even weirder if someone asks how my [insert holiday here] was.... lol

Now that's not to say I won't butt into conversations or just randomly start talking without any proper introduction like "oh hi"... yeah, I'm that awkward sometimes.

I'm usually more open to say hi to someone I know or seems friendly, but if I don't know someone well, I may notice their presence, but I'm too shy to look at them.

[SquarePeg]

rockydaydreamer. when someone asks how my weekend was, truth is that I can never remember. I usually end up saying that it can´t have been exciting because I don´t remember.

[rockydaydreamer]

Well if someone asked specifically WHAT I did last weekend and how THAT was, I probably wouldn't remember (because it's often alot of the same thing).

However, I figure that if nothing really bad happened, then my weekend was "ok".

[Cranski]

Originally Posted by rockydaydreamer

Well if someone asked specifically WHAT I did last weekend and how THAT was, I probably wouldn't remember (because it's often alot of the same thing).

However, I figure that if nothing really bad happened, then my weekend was "ok".

Haha I totally don't remember where I got this from but it was the same question a guy asked on a tv show or in a movie. The answer was "Details, you gotta give every little detail, girls love that stuff."

I tried it with my ex once... She loved to ask "so what did you do today."

"Oh, well first I had to stop at the gas station. You know they one over on so and so road. Yeah it wasn't very busy so it didn't take to long. It was like blah blah a gallon though. I offered my first born but they didn't seem interested. Their pump is so slow though, took forever to get just blah amount of gas." .... I got about a minute or two in the she just looked at me and said "Shut up, smarta%$."

YMMV.


"Edit"... That is in no way why 'ex' applies. She did think it was amusing though.

[rockydaydreamer]

Originally Posted by Cranski

Haha I totally don't remember where I got this from but it was the same question a guy asked on a tv show or in a movie. The answer was "Details, you gotta give every little detail, girls love that stuff."

I tried it with my ex once... She loved to ask "so what did you do today."

"Oh, well first I had to stop at the gas station. You know they one over on so and so road. Yeah it wasn't very busy so it didn't take to long. It was like blah blah a gallon though. I offered my first born but they didn't seem interested. Their pump is so slow though, took forever to get just blah amount of gas." .... I got about a minute or two in the she just looked at me and said "Shut up, smarta%$."

YMMV.


"Edit"... That is in no way why 'ex' applies. She did think it was amusing though.

Haha

That reminds me of a facebook friend, who like me, rarely ever makes a status update. One day he posted "just updated my status" and got a similar response like you did "...smart@$$"..

I did something similar too, I posted [Insert catchy status update here]