How do you approach positivity or at least acceptance?

[Fortune]

Personal Request: Please do not turn this into an argument about whether ADHD is or is not a gift, and please do not argue with other people's descriptions of their own perspectives. Please try to keep statements about yourself ("I" statements) rather than about other people ("you" statements). I know I suck at all of these things at times, so I'm not saying I won't be tempted. But I would rather this be about how people cope, not a dissection of how a particular person or group of people may be doing it wrong. If someone posts that they see ADHD as a gift, let it go. If someone posts that they do not see ADHD as a gift, let it go.



How do people do this?

For me, a big help in not falling apart over this stuff is understanding the cause, and knowing that these things don't happen because I secretly want to sabotage myself. I understand that I have a logical, rational explanation for my behaviors, failures, and catastrophes over the years. I know longer hate myself and spend all of my time thinking about either suicide or regrets over everything I managed to do wrong.

This understanding is vital to me, because my personal history is riddled with lost jobs, dropping out from high school and college, difficulties with relationships, etc. If my ADHD is a gift, then what explains so many of these things that have gone wrong?

So, the key to moving on and shedding a lot of this metaphorical dead weight was the ability to forgive myself for the damage I'd caused to myself over the years. It doesn't mean I didn't do those things or that I am not responsible for doing those things. It means I understand why those things happened, as they had left me confused, depressed, and outright suicidal when I tried to understand them and spent far too much time thinking of all the ways I could have done those things differently.

This isn't really so much about positivity for me as it is about self acceptance. I talk about the problems I've had here, but I'm not wallowing in self pity or playing the victim. I try to describe these things accurately, and it's frustrating that particular emotions get assigned to them when those emotions couldn't be further from my actual purpose. My actual purpose is to be understood and taken seriously, and maybe something I write will help others who have had similar experiences find some peace with those experiences as well.

[Beekeeper]

Like Fortune, having an answer to all those questions of why (why can't I accomplish the smallest things, why do I seem to self destruct, why does it come off like I don't care when I really do) helped a ton. I'm not lazy, or unmotivated, etc.. I have a disorder that causes me to act as I am. Now, I know that I need to find ways to cope with the disorder. I'm working on that.

I'm fun, sweet, caring and really smart. I also happen to have a disorder that makes me look like an a*****e at times. I can live with that. I can accept that. Because I know what it is, I can deal with it accordingly.

[Fuzzy12]

i don't know fortune. i can be positive but acceptance? Never. How do you even start accepting something that all your life you have believed is wrong? I mean i. Me. I struggle with acceptance. I agree that understanding the reasons behind why i act the way i do and why i have maDe certain decisions definitely helps but it doesn't change what I've done or the consequences of my actions. I still blame myself when i screw up. You'd have thought by not I'd have gotten used to screwing up but it still comes as a big shock. Every time. Not a surprise but that almost makes it worse. The worst is the accumulation of a lifetime of mistakes. I've made so many mistakes that every tiny little fault now seems like one too many. I think adhd or not many of us have been taught from early age on to take responsibility. To own our mistakes. It's difficult to get over that kind of thinking even though now i know that in a way I'm programmed to mess up. I just wasn't Born with the tools to not mess up so much.

But understanding and educating yourself does help. I remember how i felt when i first suspected i might have adhd. It was a weight off my shoulders. All my life it had been driving me crazy that not only did i mess up so much but i just couldn't understand why i messed up so much. And why i made the same mistakes over and over again. Knowingly Sometimes. I was so scared that i was losing my mind. Terrified really. Since i had no clue what might be wrong with me i didn't know the extent of the damage in me and i didn't know what else to expect. Anything seemed possible. I knew that i had a huge problem with self control but i didn't know the extent. And i used to worry about all the things i might hypothetically be capable of if i lacked self control. I used to worry about becoming psychotic some day. Getting hallucinations and delusions. Anyway i digress.

I guess all i an try to do is the best with what i have but if my executive function is impaired then optimizing my existing resources isn't the easiest thing to do. So maybe acceptance of my limitations and capability to screw up is the only solution. But i can't accept it. I don't want to live like this. I want to believe that i can change and that maybe some day i can be somebody i like.

'm sorry fortune. I'm just blabbering and this probabl doesn't make much sense. I'll try to gather my thoughts after I've got some sleep.

[MX2012]

Hi Fuzzy:

I want to believe that i can change and that maybe some day i can be somebody i like.

I, too, want to believe that I can change and I think I have over the years. It was incremental and to others I don't appear as if I have changed. But, I have but not as much as I wished.

Fuzzy, most of the world's overt and covert messages suggest that we aren't good enough. Ignore those messages. Along with that, a little talk therapy might help you explore some of the reasons you don't like yourself, ADD/HD aside. I know I practice positive thinking and, for me, it works.

Every human being has value.

[hanikamiya]

"What has happened, stays happened"

It's hard for me to accept that. It's hard for me to accept that I suffered from depression for a decade because my GP said my thyroid levels were still normal, when I wanted to have them checked. Thinking of the pain it caused me hurts. Thinking of how much I learnt not to trust my own judgment, and how I also learnt not to trust other people's judgment hurts.
Even now, after having made the experience of me without supplement hormones, and me with supplement hormones, I feel like a liar when I tell other people I used to suffer from hypothyroid depression.

That's because I try to avoid the pain that comes with actually remembering what happened, because I always have this alternative dream-past available which I would have wanted, think I deserve to have had.

Only, it's not real. And I can see how I incapacitate myself with my lack of trust in my own judgment, with my avoidance of pain that does not even need to exist anymore.

With my ADD-like traits it's the same, only worse because I don't have any official statement that they actually exist.

The positive stage will be when I actually learn to trust myself again. And to trust myself to find other people whom I can trust. Dealing with my idiosyncrasies and the pain I had will still be hard, but I really want to reach a point at which I feel that I am not incapactated by them the way I currently am.

[Rebelyell]

I am somebody I have come to like,it hasnt been easy took many many years and then sometimes I wonder if I have gotten there at all when I have my down days,one thing doesnt look right or I dont feel right and I get back into self loathing.Ive gotten to the point you either like me or ya dont,which is fine w me and my attitude is ya can keep it moving too.

[Flory]

me and adhd is a love hate thing...whilst i am not my disorder...much of my disorder blurs into my personality(sorry to all the nt'ers past and present that i have been an utterly annoying sh*t too)....ADHD has *****ed my life, conversely i feel like my only way of coping with this is to just say 'ok...i have this problem as well as my comorbids, i can either mope around and wish to be NT or, embrace myself as i am', you guys have seen the battles i go through with myself about feeling unworthy, horrible no hope etc so i cant atest to how it might feel like to have this attitude every day however being on addf, getting all of the help i need, self assurance, surrounding myself with people that get me and other adhd'ers/alternatives/nd's makes me feel able to be the me that i am comfortable with and the me that i love...and its certainly a start...i can't stress this enough

[Fortune]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

'm sorry fortune. I'm just blabbering and this probabl doesn't make much sense. I'll try to gather my thoughts after I've got some sleep.

It makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

[Zevispaz]

I stay positive by not just not thinking about it. I have ADHD but that's not who I am, and it's not what I am defined by. If I can take a pill to manage the symptoms when I need them to be managed, then it's not really worth the worry.

Although, I don't feel like I've really accepted it either. I still can't bring myself to tell anyone outside of 3 people. My parents and siblings don't even know I've been diagnosed yet. I can't bring myself to tell anyone that I need a pill to get a break from feeling like I'm swimming against the river current everyday.

I sort of feel like taking a pill for it is like giving up, instead of fighting it out on my own. Like I failed because I just didn't try hard enough, or listen to louder music to focus on work, or force myself to just stop procrastinating, or grow up and get over stupid insecurities like you're suppose to do as an adult. But taking meds helps me out so much, and my life is better because of it. I dunno. I have mixed feelings about it.

Like I said, I try not to think about it too much.

[Geno]

I've accepted it the day I found out what ADHD was. I'm not positive about it, I don't see any good in it at ALL, whatsoever. It's hard to be positive about something that hasn't benefited you even once in 19 years. The closest thing I can find to a positive aspect is that it could be worse, I could have cancer or ALS or something.

[Fortune]

Originally Posted by Geno

I've accepted it the day I found out what ADHD was. I'm not positive about it, I don't see any good in it at ALL, whatsoever. It's hard to be positive about something that hasn't benefited you even once in 19 years. The closest thing I can find to a positive aspect is that it could be worse, I could have cancer or ALS or something.

I didn't find anything good about having ADHD either. I found some good in knowing I had it.

[Geno]

Originally Posted by Fortune

I didn't find anything good about having ADHD either. I found some good in knowing I had it.

My thoughts exactly!

[ana futura]

I do think many of my ADHD behaviors are ultimately very harmful, but I also see a lot of positives. Like Flory, I can not separate my personality from my ADHD.

I wouldn't be me, or have the life I have, without ADHD. Now, a lot of my life sucks, but there are some things I like about it. Many of the things I like seem related to ADHD behaviors- like I moved across the country 10 years ago and have traveled all over by myself, because of my restlessness. I also thinks it makes me happy-go-lucky and care-free. I really don't want to grow up, and my ADHD won't let me. I like that about me, and I don't want that to change.

I have to think about and accept the negatives, because I need to learn to manage them. But I also try very hard to recognize the positives when I see them. I think this attitude is good for me, when I learn to see the good and bad as two sides of the same coin, I feel better about myself and my diagnosis. If I think of myself as "disordered" and attribute only my negative traits to my ADHD, I kind of turn into an introspective mess, obsessed with how much my life sucks.

[mctavish23]

My personal battles, both with myself and with the world around me, have been so

difficult and challenging, that I somehow developed my own approach as a child, in

which I compete with myself. The end result, at age 62, is that I KNOW MY WORK IS

EXCELLENT, because I SET MY OWN STANDARDS, which are MUCH HIGHER than others.

Therefore, when I MEET MY OWN STANDARDS, I KNOW I've blown everything else away.

The driving force is my (still) never ending passion to ALWAYS DO THE BEST I CAN DO.

That also encompasses a SENSE OF GRATITUDE for my NATURAL TALENTS & ABILIITIES,

and a sense of RESPONSIBILITY TO USE THEM TO ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING.

I don't mean that to come across as melodramatic, because quite frankly, the FORUM is

probably the ONLY place I feel comfortable enough to even discuss this at all.

Excellent question though, so THANKS.

tc

mctavish23

(Robert)

[MentalNomad]

The simple answer is most days I try not to think about it. Strangely enough, I have a regimen everyday that I believe helps boost my attention and memory, it's an ingrained habit so I don't really think about what these things are affecting, I just do them.

I don't concern myself with what has or hasn't worked for others. And, I'd say whatever positivity I have has sprung from the deepest negativity. I drastically didn't like who I was, and I was going to change myself, even if it meant stepping on toes, or causing myself extreme discomfort.

Because my thoughts have always centered around, if you don't have a grasp on yourself, what do you really have?