Stop it!!!!

[tudorose]

Okay so I've been around here for a while but in that time there were a few years where I didn't post very much.

The reason for that was that I felt excluded.

Hijacking threads has at least been dealt with by the mods. Being in a different time zone to most I would post threads only to find when I came back that they had turned into a personal conversation between a few people which had nothing to do with the thread and didn't include me so I'm really glad that doesn't happen anymore. So thanks for that Mods!

But the 'name your friends' threads seem to be making a come back and considering this is a support forum I think it really sucks and I really hate them. It's not a lot different to the 'exclusive' lunch at work which I posted about a little while ago and most people understood what that felt like.

Sure it's nice for the 20 or so people who are named in the appreciation thread but what about the 67000 other members who aren't mentioned. It's like saying, Hey you other 67000 members - YOU'RE NOT APPRECIATED!!!

It's not like you're saying you miss certain people who are not on the forum any more. It's pointing out people who are on the forum at the exclusion of others.

Here's a thought; if you find yourself writing "I'm sorry if I've missed anyone" then don't post it. To me it just means that whoever you've missed wasn't important enough to you to remember.

Before when I felt this way I would just leave and not come back for a long long time. Now that I'm older and bolder I'm saying this because I know there are others who can't.

Just think about it. It's like people are acting like there's a 'cool crowd' on the forum which most members are not a part of. And that in my opinion is not cool at all.

[Fuzzy12]

Tudor, I'm sorry that thread made you feel excluded. I worried a bit about that when I posted on there (though not enough to stop me from posting.) I know how you feel and I guess you are right.

Naming specific people does mean that you are excluding others. I'm sure that wasn't the intention of the thread. It's just a thank you thread to acknowledge and appreciate those that you feel have helped you but it's neither comprehensive nor accurate. I know that there are many, many members whom I didn't name though they might have helped me as much as those that I did name.

Not being named on that thread doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't appreciated. It could just mean that the members who do appreciate you just didn't post. Not because they couldn't be bothered but maybe because they agree that it's not a good idea to name just a few. Or maybe didn't even see that thread. Or just aren't as vocal as some others.Out of the 67 000 members of this forum, how many have posted on that thread? Maybe about 10-12? It's in no way a comprehensive representation of this forum or how the forum in general views its members.

I do think you are right though. This is primarily a support forum and if anything makes anyone feel excluded then it probably shouldn't have a place on here. I guess too many of us know what it's like to feel excluded or different in the real world and how crappy that feels.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I'm sorry and that I hope you won't stop posting here since your input (like everyone else's) is appreciated, thank you thread or not.

[sarek]

Maybe you could look at this the other way around. If everyone posts on threads like these, than most likely everyone gets mentioned too.

And its not about the 'cool crowd', its about each of us mentioning people who have meant a lot to us personally. At least that's the way it is for me.

[amberwillow]

I'm a relative newcomer to the forum, no matter what the join date over there says. So I don't know how things 'used to be'. I'm glad you post here... find it supportive and I hear you when you say now that you feel excluded.

I hope the boards give everyone a chance to express themselves. I'm sure the type of threads you cite were not formed with that intention.

I have to say I'm a little shocked. I've never been mainstream or part of a popular group, never wanted to be more than just respected... Those threads just appear (to me) to be a chance for people to voice their thanks and share positive feelings.
In the linear nature of the thread it is clearly impossible for everyone to be mentioned at once.

People are able to post in any thread... No-one is excluded surely?

What can help you feel better tudorose?

I hope you understand I'm not trying to offend.

[Flory]

im sorry you've felt excluded , my post in this thread really was to thank the people that have touched me personally and really reached out to me, everyone here on ADDF bar a few trolls and trouble makers has shown me love and support and an amazing level of understanding that i can't acquire in my own personal life and for the first time i feel accepted. i didn't wish to make anyone feel excluded and im sorry if i made you feel that way

[tudorose]

Originally Posted by sarek

Maybe you could look at this the other way around. If everyone posts on threads like these, than most likely everyone gets mentioned too.

I don't believe that. There will always be people left out. That's just unrealistic.

Originally Posted by sarek

And its not about the 'cool crowd', its about each of us mentioning people who have meant a lot to us personally. At least that's the way it is for me.

I was talking about how it feels and how it's perceived.

And I'm sorry that I don't mean anything to anyone here.

And before anyone jumps to any conclusions I'd still have an issue with this sort of thing even if my name was mentioned because I have an overriding sense of fair play and I hate seeing people marginalised or excluded. Although if anyone takes any notice of what I post they'd probably already know that about me.

[sarek]

None of us are strangers to being excluded Tudorose. We all know what it feels like and it hurts like hell.
For me, however, the thread is more about inclusion. I am only one person. There is only so much I can do but what I can do I will. I know I can not expect anything from anyone that I am not ready to give myself.

[tudorose]

Originally Posted by sarek

None of us are strangers to being excluded Tudorose. We all know what it feels like and it hurts like hell.
For me, however, the thread is more about inclusion. I am only one person. There is only so much I can do but what I can do I will. I know I can not expect anything from anyone that I am not ready to give myself.

That's exactly why I don't like those threads and don't post in them. As only one person I can't mention everyone therefore I don't mention anyone. I do this at work too. I'm not in a job where I can be perceived to be playing favourites so I try to treat everyone like they're important and a way of doing that for me is not participating in processes where people could feel excluded because the way I see it everyone is important and everyone's feelings matter.

I realise the rest of the world doesn't see things this way.

I think the rest of the world sucks.

What do I have to do to get banned. I'm thinking this place isn't good for me anymore.

[sarek]

I am very sorry if any of this has made you feel bad Tudorose. I think its just that everyone has their own views on situations like these. Somehow its just never possible to get it perfectly right and make everyone happy.

Myself, I have been excluded many times in my life. In turn I have included people who felt excluded by others and then again on occasion I have failed to see yet others who should have been included too.
But I have always done my level best and tried my hardest to get it right.

[Spacemaster]

I completely understand where you're coming from.

The intention of the thread was noble, but for many, it's just another thing to feel excluded from.

If you have ADHD and social anxiety, this is a double whammy. I've felt excluded from things my entire life. I still have occasions to feel that way.

I always feel like I'm this awesome person that continually gets lost in the shuffle, overlooked and under-appreciated.

Even when you *know* it is not done to hurt you, the feelings are deep-seeded. It's difficult to overcome those feelings, when yet again, your name isn't included among those that are receiving all the accolades.

I like the intentions of that thread, but I recognise what Tudorose is saying. You look for your name, realise it's not there, and feel a little disappointed.

[ana futura]

Originally Posted by tudorose

What do I have to do to get banned. I'm thinking this place isn't good for me anymore.

Ah, you can ask them to temporarily ban you! I did and I'm really glad I did. Or have someone change your password for you.

I would have been hurt if I had been banned against my will, but I really, really needed a break from this place.

I was in a similar place as you, I was spending too much time here, and it wasn't good for me. I kept logging on even though I really didn't want to.

After my break I've been able to have a much healthier relationship with ADDF.

If you do decide to take a break, please come back in time for next year's TDF!

[ana futura]

And I totally get you on that thread. Of course I looked through it, looking for myself. I was sort of shocked to see my name in it. I've never ever been on any sort of list like that, ever. I felt really happy to be on it.

But then of course I thought about how I would have felt if I wasn't on it, because I'm never on those stupid lists, and I would have felt really crappy, because that's how I always feel when I'm not on those lists. I get that it's about "taking the power back" and what not, but there are so many awesome people who aren't mentioned on that list, and your right, for them that list could be just another insult in a long string of insults.

[peripatetic]

so since names being memtioned is one of the issues, I find it striking that the two threads referenced are ones I started, yet instead of broaching the subject with me, to me...here I find it's about me. that's hurtful, for the record.

the two were started with completely separate intentions. the appreciation one is exactly as characterized by sarek and amber. the elf was just a passing the time quirky thing until I had to board a plane.

the thing about the appreciation one is where I have an interest in responding here. I'm sorry the other one hurt anyones feelings. I thought it'd be a fun group effort. if I was wrong, I was wrong and I'll admit it. the appreciation one is different.

I make no apologies for sincerely acknowledging others and encouraging people to be kind to each other. life is short and it bothers me that so many feel unheard, or that their lives pass unnoticed. it makes me sad that people live feeling nothing but criticism. I think it's truly tragic how many people never know what they mean to each other. and making us feel badly about making those points known...that's not something I can support. it shouldn't be a bad thing to tell soneones s/he did/does something meaningful. what kind of support forum is this if saying thank you is a negative?

nobody meant to exclude anyone, is my hope and what I know about myself. but I will continue to post on that thread to tell people I appreciate something about them when I do and I hope ...I won't ever mention you on that thread if it bothers you Tudor. but I hope you believe me when I say that surely I appreciate you.

but tgst thread in my mind stands for not letting the sun set on taking a minute to tell others what something means to you. it is also tragic that it's often in hindsight we take the time to tell people what they meant to us. you know that Esh thread I started? he didn't know any of that. he had no idea people appreciated him. I had no idea that that night my being around made amber, someone I just met, feel better just because I was around and posting. Jules had no idea I saw her that way.

those things are important to sone of us Tudor. and it's not about excluding or hurting anyone. it's about embracing and acknowledging others while we can.

thank you for reading

[Spacemaster]

Peri, I hope my response wasn't hurtful.

I do think the initial threads were good, I guess I just wanted to provide a little understanding. I've struggled for so long with being excluded, that while it's awesome to give thanks and recognition, there's bound to be some that are left out. It's not intentional of course, but it happens.

[sarahsweets]

Tudor for what its worth... you f**king rock.