I suppose the title is somewhat misleading and the problem is more complex. My issue is that now that I'm acting on the possibility that my "personality flaws" are more than a personal choice that I made to be lazy and incompetent, I find myself excusing myself a whole lot. I'll want to do work, but then have a conversation in my head where I calmly go over that I have ADHD, no interest in the work, and I've already tried a plethora of behavioral treatments in the years following up to even suspecting I had ADHD. None of it worked, it's not going to work now.
It bothers me in a way but it also seems logical. I've been trying to take positive action for ages to reduce my sluggishness and lack of discipline but to no avail.
The reason I'm now seeking medical help is because it really is that bad, and nothing has helped, and it's ruining me. At the same time, shutting down like this is arguably a really bad choice, but I don't feel like I have a lot of options.
The other issue is that I worry it might be a way to cope with the whole affair and trying to fight myself on it might be bad. I was really quite depressed until it was suggested that some of my problems might be due to ADHD. Having the idea that all my wasted effort wasn't just because I wasn't "strong enough" really felt good for once. Instead of spending all my time beating myself up, I was trying to figure out a way to fix the root of the problem, which included pushing hard enough to actually get an appointment set up.
So I find myself trying to juggle my obligations towards business and the need to make money with this kind of reality that it was my inability to handle such things that made me seek treatment in the first place. I honestly have no idea what to do. I really mostly wish that I could get a doctor to make a more prompt diagnosis. I also spend a lot of time doting on whether or not it would've been better to just have had a GP refer me to a psychiatrist instead of going into an ADHD center to see a therapist.
Right now I'm looking at three weeks of assessment, then however long it takes the psychiatrist to see me and make an official diagnosis. And obviously that includes the fear and possibility that I don't have it, though I'm not sure what to do if I don't.
10-02-12, 02:15 PM
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