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Old 10-04-12, 03:16 PM
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Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Hello Everyone,

New to the board, new to ADHD, my girlfriend of a year just broke things off, and I feel like my world is caving in on me......

So I am like most people who have been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. I have felt and thought there was something that kept me from 100% focusing all my life, but until recently I thought this was normal for everyone. I never knew how it has influenced my life and especially affected others until being diagnosed with ADHD - hyperactive and impulsive combined.

I did okay in high school, and graduated college, run my own small business and have been very blessed from a supportive family in my Mom, Dad and brothers. So my career goals and aspirations has always been something I have been able to control for the most part with their support. The seldom forgetfulness, disorganization, and a little procrastanation seems to catch up with me on occasion but I always complete tasks, just not always on time on in the most cleanliness of fashion.

That being said this is not where my struggles are found....

I have never been married and dated quite a bit. Never had troubled making friends as I moved around for school and work. I try to keep in touch with them. I am very easy going and in general love life. I have only been in a few serious, long term relationships, by which I mean more than three months of which I wanted to pursue. I dated my high school girlfreind for six years off and on, another girl for two years, and my most recent ex girlfriend for a year, who dumped me last week. All three of these women I have been madly in love with and thought all three were the one. I was not always faithful with the first two (just young and dumb) but remained faithful with the latest relationship. To say my heart is broken would be an understatement.

So my ex suggested I see a pychologist exactly four weeks ago and ever since being diagnosed I have been in a deep depression that ultimately ended in the break up. I thought she would be their to support me and help me but she obviously can't do it, even though she says she loves me and care for me. She said we just could never be on the same page or connect in the way she needed. I told her I needed her patience but she was unwilling. It is very hurtful.

As far as me, I have always been a total romantic...flowers, shopping, dinners, vacations, massages etc. on my own dime and when the women in my life try to open up, just do not have the ability to emotionally connect or empathize. It's so hard to step out of my box and understand.

But fact of the matter is almost everybody I meet say these same things. I am unable to emotionally connect and empathize! I just don't relate well with others on emotional level. I tend to feel like people think I have no substance and even feel like the people closest to me don't know really know me either because I have trouble expressing my feelings. I am just realizing this more so now after being diagnosed and doing the research. This is a major deficit and I will have to overcome and need direction.

My life and career goals have gone as planned, I just need some guidance to find the ability to emotionally connect. I have been taking dex and I am starting therapy sessions soon and hope I can find answers.

Can anyone relate? Any advice or suggestions are much appreciated...

Thanks for reading,
D
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Old 10-04-12, 04:11 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Do you think it was the depression that led to your break-up, or could it have been your diagnosis that scared her (as it obviously did you, to send you into such a depression in the first place). It's too bad she's not here to ask these questions to and perhaps give some advice to, as she might find input from other ADHDers who are farther along in the journey of acceptance and understanding of the disorder to be helpful.

She may just have been feeling overwhelmed and having that "he's just too big a project" feeling which I can relate to, having felt that recently when I was in an emotionally volatile place which affected the way I was feeling about my relationship.

If she was telling the truth when she said she loves and cares for you, she may not be through with you yet. She may not be able to be through with you. It's extremely difficult to really love somebody and totally walk away from them forever. And if your not connecting or opening up is the problem, it may go a long, powerful way if you are able to open up even a little bit to her even now. She may be afraid that she will be required to carry more than her share of the load of the relationship work and that can be overwhelming to any woman.

As for your not being able to connect emotionally or open up, you should realize that that is probably not as uncommon as you think. Whether politically-correct, sensitive- new-age-guy society wants to accept it or not, men are still basically hardwired to be stoic and suppress emotions and a lot of men have difficulty expressing what they feel. That doesn't make you a freak of nature by any means. You have been expressing your feelings to the women in your life in the language you know - gestures, gifts, money spent, actions rather than words, so you have not been altogether unexpressive. Certainly you should keep trying to better express yourself emotionally, but it's a journey, not a destination.
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Old 10-04-12, 04:54 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Thanks Spunky,

As far as my ex, I think it is an accumulation of it all.....th ADHD, the depression, the inability to feel a deep connection. She divorced a man several years ago as well and I feel like she may be scared to commit again because she does not want to make that same mistake. And I think, you are right, she is overwhelmed with my problems. I will text her to invite her to this site...she more than likely will not text back nor post but I'd bet she would read it.

And I have tried to open up, it just makes me clingy. I told her I love you everyday up to thee second we split, asked everyday how are you feeling and ask how her day went etc. She would tell me and I would either not respond or change subjects without knowing. I always gave her my love and affection. She knows I love her and I think she is perfect for me. She just is not feeling it.

She said there were no deep emotional conversations. And she is right. We just always went out or watched movies, and do fun things. i would express myself through the physical with hugs, kisses, hand holding, sex but in the end it made me clingy and pushed her away.
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Old 10-04-12, 05:42 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Maybe you could ask her to put the romance on hold for a while, without breaking up entirely. It sounds to me like you are both overwhelmed right now, and you probably both need to take time out before either of you make big decisions about your relationship. And then you really do need to give her some space and time to think.
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Old 10-04-12, 06:00 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

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Originally Posted by T-Rex65 View Post
Maybe you could ask her to put the romance on hold for a while, without breaking up entirely. It sounds to me like you are both overwhelmed right now, and you probably both need to take time out before either of you make big decisions about your relationship. And then you really do need to give her some space and time to think.
I asked her if this was a break or a break up....she said we are done. I guess time will tell.

I know I have a long road ahead and the therapy will help I'm sure. Ever since being diagnosed my personal life has changed dramatically and is hard to grasp right now.
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Old 10-05-12, 09:02 AM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Well, try to focus on you and your health now. Whether or not your ex is truly done with you or not, there is nothing you can do about that right now. All you can do is work on making your own life better. When you are feeling good about yourself again, you will attract people into your world that can appreciate you for who are are.
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Old 10-05-12, 11:35 AM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

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Originally Posted by T-Rex65 View Post
Well, try to focus on you and your health now. Whether or not your ex is truly done with you or not, there is nothing you can do about that right now. All you can do is work on making your own life better. When you are feeling good about yourself again, you will attract people into your world that can appreciate you for who are are.
Thanks T,

I am starting to realize this after a few grueling days. It is difficult because she was my life.....I bought a house a few months ago and it feels so empty. She's a professional designer and decorated almost all of it so its hard to not think of her. It is so hard to focus on me when everything reminds me of her. I just keep telling myself time heals all wounds.

As a ADHDer any specific suggestions?

I go to the gym, I have friends I talk to, but there typical guys who tell me to try and get laid, find a new girl, and I know this will make things worse. My friends who are girls are all married and that just feel bad for me because they know how much I loved my ex. My brothers just say that sucks, parents said oh that's too bad. My family is not very empathetic either.

I guess I am asking suggestions on how to develop my personal mental and emotional health and become stronger in those aspects. I hear meditation is healthy but being scatterbrained it is so hard to concentrate and sit still. I am catholic and try to attend mass every Sunday, but I just find myself looking around at people. The meds help a little, I don't know if I need stronger or different or none at all. I see the Doc next week before the therapist so I will see what they say.

Thanks to those who read this. I know expressing myself on this forum has been beneficial and just getting things off my chest has helped. In a way this is my open journal and I will plan to keep it updated.

D
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Old 10-05-12, 12:37 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

I went through a really bad breakup a few years ago. Besides the fact that it will take time (cliche' but true), I'll tell you about a couple of things that seemed to help me.

The first thing would be to add new things to your life, things which don't have any kind of strong connection to your ex. New hobbies, new friends, new haircut, whatever. You may not want to completely redo your house or buy new furniture, but I suggest at least moving some things around. Rearrange your living room and bedroom. Maybe add one or two new things, like a slipcover or a piece of art for the wall. For me, a new thing was adopting another rescue dog. She was a new personality in my home, which the ex had never even met. Turned out that wasn't the smartest choice, because I found myself overextended with too many pets. Plus, she was a handful all by herself. But she is still with me, I love her, and I'm glad I did it anyway.

Eventually, after you begin to heal, I suggest reclaiming some things that currently seem to be tightly connected to her and your time with her. For me, it was volunteering at Sci Fi cons. My ex and I went to a lot of cons together, and we were partners in putting on our own show. Some time after my breakup, a friend asked me to come back and be a director for him at a very large con that he works for. That helped me regain my confidence. But I don't think it would have helped me much immediately after the breakup. I needed to stay away for a while at first, and then come back later and affirm for others (really for myself) that I belonged there as much as the ex did. So maybe that's two things. Withdraw from previously shared activities if you need to, but come back when you feel better and remind yourself that you deserve to keep these shared activities if you wish to.

I thought I was done, but I thought of something else...take a trip somewhere new! Either go with a friend, or maybe plan to visit someone you know who lives someplace you have never been. This goes back to my first suggestion, which is adding new things. This will be a new experience that has nothing to do with the ex, and even if you spend some of your vacation time missing her, it will still be something to look back at fondly once you are past the worst of it.

Last edited by T-Rex65; 10-05-12 at 12:42 PM.. Reason: corrected mistakes, then added something else.
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Old 10-05-12, 12:54 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

I can suggest a few books. I'd also suggest making female friends. If all the guys you know are the closed off good old boy types, maybe making some female gal pals will help give you the experince you need to open up to women.



Nothing'S Wrong: Man's Guide by David Kundtz


Hidden Power: The Mastery of Emotional Openness
By M D Pavel Spatenka

The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint For Healing
by Patti Henry

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
by Gary Chapman

Game Plan: A Man's Guide to Achieving Emotional Fitness by Alan Lyme, David J. Powell and Stephen Andrew
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Old 10-06-12, 02:32 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Thanks again T and thanks for the book suggestions RHW....

I am going to wedding at the end of the month...old college friends I know it will good to see them. I love what I do and I am motivated by my job so I will be able to focus more on work which will help. Help pay for the therapy, pills and all my other impulse buys.

As far as the books go, my reading aptitude is baaaad and it is hard for me to finish books...something I need to work on... Can anyone suggest a video or movie ?

Going to therapist today, excited and nervous...I know I am going to break down. I am trying to stay strong.

D
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Old 10-06-12, 08:13 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

My achilles heal right here. I talked about this for at least an hour with my therapist the other day.

Here's my take on it, if it's true love then it's nearly impossible to stay away from each other. I've been with the same woman on and off for the last six years, we've had lots of breaks but we've grown much closer.

However it's not a satisfying relationship, we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and that's what we're doing right now. She went back to school and is busy with that.

I've had other girlfriends where I loved them we had good times, it ended, I was sad and then I was fine. Moved right along no problem.

My only advice is take care of yourself, work on yourself, get counseling if you need it and let time dictate what happens next. Don't sit around waiting that's Hell, not healthy.

I can't believe the way my current on off relationship has grown through all the obstacles that have come up. For some reason the love between us just never died and when It's that real it doesn't go away. Maybe we'll end up with other people in the long run I don't know, I can't sit around thinking about it without going crazy!

but when love is true you can't escape it. Just my experience. Keep busy.
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Old 10-08-12, 04:32 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Thanks HiDef,

My therapist said a lot of the same...glad to know I am not alone. The therapist also said if it is true love and it was really meant to be, we will find a way back to each other....

For the last 5 weeks I have been depressed about my past issues and have been thinking so negative on the ADHD diagnosis. I just kept thinking, if I only knew back then, if others would have known, my life would somehow be better or different. Not healthy thinking....

I have to find a way to accept this is who I am and move forward, with or without her, and forgive my past. I am not sure exactly how this is going to happen, but I can't dwell on it as I realize it is doing me no good at all. I have to do a lot of self forgiving, and need to focus on me right now and understand this is a time for personal growth.

I am looking into volunteering my time with different organizations and becoming more involved with my church. I will continue going to therapy.

Also was put on Concerta and off the dex, I know I already like it better. Less dry mouth.....

Thanks again everyone for reading. I hope when I get me figured out, I can come back to this board and help someone else. I will post soon....

D
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Old 10-10-12, 12:12 AM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Wow

I gotta say when I read your post even some of your words or phrases you used I felt like it mirrored a LOT of how I feel, act & behave! I too am extremely affectionate both verbally & physically with the person I love. Saying I love you daily is a given where I come from :]

I am very romantic and have had 3 great loves, my now recent ex now twice broke my heart (see my thread on brokenhearted) my 1st real boyfriend was someone I met in college and dated for over 6 years. My 2nd one was here in NYC for ovr 5 years. And my current ex who while it was only 6 months given the history between us from dating 20 yrs ago and again now is my 3rd love. I was content to think that all 3 of these guys would be the person who Id marry and grow old with.

I admit I am not understanding what is this 'deep emotional conversation' that your ex wanted from you? I think its awesome you enjoyed each others company and went out an did things. Isn't that the fun part of being with a person you love? Maybe I am missing something here?

Like you I finally got my own kickass spacious apartment here in NYC but it feels empty without having someone wonderful to share it with. I am a social butterfly have a ton of friends, make movies on the side, volunteer etc etc but I crave to share my life with that special someone who as you wrote is 'perfect for me'

And for the past few years I've become a lot more reflective of how ADD has really impacted my life as I wasn't diagnose till age 30. Its very depressing but unlike you though I kind of don't love my job but I do it anyways because I feel my ADD has limited my professionl opportunities. But that's a whole other matter...

Anyhoo, I see you expressing yourself quite well here and I agree with your therapist and HiDef that if its real love she'll come back to you. Now is the time to be a little selfish and easy on yourself. Too bad reading is a bit more taxing for you but I do think its beneficial. What if you tried to find them as audio books where you just listen? Or try the books but look at the table of content or index and find key words that you think applies to what you want to learn? I do think that men today are expected to be more verbal and 'in touch with their feelings' than they're wired to be.

You sound extremely affectionaite and fun. That a winning combination in my book ;] besides I wouldn't beat yourself up too much on whatever this emotional deficit your ex says you have. Perhaps she just wasn't feeling it anymore and was trying to use whatever flaw you considered yourself to have and played that up. As a way to validate her reasons for breaking up with you? Either way you're in good company, welcome to the brokenhearts club
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Old 10-10-12, 06:48 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Thanks Nova,

So my ex did stop by yesterday unexpectedly to get some of more of her things and brought me some Banana bread, which she knows I love, and we talked a little. She basically said after a year together, she thought things would be different, and she thought she would feel different. She said she felt like the relationship was not going anywhere and felt lately when she was around me she was not her true self. She said she will always care for me....

I don't know if she was being honest about everything or not. It felt more like she does not know what she wants or was questioning her intuition. I honestly don't know what to think....

Looking back, I just cannot say there was a pin point problem with us. I guess it was more of an accumulation of issues that lead to our break up. As the days go by, I realize her expectations may exceed another man's capabilities. I really believe she has been traumatized by her divorce and past relationships and it has complicated our ability to grow the relationship.

It's like, I want to be there for her and work it out, but I just cant, she won't let me.....so I have to live and let die. I dwell on it because it is hard to sit here and not want to do whatever it takes to get her back in my life.

It sucks....Time goes by so slow.....and it's excruciating being and feeling so alone. I am trying hard to stay focus and stay positive....hard to find motivation.
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Old 10-11-12, 01:04 PM
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Re: Recently diagnosed and dumped. Need advice.

Hi Doug
Today is my day off and I am like you, no motivation to get out of bed today and get things going. I want to disappear and I recently found out my now new ex either
-was seeing me on the side while maintaining a relationship with another woman he was dating before me
Or
-I was just his rebound, someone to make him feel loved while he decided to end things with this other woman or working things through
Either way I am mortified and feeling quite stupid and used today
I am so sorry about your ex. I think your insights on her and how the last divorce really did a number on her. She may not have healed enough to fully let you into her heart, even though you let her into yours.
I think sometimes we ADDers experience things more deeply than the average person and for longer periods of time. If I were you I would avoid contact with her as much as possible. I am a strong beiever in the NC (No contact rule) when the relationship ends. While it was sweet she brought you banana bread and you guys talked some. Maybe you will get the closure you need but when you can and are ready, do enforce NC. Its no good to to think there's a small chance of reconciling just because she is still friendly to you. And you don't want to make yourself the 'backup' plan so in case she spreads her wings and gets out there. Then a few months later when she sees it can be cold and lonely by yourself comes back to you out of fear rather than love. All of these are just suggestions and opinions which you're welcomed to ignore.

I myself am resisting the urge to text my ex and demand he tell me the truth once and for all about this other woman. I know it would be fruitless and he probably wouldn't tell me the truth because he hasn't all this time. Why would he start now? No its best I let sleeping dogs lie (and lie he did!)

If you need to vent, feel free breakup buddies are so helpful!
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