I'm screaming in my head and out loud with the kids

[RippinMyHairOut]

Hi! I'm obviously new as I am introducing myself! I do not have ADD or ADHD, but I have custody of my nephew and niece, which not only have I had them since 2008, I'm in the process of adopting them as well.

I'm seriously going crazy, I can not seem to locate any of my patience and I'm always freaking out because they never quit!

I guess without spilling it all in this post now, I will just try to give the bottomline. Mainly, because there is just too much to tell and even more that I know I need help with.

My sister lost her children (2 of them anyway) and I have dedicated the last four years to them, FOR them! They are my life. However, with that, I knew there would be problems because of how she lost them and the anger she has on me for having them. Well, it's either me or a stranger that would be adopting, you'd think she'd rather have me!

She exposed both to meth while pregnant. So far, my 5 year old niece had recently been diagnosed with O.D.D. and ADHD. I'm losing it just with her alone. Until I get her settled in with all of the new ways we are suppose to deal, I'm holding off from getting my nephew assessed. Is that a good decision? I feel overwhelmed just adjusting. Now I knew that she had some sort of imbalance even way before she ever lived with me. Both kids have always spent the majority of their time with me before living with me.

I do feel there is something about my nephew that is off, but not quite as extreme or intense as my niece. Together, they are always at war. I can't EVER leave them to play alone as it has never failed that someone walks away with a bruise or cut or a punch to the stomach. SOMETHING!

They both are extremely intelligent. I almost feel too intelligent when it comes to my niece! Can one even think that could be a scary thing? I do with her. Although all kids are sponges in the brain and what they observe, she's gotta mega super sponge lingering in that head of hers. She's 5 and has a very high vocabulary and if she doesn't figure it out almost immediately on her own the meaning, she will ask you. She's amazing.

However, she also knows how to play on you when she wants something. NOT necessarily in a good way. With that said, I'm afraid I will also lose them because of it. I'm sure with time, I will go into better detail about that issue where it would make more sense to any of you what I could possibly be talking about.

The bottomline is that I probably sound like a total B**** from the outside of the house listening in. Of course, that's with her going off on me too and there is clearly something wrong with that, obviously!

I need HELP! I need a shoulder and I need someone to serious tell me what I can possibly do to deal with all of this. I'm RippinMyHairOut!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[silivrentoliel]

welcome!

if you haven't already seen Dizfriz's corner, you should check it out- awesome articles about kids w/ ADHD

[RippinMyHairOut]

Thank you silivrentoliel....I will definitely check that out. I'm roaming around now. I really appreciate it!

[Ms. Mango]

Hi and welcome to the forums!

First I want to say what a wonderful thing you're doing by adopting your niece and nephew! You mentioned in another post that your niece is in therapy, does the therapist address her ADHD and ODD? Behavioral therapy, teaching you strategies for working with her, could be very helpful. We did that when our son was young; I met with the therapist more than DS and talked about discipline, structure and rewards.

Is your niece on medication? For some kids the ODD resolves itself if the child is medicated successfully.

If you suspect your nephew could benefit from some help by all means have him assessed. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with the adoption. If you can work that in now, great, but the most important thing for those kids is to get through the adoption process so they (and you) know their lives will be secure.

[SquarePeg]

Hi, you don´t sound like a total b**t but a person who loves these kids and trying hard to give them a loving secure home, I think you´re great.

Please don´t hold off getting your nephew assessed, the earlier the better. Is there a parents support group you can join in your area, where you will be supported, meet other parents and shares some laughs and tears. I hope you have one nearby.

Therapies for your kids should include a combination, maybe meds, but behavioural therapy (their traumatic start in life without any other added complications is enough to need some kind of help). You also need to enlist the school, to offer support. I hope you will find lots of useful advice and support on this board.

[crystal8080]

Hi and welcome

You will find a lot of good information here, but more than that people who understand.

I can't give you the useful information, but I can give you a big ole shoulder to rest on for a moment to catch your breath. I have a mantra. "This too shall pass", no matter what it is, everything changes and I hope it changes for the better.

[RippinMyHairOut]

Ms. Mango, Hi!! They are no longer in therapy. They were discharged about 3 1/2 weeks ago. it was acknowledged and advised way prior to when she was assessed, to be assessed. I had a hard time doing it because I was afraid of the fact that she would be medicated. I couldn't imagine putting a child so young on meds. But it got to where there was no choice. I failed for awhile because I thought it wouldn't be good. My fiance is a chef and knowing that you can maintain and control (for a good part of it anyway) these disorders, we chose to try without chemicals. Obviously I was wrong in my assumptions, later we can possibly do something like that, but even though I have a daughter that had also been diagnosed with both of these disorders, I thought I knew so much...I clearly didn't know much at all and hers hadn't been so extreme. BIG DIFFERENCE!

1) Yes, Addie had been prescribed with Ritalin and Tenex. Originally it was Ritalin and Intuniv, but the insurance won't cover it because she is under six years old. So I looked up what the $4 plans at WalMart was on scripts and Ritalin was on it, but only 30 count on her dosage. Intuniv was not on that list. So the Psychiatrist changed the Ritalin from 60 count to 30 and that only gave 15 days worth. changed the other to Tenex, which was fine through the month as she was doing 1/2 mg twice daily.

I tried almost immediately to get a refill for the Ritalin, two weeks is a short amt of time. The Mental Hospital I had her at for the partial impatient in didn't ever return calls (which I called everyday, one most days, more than once). I called her pediatrician and she said she couldn't just "refill", she had to assess too. that was going to take a few weeks to get in for appt. Also, when she was discharged, she was to have follow up with psychiatrist outside of hospital and their wait was Sept 27th. AND even then she's not seeing the psychiatrist on the first day, they have someone doing assessment as well first. I even called the original psychiatrist's "office" and never got a call back regarding refills. So basically, Addie's NOT been taking her Ritalin since the 12 of Sept. Now she is also out of Tenex. Her next appt is tomorrow, but they are still assessing...
I was reading dizfriz's corner that was awesomely suggested above and Addie says stuff in there that she pointed out. She doesn't want to act the way she does, but can't help it. LIke I said, she's a pretty smart cookie. lol.

Thank you for suggesting getting my neph seen now (and you too SquarePeg), rather than later. He may not be quite as bad and he seems like he would have more ADD than anything, but he's an angry boy and he's violent!!

I was a bit concerned about them being discharged, but the therapist had said that what was needed was more than what she could do because she knows better, but with the ODD/ADHD...it required more than, plus the meds that she can't prescribe. She was better off sticking to ONE therapist and one that could write them out for her. She pretty much knew as well, that she would be diagnosed with both of these.

I know I should start a new thread in the appropriate location on more info that would be better to know the situation. I'm getting there

The adoption process, it's a nightmare and I feel being stalled, even though the last case worker on the case (and the 6 before her) feels that I'm the one they feel should adopt. this new one, already thinks that I'm scum, well she speaks to me like that anyway.

Thank you!

[RippinMyHairOut]

SquarePeg

I have been searching for a local support group. It's actually how I found this great forum! I'm thankful to start somewhere. I have to say, we got the kids when the economy was falling and I was an office manager when they came to live with us. My fiance did too and he was an executive chef. We've never really regained our composure from it all since. It got to the point for me, I've not worked in such a substantial amount of time to appear reliable. Our car fell apart and the only support group I found locally, is on the Kansas side and not convenient to get to without the car. I'm still searching though...

[RippinMyHairOut]

Originally Posted by crystal8080

Hi and welcome

You will find a lot of good information here, but more than that people who understand.

I can't give you the useful information, but I can give you a big ole shoulder to rest on for a moment to catch your breath. I have a mantra. "This too shall pass", no matter what it is, everything changes and I hope it changes for the better.

I like that idea, I really do need a shoulder. I'm always in tears over this...I cry for them, what they have to deal with, the danger my niece puts herself in because of no control, my nephew because I feel he feels insignificant and for me because I not only feel I'm going mad, but because I know I yell and I can't seem to stop myself now and it's not their fault and I know they aren't going to just forget me laying in on them like that. It breaks my heart. They are so little. I feel if I can't control the way I discipline, then how can I expect that from them?

[Ms. Mango]

I would definitely recommend looking for a behavioral therapist. When we did our therapist worked mainly with us--not DS--on setting up appropriate consequences and reward systems. When you have a child with ODD, choosing consequences or punishments that are overly harsh can make their behavior worse! This may be something you would have to do in addition to seeing a psychiatrist or neurologist because this person will not be able to prescribe medication.

Most children with ADHD are not aggressive, however some are. My DS was one of those. It's important to get a good diagnosis and find the right medication (if needed) and therapies. . Without medication my son was the kid who was always starting fights, getting suspended at school, not making friends. With medication he's the kid who breaks up the fights!

Make sure to communicate your insurance situation to the doctor before he or she prescribes medication. I know our doctor is willing to work with us so that my son can get the correct medication and the correct amount of medication that he needs. So, for example, if your insurance plan will only cover 30 pills per month, and the doctor wants you to take two pills a day, he may prescribe 30 pills at double the dose and then you would split each pill for a daily dose. It's important for the doctor to know about your insurance plan in this case because certain pills cannot be split.

[Flory]

i can't offer you much advice...but im sending you support and much much respect!!!! what you are doing for those children is amazing...you are an absolute diamond and my heart goes out to you and your family

[SquarePeg]

As part of the adoption process aren´t you offered support? I would have thought that ongoing support should be available for you. Can you ask or are you afraid it will delay the process if you asked for help?

[sarahsweets]

I can't emphasize enough that some sort of therapy is needed especially if one lf the kids was in a partial hospital situation. Don't listen to the therapist that discharged them. Find a new one if you can. They may have some questions about their biological mother even if you've had them a long time. RE: meds ...my son began meds at age 4. Best thing I could've ever do ne for him.

[RippinMyHairOut]

Thank you ladies

Yes, the support through the state is always there. Also, whether or not we were to have insurance one of the benefits of adoption is that they will always have insurance through the state until they are 18 years old. I wouldn't say that I am afraid of asking or that it will be delayed (although I feel that the current case worker is doing that for some unknown reason anyway). I think that the mental center that I took her to, seems to do their job and then once discharged, will move on. It's not been easy getting the meds situated and I feel as if they don't care at this point. However, hopefully with the follow up doctor and I'm hoping that she will be a constant here for her medical needs and therapy. I am hoping that I will not have to search for a second one where Addie needs to see two different doctors regarding the ODD/ADHD. I just can't wait until she is six years old so that the meds won't be an issue anymore lol.

As far as the kids biological mom (my sister), they never really spent much time living with her. Even the time they "technically" did live with her, they really spent the majority of the time living with me. She would drop them off and it could be months before she showed back up to get them. She was more into the drugs than her kids (well, these two anyway. Her two older ones, she had always made sure she would make a call everyday to them to see how they were, how was school or good night). Alyias and Addie didn't get much of that at all. Again about Addie and her understanding of anything....she knows that her mom had done drugs and that they were exposed to it. They know that she's been to jail and that she's made judgements that weren't the best for her or her kids. Alyias misses her more and he will ask for her sometimes. Like "Maybe I can see Mommy sometime, just for a visit. I just want to say hi" (there's a no contact order since 2009, court order), Addie sometimes says she misses her, but she wants to live with us.
Yesterday, Addie said, "I have drugs in my body because my mommy had it in hers and she gave it to me. I can't help the way I act sometimes."

I completely agree with the continued therapy. I know eventually I will get a better hang of how to do this. I actually called the therapist that discharged and told her I didn't think that any of us are ready for this to stop. She didn't so much disagree, but suggested that I find someone new. Not in a rude way, just explained that therapists are different in their teachings and techniques and after two and a half years, maybe what they needed were a fresh set of eyes. Maybe another way of therapy was what was needed. I was afraid switching a therapist was not only having to start from the get go and explain EVERYTHING all over again, but would that be anything that the kids would regress from even more? Mainly because someone constant was gone, ya know? Maybe that is what is needed, I just never saw it that way.

What do any of you think about changes like that? I mean, am I just looking too much into nothing? Because I thought kids needed that consistency. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so careful about things like that? lol

I absolutely appreciate the advice you all are giving me. It really helps to know that I can turn to people who can really give me better insight and if I could be making a wrong choice in how I could be handling something with her or if not doing something would be a setback for her and US to manage this.

Flory, thank you. I feel overwhelmed quite a bit, but no matter who stressed out I get, I always try to remember that they are worth every gray hair and worth every tear (even if they made me cry lol).

[crystal8080]

The best thing you can do it forgive yourself. Keep forgiving yourself every single day. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start.

Before I was diagnosed I was overwhelmed with the kids. I was finding myself yelling at the kids and was struggling to control it. I was even yelling at my son and he was just a baby. But I kept seeking help. I kept trying.

A few months ago I was angry that the kids were fighting in the bath again. I slid open the glass door too hard and smashed it. It shattered and fell in a sheet on my kids. They stood up crying and I got them out, but they had cuts all down their legs, there was glass and water and blood everywhere. My 5 year old daughter was crying, my 2 year old son was not. He looked traumatized. Sometimes he still talks about the "ice".

I feel terrible when I talk about it. But I wanted to share it so you know that you are not alone. All we can do is our best and at the end of the day that has to be enough. Tomorrow is a new day.

You are here, and you are a good parent, yes parent, to these kids. You are not playing "auntie". One thing I try to remember is that kids don't ever try to make their parents mad. It helps me get through some rough spots.