Why do I cause Drama?

[bumblebe]

Ive been with my bf for about ten months now. And until recently I thought my drama days were over. That is mostly because he has been the one who who would go crazy and being the crazy one myself in past relationships I had complete empathy for him.

Over the last few weeks, I have been feeling insecure in our relationship and I have completely lost it a few times. Last night I became this clingy irrational girl. I called a bunch of times, accused him of doing things I have no proof of or even really believe myself. I was basically doing anything I could to push buttons and get a response.

This is the old me. Today I feel so ashamed of my actions i cant imagine him seeing me the way he used to. I think its over. I feel bad. My emotions really got the best of me. Then the worst of me took over

Will I ever be able to maintain a healthy relationship? More than that, will I ever be able to feel safe in a relationship? I am so insecure and I am only n ow realizing that

[SquarePeg]

maybe you need the stimulation of drama, the ups and downs, if things are going to smoothly you feel the need to put a spanner in the works.

I found my earlier relationships were all about who had the power. At first the boy always did, I wanted a boy to like me, ask me out, date me then fall in love with me. Once I "had control" of him, I lost interest, game over.

[Drewbacca]

You are who you are and he can either love it or leave it. Besides, you've been putting up with his ****; fair is fair. To error is human, to forgive is divine.

[bumblebe]

Originally Posted by SquarePeg

maybe you need the stimulation of drama, the ups and downs, if things are going to smoothly you feel the need to put a spanner in the works.

I found my earlier relationships were all about who had the power. At first the boy always did, I wanted a boy to like me, ask me out, date me then fall in love with me. Once I "had control" of him, I lost interest, game over.

I know I have abandonment issues from growing up in foster care, I am programmed to know that after a certain amount of time goes by its time to move on (I was in over 30 foster homes )
I'm not a victim, not at all. Its just like I said, i feel programed to move on, and sometimes I think i cause the drama because its time to move on...I dont get it at all.

But something you said kinda fit in my mind. About the ups and downs in the relationship, like once things are not as exiting as they were in the beginning I feel the need to work things up, I want the other person to know how much I want to be appreciated. I dont like it when the fizzle goes down I guess is what I'm trying to say...

[bumblebe]

Originally Posted by Drewbacca

You are who you are and he can either love it or leave it. Besides, you've been putting up with his ****; fair is fair. To error is human, to forgive is divine.

There were times when he would call a million times and text. I wouldnt respond. Thats the worst you can do to a person. I am feeling the pain now that its on the other foot.

But, can I say in my defense that when I didn't respond to him it was either because I was trying to take our breakup seriously. (I have broken up with him a few times, He is persistent so I always take him back)

Or I was to angry to communicate and needed some time before talking. And I would tell him beforehand that that was the reason I wouldn't be responding.

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by bumblebe

(I have broken up with him a few times, He is persistent so I always take him back)

Love's a real *****. Believe me, I can relate.

[amberwillow]

I think this is called (in some of the ADHD books) 'Let's Have A Problem'... It's listed as a common pattern in relationships where one or more partners have ADHD.

I certainally see it in my sister's history with men and it was occurring in mine until I became aware of it. I have done a lot of work to change some of those cycles of the past.
I'm sure you'll work through it when you are ready.
((hugs))

[bumblebe]

Originally Posted by amberwillow

I think this is called (in some of the ADHD books) 'Let's Have A Problem'... It's listed as a common pattern in relationships where one or more partners have ADHD.

I certainally see it in my sister's history with men and it was occurring in mine until I became aware of it. I have done a lot of work to change some of those cycles of the past.
I'm sure you'll work through it when you are ready.
((hugs))

What did you do to work on it? I do want to change. I dont like the way I feel when this is happening. I am 35, I want more than what Ive been giving myself.

When Im single I am happy, I work on my self and really feel like Ive done some growing. So I start dating again and the little monster I described in my first post comes out. uglier than ever!

Leave it to a relationship to show you exactly where you are in life.

[bumblebe]

Originally Posted by Drewbacca

Love's a real *****. Believe me, I can relate.

Do you relate to the breaking up and getting back together thing?

We seem to do this a lot. Every time I am serious, I try to take it seriously. He breaks my heart the way he is. I am starting to get so deep into this relationship. I fear it will get harder and harder to make a break if I dont get out now.

[sarahsweets]

Is there ant possible way you have a mood disorder?

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by bumblebe

I know I have abandonment issues from growing up in foster care, I am programmed to know that after a certain amount of time goes by its time to move on (I was in over 30 foster homes )
I'm not a victim, not at all. Its just like I said, i feel programed to move on, and sometimes I think i cause the drama because its time to move on...I dont get it at all.

But something you said kinda fit in my mind. About the ups and downs in the relationship, like once things are not as exiting as they were in the beginning I feel the need to work things up, I want the other person to know how much I want to be appreciated. I dont like it when the fizzle goes down I guess is what I'm trying to say...

I had always thought my problems stemmed from my emotional totally vacant mother, From before infant school, I knew that she loved me (in her own screwed up way) but that it wasn´t the type of good, nuturing mother love, that mothers are supposed to have). But well my abandonment issues are nothing compared to yours.

I used to love the thrill of the chase, fall in love (I love the initial excitement of a relationship) but would continually test the other person to see how far they would go before they left me (they never left).

I was always the one that loved less, I always had to be in a relationship where I could say "I´m love you, I´m happy that you´re here, but if you left, equally I would be fine". so stay or go whatever.

And then I would get bored and look for a new relationship to get all that new relationship excitement again. I once left such a loving great guy, whom I was happy with for a complete ar**hole and I knew 100% that I would never ever love, let alone really like.

Every time I got over the initial excitement and dramas I would destroy the relationship and move on. I was bulimic as well and after that last relationship I couldn´t cope anymore, I knew I had a real problem and that I would continually destroy my relationships.

I had 2 years of psycotherapy, the bulimia went in about one week. I have been married for 20 years and I still want the excitement of a new relationship but know that it would be a huge huge mistake, so I won´t act on it.

Is it just an adhd, looking for a stimulant thing or what??

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by bumblebe

Do you relate to the breaking up and getting back together thing?

We seem to do this a lot. Every time I am serious, I try to take it seriously. He breaks my heart the way he is. I am starting to get so deep into this relationship. I fear it will get harder and harder to make a break if I dont get out now.

Yes, my last (current?) relationship has followed this pattern. It's not that I'm afraid of it getting deeper in any way, but I can definitely relate to much of what you've said.

[Ocyan]

Bumblebee, me too. Didn't read a word you wrote, just assumed you provoke drama. Me too, it keeps me alive. Complicated. Don't be too hard on yourself !

[crystal8080]

Are you really sure that you are that insecure? It sounds to me that he was the one who was insecure. Did he do the same things he gets upset when you do? Cause that would make me incredibly frustrated having someone mind ***** me like that.

When you first stated talking about your boyfriend you came across to me as someone who really had a good handle of what a healthy relationship should look like and had someone who didn't. He wanted you to be submissive.

But hey, I have been known to sabotage relationships so there is no going back. Kinda like putting lots of salt all over my food when I'm full so I don't keep eating it.

[RedHairedWitch]

I start really craving drama when I'm PMSing. I'm getting better at realizing when I'm like this and just staying home, keeping my mouth shut, not going on facebook and playing video games.