Spouse with very little patience for DD

[nanners]

I am not sure if this is a vent or need for advice. I guess both.

My 11 year old daughter was dx about 4 years ago, with my own dx shortly thereafter. I have read so much about it all, and have gone thru ups and downs of being excited to finally understand why my life has been the way it has been as well as depressed.

But as far as my daughter, I have felt so much empathy and understanding for the difficulties she has in life. I also get frustrated with her at times, even with this personal understanding.

My husband however has a very short fuse with her. He seems to think that negativity will reinforce good behavior. He consistently points out her errors and even ridicules her at times imo. It kills me to watch this happen over and over, as I feel this is further shrinking the little bit of self esteem she has. He is a loving father as well. I don't want to paint the picture of him being a total ***. But in this area we always butt heads. He basically thinks that I am too easy on her and that my empathy and "soft" way of going about talking to/disciplining her, won't help her any. Whereas I know that telling her she is an idiot (not in so many words) is not going to help or change anything.

I guess what I am asking is, does anybody else have a spouse/friend/etc that reacts this way? I know he cannot fully and completely understand this "curse" as he does not have it. But how can I get him to ease up a bit?

My god, he would kill me if he somehow saw I posted this. So don't show him, k?

[nanners]

Also to be clear, I have explained/educated him just about as much as I can. I continue to share what I have learned along the way with him and he generally seems receptive and understanding. He gives me crap from time to time about my own "issues" but I am a big girl and tell him what's what. My daughter is so little....

[SquarePeg]

I also have this problem with my husband making stupid jokes and taking it seriously. He loves all of his kids so much I have no doubt at all but he can´t see the negative effect his comments are having. He thinks negativity will make him work harder.

He has dyslexia and I strongly suspect adhd PI. He left school without any qualifications but has always worked (his brother employed him in the early years) doing manual labour and he also joined the military.

He thinks that no everyone is an academic and that it doesn´t matter if my son does something manual instead. In reality our son can´t stay focused on manual tasks either.

He works away a lot and I don´t want conflict in the home the little time he is here but I have told him my views time and time again and he gets very angry and takes it to mean that I am telling him he is a bad parent.

I´m only telling him how much hurt it causes inside and how his comments negatively affect our son.

He has no time for mental health issues either and has the view that people just need to get on with things. He sees adhd and my "issues" as very costly indulgences!

So I think we are in the same boat. I don´t think I can change him.

[tudorose]

NT husbands can be difficult like this. They feel helpless to 'fix' it so the next best thing in their minds is to carry on like pork chops instead. I don't know why they do this....

[nanners]

Originally Posted by tudorose

They feel helpless to 'fix' it so the next best thing in their minds is to carry on like pork chops instead. I don't know why they do this....

This made me laugh and cringe. I do know that he thinks he is helping in his own way. Which of course he is not.

Well, thanks for the understanding friends.

[sarahsweets]

Verbal abuse and ridicule is NEVEr ok and causes damage

[nanners]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Verbal abuse and ridicule is NEVEr ok and causes damage

Yes I agree. I do not feel that I would categorize this as verbal abuse though. I am feeling very vulnerable about posting this at all and want to make sure that it is not blown out of proportion.

He simply does not understand how someone could be told to do something and time and time again not remember to do it or how to do it.

Another example would be impulsiveness. As he exhibits self control and is very deliberate in how he goes through life (thank goodness one of us is), he cannot understand how she takes some of the impulsive actions that she does. Mostly dumb things she does to her sisters, etc.

When he sees the same things happen time and time again he gets very frustrated with her. Then it appears that he thinks pointing it out to her how she has messed this up before, should make it clear to her to not repeat. Not sure if this is making sense....

[SquarePeg]

yes nanners you are making perfect sense. He is having a hard time getting his head around her behaviour, it´s difficult to understand how kids will repeat the same mistakes over and over and not be able to learn from it, as it comes accross as being stupid or deliberately naughty.

There many professionals including teachers who work with kids and have a hard job understanding this as well.

[Zevispaz]

My dad I'm sure had adhd so he always empathized with me as a kid, even though we were both undiagnosed at the time (he still isn't dx'ed). My mom on the other hand got frustrated with me constantly. It eventually came to a point that my parents just agreed to lay down consequences.

If I did X I was warned Y would happen. I would do X and Y would happen. It took alot of this for me to get the point, but it gave me structure/consistency and even though it was frustrating I never felt like my parents were berating me for my mistakes. Instead I did an action and got a consequence. They would explain that I was warned and now I was getting my punishment, and why doing what I did was wrong.

I think this is a good method of punishment, I never doubted my parents meant what they said when they followed through. It also teaches that when you say something positive you mean it as well.

Also, they looked at intention. Being energetic wasn't punished, being disrespectful was.

[ginniebean]

Your child does need you to be her ally. Parents who mean well but do damage are not rare. It doesn't make them bad people but they do sometimes need to be hit over the head about their denial. One sure sign of denial is emotional abuse even if it's unintended. You see what's happening, I don't know what kind of stick it's going to take to cracks his hard nut but one needs to be found for your daughters sake.

Do read the stuff dizfriz posted for you, get some insight and practical tips and help your husband understand he's not helping.

[Luvmybully]

How about telling him that your daughter has a legitimate mental disorder, and she needs to be treated for the disorder, NOT for her behavior.

Ask him if he feels qualified to treat her adhd? Unless he has some extensive training/experience in the mental health field, tell him you as a family need professional help and guidance.

You would not even CONSIDER treating a heart condition on your own. Why would a mental disorder be any different? Your daughter does not respond to the normal average parenting strategies because she has this disorder, NOT because she doesn't want to.

Treatment for adhd involves many things. Parenting an adhd child is challenging, but with a little help and steering in the right direction, very do-able!

[LynneC]

I know you have explained ADD/ADHD to him, but ask him to read these essays by member Dizfriz.
They really helped me to understand my child:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by Luvmybully

How about telling him that your daughter has a legitimate mental disorder, and she needs to be treated for the disorder, NOT for her behavior.

Ask him if he feels qualified to treat her adhd? Unless he has some extensive training/experience in the mental health field, tell him you as a family need professional help and guidance.

You would not even CONSIDER treating a heart condition on your own. Why would a mental disorder be any different? Your daughter does not respond to the normal average parenting strategies because she has this disorder, NOT because she doesn't want to.

Treatment for adhd involves many things. Parenting an adhd child is challenging, but with a little help and steering in the right direction, very do-able!

nanners ~

People think disorders like ADHD are caused from wrong-thinking and they

think that we can change the way we think and so not have the disorder.

Actually, brain scans have shown that certain parts of the brain are under-

developed in kids with ADHD - so it's just as much a physical issue as

nearsightedness or Crohn's disease.


Making fun of a child or shaming them for not being able to see without

glasses, or for having to dash to the bathroom with sudden cramps isn't

going to help the child see better or teach them to control their bowels.



Yes, it IS verbal abuse. My husband verbally abused me for years, mostly

because of my ADHD - to be fair to him I wasn't diagnosed at that time -

to be fair to me the things he said were very hurtful and not at all helpful.

[nanners]

Originally Posted by LynneC

I know you have explained ADD/ADHD to him, but ask him to read these essays by member Dizfriz.
They really helped me to understand my child:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130

Thanks LynneC, I'll have a look.

[nanners]

Originally Posted by ginniebean

I don't know what kind of stick it's going to take to cracks his hard nut but one needs to be found for your daughters sake.

agreed...
perhaps I should actually take a big stick and start bopping him over the head whenever he gets going.