Partner does not trust me

[bluewind]

Possible Eating Disorder Trigger





Usually I trawl around for a bit before making a post but since this was a very recent incident, I need to vent and ask for advice.

I've been in a relationship now with this amazing women for eleven months. The problem is that when we started going out I was bluntly honest with her that if I ever started relapsing into the eating disorder I was currently (for the third time) recovering from, that I would do everything to hide my behavior and that I could not be trusted. At the time I figured this was the correct, honest thing to do. I only wanted her to be fully aware of what she could potentially be getting into if things went south recovery-wise.

Since then I have never relapsed but as anyone does when recovering from something, I do have rough points. She is supportive in every aspect but trust. In a way, I don't believe I can blame her for this because I did tell her that I could not be trusted if actively eating disordered. I feel now that such a confession was a mistake.

The other day I came home from work feeling as though I had a fever along with spells of dizziness. Today, I went in to visit my partner at her job and she instantly jumped on me. She set in saying that she knew "what was going on" because she had talked to a former co-worker of mine (also a recovered anorexic) and that she had said my dizziness was because I hadn't been eating enough. This co-worker went on to say that the bagel I had eaten for breakfast was empty calories. My partner then accused me of consuming empty calories even when I "knew better." I honestly do not feel that was what I was doing. Now, my partner is also saying that I haven't gained enough weight in the time we have been together. I'm at a loss for what to do. I broke down and begged her to trust me despite what I had said at the start of our relationship. It kills me that she can't trust me.

She also mentions that she does not feel loved by me which irritates me to no end. Sometimes, she says it so much or the argument occurs so much that I feel like giving up. I've heard of this problem before in relationships where one person is ADHD and the other is not. Is this a symptom of the ADHD (my inability to express myself well) or is there something wrong with me that I cannot show love? I tell her I love her all the time and do little things but she says they don't count because often she asked me to do them. Her thing is that I need to do things she doesn't ask for as she does for me. Unfortunately, I'm terrible at this. She doesn't seem to understand that I am trying. When I tell her that she fires back "what is the last thing you have done for me?" Then, I can't answer because my memory blanks.

I don't want to lose her but I'm afraid I'm pushing her away. Does anyone have any advice?

I'm sorry this is not more ADHD related. If it belongs in another category feel free to move it.

Thank you.

[mctavish23]

First of all, Welcome to the FORUM.

Please check this out when you get a chance :

http://www.greatschools.net/pdfs/2200_7-barktran.pdf?

Beginning on page 20 through page 26, you'll see the explanation for your

question.

First, ADHD delays the Internalization of Language (verbal thinking).

It also delays Verbal Fluency (the ability to put your thoughts together in a

sequence, to describe what you did or meant).

ADHD is a very COMPLEX disorder, that demands you, and everyone else in

your life, really / truly understand it.

Good Luck.

tc

mctavish23

(Robert)

[RedHairedWitch]

It sounds like your partner's love language is acts of service.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

So for her, showing love is doing things. You guys should take the little quiz on that website I linked too (or just google 5 love languages) and talk about this.

If you guys are speaking different languages, you need to come to a compromise on this.

Edited to add: You also need her to educate herself on eating disorders, from good sources, not gossip from other people.

[ginniebean]

Verbal communication can be such a stumbling block for people with adhd. I recommend that you write her an email and have her write you back rather than undergoing yet another verbal onslaught thatbdisadvantages you yet again. If she is not willing to accommodate your deficits then I don't see a way forward.

[Flory]

Welcome to the forums blue...im a recovered anorexic also im not going to talk weights or numbers with you particularly if you are prone to relapsing it's also pretty triggering for me..

i would be completely open, and tell her this is upsetting to you that regardless of you being so honest from the outset she will not believe that you are doin ok at the minute

you've already told her you have suffered with anorexia, as far as weight gain is concerned...she is your partner she loves you etc...but that is quite probably the last thing you want to hear/talk about with her...i dont know if you need to gain or not...

regardless...this is something you must do at your own rate the more people push push push (particularly if like me you are very defiant) the more it can set you back in recovery and make you closed off to them, even if your trying and your not gaining you might start feeling inclined to lie when youve done nothing wrong just to get people of your back..also i know how hard it is to put weight back on ..i don't know if youve tried things like ensure etc?

can you do things to make it blatantly obvious that things are fine...like eating in front of her, leaving the bathroom door ajar so she knows you aren't purging?
little tips like this with you letting down your barriers might increase her trust...but don't let her violate your privacy either at the same time...is a diffcult balance

my partner used to raid my private diaries, go through my phone etc etc..i knew it was out of love but it was very hurtful...when we are ill it is fair to say we tell a lot of fibs about what we've eaten weights etc however when they don't come to us directly and sneak around behind are backs it can be very hurtful indeed...at one point during my very very bad stage he threatened to leave me if i didnt get better....

[PoppnNSailinMan]

bluewind:

Is this a symptom of the ADHD (my inability to express myself well) or is there something wrong with me that I cannot show love?

My partner complains, too, at times, that I don't verbally express my feelings or show my support enough and sometimes seem a little emotionally detached.

[SquarePeg]

I think you need to have a good talk with her regarding your eating problems. You have told her not to trust you which maybe made her feel that she has to become "the eating police" and check for signs that you are lying or relapsing. By saying you are not to be trusted were you actually asking of her?

What do you actually want from her, to be supportive or to take a more parenting role. I know it sounds strange but relationships have different dynamics. each partner taking a different role, and there are many, carer, dependent, leader, follower, passive, parent, child, equal, provider.

I am pretty bad at showing I care, and it means different things to different people. Flowers and chocolates mean nothing to me. If my husband does the ironing for me I feel loved. If he were to hoover and mop the floor I would feel absolutely adored and cherished!!

People aren´t mind readers, and it never hurts to show that you care and that you don´t take the other person for granted.

[bluewind]

Thank you everyone for your advice. We have sat down and talked as so many of you suggested and for the moment we seem to be doing okay. She is going to work on giving me the benefit of the doubt more and I am again going to tackle being a better communicator.

Squarepeg-she has often mentioned she feels like a parent but on the same hand that she doesn't mind it. I try to remember things like eating and medications so she doesn't have to because I don't want her to have to feel like the parent.

PoppN-it's nice to know other people have the same problem.

Flory-First of all, congratulations on your recovery! We go around and around about how recovered I am. Just the other day she sighted my not wanting to eat fried chicken as evidence that I am not totally better. I tried to tell her I just don't like fried chicken but then I got to wondering if I honestly don't like it or if the ED has tainted it so much that it tastes bad to me. I have not tried Ensure yet although it has been brought up by my dietician. Perhaps I should look into it.

gennie-Writing is an excellent idea. I convey myself and my thoughts so much better when writing then I do when speaking.

Redhairedwitch-it's ironic you would bring up the Love Language stuff. I will definitely go check out that link because she talks about it all the time. She says hers is touch. I have to work very hard to be touchy-feely as it does not come naturally to me.

Again, thank you everyone for your advice.

[sarahsweets]

Have you considered therapy as a way to maintain your recovery? This might help build trust

[Spacemaster]

I agree with Ginnie. I have often had to write letters to people, instead of speaking face to face. I have problems remember what I want to say, and in what order.

When face with a two-way dialogue, the other person can bring something up that throws me off of the whole conversation. I forget most of what I wanted to say.

Writing things down allows you to organize your thoughts.

It also allows you to erase something that you may have impulsively said when your emotions get the better of you. You can go back and read your letter, and decide if what you said really conveys what you want to express.

[WyldcatGirl]

First off...from a fellow anorexic in recovery...congrats. I like a couple others here have found writing my thoughts out to be much easier than speaking them. My ever-patient hubby has grow used to my 'books' (as he calls them) which are the lengthy emails I send him when something is bothering me. I'm far better at putting my thoughts on paper (or it's electronic equivelient) than I am at speaking it verbally. maybe you should try spelling your thoughts out instead of speaking them?

[bluewind]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Have you considered therapy as a way to maintain your recovery? This might help build trust

I have but the problem with living in BFE Nebraska is that the only therapists who specialize in eating disorders (I've tried ones that don't and I'm not going down that road again) are over two hours away