Scared of my own potential?

[dyingtolive93]

Hi this is my first post. (Warning very long:/)

First off I would like to say that most people wouldn't even begin to understand why I have anxiety. I am 19 now and pretty much my whole high school career I have been popular. I seriously don't mean to sound conceited or arrogant but I am aware that I am exceptionably handsome, infact I have been considered the best looking in all 3 of my high schools. Next I have always played a sport mostly football so I got a lot of social "points" for that Also. I have had many girlfriends and getting them never seemed to be a issue and still isn't. But putting all that aside I have a serious issue that I don't know how I should go about it, please bear with me because I suffer from it so bad that regardless of how much it seems like I have it all going for me inside I feel worthless... Here we go.

My childhood was pretty much unstable. My mother had me when she was 16 and my father was much older ALOT OLDER.. But my dad is foreign and my mom is from here. I never really lived with both my parents until 10 and they were only together for a short period of time. So here comes the really bad part. My mom had me since I was born and my dad was locked up. My mom had a abusive boyfriend that abused her and me. Also, in our particular area, it was looked down on for a white woman to have a baby with a black man. Eventually due to pressure from her boyfriends family and her own personal issues she ended up putting me in a foster home. It tore me apart. I was there for a year until my dad got me out. He totally took over as dominant authority figure in my life. I was only 6 at the time but all I can remember is that my father was very aggressive and "roughed me up". My dad was a very good dad for the most part he cooked and taught me things that most dads could never teach their sons. I am very thankful for that. But he had and still does have this very bad side to him. He is very antylitical and always worried about looking smart and knowing everything. He forced a lot of things on me and at young age that gave me anxiety problems right of the bat. He would hit, punch kick me so bad to the point where I couldn't go to school, most of the time because I wasn't paying attention (mind you im ADD) or I was doing something stupid or I lied to him about something. I lived In constant fear around him. It was the worst when I was 11, 12, and 13. The worst years of my life aside from when my mom ditched me.

My mother is bipolar and had depression and alchohol issues. I don't have a connection with her whatsoever. I don't have a mother figure in my life. I dot have that feeling of even having a mother. But I don't hate her. She has caused me a lot of emotional pain in the years after she left me becaused she attempted to get back in my life in a half A*sed attempt. She mostly spent time making me feel bad for being alive and saying I'm trying to feel sorry for myself. We eventually overcame this and now we are on good terms but the pain still subconsciously affects me.

Now that that long story was out of the way here's the main problem. Now that my life has been going good for a while because I'm older and more intelligent I can kinda reflect back now. I have learned and understood why those things happen and kinda got over them. And I kinda have a clear path In where I wanna go in life.. Mind you I became mr popular after all this bad stuff happened so my life drastically changed from being a outcast that not even my mom wants me, to a guy most girls want to be around. It happened so fast that I just now realized it. It's not so bad because I never became cocky or snobbish. I was the same me with, or without these perks. But here's the issue, I cannot simply relax. I never could and it is so hard for me. It's like I'm constantly worried that I'm going to get Hurt or miss out in something that will enhance my life or spmething. Next I always worry about being set up or someone trying to sabotage me in someway. I'm constantly on guard because of this. I have feelings of worthlessness around people with more money or higher social status. There's no reason for this it just naturally gives me anxiety. I also cannot practice something I'm good at and really utilize it, I constantly fear that someone is watching or that I'm simply not worthy of what I'm doing therefore I shouldn't continue, it's not a choice is a forced thought. Another is that I can't seem to accept things that I don't have now, but will have later, I'm very aware of this problem yet it takes over by default I don't understand. Another thing is that I'm very intelligent but I lack confidence in what I know. For example I know that I can be confident and not let little things get in my head. But they constantly do and throw me off course so bad, that people think something is wrong with me. Also I have a constant fear of being rejected, denied, killed, dishonored and humiliated. This is the main kicker and it doesn't allow me to concentrate its like a smoothie blended with anxiety, OCD and ADD. Bottom line is that I'm aware of my potential, it's so alive in me that I'm dying to use it. But I'm crushed because it seems impossible, but in reality it's very possible. It's like having a Lamborghini with no wheels.

Sorry this was a book, but I really hope someone can help please. I would be glad to help someone else experiencing the same. I Am a good person and most people see that. So I don't understand why I'm so scared and unhappy.

[SquarePeg]

Hi, It´s a very popular misconception that the pretty, good looking, successful, clever people in life don´t suffer and actually don´t have the right to suffer, because after all they have so much already.

Just because you do have a lot of good things in your life don´t feel that you have no right to feel the way you do. I really think a good therapist (not a counsellor) can help you. You have been through a lot of very difficult stuff in your life and I think you are struggling between what your intellect tells you but what your heart feels.

i.e your head tells you that your mother has major problems with mental health issues, substance abuse etc and isn´t capable of being a "proper" mother to you and that you are better off without her BUT your heart and soul needs a mother´s love. What you know and what you feel are very different and I think that therapy can help you with this.

You are making a life for yourself in spite of your past but the past needs to be dealt with, it´s part of who we are today.

[Subtract81]

Although we share a lot of similarities in our upbringing (unstable childhood to various forms of physical and psychological abuse) we differ significantly in that my parents were together and did not suffer from any diagnosed disorders or substance abuse. From your post it sounds like you have some narcissistic traits and an inferiority complex that stems from abandonment issues with your parents, you most likely have a genetic predisposition to these disorders and considering the environment you were born into it is unsurprising you would be experiencing such symptoms. It explains your need for acceptance and why you strive for status as you believe this will give you acceptance from others. What you need to do is to try and find acceptance within yourself not seek it from others, only then will you truly find peace.

[scrambled86]

Originally Posted by Subtract81

From your post it sounds like you have some narcissistic traits.

I think that's a bit of an unfair statement based on one post. He's 19.

To the original poster, it's ok to feel scared and unhappy even though you can manage externally.

I would echo what squarepeg said and think about therapy to help you deal with things you've been through and manage your life going forward better.

Good luck

[Phoenix Ash]

I truly feel for you. I want to help. You are scared and unhappy and filled with anxiety because that's exactly what your life experiences up to this point have trained you to be. You have issues with abandonment and fear and trust. Given your story, it makes total sense.

Now I'm going to be a bit blunt.

You can live the life you want. But in order to do so, you must, must, MUST get some help. Definitely therapy. Possibly medication as well. Please seek help as soon as possible, and don't stop seeking it no matter what.

I really feel for you, and identify with a lot of what you describe. You've been through a lot. You've had years of being soaked in fear and that really does a number on one's nervous system. The experiences you've had have literally re-wired your body to expect bad things at every second. You're on high alert all the time, and that isn't the way we're meant to live. We're not designed to tolerate that very well.

There are therapies that can help retrain your nervous system, to help it learn how to relax, so that the fight-or-flight response is not always on call and you're not always flooded with anxiety. Medications can help with this, too.

A good place to start is if you google Peter A. Levine and Somatic Experiencing. I'll PM you a link since we're not allowed to post them publicly.

Please get help. This won't go away all by itself. I wish you all the best.

[dyingtolive93]

Thank you Guys so much. I truley appreciate the help. I almost lost hope, you guys showed me that there is a reason for all this, I will continue to seek help, and now I'm able to help others as well. I really appreciated this. Every one of these posts were right on. You guys are awesome .

[kimical]

OMG you sound just like me, lol. Not the childhood part, except I had an abusive dad and 11-13 were the worst for me as well. But I know the feeling of being gifted at something but afraid to pursue it as a career.

I'm going through art school and sometimes painting is hard to start doing but once I start it's difficult to stop. When I paint sometimes I feel like it isn't good, even if people tell me it is, I don't believe them. I see nothing but flaws I need to fix. Everything is a work in progress, nothing is finished. Also, I feel like I am a likeable person, but in my head I always feel like I'm awkward, or people don't get me or I speak in a way that is different than everyone else.

And I hate where I am now, I still live with my mom but in two years I am going to move out, but I am so impatient. I guess the point is to live in the now. Accept life for what it is and don't let things get you down. Practice what you're good at at least once a day. Don't worry about what people think of you. I tell myself this every day, maybe one day I will believe it. :P

[mirandatoritess]

hehehehe too long for me to read but I will finish reading it later but here is my advice:
People who have ADHD often face self doubt due to all of their difficulties of living with ADHD. They become despondent and feel like their efforts are futile due to all of the critisim. (note:many people are not diagnosed until their late teens of adulthood). Hence they go through their life with a sense of undervaluement. For me, although I succeeded in school, I always had my qualms regarding my grades. My test grades were always in the high As but the organization.....lets just say it could use some improvement...no A LOT Continuing, their failures due to a sense of underachievement or stress will cause them to furthur stuggle in school or work. They recieve more critisism and fall into a rut. This continues for a while and the person's sense of confidence falls lower and lower. This is called a vicious circle. Believe me it sucks. Talk to people WHO DO understand and can offer advice. If you know that there is stuff people can do to help, suggest or ask for changes. Don't be afraid to ask.

[dogluver358]

Originally Posted by dyingtolive93

Thank you Guys so much. I truley appreciate the help. I almost lost hope, you guys showed me that there is a reason for all this, I will continue to seek help, and now I'm able to help others as well. I really appreciated this. Every one of these posts were right on. You guys are awesome .

I think you need to work on your own issues with a therapist before embarking on the train of helping others. You can share your experiences with others, but until you work through your own issues I think that should be all. Maybe you can join a support group?