'Men and Women Can't be 'Just Friends'

[Retromancer]

Confirmation of what every young -- and not so young -- man eventually learns. (And what some of us have to repeatedly relearn...) Think you have gotten one step closer by becoming her BFF? Think again.

The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

Men and Women Can't be 'Just Friends' | Scientific American

[sarek]

I don't know why but it seems your link does not work for me.

[Retromancer]

Here try this: http://www.scientificamerican.com/ar...nds&print=true

[salleh]

Well.....that is certainly interesting ! ....great article and I especially like the last thought .....about over-population ..the write has a sense of humor ...not something you usually see in a scientific paper ...

.....Since I have already established myself as a wild child ....I don't feel too weird saying this ...but in my 20s and 30s, back when I lived up in Sonoma .....I had a lot of men friends .....if we were both single at the time, it more often than not, turned into a friends with benefits.....and if one of us got involved, then it reverted to "just good friends" ....

....Now, these were all guys who started off as being just friends for the most part ...although, some started romantically, and ended up as friends ....but I supose that I am more than a bit off norm there.....

.....and I can also say that we all stayed friends in the long run ......most of them probably ended up married ...I don't know, I left in the mid 80s.....but I can say this ....it was fun ...and hurt no one so why not ? .....

.....I think the real question is can you sleep with someone and still be friends ? .....my answer is yes, certainly .....but I also really didn't want to be permanently involved with any of them ......I also think that those men still had sincere and great regard for me .....the continuing friendships prove that .....


....remember, it was a different time back then ......things were a lot looser.....

[PoofenFrau]

This only seems to be about the majority and it doesn't mean that there can't be exceptions. It has to do with how rational one can be about one's needs to feel desired, (which btw is an instict) and how one can get in control of these needs and not act as if there's attraction where there's no evidence for it.

[sarahsweets]

I had many male friends....until I slept with them. Big game changer.

[Retromancer]

It's a two way street of misunderstanding:

Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual.

I don't know how many times I have banged my head (figuratively) in the privacy of my apartment after listening earlier to a female friend giving the "what does an bright, attractive -- and sane -- woman have to do to get laid in this town?" speech. Too often I have I have found myself in the defacto gay male friend role -- which is fine, except I'm not gay.

[demuregeek]

Scientific American can say whatever it likes; I've had several good friends of a variety of genders who I've successfully managed to not sleep with.

[ginniebean]

I don't know what to say retro, sometimes life just sucks. Sorry you're hurting.

[Zevispaz]

That's not true, I have plenty of guy friends.

Guys are just more chill for the most part, and they have thicker skin when I give them *****, so I don't have to worry about hurting their feelings.

Anyway, we've stayed good friends without any complications. We've hung out just the two of us without ever trying or doing anything.

But it does bring up the question. Can two gay guys be just friends?

[Drewbacca]

When I was younger, friends would tend to be friends and girlfriends would be girlfriends... there was some overlap, but very little (for me). I emphasize the *for me* part because it seems like half of my friends ended up sleeping with each other at some point while I would tend to date girls that lived further away and weren't part of my inner circle. The better I know someone, the less desire I have to take the friendship somewhere else.

On the other hand, as an adult, I tend to look at most newish friendships as potentially more... but, along with setting boundaries, that is just something that takes time to figure out.

I do have a few non romantic girl friends where there is a lingering what-if/girl-that-got-away sort of relationship. Those are the dangerous ones, b/c you try and when it doesn't work out, it tends to be an absolute catastrophe.

As for the whole friends-with-benefits thing, I think it really depends on if both partners are really on board with it. Love and attachment can be a tricky dance.

[Driver]

Originally Posted by demuregeek

Scientific American can say whatever it likes; I've had several good friends of a variety of genders who I've successfully managed to not sleep with.

If you'd bothered to read the article, you'd find that it supports the anecdote you just put forward.

[demuregeek]

Originally Posted by Driver

If you'd bothered to read the article, you'd find that it supports the anecdote you just put forward.

I should have known better than to have said anything at all. I didn't want to engage with this article, because I knew it was just going to parrot society's mistaken, problematic, and quite frankly, bull***t ideas about sex, love, friendship and gender. And, lo! It does!

[salleh]

Yah, friends with benefits worked for me because I really really didn't want to get tied down .......I was going to be a famous photographer .....made it a point to fall for inappropriate guys when I did get involved .....knew from the start it wasn't ever going to really work as something permanent......

I had a goal .....and marrying with a house and kids was never a part of that goal .....

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by Driver

If you'd bothered to read the article, you'd find that it supports the anecdote you just put forward.

C'mon now, we don't need this kind of BS comment... you've been around here long enough to know that these threads take on a life of their own. We're in the relationship forum, not the stick-to-the-article forum.

Also, are you assuming that demuregeek is a woman? Because, if you aren't, then I'm not seeing the "anecdote" you are speaking of...