Advice on my 17 year old daughter please

[SquarePeg]

I have posted before here but am still stuck as to what to do. Her brother has just been diagnosed add aged 14 and so have I aged 47.

My daughter is 17. For the first 3 years she didn´t sleep, wanted to be held all the time and screamed the place down. If she did sleep she would wake up "angry". It´s the only word that fit. she didn´t want cuddles, water, changing, play, etc. From the moment she opened her eyes she was angry and cried. She used to vomit readily as well.

She learned to talk at an early age, she had very good language skills, she suffered bout after bout of ear infection and suffered glue ear.

she was always deemed bright both and nursery and by friends. SHe did fine at school. We came to Spain when she was 8.

She had extra help with the Spanish language and maths and seemed to cope well. (I have recently been diagnosed adhd and I did well in the early primary years).

She then struggled with the work (but didn´t tell anyone). Her grades started slipping. Teachers used to say that she wasn´t working in class and always had an excuse as to why she hadn´t done something. This she has always denied. Either she was lying, trying to hide or felt that she was doing her best.

This then led to her developing anxiety, she started getting indigestion type pains and trouble catching her breathe. I knew it was anxiety. During the holidays it lessened considerably. I took her to docs to check it out and physically she was fine. The doc just offered valium which we declined.

She has had private tutors and been to an academy. They all say that she learns well (although her level is behind the expected) and can´t understand why she fails tests. Her teachers all say the same thing, she has a bad attitude, doesn´t care and doesn´t work.

I know this is not true. She has wasted the last four summer holiday´s going to private lessons to catch up, despite this she still hasn´t improved much. Her anxiety has turned to anger, so yes she has a bad attitude, she is fed up with teachers telling her she isn´t working and is lazy and doesn´t care. We have spoken so many times, she is adamant that she doesn´t want to leave school. In Spain if you fail a year to get a chance to retake exams in September. If you fail again you can repeat the year. She has repeated twice and has to leave this year, whether she passes or not. We have talked about leaving, she says if she fails she will go to night school.

When she is ill and I tell her to stay home, she rarely will, she always goes to school and never makes an excuse to try and stay home, even though it´s clear how unhappy she is.

The school are very unhelpful. she has been seeing a psychologist for most of this year for her anger issues and has given up as it hasn´t really helped. she is sick of people telling her not to be so angry.

She hates being the way she is. She is willing to go extra classes, even though they don´t help, she is willing to see a psychiatrist, she goes along with whatever I suggest but it´s not helping.

I am wondering if it can be adhd that was missed in the early years because she was bright and didn´t really need to pay attention or study (like me). She can´t concentrate, she is very impulsive and impatient. She constantly shakes her leg or moves her foot, bites pen lids, nails etc, stares out the window at school. She is immature for her age, a fact which she has noticed herself. She has so many changes of friends. She is shy and not good with groups, she won´t even order a coke from a bar. She can´t read instructions, gets frustrated and impatient that she doesn´t understand things and feels stupid. She does come out with the most random stupid comments at time, that although are funny, are worrying to me. I think she is just blurting out stuff without thought.


Even subjects she enjoys, she now hates, like computer studies. She is learning html and is getting frustrating with her inability to understand or to understand and then forget the next day.,

She is beginning to hate Spain because she feels that studying anywhere else would be easier than here. So I am worried that it starts out as adhd and she now has anxiety and possibly depression looming. She says she feels like taking drugs because she can´t cope.

She has so many extra classes to cope with and I have told her to drop these classes and we will find another way, but she worries and insists on going to them, even though she won´t learn much.

The school counsellor is absolutely useless, suggesting that she has had problems at home. Some of her teachers that are new to her but know her brother say "wow I though your brother was distracted but you are on another level".

I am going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist now as the psychologist is not helping.

Any ideas. Thanks.

[sarahsweets]

Certainly adhd undiagnosed can cause these issues. Self loathing poor self esteem are hallmarks of adhd. However has she ever been tested for learning disabilities? That would certainly cause anger. Is their any mental health issues in the family? Sometimes undiagnosed bipolar rears its ugly head in the teen years. I hope you get it worked out. It sounds like you're doing everything a good mom should do so don't beat yourself up over it. If you weren't doing a good job you would've lost her already.

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Certainly adhd undiagnosed can cause these issues. Self loathing poor self esteem are hallmarks of adhd. However has she ever been tested for learning disabilities? That would certainly cause anger. Is their any mental health issues in the family? Sometimes undiagnosed bipolar rears its ugly head in the teen years. I hope you get it worked out. It sounds like you're doing everything a good mom should do so don't beat yourself up over it. If you weren't doing a good job you would've lost her already.

Thanks Sarah, yes I have depression in my family, I have lost contact with my brother, ours was a somewhat dysfunctional family. He may have adhd and/or bi polar. Mother has lord only knows what, in and out of mental institutions whilst I was growing up. I more or less ran away as soon a I could to escape the madness.

I was also a very angry teen. I will have to see what the psychiatrist says. I feel so bad for her she is trying to be so positive but she rarely goes out and has fun. THanks for your support.

[stef]

has she always gone to school in spain?
what language do speak at home?
maybe its also some kind of lingustic meltdown....

can you get some UK correspondence classes?

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by stef

has she always gone to school in spain?
what language do speak at home?
maybe its also some kind of lingustic meltdown....

can you get some UK correspondence classes?

It´s not a language problem, she has been here 9 years. Her younger brother has more problems with language though. A lot of the time she can look up information in English but she still struggles to concentrate and remember stuff in English.
Like learning html, there are step by step internet guides to learning this stuff in English but she says the language isn´t the problem. She had the option at school of selecting a bilingual program at school so maths and science are in English, but again she didn´t want to. We speak Spanglish at home lol. She often speaks Spanish to her brother. Her friends are mostly Spanish, even though there are some English here she tends not to mix with them.

[ginniebean]

Is it at all possible for her to homeschool? A lot of the make work can be removed freeing her to just learn the required elements. It can work very well for kids who struggle like this.

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by ginniebean

Is it at all possible for her to homeschool? A lot of the make work can be removed freeing her to just learn the required elements. It can work very well for kids who struggle like this.

One of the problems is that I can´t help her now, her Spanish language skills are far greater than mine. In Spain you have to pass every single subject to move onto the next year. It´s pretty tough and means she can´t just concentrate on say, 8 subjects, she has to do them all.

I think she has sct, she is very slow on the uptake, she doesn´t understand jokes in either Spanish or English. She laughs with her friends but she says she doesn´t really know what she is laughing at.

[stef]

you could remind her that not everyone is bilingual at her age
really thats pretty amazing when you think about it.
( i mean , to give her confidence. gosh i wish had some advice...)

I dont have a daughter, my son had some problems in school at one point ( not
add), i was beside myself...

[Phoenix Ash]

Wow, it certainly seems as if ADHD could definitely be at play here. Undiagnosed AD/HD can absolutely lead to the kinds of things you are describing. Sensory Processing difficulties may have been at work when she was little, too... that could explain the symptoms you describe from her babyhood. They could also still be at work but I don't think that would explain everything. When is her appt with the psychiatrist? I would definitely talk to them about both of these possibilities. I really hope she is able to get some help. She sounds like a tremendous kid underneath the difficulties. ((HUGS))