New here.. Seeking Help with AD/HD Partner..

[tidecats]

I'm new here. I tried to find a forum search, couldnt find one. Using my celluar device as my daughter would say. Please bear with me. I need Help.

Background: 12 years ago I was coaching my daughters softball team. I called a timeout to check with one of my base coaches. Then it happend. I saw the most stunning woman in the bleachers. Sadly, I didnt catch her name. Later that night I found out who she was. I didnt see her again for 12 years. We ran into each other told her the story. That was 8 months ago, havent spent a day not thinking she is the most amazing woman in the world ever since. Now I know she isnt only beautiful outside, she is even more beautiful, inside. A heart of gold. Not to be sappy, but I tell her all the time she is an angel sent down from heaven, my saving grace.

As we went I noticed that she is the dictionary example of a "blonde" literally. I have even started collecting stories to make a book or something as a gift. They are Yogi-ism for u that follow baseball and know about the legendary Yogi Berra.

Here we go thru with the background. I started seeing oddities. Like we work less than a mile apart and she would forget to come by. Saying oh mother called Im sorry etc. Then she would turn around and come back if I asked her to. She literally makes me feel like a King, then she can total forget a special date or something. She is so giving with her time she could be a saint. Charitable to a fault. Then can litteral just be gone.

We make plans. I should say she suggest going away for the weekend, then at the last moment. Someone needs something and she forgot and said yes to them. How can a person be so giving and selfish (for lack of a better word)

Her mother finally told me over dinner. She has AD/HD. Please be patient with her. Shes had ruff relationships and it takes patients.

Ive been doing this for 8 months, in the morning, Im the greatest guy on earth, wonderful loving caring etc, by late afternoon. Im an afterthought.

She goes and goes and goes. Works 10/12 hours a day, drives 2 hours, fills her weekend with family events ballgames etc and helping with a disabled niece. Then on the rare weekend we have together. Its like a light switch.. Friday night at 6 to Monday morning come work, its hard to get her off the couch out of bed or out of PJs. I know she is exausted. Its like she goes and goes and BOOM the light switch is OFF and its OFF...

I have tried everything I know to do. Any advice??? I love this woman and she does the nicest things for me...and she calls 3 to 5 times a day.. and can text upwards of 100 times a day... but then its LIKE BOOM....

I even thought omg is she married, cheating etc. I will be honest. I checked up on her after a while and I alway caught her red handed (lol) telling the truth...

Is the typical.. Im trying to be strong. Sometimes I feel like Im living in her fantasy world. I get to hear about all the things were going to do and what its like when were married.. I told her today. I cant even get u to remeber we have dinner Friday night at 6 how am I going to marry you....

Thanks again, sorry I rambled.

[amberwillow]

I think you may find reading the threads useful. Sounds like some more information concerning what can be common experiences for people with ADHD would help.

Your story is heart warming. Sounds like you are both worth every effort.
Good luck.

[Zevispaz]

Well, you have two choices:
* Get used to spending time alone and find stuff to fill your time in the evenings.
* Find another woman.

Otherwise, trying to change her will be like banging your head against the wall. Even medicated, we ADHDer's need our space and downtime in the evenings. It won't change with a new house. It won't change when if you have kids. It won't change no matter how much you show her you love her.

I read this to my husband and he said it sounds pretty close to me. Like everyone gets my best "energetic shiny side" except for him. The only thing he can tell you is to just learn to be happy by yourself. He also said you might want to get used to it because 6 years together and I still haven't changed.

You have to be understanding and know that when she spaces or detaches like that it's just her time for recharge. It's not anything personal against you, or anything that you've done. Imagine if you had to run a race against a bunch of runners, except your lane was always on a constant incline, but you still had to keep up to succeed. You'd be working twice as hard for the same results. You'd be exhausted and worn out when you weren't out running too.

And... crucial advice, and how we make it work.

You have to keep communication direct and open. I don't speak for all ADHDer's but, I have trouble knowing when my husband is feeling upset. If I know he's upset, I am very eager to make it right by him. But first I have to know he's upset. I won't get that from sighs and nonverbal cues. It's not that I'm being inattentive because I don't care, or that he's unimportant, he's the most important man in my life, I just have a million things on my mind and it just doesn't occur to me to look for those signals.

Then when he does tell me he's upset, he doesn't just tell me how he's feeling and then leave me hanging. If he just told me he was upset and expected me to know what to do about it, I'd be in a bit of a panic. More importantly, I would do it again because I'll have no clue what I did, or I'll misinterpret why he's upset. He tells me he's upset and we work on proposing solutions.Make your needs known, or she won't know what you need.

Also, don't expect everything to be fixed after one talk. We need constant gentle reminders. It's not that we forget what you've talked about, it's just that it has a shelf life of a few days before other thoughts have pushed it off the table. Think of our minds like cluttered coffee tables. You put something on top, it's right there in plain site, but then as days pass, it gets covered up by more stuff, falls off, or disappears in the mess never to be seen again. If you reminded us of what was once on top, chances are we'll be like "Oh yeah!", or "Wait, what?". So you have to just keep gently putting it on top of the clutter. If that makes any sense. There's no point in getting frustrated with it either, it only makes us feel guilty (which adds a TON of clutter to the table) and it doesn't solve anything.

Like I said, these issues you have with her will be constant. So I'd sit down and really think about if it's worth it. It's certainly going to be an adjustment for you.

I can tell from the way you're describing though if she makes all that time for you, you're probably the love of her life right now.

[spunkysmum]

Originally Posted by tidecats

I even thought omg is she married, cheating etc. I will be honest. I checked up on her after a while and I alway caught her red handed (lol) telling the truth....

LOL.....where did you imagine she was finding the time for that?

[DvlsAdv0c8]

OMG, your girlfriend is ME....I'm sure my BF could give you some advice if I could get him on here. We've been together for 16 years. I think he would say "Don't take it personally" and "tons and tons of PATIENCE!"

Zevispaz hit all the nails on the head. It took a long time for my BF to realize that I was not ignoring him or taking him for granted - it's just that doing the basic things I need to do just to get through the day sap so much out of me that there's not much left at the end of the day for anything else. And it sounds like your GF already has way more going on in her life than I could ever handle.

"...it just doesn't occur to me..."

Zevispaz, that is the story of my life. I might have to get that tattooed on my forehead as a warning to all who dare enter my world...

We need constant gentle reminders. It's not that we forget what you've talked about, it's just that it has a shelf life of a few days before other thoughts have pushed it off the table. Think of our minds like cluttered coffee tables. You put something on top, it's right there in plain site, but then as days pass, it gets covered up by more stuff, falls off, or disappears in the mess never to be seen again. If you reminded us of what was once on top, chances are we'll be like "Oh yeah!", or "Wait, what?". So you have to just keep gently putting it on top of the clutter. If that makes any sense. There's no point in getting frustrated with it either, it only makes us feel guilty (which adds a TON of clutter to the table) and it doesn't solve anything.

I'll be right back - I need to go show this explanation to a few people, thanks, Zevispaz!

[sarahsweets]

You have to decide if her behavior is a deal breaker. If she never changed a single thing could you live with that?

[RedHairedWitch]

Here's a list of threads worth reading:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=98803


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9767

http://addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=98803


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=85894


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=73780

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...ghlight=corner



Also a couple of great books to look into:

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera and Russell Barkley


Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell A. Barkley



The ADHD Marriage Workbook a User-Friendly Guide to Improving Your Relationship by Michael T. Bell and Trevor Williams


ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says by Russell A. Barkley



And here are some videos that you guys could watch:

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL41716DC5984A9A3C


http://www.caddac.ca/cms/video/teens_adults_player.html

[tidecats]

Thank you very much. Ive read many many post now. This has offered some clarity. I actually spoke with a friend who is a counslor and one of her thoughts is found in the end of your reply.. Let me qualify by saying I am a man without a lot of fears. 2 that I know of. A fear of snakes I cant see, and losing the remote and being stuck to watch Nancy Grace. That being said, my friend asked me are you afraid that in one of her moments of irrational thought that another man may sneak in? I hadnt thought about it, but yes. I think I am. Mainly because I never know where I stand. Well in my mind I dont. Oh and to wrap it up. Not long after I post that message. I got a fedex delivery from her. It was a box of poptarts. My favorite kind. Customized from Kellogs. Her photo, with the caption. Just because I love you and you are so kind and patient (play on the word patient) because of her work. Inside joke..

Thanks again. I do fell some better.

[tidecats]

In those DOWN moments, and all those canceld dinners, dates etc. If it was anyone else. I would have bet she was. She had all the signs. Now, I know more.. Well I know more.

[tidecats]

Thank u all so much, this site has been so helpful. I dont feel alone.

[T-Rex65]

Your description of her sounds very much like me. My guy adores me, gets fed up with me, then forgives me before the evening is over. He has his issues, too, so it isn't one sided. But his faults don't bother me nearly as much as mine bother him. I am very grateful for him, and I try to make sure he knows it...when I'm not inadvertently irritating him with my lateness and procrastination.

We made a promise to each other to always be as honest as we can. That goes a long way to building trust when our neurological or psychological issues create situations that might destroy trust under ordinary situations.

The others are right. Your lady may improve in some areas, but it's unlikely she will change much, no matter how hard she tries. Could the two of you create a happy life together the way she is now? Can she be happy with you as well? Those are the two big things. Be honest, and be realistic.

[Simenora]

The best thing I've seen on here "don't take it personally" We are a lot of fun but it takes a very secure NT partner not to worry what's wrong.thats why I married another ADHD. We get to laugh at an with one another. And if you decide to stay, get used to doing the dishes....Well worth the effort.

[tidecats]

She is totally worth it..

[tidecats]

One further question to all of you. For lack of a better word, does sex sometimes become more of a fantasy? I have noticed she will call, send those dirty little text, be very racy and affectionate in public.. etc

Then its like its over....

Ive started to wonder like, does the adhd cause the brain to get all amped up, really amped up and then, the light switch cuts it off.

Then there are other times I can swear im in the "friend zone", and if I say something like where did "name witheld" she just comes up with what appears to be a reason. Then I get defensive I guess and say. Am I ur friend or what, and she will so and I quote "No, I love you silly, and Im going to marry you" and yada yada yada... is this common also?

But for those that have asked... yes she is worth it, and I wouldnt change a thing..

[Plognark]

Originally Posted by tidecats

One further question to all of you. For lack of a better word, does sex sometimes become more of a fantasy? I have noticed she will call, send those dirty little text, be very racy and affectionate in public.. etc

Then its like its over....

Ive started to wonder like, does the adhd cause the brain to get all amped up, really amped up and then, the light switch cuts it off.

Yes, it can happen like that. I'm a guy, but that's a very familiar state of mind.

The best way I can explain it is like, things that don't interest us are two or three times more boring than they are to most people. At the same time, things that are interesting require twice as much effort to get the same level of enjoyment or stimulation/satisfaction from.

So what you'll see is that new, novel situations or ideas will cause us to fixate. This gets called hyperfocus, but it's not the same as the autism-type hyperfocus. It's more like an intense and consuming interest. It's part of why ADHD people are more likely to become addicts to drugs, gambling, hoarding, games, etc.

The bad part comes in when that new and novel thing becomes normal and routine. It'll seem like an off switch was hit in our brains, and we're just... done with whatever it is. Like, totally done. Zero interest.

That's because at a certain familiarity point the human mind shunts new activities and ideas to different parts of the brain. Out of short term memory and processing, into long term storage. It no longer gives the same little boost of dopamine that new stuff does.

Then there are other times I can swear im in the "friend zone", and if I say something like where did "name witheld" she just comes up with what appears to be a reason. Then I get defensive I guess and say. Am I ur friend or what, and she will so and I quote "No, I love you silly, and Im going to marry you" and yada yada yada... is this common also?

Hehe, yeah, welcome to impulsivity land

As mentioned above, don't take it personally.

But for those that have asked... yes she is worth it, and I wouldnt change a thing..

Right on