yrs of abuse

[SusyQ55]

[b][size=3][font=courier new][color=royalblue]I started using/drinking early in h.s. although I learned smoking in j.h. I did anything that would take me out of the confused hell I was living in with single mom who couldn't stay married. I mixed ALOT of things but by the grace of God never shot up. Missed out on a whole other way of living nobody ever thought to show me & I never knew to ask. Looking back I felt like a snotty tissue shoved in a pocket eventually forgotten. Got cleaned up in '91' & have managed to stay that awy thru an onslaught of medical problems still ongoin. The only times I felt real, 'normal', balanced was when I did speed, coke, crystal.

[bart]

I completely relate to what your are feeling. I started smoking and drinking in High School, though was a very good student and held a full time job while in high school. I caome from a very dysfunctional family and the middle child of 4 children. I have an older brother from my mother's first marriage and 2 brothers, one a year older than me and one a year younger. I am gay and my oldest brother is gay also. My parents were alcoholics. I started using speed a year after coming out and continued to use it for 15 years. I have been clean for 5 years 4 months and have stopped drinking for 17 months. I have had a host of medical problems since quitting drugs, the main one being AIDS. I found that out 8 months after stopping drugs. My health has stabilized now and I am really just HIV positive after taking some 500 pills per month for three years. I was diagnosed with depression shortly after quitting drugs , but continued to self medicate with alcohol until Dec 2001. I ahve been through all the antidepressants with no real releif with the exception of 4 months last fall. Zoloft completely changed my life but pooped out after 4 months. In May of this year my psych. diagnosed me with ADD and put me on Dexedrine and Prozac. I was not sure about giving a former addict speed again since my only drug of choice used to be crystal, but thought about it and said whatdo I have to lose at this point. So I am taking 20mg Prozac and 20 mg. Dexedrine twice daily (40mg. total) Yes I feel somewhat normal now, though the depression is still bothersome. I feel alot better and am able to get a whole lotof things done. I feel like my life is more driven by the Dexedrine than by some newfound elusive happiness as a reslut of the Prozac. The prozac seems to be working a little better each day as I have been on it since April 23. I ahve read that it take a long time to work so I gave it 2 months before I really expected to see any results. It's been a slow crawl out of the pit that my life had become. I don't post alot of repliesbut your thread struck a chord with me and I thought I'd take the time to respond and tell you that we had some similar feelings about the used tissue feeling and only feeling normal when on speed.
Just hang in there and keep in touch, maybe we can discuss some things.
Bart

[joanrdtobe]

Bart -- I'm curious -- now that you've got some clarity...what does "normal" feel like to you? What about you Susy?

[bart]

Normal to me is being able to get a good nights sleep and awake each day feeling hopeful about the day ahead. I woke up about 7:45 am this morning and just sat outside thinking about how I can tell that I am feeling better because I am having these feelings. When I feel normal I am not beaten down by that overwhelmed feeling. I can take joy i things that I normally would even bother doing because of depression. These are things like gardening and doing things around the house. When I feel normal things are clear and I just don't feel that heavy foginess that sometimes clouds everything in my life. I tend to stay away from the bedroom when I am feeling well so that I will sleep better at night. To me that is a key thing, being able to sleep a good night and awake at a normal time everyday, usualll the same time. I can tell that the Prozac is working when my sleep patterns are more normal. I find myself taking control of things in my life rather than being an innocent bystander in it. To me there is a fine line of being in control of your life and just being outside that line of control. My ability to see that line and keep on the good side of it tells me that I am somewhat normal. If I give in to depression and ADD I find myself wandering alone on the other side of that line, living live precariously and feeling out of control of things in my life. Hope that makes sense. I have read alot of your posts and really enjoy seeing what problems other people are having, because it makes me not seem so out of touch with things in my own life. I probably could go on with this but I don't want to ramble. Thanks for your reply.
Bart

[joanrdtobe]

Bart: Great answer....I'm glad I stuck around to read it now(I was responding to another post....a difficult one....while apparently you were writing this)....anyway your answer is upbeat, positive and hopeful....And of course it all made sense....I hope things continue this way for you....

[SusyQ55]

Bart, TYTYTYTY!!! Everything u said. My mind races alot faster than my fingers & as I get older with health issues the body just doesn't move as fast. I like to think I'm a youthful 48 & grateful for the blessings h.p. has given me. I am the youngest of 3 girls with a younger half brother & my next older sister & I r the only ones in our whole family who have stayed connected. We have lived mirror lives of each other cept she didn't have kids, I have 2 sons. She's very conservative where I'm outgoing (mentally if not physically)lol. Will keep u in my prayers!! SusyQ

[joanrdtobe]

Susy - I don't know you or anything but my hunch is that you are a youthful "48" and are outgoing (mentally if not physically) - at least partially because you've been sober/clean for 13 years....that alone improves "things" immensely....does it not? (health issues or not).....So would you care to share what "normal" feels like to you? I would be very interested to hear this..if not, cool.....

[SusyQ55]

Normal to me would b fully mentally & physically healthy. I love being out doors. Not much of a city girl except for dancing, dining, or movies. Not forgetting things, being able to complete someting I start. Getting affection & acknowledgement for intelligence. Having a friend to get together & do things with. But then again, who's to say what's NORMAL, eh?

[joanrdtobe]

Sounds good to me....I was just wondering....as both you and Bart had used the word "normal" in your introductory remarks on this thread....I guess everyone has their own ideas of what "normal" is....I totally agree with yours....especially agree with getting acknowledgement for intelligence....and completing things that are started....thanks