How to...

[E-boy]

What does one do? I mean I fought my way through OCD and GAD scrambled to hold on to my career, and now with one hurdle left, yep the add go figure, my wife is losing patience.

I have to admit it all does sound like an excuse. All I know is I try my butt off. It's getting sticky from gluing it back on all the time!

Lord knows I have done some truly, and spectacularly stupid things in our relationship, and I own those things. But so much of this is so pervasive and I feel like... Well I suppose I don't need to explain the rest. I just wish she understood there was no malice involved. I don't forget with the intention of upsetting her. I don't hyper focus because I think so little of those around me that I want to ignore them.

Alot of the qualities she used to say she liked in me were tied into the ADD just as much.

All I know is I am very tired and I just don't know how you can convince someone you are not doing things on purpose when they seem to want to believe you are.

[Garry]

You could give her my wifes phone number and let them chit chat It might help her to understand the idiosyncrasies that we have

and some of the stupidity and silliness also

Grin

If you wish Id gladly give it to you

just ask if you wish

[E-boy]

I don't know it that is such a good Idea. She would make it a point to itemize my every sin. Some I honestly could not help, some are definitely mia culpa material that I am unhappy enough about without them getting reiterated ad-infinatum. I have a big mouth and have said some singularly stupid and evil things to her.

That was an honesty neighborly thing to do though.

[Garry]

Ill bet we could have a contest as to who has come out with the most stupid crewl and rotten things to say

and Id be as much in the running for being the winner as you

Remeber you dont own the corner on stupidity

theres lots of us who desrve a piece of that corner

[Garry]

My wife acctully comes on here now and does some reading and is now starting to understand that i am not alone in some of the things that I have said and done

[Garry]

acctully I like when my wife brings up some of my stupidity

I really enjoy feeling like an A**Hole sometime because I deserve it (not all the time mind you but it really humbels me at times) and I learn from it

I have always like the expression

Call me an A**hole to my face but be prepared to tell me why

If I dont know whats wrong then I cant fix it

[missing_cues]

good god thank you....I am not the only one who is cheesed off at people because they dont think they cant tell me something honestly...yes, we are hypersensitive and we may react or overreact when things go crappy...but I swear each every time things have one crappy, it has been because someone hasnt just come out and gotten mad at us (people with ADD) and so they think we're stupid just because we cant get a social cue or two but fail to realize that our intuition and gut instincts are what we rely on instead and 90% of the time, my gut instincts have been right....I love that gary...."If I dont know whats wrong, I cant fix it!!!" story of my life....

MC

[andrea76]

This may be none of my business, MC, but were you diagnosed before or after you married? If it was after, I'd hope she'd be part of your Support System.

As for your question, "How to. . . ." you can't teach anyone anything, if they don't want to learn to begin with. Aren't we all stubborn when we don't feel like learning? All you can do is facilitate a learning process.

I think Gary's got the right idea with setting her up to talk with a spouse of an add'er. Whether it be Garry's wife, or someone else; perhaps an email address might be a good way to start. The Anonyminity (sp) might make her feel more secure.

Never forget that there is a thin line between anger & fear and a thin line bewteen fear & laughter. IF you can help her over come her anger, she can identify her fears. . . pretty soon she'll be laughing.

it's just another thought to consider

[missing_cues]

Im not married....I'm single...and pretty much afraid that I am going to be that way for quite a while...I have dilemma which is basically that I get lonely and could use some companionship through the rough times while doing the MA thesis, but at the same time I know that I cant be 100% for a relationship and it would end badly and probably screw up any possibility of progress in my education. Part of the reason I am single, is that I am hypersensitive...I am way more sensitve than any person can handle and ticks me off because I try not to be but that just makes me all the more so....anyway, thats my rant for now...

[fasttalkingmom]

It's interesting for me to hear what your saying E-boy....

Ya, I bug my husband..lol...I'm realizing that in many ways some stuff that bugs him so much about me is mostly because it's about issues he has.....

He needs things to be calm and quiet....
He can't deal with fly at the seat of your pants plans....
Can't deal with people who are stressing.....
Doesn't like a messy house (but does nothing to help me make... the house more pick up).....
Can't handle my energy....
He's very proper like and I'm so not...I got a tattoo on my ankle a couple months ago to mark my turning 40 ! He wasn't crazy about me doing it.....

When we met I was a very different person than I am today (nearly 20 years ago). I was all of 115 pounds and very,very shy. I had no self-confidants and very needy....
Today I'm sooooooooooo not 115 pounds...lol... I'm NOT shy any more, I feel I have alot of self confindants. I'm not needy any more. I'm always doing things to learn more about myself and to inprove myself(like going to school)....

I'm still and more so, of the things he liked about me when we first met. So that's why I feel what bugs him about me are his issues......

He knows I take my meds and try to be a better person by learning more about ADD is to be a better person for myself for him and most important to me, for my girls......

I know this might not help you any, I just wanted to tell you about my married life.... In many ways you sound like my husband and how he thinks I feel about him with the stuff he's dealing about himself.(he's not ADD) I'm working on trying not to call it quits with him....

Paula

[andrea76]

it's interesting that you say that paula,
the whole thing about becoming a different person,

that's what happen'd between me and my ex fiance.
yeah,
but school was a large part of it too!
1) he stopped trusting me
2) he became resentful that school came first.

yeah, that's the whole thing, people need to understand that you can't love anyone until you love yourself FIRST! Loving yourself includes pushing yourself to be the best you can. Including education!

sometimes, i worry that rodd might stop being so patient with me,
but then again, worry causes stress, and stress makes you sick.
perhaps that's why your other half can't stand stress.

have you checked out www.flylady.net?
again, it's all about loving your self first.

hey, i'm my own damned party.

[fasttalkingmom]

No I haven't checked that site out...Thanks....
stress isn't what makes him sick,denial of is illness that's making him sick...

My middle name is worry and that does mkae me sick I'm trying to change that

[andrea76]

fast, that's a bad road to be down,
i'm a case in point.
we're talkin acid reflux, ulcer, migraine ~ not to mention i dropped 40 lbs in the space of essentially a month and a half.
les and i had a bet at one point ~ to lose 5 lbs.
22 days later i dropped 10.
30 days after than i dropped 20.
i went from from 140 ish to 100 ish in a month and a half, and i kept it of for 2 years.
one of my best girlfriends coined it the drugs and alcohol diet.
yeah,
nothing like working 20hr days on MAYBE 2 hours of sleep.

all i can say love, is be careful.
i'm (ahem) happy to say i'm fat again (pushing 145 at 5,4)

just love you, and change what you don't love.
until you love you, you won't let anyone else love you!

[aforceforgood]

Yeah, feedback is important, it's not like anyone TRIES to be an a**hole, quite the reverse, and yet EVERYONE achieves it with spectacular grace on an all-too-regular basis. We often need the objectivity of others to see ourselves from the outside.

As for your wife, sounds like she's frustrated, and needs something to alleviate all that frustration. Check CHADD.ORG for a support meeting near you and get her to go. At the least, she will see that this is real, and hopefully will connect with someone (there are typically non-ADD spouses at these meetings) she can relate and vent to. I'd be very surprised if she couldn't find someone she liked there, the people at these meetings are amazing, wonderful people, and interesting to boot.

Just as a reminder to your wife, in case she's reading this, and this may make me sound kind of dumb, but it took me a long time to realize that love is not just about all those great things that initially attracted you to your mate, true love is loving someone in spite of their faults. We all have them, more or less. People are a lot of work, but what else do you have to do?

Good luck.

[fasttalkingmom]

andrea76 and Force good post...Good thoughts.....your awsome