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Old 04-23-13, 08:36 PM
Lambeau Lambeau is offline
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Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

I've probably had sever adhd my whole life. I'm 38, and finally had a doctor not laugh at me and mark me as a drug seeker this week. I was in treatment for alcohol at 15, was a cocaine user, but have been clean for a year and a half, and was on high dose opiates for back problems for a year, with an L5S1 fusion with hardware 6 months ago, and I am from 300mg of OC to nothing as of two weeks ago. My mother did not believe in psychiatry, and if you needed one, you were weak. I am positive school psychologists told her I had it. She probably told them to "F" off, and my dad was too scared of her temper (she prob had it too) to do anything. I was highly disruptive, violent, had no impulse control, and would say things and do things that kids just don't do. My biggest problem was I am highly intelligent. 156 IQ, tested at 10, 14, and 17, as well as my physical stature (6' and 185 at 13, and hella strong.)

My dad was somewhat violent with me when my switch went off to get me down or in a room, until I struck back, and hard enough that he lost teeth and was dropped on his butt. This is at 13. By the time I was 14, I had broken 4 peoples noses, 3 jaws, an arm, and gave out several concussions. But they always swung first. I could take a punch. Learned that growing up. Fought my much larger brother who was 5 years older than me every week since I was 9. Crazy pain tolerance and chin. I would take one on purpose...sometimes 3 or 4, and boom...kids in the hospital. It just got worse and worse the older I got. I lost a few, but everyone does, and it only makes you a better fighter.

I would verbally abuse teachers, principles, neighbors...anyone. Especially the ones that fought back, because even at 8 I was more intelligent than most adults, and would throw words at them and make fun of them in ways most people wouldn't ever think of. At 13, I would clown them hard. I was also stealing dad's cigarettes, and started drinking at 14. The problem was I got straight A's, gifted programs, top 20% on the ACT in the 5th grade, out of all test takers. Junior high the real downfall started. Grades plummeted because I didn't care about algebra or American history, and went from A's to B's. This was not acceptable in mom's eyes. I was brilliant. Higher IQ than one out of 1100. Just think of what I could do if I applied myself was always pounded into my head. I'd be called lazy, told I wasn't living up to my potential, was wasting my intelligence. Why won't I just apply myself. Then it went to "he must just be bored" and "it's too easy." It was none of that. The classes I did care about (I am a science nerd) like bio and chem, I would read the chapter, and go ace the test. Also had my hyperfocus stuff. Model airplanes. 8 hours straight sometimes. I would paint the parts first. They were as realistic as can be. Video games. I could beat any game, and usually would start, and be on for 8-10 hours straight. Fishing. I could fish for hours and hours and no symptoms.

Then the arrests started. Shoplifting at 14. By the time I was caught, I had stolen over 500 cds and cassettes, and was selling them at school for $3-4 dollars. $1500 in my pocket a few times. It was easy to find an adult that would buy me beer or whiskey for me for an extra $30, especially in certain parts of town. My cousin was with me when I got caught. I ran, he didn't. I would have been fine if he did too. Took the cops 5 days to find me, and I grew up in a town of 20K people. I knew people who had totally absent parents. Took 3 cops to get me down. First one was hurt, but too proud to press charges on a 14 year old for a busted lip, laying on the ground half knocked out.


Now I am smart enough to do what is needed to get through probation unscathed. I had horrible impulse control, but was also highly manipulative, and I complete my probation, and I am released. Sweet. I can drink again. Took a summer job at my friend (and drinking buddy's) grandparents bait shop. They sold beer. We rigged the locks so we could bypass them, and we were drinking a case of beer a night for almost 6 months. My parents knew. After I hit my dad, my parents completely stopped discipline. Missed days and days of school drinking. Would go out on Friday and come home on Monday, drinking, smoking cigarettes, and having unprotected sex with whoever was there that weekend. Easily 15 girls in 6 months. Finally got caught by the cops. This probation didn't go so well. Went to treatment before court, hoping the judge would see that and be lenient. In a mental hospital for 30 days, and I am deemed "depressed" and put on norpramin. How they didn't see the ADHD is beyond me. It's obvious, but my IQ masks it well I guess.

Get home, and mom throws the pills out. Only weak people take meds. No follow up with psych. I do stop drinking for 5 years though. Treatment worked for alcohol, but not for my disorder. The Judge is a complete ***, and gives me the highest possible sentence. Higher than my friend who was driving. After I was read, I violated my probation within ten seconds. "F u you old,wrinkly, piece of s*&t! I'm glad that drunk driver killed your kid!" Yep. I do my research. Knew exactly how to set him off, and he went nuts, and I laughed.

One month later, I was at violation number 12. PO walks in my house, no knock, no warrant. Totally illegal, and I know this, so I am nose to nose with him, chest to chest (was over 200 pounds by now, and crazy strong) and backing him up. Mom comes to the door with a bat, gets between us, backs up, and puts it on the tip of his nose and tells him the next time he comes in like that, he's not walking out. Can you see the genetic component yet? Back to court. We decide a group home, but the judge decides I need 30 in juvi. I'm sure it was from my comment the first day, as I was already accepted to the boys home and was supposed to go that day. Juvi is 3 hours away. Thrown in a cop car, and get the drive to jail. I have a knife in my pocket. Dumb cops didn't even search me. All I thought of the whole drive was pulling it out and sticking that cop in the neck. I reached in my pocket a lot, but wasn't crazy enough to kill.

Breezed through jail. I know when to control it. I would just ride that edge sometimes, but never anything but warnings. Get out, and straight to the home. On a farm, and we had to take care of cows. Yeah...no. I asked for AA as I was going (one positive thing) and was never let in. Access to a gym, so I start lifting, and am benching 275 pounds at 16. Scary to think back to that. Hyperfocus was on guitar, and I wasn't allowed one. Also had a hyperfocus on ladies. I could pull *** like no other. Stacked bad boy. Every good girls dream Now there are no girls anywhere. Nothing to focus on, and it builds up. One day the farmhand who lived on property told me he was going to kick my ***. He was probably late 20's. I walked up to him and said if he touched me he would be carried out in a bag. I am kicked out the next day. For some unknown reason, the judge gives me unsatisfactory release, and at 16 I am now officially an adult, and anything I do is adult court, but no more probation. Weird.

This whole time my high school was supposed to send me my work. They didn't, and I get back and am 17 and asked to repeat some classes. I stay 2 hours extra a day until the boredom sets in. I do advanced algebra, and just write the answers, and of course don't get credit because of no work. Screw that. If it's right, it's right. I miss 7 days, and because of the 50+ days I missed outside of jail, I am booted out. I turn 17, and go take my GED pretest to see what classes I need. They are astonished, and tell me to go take the test. One answer missed. Then I find cannabis.

I am dating a girl I am having unprotected sex with her all the time, 3 years, no babies. No idea how, but that was lucky. I tried "the religious scene", but realized how many people were hypocrites after a few years, I was judged as not being true to my spiritual beliefs because I wore combat boots and flannel shirts (grunge era!) and have hair down past my shoulders (still do) and my ears peirced.

Pot it is! So I am high all the time, and suddenly my anger is going away. By the time I am 18, I am holding down a job, smoking pot every day, doing lsd on the weekends in the largest city in the state, and driving home on Sunday and work again. Factory work. 11-7 am. Perfect for me, since my body has naturally wanted to be awake at night and asleep during the day since I can remember. I excel, advance, get raises, get noticed, but it's repetetive work, which I hyperfocus on still today, and decide it's time to move to the big city.

Not too awesome. I go through job after job, and smoke pot all day every day. Also acid, shrooms, and even DMT when possible. And I am dealing, and making tons of money. So no job is needed. I just hustle, and live life for a few years. Get popped for possession for more than an ounce. Jail overnight, charges dropped, but the hustle is over because I am on the radar, and I end up back with the parents. 50 applications later (small town, everyone knew what I was) I get hired at a factory. Monotonous job. I break the parts record for the machine my first day by 70%. I see things different, and saw how to increase that in 10 seconds. I am still smoking every day, but not at work. I have not had a violent episode since cannabis use started at 17. I move back at 20 after 3 months at this job where I was flying up the ladder. The management asks why I left. Mandatory drug screen. Told him it was obvious that my use did not affect my job performance, and it was none of his business what I did outside of work. I told him I could have passed it with ease, and my point was my privacy.

I now start having very strong feelings about certain subjects. Drugs being one. I was lied to about pot my entire life, and was going to educate whoever I could it was a lie. It helps everyone I know that uses it, and the only thing bad is getting caught. I get a job at a prestigious restaurant, and keep it for 4 years. I am the pastry chef. Monotonous and creative outlet. I don't know how I learned to cook, or when I learned, but I was doing specials from scratch at a high end restaurant and selling out, and also doing all pastries.

And I discovered cocaine. Wow. I can do what I want and need now, without distractions. The self medication works for a while. I am also a DJ, and a very established one. House music. Raves and stuff. I teach myself (hyperfocus) and am considered the top DJ in that area for the next 15 years, and still am. Still a stoner, but now I move to waiting tables because I realize all it is is a hustle, and I hustle tables for the first time at 25, and am lead server in 6 months. I am also DJing in front of thousands regularly. Rock star. What do rock stars do? Drugs, drink, and girls. I am drunk every night for probably 8 years. Not every night, but often enough. And blow.

How am I able to function this way? The self medication is working for now. I get my own apartment, start college...totally different. I start working out, and am taking ephedra based sups every day for 5 years. Clenbuterol too. Stimulants. And college doesn't really care how often you show up, as long as you pass. I start getting into powerlifting. I am benching 500 pounds, which takes 2 hours 5 days a week in the gym, and it's technique, not steroids. Those guys were 185 benching 700. I was 265 and natural. I was playing music 6 days a month, in a band gigging another 2 with them, 15 credit hours, and 20 hours at work. Self medication again works. I am now running the club. I graduate with a 3.7 in Biology with an emphasis on molecular and cell. I decide to go get a Ph.D. Workouts stop, ephedra stops, and I can't concentrate on the work, that a year ago was easy to sit and read. I am doing the music too, and they use it as an excuse to boot me, since my stipend stated I could not work anywhere else. I am now a full on pro club DJ. 6 nights a week, selling pot, and doing a lot of cocaine and drinking.

I am now married, and have no idea how I got this girl. She's normal. Never done drugs. No bad family history. Rich as ****. Not someone who would go for me. I wasn't letting that one go. Not a good place to be with no impulse control. All the drugs I want, so of course I go full blast. I also work in a biochem lab, and the self medication is now doing the opposite, and I am not a good employee. I am doing coke at work. At home. 5 nights a week. Plus drinking on the weekends. The wife is clueless to my past and what I am now. She acts like she doesn't know about the drugs. I am crazy drunk one night and oops. I don't even remember, and either does the other one. I stop drinking to get drunk, because the one thing I value is marriage, and I will never let it happen again.

I now have a xanax script, so coke and xanax is my thing now. I decide to try psych again. I am told I have bipolar, and given ssri's first. One week, and no way. I get wellbutrin, 6mg/day of xanax, and off label use of gabapentin. Don't ever give someone with ADHD gabapentin. My little ability to focus is gone, my creativity is gone, and my switch is way easier to click, and I am not a pleasant person. Of course they totally messed that diagnosis up, and I didn't believe them. I see a urologist and my testosterone is 40. I start gel, and in 3 weeks I drop the gabapentin, freak out on the doc for misdiagnosis, and they say "depression and anxiety" and I stay on the drugs, as well as the coke. I am so nice on the coke. Totally normal. No impulse problems. No anxiety, and no anger issues. I can concentrate on making music, and am signed to several labels. Coke is expensive, the wife knows, and my dad has passed so my family breaks apart. We were best friends the last ten years of his life. I was responsible now, and he wasn't a dick. It was the ephedra and blow, with pot, that made me not impulsive and violent. I have struck 2 people since 15, and both I talked down for 20 minutes before they swung and I put them out. While powerlifting, I trained boxing and Brazilian Ju Jitsu. Learning how to fight actually made me not want to. I was smart enough to know I could kill someone, and would rather scare than hit. It's the drugs. But she's not having it, as when I am off I am all over the place.

We move to her hometown. I do some blow here and there. Suddenly my back goes out, and gets worse and worse. MRI...surgery. I deny myself opiates as MMJ is legal here, and use that, with small amounts of opiates if it's too bad. Never more than 60 5mg oxy every 3 months. I have had 4 friends die from those, so I was using as little as possible. Before surgery number 4, my mom comes out to see my kid for his birthday. I'm having a bad pain day. And my brother, who knows how to push buttons, is here and starts in. My switch goes off for the first time in 15 years. I come inches from beating him down hard. He of course is all "i'll call the cops" bull that he always does when he's about to get is *** beat by me.

My mom is in the back, crying, for some reason thinking I threatened to beat her up. Never happened. I ask my wife to drive that car, and I drive mine with my kids home, and I apologize a hundred times, while they are still in on me. This is my first almost physical altercation started by me in 22 years, but they all think I am like this all the time since I was as a kid. I offer to leave so she can spend time with my kid. She just keeps going off. asks my wife if I beat her and the kids. I tell her I don't beat mine like they beat me, and she is in total denial that my dad ever laid a hand on me. Now I'm mad. She starts in on the God stuff. I am an athiest, and let her know, and let her know with no control over my words, and of course she starts screaming about her son going to hell, and they finally leave, lying to my 5 year old about why they are leaving. He is crying like I have never seen. I call and tell them if they are going, they can come back and take his gifts too. She calls and starts in again. I tell her she is severely depressed (she has been since my dad's death) is in a horribly codependent relationship with my 43 year old never lived anywhere but home brother, and unless she gets help, she isn't allowed to see my son or daughter ever again.

My brother calls and starts in on my "functional" drug addiction. I tell him he's 43, less social than most people with asperger's and that if he calls again, I file a restraining order I take what I am prescribed, and no more. I hardly smoke cannabis anymore because it doesn't mix with opiates well, but the opes do wonders for my concentration, and I am writing the best music I ever have, and doing great with my wife and kids. Just in pain, but after 4 years, it's not as annoying. I decide on a fusion to finally fix my back, and I am at surgery 4, and am on 36mg dilaudid, then post surgery 36 mg dilaudid w/40mg oc BID. I am highly tolerant, and don't feel the meds, but don't feel the impulse **** either, and I am now clean from blow for 6 months, and am not drinking at all, but by surgery I am full on dependent.

After surgery, I am doing everything right. It's the meds. I am on 20mg diazapam (4 years now) flexirill, and opiates. I am doing all of my physical therapy. I get stuff done. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, kids stuff...all of it. I start liking it, and it's going in my nose. I try heroin. Jesus...I'm not that dumb. I 180, and I start a hard wean. Post surgical dose to zero as of 2 weeks ago. 6 months. No one else in that clinic (surgeon and pain guy in the same office) had ever done it. I was dope sick hard for 2 months. On my own. All of my motivation to do regular things is gone. I hyperfocus on music, fishing, getting my adhd under control, and growing cannabis. Nothing else gets done. House is a clutter. I can't ever find anything, and I am late everywhere. A couple street bought bupes and methadone for out of town shows during the wean helped, but nothing now for almost 2 weeks.

I am not motivated at all, am moody, anger easily, distracted easily, daily tasks are not done, I lose things all the time, am always late, forget something every time I leave the house and I am surprised I am still married. I am looking back at my history, reading stories, taking online tests, finding sights like this,and I am convinced I have, and have had adhd since childhood, and that my mom was told that, and did nothing for me. We haven't spoken in almost a year. It's on her. She denied any physical abuse from my father. She asked my wife if I beat her. I am the only one in my family that is somewhat stable. Little brother is in prison for sex assault. Sister is with the first guy she met, and gets married without inviting my mom. The year before, my mom was in chemo, and I went back every 2 weeks all summer, an 8 hour drive each way, and my sister, living an hour away, doesn't come once. I put so much effort into her, and she can't handle my first extreme anger issue in 23 years. Somehow the married guy with two kids and attempting to have a normal life because I realize I have a mental disorder is the one that is the bad one. Not the rapist brother, selfish sister, or overly attached older brother. She calls, but I don't talk. She has my terms. Get help, or never again. I refuse to have my kids have my childhood and lives ruined by her like she did mine.

I finally got to a doctor that would listen to me about my adhd. I emailed several. All I ever got was "we don't work with substance abuse patients." I'm clean. On my own. Cannabis at night to help me sleep, and that's it. I get to the doc, and he gives me IR Tenex, which, with my first dose, makes me pass out 10 minutes later. Kids are late to school, new dog craps on the floor, and I am all kids of wobbly. I have to take this stuff 3 times a day 1 mg each dose. I tell my doc the times I had successful times of my life, I was self medicating with stimulants. The ephedrine I didn't even realize, it was just chance coach put that on the "what you eat" paper, and I was in undergrad. Probably lucky I had it. I have taken adderol several times. I feel normal on it. He was not wanting to prescribe the stimulant with the diazapam I take for cramps.

He said the depressive and stimulant together were not safe. He's willing to give me something that acts along with valium and flexeril for cramps, both being downers, and adding another downer to the mix is worse, but because of my "past drug abuse" (I call it use. Abuse and use is different, and I wish docs knew that. Why is a glass of wine not abuse but a bowl a day of much safer cannabis, or a couple lines on the weekend abuse?) and no stimulants yet. What do I do? I have 2 kids to take care of. I didn't even use my back meds this morning just in case. I took my second dose a couple hours ago and am wobbly. I know stimulants work. I took them for my competitive power lifting through undergrad, and aced everything, and payed attention. Coke use in old city made me a hell of a lot better musician than I am clean. I still have hyperfocus issues. I can fly fish 12 hours a day for a week and never get bored. I can take an hour making sure the 20 seconds of a 6 minute track are perfect.

I also now have OCD issues. I can only eat or drink certain foods. Every day I eat the same things. Maybe 5 foods and 2-3 drinks. Weird stuff too. Bacon bagel sandwich every day. Coconut water every day. Lifesavers gummies every day. Chipolte twice a week. If you put a filet and lobster tail, and a bacon bagel sandwich in front of me, you just wasted a steak and lobster. If food is in the sink, I freak out. DVDs are in cases or the player, or I freak out. I have told my wife these two things, and these two things only can never happen.

Never food in the sink, and never DVDs that are purchased out of the case. I come home and weekly she throws plates with food in the sink, and I freak out. I came home with a blue ray case on one side of the tv, the blu ray on the other. Flipped out on her. And lights. I am always turning off lights. If she goes to bed and I am downstairs working on music, every light in the house is on.

I am obsessed with religious documentaries . I have extremely strong feelings on religion, politics, counterculture, what is mainstream and what isn't, drug legalization, gun rights, the penal system...to the point I get into screaming matches with people. I

So now I have anxiety, add, and ocd, and the first doc to listen puts me on an off label med that isn't approved for adhd, and put me out, when I can stay awake on 10 mg of ambien. This is why I self medicate. Because when I do, I get **** done, and am a nicer person. I discovered amphetamines recently. When I do them, I am an attentive, hard working, and much happier person. I know what I need to be normal, but because I did coke, even though I have proof from opiate contract drug screens I was clean, and I weaned MYSELF off opiates with no help from anyone, that I am not seeking drugs.

I need to educate people on drug use and abuse, and that there is a huge difference. It doesn't take a doctor to make a drug "not abused." It's about how and why you use it. I feel like I am wasting my time with doctors at this point. They barely listen, and they always give me off label treatments that are that for a reason...they don't work. He was trying to talk me into telling him I am impulsive and aggressive, and I am not. I am just a space cadet. I can't finish any music I start, I haven't done physical therapy in months, my OCD is getting worse, and I am scatterbrained. I have my impulse control under control 99% of the time.

I don't do any drugs but cannabis at night to turn my brain off from the racing thoughts that are never ending, and stimulants like adderol or dextroamphetamine (the best!) when I really need stuff done. Meth has come into my life too. I can do a significant amount, and fall asleep in a half hour, and the person next to me, who is a lifelong user, does the same and is up 14 hours. It makes me normal. I hate drugs, but I hate myself right now, and if amphetamines work, I want them. I have a pain doc to back me up that I am not drug seeking, or an addict, and can obviously control myself since I don't drink and my wife's family are rich, high end alcoholics, and I am around cocaine all the time and say no every time.

I am about to say the hell with it and start self medicating so my life is normal. How do I get this guy to realize this has ruined my life since the age of 7, and I am convinced that if I had help at that age, and gotten the right drugs, I would be a doctor. Ph.D, Engineer, or something high end making money, having a great, happy family, not angry, had never spent time in jail, and would have never done any of these drugs I have over the years.

I'm scared I am going to go off on my doctor the next visit. I schooled him on receptor agonists, and his reasoning behind no stimulant with valium was not based on scientific research, and that amphetamines block dopamine uptake, and even change synapse size and push more production, along with slight reuptake of norepenephrine blocking, and valium is a gaba agonist, working on an entirely different system.


They give cocaine and amphetamine overdoses IV xanax first thing when you get in the ambulance or to ER. I know this stuff, and well, and doctors are always taken back. I chose my own dose and type of pain med because I knew how they worked better than he did. I know neuropsychopharmacology better than the psychs do, and I don't think the understand it's my education and intelligence, and not me reading up on what drugs to take or not to take or what will get me high. I can make one call and have an ounce of 90% pure methamphetamine in 2 hours. And for cheaper than a doc visit and a pharmacy. Last one before this I told I though I had that, he said he believed I didn't have it, but would give me straterra, and thought I needed ssri's. Done 4, not what is wrong, and they make me worse. I said no, and he said his only choice was anti psychotics and schizophrenia meds. Jesus...how unethical can a doctor get. I never trust psych, but I know I need one. Self medication is expensive.

I know what I need, but ask for it and I am a drug seeker. I have several friends that have 30mg BID addy scripts that don't need them, 8mg xanax scripts that don't need them, and get loads of pain meds and sell them, and me, a person who has had this since 8, and it is obvious looking back on my life I did have it, and the only positive points in my life involved stimulants, even though I was using them for competition or recreation, and am able to get off opiates of that dose that fast to prove I am not a drug seeker. How much more frustrated can I get before I realize I am so much more highly intelligent than these docs that it's best I find a a street source of adderol or high quality meth, **** the doctors, and do it myself. I obviously know more psycopharmacology than they do. I'd probably be better off I did.

That's my intro. Sorry about any language, but people who swear on the reg tend to tell the truth more, and I just type what I think. Anyone else where I am?

Last edited by meadd823; 04-24-13 at 06:37 AM.. Reason: Paragraph breaks in great wall of text
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Old 04-24-13, 06:36 AM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

I once was except the music parts = I was lucky and found a doc who actually prescribed according to my self medication preferences

At the time of my first appointment I had been two years completely clean and off every thing including pot.

For the record I take Adderall with xanax and have no problem with the two mixing.

Oh and paragraph breaks in the future please - Several people wanted to read your post but could not because it was one huge wall of text.

Leave it to the unmedicated dyslexic moderator to get through it - I added paragraph breaks to your intro so other people can now read your post as well.
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Old 04-24-13, 10:32 AM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for posting some of your story. I actually did read it all out of curiosity and fascination...like a good book you can't put down until finished. You've been through so much, and have a wealth of knowledge in many different things. You probably get so frustrated with doctors because you are smarter than them....I'm not sure if you stated this directly in your post, but that's one continuous thread I gleaned, and you probably feel the same way even if you didn't.

I think there are many here, myself included, who could benefit from your knowledge and experience. I hope you continue to participate here. We are all unique, yet struggle together. Thank you again for deciding to share, and welcome!!
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Old 04-24-13, 12:13 PM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Welcome to ADDF, I somehow managed to read through your whole post but don't remember much of it
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Old 04-24-13, 12:20 PM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Welcome!

Thanks for sharing all that. Wow.

It's frustrating if you know more than someone who's supposed to be the expert, and doesn't recognize/acknowledge what you do know.

I truly hope you're able to find a path forward that's best for you and your family and find a decent doc that will work with you.
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Old 04-24-13, 06:12 PM
Lambeau Lambeau is offline
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

I am Sorry. That hyperfocus kicked in, and I just couldn't stop. I am usually the English Nazi, and I go over everything I write to make sure the English is PERFECT. This was the first time I have told this except to the two psychiatrists, one that laughed at me, and the one that didn't laugh at me or call me a drug addict this month. He sort of didn't call me a drug addict. Hopefully I am slower in my future posts. Just kept coming out, and I didn't realize I was breaking my own OCD rules on English. Hyperfocusing on getting it out of my head beat my OCD! I just read it right now. If I would have read it without the breaks, I would have tried to get in and edit it to perfection, probably spending 3 hours on it.

It was a huge release for me though. Of course the docs don't know about the few times I have had dex or addy or meth, and I will never tell them. I have not used these drugs to get high, but to slow down and get my life in order for the few hours I have with them. Cocaine use that stopped a year and a half ago with no help, and a solo opiate wean the likes the world has never seen, as well as zero alcohol use. I have also had drug tests confirming no illicit or legal drug use per my pain management contract (except cannabis...saved my life, and neither illicit or illegal) and he still brings up "past drug abuse." I have 150 norcos in my cabinet right now, and no interest in using them. It's hard to be honest with doctors these days. Except my pain doc. He knows I am not seeking. He said he would talk to any psych about it I needed. The current doctor said he "trusted" me and didn't need to talk to my pain doc, but still went off label and risky because of past drug use, and either lied about his concerns I would abuse uppers, or has no business being in psychiatry because of his lack of knowledge of the interactions of benzos and script uppers, and the dangers of 3 CNS depressants at once. I am sure he had no clue I would school him on it, and I could tell from his stumbling over his words at the end. You can't outsmart the guy who knows everything about psychopharmacology. The first thing I told him was I had a high IQ, was highly intuitive, and had a biology degree with emphasis on cell, molecular, and biochemistry with a 3.7 at graduation. He should have maybe had a clue he couldn't get one past me. He'll probably get an earful, along with some NCBI papers in his hands at my follow up. I just know stuff. I don't know why or how, but I do. And I know when you are lying. I always know when someone is lying. My poor kids

I hope that all of you can be as helpful as you are expressing I can be. I don't see it though. Too much fog I went over this at least 20 times. It should be mistake free.
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Old 04-25-13, 04:09 AM
Themadcat945 Themadcat945 is offline
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Well, you write about as much as I do I just wanted to say that I have quite the life story also, and certain drugs can have a lot worse after affects than tested drugs, I hope you find what works for you tho.

Sometimes people go through 6 SSRI's or 10 ADHD meds before they find the one that works for them, its just the biochemistry.

I have an IQ of 198 and am a member of MENSA. I run into competitively questioning people what they are doing often like yourself. Also, being high IQ doesn't mask ADHD, ADHD/ADD are actually very well known to have high IQ.

I also run into that with doctors. My heart doctor is ranked pretty high up there, and he's a good doc, and he's the only board certified, clinically trained Electrophysiologist in 100 miles of me,but I have my own theories to question his, for example, I was prescribed zoloft by my GP, he's board certified also. I asked him "Are you sure I can take this with my heart condition?" he said yes, I then asked my heart doctor himself, and he said yes also.

Now, I suffered from sudden cardiac arrest in 2008, was clinically dead for many minutes. Doctors said they couldn't find out what it is, but that I have an electrical issue of my heart that when adrenaline for any reason happens, the signals have a chance to become unbalanced and put me into that same condition again. I was put on beta blockers as well. So I had started to question it all because tho my heart doctor said it was on the electrical problem with my heart. I question that most electrical problems are caused by long QT or torsades. Zoloft can cause long QT, and also.... when read in depth this is a direct copy/paste from the National library of medicine.

Sertraline is a commonly used antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) class. In these experiments, we have used the whole cell patch clamp technique to examine the effects of sertraline on the major cardiac ion channels expressed in HEK293 cells and the native voltage-gated Ca2+ channels in rat ventricular myocytes. According to the results, sertraline is a potent blocker of cardiac K+ channels, such as hERG, IKs and IK1. The rank order of inhibitory potency was hERG >IK1> IKs with IC50 values of 0.7, 10.5, and 15.2 M, respectively. In addition to K+ channels, sertraline also inhibited INa and ICa, and the IC50 values are 6.1 and 2.6 M, respectively. Modification of these ion channels by sertraline could induce changes of the cardiac action potential duration and QT interval, and might result in cardiac arrhythmia.

which makes you want to ask yourself, how are these heart doctors that are making 400,000+ able to not see some facts sometimes?

------------

Also about your story, I too am very anti controversal, never take the first swing, and have had 14 years of muay thai kickboxing as a form of self release and defense. In highschool I took all the random pushings and throws down flights of stairs and got back up from each one of them, I was skinny in highschool, I was 114-125lbs and 5"9, I had people that were 200+ lbs on the varsity football teams taking full swings at me and having nothing happen, not only was I tolerable to pain, I just had a little area where I bottled each one of those punches that I got from the bullies every so often.

One day, the guy who shall not be named, but he was a 6"1, 230lb guy that benched around 400 and was on the varsity wrestling team and football team use to find it hilarious to shove me around and be "that cool guy" around his 6 other jock buddies, Well one day he had me shoved up against a locker, was trying to choke me and I was just laughing at him, he dropped me and said "you think that's funny?" I had SO much adrenaline hit and all the rage from my childhood, my abusive step father, my mentally degrading mother and both of them were physically abusive too.

I blacked out, and let all of that anger/rage/pain out. I swung, and swung, and swung. I had no training whatsoever at that time, I was that "twig scrawny little guy" and always got made fun of for it, and 30 seconds into it I was ontop of him and his eyes were rolled in the back of his head and I kept going, all that anger from being picked on and just "dealing with it bottled up" and then going home to be degraded again finally came out, I stood up. I got suspended, and he went to the hospital with 8 fractures and was missing 4 teeth and was completely out of it when the ambulance came. Was I proud of it? No, I hate violence, but people finally left me alone after I defended myself.

My older brother lived by the lifestyle too, he worked out daily, thought noone was stronger than him. Was constantly a jerk to me, picked on me, made fun of the things I liked being ADHD, Everyone was beneith him, he was a womanizer too, ignored his kids, benched 450 and was 186 lbs.

I also laid him on his butt too when he physically came after me and my adrenaline went back up again like it did that time in highschool, my flight or fight mode hits HARD under those circumstances. When I feel no escape I black out hard and I just get these heightened senses and I take in my surroundings and fear for my life and that amplifies my strength and perception like 20 fold. It's almost like hypomania and Euphoria at the same time.

Music was my hyperfocus too, it's what's kept me away from people that will lead me into trouble. Also, on the topic of pot, it had the completely reverse effect on me, I was diagnosed with extreme ADHD when I was 2 1/2. I was continued with further diagnoses all through my adult years, Severe ADHD, a bit of ODD, and now a high bit of anxiety and agoraphobia.

Like my older brother, he did pot once, it brought on full blown panic attacks, which continued after he stopped, and it's been proven to be linked with that. Now I do believe in it's medicinal uses, I hate seeing people abuse that tho, which people can almost get it as easy as antidepressants, it's handed out like candy. The "weed" smokers I can't stand are the ones constantly bragging about 4:20 and how high they are, that's not someone who wants to get better, that's someone who likes drugs and wants attention.

Anyways, like many others said, your post was like a good book, once you start reading you can't stop, I hope you find what you are looking for in your journey
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Old 04-25-13, 03:10 PM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Thanks Themedcat945! I wish you would have had my father in law as your EP. He is one of the best in the US, and I worked for him the brief time I was not either recovering from, or getting ready to have back surgery. He pioneered cryo balloon ablation, and has been in several medical journals for his innovations in EP cardiology. It seems our rage is a little different, but I am impressed in your ability to defend yourself from such large people. I was big, and my ability to hurt people was concise and controlled. The only thing that was. I knew exactly what I was doing at every moment, never blacked out, and was fully aware 3 moves ahead. The few I lost were not complete losses. The other guy usually had to get medical attention too, but I was never knocked out, just out gunned a few times. Some of the wins though...devastating. I feel bad about a few of them now. I can't imagine having my jaw wired shut for 3 months at 14 as some of my victims had to do. Getting training in fighting made my urge to fight go away, along with the cannabis. It does have totally different effects on people, and has been linked to a higher chance of schizophrenia in people who are genetically predisposed to it. It is too easy to get here as medicine, but now it is legal recreationally, and the heads can have it. I only use at night, with my kids in bed, and stuff that I have grown so I know what has been put in it. When I first blew my disc, I was unable to walk without cannabis, and used it for pain for 3 years before it got to be too much and had to switch to opiates. Off those now, and using Lyrica for the nerve pain, which is working great. My suggestion of course. I was never even considered to have had ADHD growing up, as I grew up in the 80's, and it was medical knowledge that people with high IQs were not able to have ADHD, which has been proven otherwise since. I just never thought of it because of my stimulant use over the years. It was blatantly obvious when I began to read up on it, as some of my musician friends who are younger were telling me about being treated since childhood, and still being treated as adults. I don't even think the medical community had an adult ADHD diagnosis 10 years ago when I went through the SSRI phase that ruined a good part of my life. I just want to be normal. To remember to do the dishes, not yell at my kids, and have my wife not want to leave me every other week. It's a constant struggle knowing you have the potential to be a highly successful person, and the thing that is holding you back, and has held me back for 30+ years was treatable the whole time. The only thing I can do now is move forward, try to get someone to get me the proper medication, and find a councilor who can handle me.
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Old 04-25-13, 06:03 PM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Lambeau and Themadcat: I too share some commonalities with you in regards to school and especially fighting! I'll share some of my story: I discovered about 5 months ago that I have had ADHD my whole life (I'm 42).


I too was drawn to conflict and fighting. My brother (11 months older) and I fist fought daily from age 8 up to about 17. I fought in school K-12, bar fights after that, fights in the military, then started Karate and fought there for 13 years, it helped tremendously to have a socially acceptable way to fight, plus I learned so much about self control and fighting. A brief story about myself.

I got in trouble from day one in school, always in the principals office, always the one disrupting class. Defiant, obnoxious, funny (class clown) etc. I fought most of the guys on my football team from time to time. Loved getting my *** kicked as much as kicking ***. I too never started a fight (physically) I always liked getting hit (I guess it's the only way I can truly focus and feel alive) I would have probably done the whole MMA thing had I been a little younger, and my wife not so vehemmently opposed the idea. She hates fighting, obviously opposites attract!

In high school I got in alot of trouble, ended up getting suspended for 30 days and just went ahead and dropped out my junior year. Then I went to junior college, eventually stopped showing up regularly until my grades slipped to where I had academic suspension. So it was during Desert Storm, I thought Hell, I'll join the infantry so I can go get in the sh*t! (even though my scores were high enough to have any job in the military!) Well, the "war" ended while we were training in Germany.

Then it was peacetime Army in Germany in a bureaucratic nightmare or horrific boredom. I did what any gung ho self respecting ADHDer would do. I got into as much trouble as possible. Got arrested by the Polizei! Got into bar fights, brawls, fights with other soldiers, broke stuff, cussed out my sgts, etc, etc. I didn't quite make it to the end of my meager 2 year enlistment before I told them to get me out. They agreed! There went my college money!

So I went to college with new motivation, it took me about 5 years total but I managed to graduate! Many job changes and other drama and turmoil followed. My girl stuck with me through all the sh*t. I had a baby girl, that changed me alot, I've tried hard to be "normal" but it hasn't been easy or all that successful. Sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and destined to fail. But I can't ever see myself being like all those other boring middle aged suburbanites! I refuse to go quietly into the night!!!!! ***** You ADHD!!!
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Old 04-25-13, 11:56 PM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Well just as the saying goes, this world was built around neurotypical people, much like how a dwarf has to get a stepping ladder to get groceries or a cup from their cupboard, we approach things differently. In the neurotypical world of people they have built their world and planning and execution based on how it is normal for them. It's not that we can't solve their equations, or problems, we just do it differently.

Just remember that Einstein also had ADHD (supposedly) or differences in neurological paths, much like how Autistic people are very smart. It's just in the world we live in, we are considered "learning disabled" where it's only a disability because we learn differently and have different cognitive/congnition pro's and con's than the normal neurotypical people. as I told others before, we're just fine the way we are we just need some meds to function better as far as focus and other things.
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Old 04-26-13, 01:37 AM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Wow. This sounds a lot like my life: not exactly mind you, but very similar.

I didn't even know what ADHD really was till a few months ago when I asked my regular doctor if it could be what I had, completely on a whim. He tested me for it and said he suspected I had it, then told me he would try Ritalin and if it worked, I had it, if not, then I didn't.

Boy it worked and then some. Leave it to my incredibly smart internal medicine doctor to figure out something that several psychiatrists couldn't. I had been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ocd, bipolar, you name it. The one thing they wouldn't even consider or test me for was ADHD - and of course that's what I had all along.

He went on to tell me that I don't actually have those other things and that ADHD was causing secondary symptoms like those things. It makes a lot of sense when you look back at it with new knowledge. Hindsight 20/20 right? For instance, you can seem like you have social anxiety because of a learned response from social interactions with undiagnosed ADHD, without actually having a true, pure case of anxiety.

Anyways, after years of being on SSRIs, SNRIs, benzodiazepines, lithium, and even testosterone, none of which worked at all (and my doctor told me that benzos aggravate ADHD, keep that in mind, they make you forgetful), I finally got my first taste of a true medical stimulant. My life has finally started to progress and it is wonderful.

My advice to you is to find a new doctor and don't bring up that you have used illegal drugs or pills off-label. Just start fresh. Skip the psychiatrist and go to your normal doctor if that is still possible, or start seeing a new one but don't jump right into the ADHD, wait a few months for them to get to know you (a year would be better but that's a long time when you need treatment). Be as honest as possible with everything other than your drug usage. Even if they know you really need the stimulant they won't give it to you if they know about the drugs. If the doctor is unwilling to treat you or sends you to a psychiatrist, find a new one that actually cares. You might have to go through several to find a good one.

I used to use many other substances to self-medicate without knowing why. Since I started Ritalin IR I don't really care about them anymore. My doc gave me ambien for sleep too since I also had the racing mind at bedtime. It's quite the dream team combo for me. Going without booze, benzos, muscle relaxers, or w/e is a great feeling.

Hang in there, I was in the same boat in a lot of ways. With a doctor that actually cares about you and is willing to give you proper treatment you can pull through. It is never too late, and you are never too old. Your life can only improve after.

Last edited by APSJ; 04-30-13 at 06:52 PM.. Reason: Edited to conform to guidelines.
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Old 04-30-13, 07:49 AM
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

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Old 05-02-13, 09:09 PM
Lambeau Lambeau is offline
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Re: Years of misdiagnosis and parental denial!

Get a doctor if you are in a MEDICALLY LEGAL state and have a discussion. I encourage you all to look into herbal and alternatives to the crazy drugs that they give you for stuff that is magical to most.

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