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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 05-20-13, 11:22 AM
RaSpade RaSpade is offline

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Conciousness of me

I am guessing that after youíre done reading this most of you probably thinking why I am crying and ******** about my problems in life and being emo. Before you make these assumptions, I am not I just telling the events and speaking my mind about things. So here it goes. For some people itís just a big gag to them. Unlike most people that learn simple things easier and faster, I canít learn it fast as I donít know about it first. Like if I donít know that simple idea or method most people tend to judge me that I am some sort of a retard or an abnormal person and they get away from me and crack some jokes on me. I mean of course actions describe a part of who you are. If you shot a person in the head then youíre a murderer. If you steal money from the bank youíre a criminal. Of course they are reasons behind these. What if people actually donít know what they are doing is wrong?

According to some sources most people can learn social skills very quick. But for some people like me it takes me more time to learn that aspect. And since I lacked that aspect I have to go through this cycle of pain and ********. Since I am a very impulsive person people have tend to misunderstand or that I have said mistakenly. I do thinks fast without thinking of the consequence. I tried to think more than I talk but if I do then people are going to say that I sound slow. Interrogating me questions whether I am high or what not. And even when I try to put on a poker face and try to have the same demeanor as them or better yet a normal demeanor. But itís still didnít work or anything. Now I am over with the High School ******** because of the fact itís not worth to try hard to be a popular person in school because mostly the reason why people are popular is because they share the common interests and subjects. But I am still lost and donít get what the hell is wrong with me (this is before I went to Malaysia).

Itís gotten worse when my grandma passed away. Thatís one of the first painful feelings that I have. I didnít really know how I felt.

So I told one of my family members from the maternal side in Malaysia. He began to tell me that I have this ďADDĒ disorder (not saying it as a bad thing but it does give me more extreme challenges in life then people who donít). I really believed in that because I shared almost all of the symptoms for example, getting ****** and frustrated so easily, having difficulty of focusing, zoning out, Anger outbursts ,racing thoughts in my mind, easily distracted etc. The symptom that I really hate the most is struggling to complete a task even if itís ďsimpleĒ. So after summer school and graduation I arrived over here at Malaysia to better myself. I was taking social classes to learn social skills and such, still am. I really thought this will be easy but I was wrong.

I have hangout with people that I have known since I was a kid over there. They still havenít changed a bit ever since. But I am not going to inform you about what happen back then when I was a child since it would be too long. So back to topic, everything is going great until that one night. So some of my friends (Or ďno longer for that matterĒ), and I went to a coffee shop at a location that I am not familiar with. So we went separate using 2 cars. But at 1st it was at a Shell gas station, when I went to bathroom they think of an idea to do a trick on me. So when I come back they said ďHurry up! We need tissue!Ē So I did think of it whether they are bull ****ting me or not but relented and go anyway because I think that if I didnít do as they say they wonít be companions with me anymore. Once I got back with no toilet paper since there werenít any tissues I saw one of their cars leaving. And I ran like **** to them but they stop at the way out of the station. So then when we arrive at the coffee shop. I was afraid that they will do it again. So when we was about to leave. They did it again. I really thought they left me hanging since I was in a middle of nowhere. My panic kicks in. So when they come back and about to leave. In order for them to stop I grabbed my friend who drives by his shirt in order for him to stop. I canít remember what I was yelling. But my friend was mad at me for grabbing. So then after that incident **** went downhill.

I just sort of hate the fact that when I meet new people or acquaintances I lose them easily because of my weird demeanor, my speaking, and my lack of skills in on something( No racist but Chinese people tend to hang out with people who are good at something ), it surprisingly eating me inside. Of course I am still practicing to do better. I try to change my behavior and attitude to fit in the social norm but still not there yet. Which is why I am a very timid person.

I canít change within a day or a month. I probably have to still try in years. I felt like I have many negative traits of myself but really I canít compare myself to other people since it would have been worse. I really canít blame people for my agony because itís my actions that caused the outcomes hence the fact that I believe in karma. I mean treat others that I want to be treated with. I am a nice person but most people act harsh on me. I donít want to finish last, and being an ******* doesnít change anythingÖ In this world you have to be kind to people in order to get the same treatment but I honestly think that saying doesnít work on me.

I have to deal with ******** around the neighborhood that play soccer with. Yeah if I wouldnít care about all of this nonsense I would have been happier but the thing is I tried to detach myself from the problems it keeps on burning. It may be simpler for you guys to not give a **** in an instant, but for me it takes a while. Although I cease to care about rude remarks from random people because in this world people donít really care about your existence and if people donít like me itís not going to harm me physically or any way. I have learn this now and to keep positive. But when I know somebody for years who is my friend or ďwho I think he wasĒ made a serious rude remark. Inside it really hurts I tried hard not to show it. As a man I canít show emotions, of course if people saw a person rage or cries over simple things or other they laugh. I guess itís part of their nature that humans laugh at people showing negative emotions or doing some ridiculous things for that matter, although I am contradicting myself because I do the same sometimes lolol.

If I canít do a simple thing or screw up in a game or basically mostly everything that I do, I get ****** off so easily, and when people throwing contempt at me for doing actions that they dislike or uncertain of, they are not getting under my skin itís when I hear that word it makes me gain more self-contempt because I know that I am in that level that I donít want to be in. I do want to be better so I made an attempt on the challenge again but sometimes when I hear that word and I screw up then I will have an angry outburst ( not on an outdoor game, or when people see me, but I do feel angry inside), and have the urge to break ****.

It adds up, actually itís not just the game itself itís more than thatÖItís the fact that I canít do something well that an average person does. I am really not a normal person according to society. If this person made an act if a person is uncertain of, or dislike obviously he/she will cut that person of and their friendship, same thing if a person lacks skills of what the other person plays or do, that other person wonít play or be with him/her anymore because he/she simply sucks. Actually when I was a child I have very poor eye to hand coordination or ďmotor skillsĒ. This justifies why I am not good at drawing things traditionally, and keep on drawing improper lines and measurements in a certain course, and not good in a specific game genre. I still have this problem now, at some points I really donít know how to improve these skills. I guess that I still need to search on my own.

I am not saying that I am stupid. Sometimes I say ridiculous things that I donít mean. When I reveal my emotional side to people especially in school back then, they bash me more and gaining more ammunition to them since crying is a weakness to them. I do try to calm myself down and get my **** together. I hate for the damn fact that I have this emotional trait. I really want to kill that side of me, which makes me have the need to be with people despite the fact that I am a reserved person. But that what makes me human.

There is one side admitting, and accepting that I have this trait, and thereís the other of denying it, want to resist from it. These two sides my ego, and self are fighting it out. It seems as if it is a never end battle; as it goes on I keep on getting more infuriated. Thinking should I accept my traits and live with it or should acknowledge and then take away those negative parts in an instant? These two choices collide and I donít know which the better choiceÖis. This makes me not respect and dislike my true self, and when I do the fire is going to go bigger because when I donít respect myself, people wonít too. Yeah I have to like and respect my own self; I am struggling to do so because of these two sides. One of them has to give in, and I donít know which one is the righteousÖ

I probably got my emotional trait from my mother but I canít blame her because she wasnít here sheís in heaven. Sometimes I really wish that Mom is alive now so she could help me deal with this problem since she is a child specialist. I would have been way better than this. Nor I canít blame my father neither for the fact that heís insecure about me having this problem but thatís ok. Although some of his actions are a dick move but they are reasons behind it he just wants me to live on a good life, and to be aware of the real world, and to defend myself.

Although I have this disorder or learning disability I canít let it dictate me of who I am because that is just a part of me. Back then I did really want to commit suicide, but now I know thatís the easy way out of things, easy one way trip to hell. Itís easy to run but itís hard to stand and strive through the storm and fire. But if I rely to do the easy way to figure out some cheat code of life it takes the fun away and I wonít felt like I accomplish **** because of what I havenít experience. So I will not fall to that abyss and not be the man who is ****** off at the world because of ******** and so on.

Hell I am nervous of expressing this out, but I really have two options either be silent for the rest of my life and let my emotions tear me down, and people still judge me, or release my emotion or what I have to say to the world and still be judge. I choose the 2nd option because either way, every move I make people will judge me. I canít hold my thoughts and pain down anymore. As more confuse and frustrated I get I am still finding a solution. Thatís the only thing I can do. I just hope you can understand me.
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Old 05-21-13, 11:44 AM
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Re: Conciousness of me

Hey, I'm really sorry but I couldn't read your long post (I've got an attention span of a gold fish). I just wanted to bump this up so maybe someone else can respond.
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