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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 10-18-13, 11:25 AM
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Riding the horse going in the direction of letting go and letting loose the stress by

Just hitting the road - already got shipping quote - funds - can leisurely do what I've always wanted and stop 'trying' to help a kid who doesn't want my help and knows what he wants - and I loved too much - imagine wounding yourself over someone who didn't love you the way you needed???? OMG i'd just do a road trip - and to think I actually thot of offing myself this past year and especially the last 6 mos watching my home get robbed over and over with my son doing nothing - his 'friends' from school but not real 'friends'

it's NOT my son's burden AND he is not my burden -his refusal to help himself is a manipulative effort to have his way with my sentiments instead of pulling his own weight and I realized i'm used up - if I live thru this drive - without taping his mouth shut - it's gonna be a miracle. So even if you don't believe say a blessing = I have no choice but to leave as i'm stagnating in misery here feeling the pain of what I left behind -in such a state of devastation - I basically hurt myself - I did a horrifying thing i'll go to my grave with -so unnecessary - that's how much I let my son manipulate me into thinking it was my responsibility when it is NEVER ours to take on - we can but hold a hand, listen, validate and sigh....more than that is an arrogant assumption of 'greatness' that robs a human being with the issue from solving it and gaining esteem for himself which is ALL that's needed

I did this out of love - and - a desire for good east coast food and the east coast direct-ness - and the better clinical care here - by far - so

question is - do I put my stuff in storage and send for it and bolt - easiest or do I have it shipped with Arpin - and just leave it - what I don't need which is everything - and let son stay and rent with buddies if he wants

i'm headed for the hills - no longer gonna 'be a good girl' - i'm done

this is what's been my greatest internal anguish - this being a round peg sitting I got a satan hoof in the ash the wound is so raw - it hurts being IN THIS

go home - I either get a good loan or I dont' - I file the small claims on the 2 renters who reneged on agreement for principle - the enmity is a shock and i'm going to stand up and say you don't mess with mother nature when she's giving you succor - and get away without consequences and i'll invite all the media assclowns

what would u do? I mean - my kid hates me truly - he is snide and has been for many many years -he needs time from me and I from him but mostly I just need to be free of this overwhelming 'responsibility' for a human who refuses to do any of the tools I've helped him receive to feel better and contribute to this relation in a favorable manner

rather i'm in a vice with a black vortex that sucks my life out so I can't and won't do much but feel like i'm dying here

quietly and alone

I go to WA - tie up my home - do what i'm told - be kind to my son and clearly not 'dump' him - just get a change back to handle what previously was a medical trauma so severe i'd reverted back to my car wreck and the stupor that made me act totally out of character afterwards....like a robot going thru the motions and doing rash things - control illusions - needs - the need to 'believe' I had control - but now i'm older and wiser

I got squat and a prayer - some wings - and I value the ones here not afraid to spaeek to me - tell me - what have I to lose that I've not already lost???

I have no home - so i'll go to the one my tenants just said they're vacating and i'll get there by next week - call the storage dude ernie - make the date this week - after 6pm - as i'l have to sneak out - but this rental office will actually have a one and a half month written notice to vacate when I leave - and I've got nothing for them to come after - my lease starts again Dec 1

i'm good

please anyone - feel free - cus of course I don't want to move i'm a lazy apathetic - overburdened unloved woman scorned...slandered. .too strong...too confident or so it seems and hey i'm jjust ptsd'd in the body - I've had no one take care of me yet - i'm willin' tho

tell me what i'm doing - I know i'm crazed here - with this kid who is like Adolf impotent Hitler dictating what he will and won't do and refusing to be polite about his tone or helping out -just like in our other home for the 8 y rs my husband slowly died and I worked my *** off and had his friends sleep over on weekends

what am I a consummate bo-bo doll?? yeah - lesson learned

the 'good mother' is dead
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Old 10-18-13, 11:33 AM
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Re: Riding the horse going in the direction of letting go and letting loose the stres

How old is your son?
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Old 10-18-13, 12:31 PM
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Re: Riding the horse going in the direction of letting go and letting loose the stres

He's 19 tomorrow - we are VERY sympatico AND it's individuation time - we're ready for 'space' but with tight agreements - we've been overburdened twiggy - and I don't have to sit in this - I did what we came for - and we won all - the iep on paper for a McKay Scholarship, the VA FINALLY filed claims but that experience was - McTavish was right but i'd not have ever gotten the claims filed if the police were called in on the 90 yr old Commander who copped two feels in front of my son and had to suffer the wrath of my pent up indignance that came out as 'here - I got a heart shaped *** to - you want to reduce me to body parts and ignore the abuses I just related to you? Are you f'n also senile? Because I could take you out right now - I did a year as a Sabra and I know where to grab your neck, Sir.

I've had more severe wounds than most humans could negotiate and stay objective - and I get more calm the more I see my part in this mess - that's all about love

so nothing is 'wrong' - now it's about learning the lesson - we can never make anyone but ourselves happy - we are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness - that is what they must do for themselves and that's a blind spot i'm going to look at and never forget is there

my greatest wounds in this life have been from giving to those who then stung me

and I knew they would - and it was an unconscious wish to hurt myself obviously

before I knew I was smothered in the crib I was attracting predatory everybody -such is my life - victimized repeatedly for being me which is not the cultural norm for woman AND because I couldn't face the truth that my parents didn't love me

really - they told me

a few times - literally - and the refusal to face that - well - I get it -it did hurt me so bad I lost my mind and put down my beloved dogs - I did kill myself as putting them down gently in my livingroom with the dr - one with a lifetime of hip dysplexia that had just healed at 8 yrs old from altwaters for a week - no more pain no more squeals
that dog was my heart and I know this is stupid but I could die now just to meet up wiith her and my puppygrrrl - my first baby girl who had a spell - voodoo curse put on her

and yeah who would believe this -but - u can't make this stuff up

the violations are mindboggling = they are evil - because in my weakest moment of 'spiritual significance' I felt immune from the evil and she showed it to me freely - tho still not humbled - I thought it more stuff I am shielded from - never engaging in it

but she brought it into my house - planted her little voodoo bottle in the back of my woodburning stove

and I don't tell this story much - it's gotta be in the book at the revenge put on me out of jealousy really and envy and just an evil dark spirit - doing time in a WA jail now and I did and do the forgiveness huna's do daily many times

with no self abuse now - or more pain - just accept - my part - never again - the shame and guilt are about spent - when you've had no guides save the divine in your life and you've had witnesses who can attest to the few but blatantly 11th hour saves given me by invisible hands you get humble - I still don't believe as I have no use for beliefs

experience has shown me and pain has taught me and so i'm harsher than your social game can tolerate - coyote on the fringes - always just on the outside and ironically and like that manifest power of creation the trickster - i'm in it all over it and I am not of it

and never have been - and this makes the mundane acceptance as 'suffering' in a vice fighting for a home 3k miles away kinda dumb

and i'm stupid and dangerous and need good advice or some good questions asked

my son is hurting in his body - needs medical care - needs to de stress - like me and needs to take ownership and have a sense of humor cus that's the best we got sister

imo besides continuing to rest - honor yourself at your pace - communicate in a civil manner and own your manifest joy that is not the same as peace love light all the time but is real - and still ends on blessing the life

bless the life bless the waters and bless us all what else ya gonna do?

take a picture of a brain giving a blessing and a picture of a brain receiving a blessing

would be mighty enlightening -all we don't know
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