My ex-husband would get angry when I cried.
So, after 30 years on the planet, I "learned" not to cry.
Instead, I would get angry.
More recently, I have been doing better.
The meds help me too.
And what they help me to do is, as others have also said, look at myself and see where I was wrong.
Not "blaiming the victim" kind of wrong. Just seeing where I stumbled, where I assumed too much, where my over reacting caused equal and opposite reaction.
One day a few weeks ago I accidentally missed taking my Risperdal. I think I had a headache too. It was a warm day when the windows were open.
The little girl from the apartment above mine had a friend visiting. She always gets noisy and hyper when company comes over (and yes, I do mean 'hyper' as in ADHD).
I was laying down on my bed by the window, trying to rest before I had to go to work that night. She has a voice that can get really LOUD. She stood outside my window, mouth pointing at my window, and began to scream, "One thousand and one, one thousand and two, one thou..."
When she got to 1010, I looked out the door and saw that her playmate had not even begun to hide. In fact, she seemed transfixed by the sheer volume of my neighbor's counting.
I am not exaggerating when I say that it was reverberating throughout this otherwise quiet neigborhood.
I stepped outside, and in a voice loud enough to heard over hers, cried, "Woa, woa, woa. That is Way too loud!"
A short time later her mother came downstairs and knocked on my door and informed me that she had told her daughter to go on back outside and to be as loud as she wanted to be, etc.
Without my meds (and still not realizing I had missed it), I cried as soon as the door was closed. By the time I got to work that evening, I looked so bad that I could feel the pity vibes coming from co-workers.
I tell this story because I think many here can related to both the little girl (who was traumatized by my yelling at her), but who can also relate to me and how I felt, as well as the mom (who has her own issues to deal with).
I went through all of the usual thoughts of feeling guilty for not feeling apologetic, etc. It took awhile to get over it.
Sometimes time is the main ingredient for the cure.
Today my neighbor drove up while I was getting groceries out of the trunk of the car. I cheerily said, "How are you doing?" She replied in kind, and I could sense relief in her voice. It was the first exchange since the incident.
It's harder with spouses because you can't just not speak or see each other for a couple of weeks.
I have been divorced for 15 years and never in another intimate relationship.
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