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  #136  
Old 11-10-09, 10:12 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

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So, for some of us, relationships are torturous not because we are being abused and made to walk on eggshells by someone....but because if we DO NOT walk on eggshells we become abusive
Reesah - could part of the problem be the choices of partners also. It seems like those who lean toward abusive are attracted to those to learn toward victims of abuse. It is much harder to be with some one who will stand up for themselves long before it becomes a cycle. Completely normal people would lose interest or become emotionally exhausted way to easily but some one who borders on the same disorder may be able to tolerate standing up to you without undue turmoil within them selves

Gary tends to be verbally abusive and attempts to be manipulative periodically I have to put a boot in his butt to back him off but am not as bothered by it as a normal would be because I don’t take it personally – I don’t have the emotionally connectivity to be bothered by how other people feel or act even though he tries to blame me from time to time. He can blame all he wants but I truly do not feel guilty because I refuse to buy into his BS

I am connected enough to understand what is going on. when it gets to annoying I make it end one way or another. I am in control of me and I know it I also know Gary is the way he is because that is all he knows how to be, I understand his behavior has little to do with me. We exist because Gary doesn’t expect me to be all sweet and full of fluff he doesn’t expect some sort of emotional attachment I am unable to provide. In exchange I do not expect him to be all in control of himself nor do I really expect him to quit being an emotional bully He is pushy but I am like trying to push a fog. Most act as if they do not care where as I truely do not care - I care about him but not so much as to take on feelings of guilt.


You need some one who will call BS what it is without getting all emotional about it, That way you would not have to constantly walk on egg shells because the other person could deal with it without being to entwined. They say two wrong don’t make a right but some times two emotionally screwed up people can make a relationship work out as long as their disorders are semi compatible - I mean there does have to be some effort but shiat not to the point of misery.
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  #137  
Old 11-18-09, 04:38 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

If I were to rewrite this artical I would change a couple of things to reach a broader demographic of readers. I would do this simply by adding a few key words.

see below:

Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?

Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he or she is a would-be abuser. Here's how:

Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses his tendency to blame every mistake of his / her, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his/ her faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?

Is he / she hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?

Next thing: is he too eager? Does he / she push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he / she planning on having children on your first date? Does he / she immediately cast you in the role of the love of his / her life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male / female? Does he / she inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?

Does he / she respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he /she ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he / she disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he / she go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?

Does he / she control the situation and you compulsively? Does he /she insist to ride in his / her car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he / she disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he / she hint that, in future, you would need his / her permission to do things even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?

Does he / she act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he / she emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he / she exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Is he / she wildly unrealistic in his / her expectations from you, from himself / herself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?

Does he / she tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he / she may tell you that you "make" him / her feel bad, or that you make him / her feel violent, or that you "provoke" him / her. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.

Does he / she find sadistic sex exciting? Does he / she have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he / she too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he /she like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he /she abuse you verbally does he / she curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he / she then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?

If you have answered "yes" to any of the above stay away! He / she is an abuser.

Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle but discernible warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself / herself and save yourself a lot of trouble!fficeffice" />>>
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  #138  
Old 12-30-09, 08:14 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

I could not have written a better summary.

As time allows, I will add to this later with body language and actions thought to be hidden be these predatory types.

Over the top sweetness is one trait. There are people that use this trait honestly but some predators have had to learn and copy their responses from watching others. Some understand that being overly nice and sweet to some individuals always works to their benefit.

Look to my experience of not being believed about my Ex abusing me. An example statement from some would be similar to this:

"So & So" is so Nice & Giving....what do you mean he meant to use you. What's the matter with you."

In this instance this person spends an awful lot of time sending nice notes and giving to others cheaply but making sure they are attended to. Sometimes he'll give greatly/. But it is always an investment in the future and what he will take from you later. Catch the fly in the ointment first!

Watch out for to much sweetness.
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  #139  
Old 01-02-10, 07:23 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

Quote:
Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?
Many emotional vampires do not even know they are emotional vampires - to them they just keep picking the same partners over and over - many really do believe every relationship break up is due to picking the wrong types - you can not perceive that which is not projected - it really is that simple.

While much has already been discussed from those who have lived life on the both sides of the proverbial fence It is apparent that we can discuss characteristics all day and not cover every base - the expression of and degree of emotional predation is individual and interacts with other traits, experiences and personality. Victim-hood is simply the opposite end of the same spectrum as predator - one doesn't have to look far to see perpetual victims who want to blame their situation not on their inaction or failure they will never truly admit that. They much prefer to stay with the abuser and whine to the world about how horrible the spouse is - they too are emotional vampires they just go about it differently



There are two things you can do to protect yourself from all types of emotional vampires - the most important one is healthy personal boundaries and the ability to protect them without being abusive yourself The second one is time - take your time to get to know some one before allowing yourself to become emotionally attached.

These things come from knowing and trusting yourself - probably why many ADDers fall victim to predators and/ or become predators themselves. Being a predator is not some thing a child aspires to become - it normally happens due to lack of emotional/physical protection during a time when they were unable to protect themselves - the degree and form of victim-hood and or predication involves as many variables as the expression of any other personal trait or characteristic
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  #140  
Old 04-29-10, 12:04 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

"Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase."

When anyone tells you that you are responsible for their feeling(s) --this is a GIANT, WAVING red flag.
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  #141  
Old 04-29-10, 12:07 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

Quote:
Originally Posted by blujoc View Post
"What's the matter with you."
Classic!

And I agree 100%. It's like the witch in Hansel & Gretal before she gets them into the cottage.
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  #142  
Old 05-05-10, 02:24 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

hi crazy mama, you are so right, I had been around emotionally abusive people all my life, i never even knew, i though thtats the way it was supposed to be, until my recent ex who constantly invalidated me and my feelings, and this is when i spoke to a therapist, she really opened my eyes. and i can relate to what you're saying 100% now i just have to find that right person who's not emotionally abusive and wont step on my boundries!
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  #143  
Old 05-14-10, 01:15 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

A very interesting thread...
Now, I can already classified from my dates.

but Is online dating will be fine too?

will subscribe this thread...

thanks Ian!
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  #144  
Old 07-03-10, 02:24 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

Quote:
Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle but discernible warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself and save yourself a lot of trouble!
Most important. The body doesn't lie. A thumping forehead vein, forearm flex, jar clench. Physical annoyance. Words tell the lie.

Quote:
And the instinct thing.........it is when we hear it, AND IGNORE IT, that gets us into trouble. Not which little "voice" to listen to. (mine BTW is more of a gut feeling of sorts, it gets all knotted up and seems to turn in on itself)
Others could call me sexually promiscuous. I have engaged in more than risky behavior.

The only time I almost was taken advantage of was the only time I did not listen to this "instinct."

At goodbye, he grabbed me in a way I did not like. Thankfully, next thing I remember was escorting him out of my apartment by holding his finger and arm twisted behind his back uncle style...


Quote:
That is the essential point the text fails to point out - you're not going to get an accurate perception of anyone by making snap judgements, which essentially, even in it's very title, it is encouraging people to do.
If you're afraid of this because you're insecure about being misread...then I don't know. Find some different girls to date, 'cuz they're obviously not for you--honest did you really want them? What behavior are you speaking of as abnormal? Lots of abnormal people navigate social relationships fine.

Snap judgments are often times good enough to tell if someone will sap your energy or give it to you. Snap judgments are what can prevent horrible accidents and encounters.

Snap judgments
are made on an unconscious, primal level caused by an event that could wash over in a millisecond. They are not premeditated, and cannot be intellectualized nor rationalized. They admonish you to heed caution. If you are good, you do not need to worry.

Quote:
What about a thread about "Warning!: Teltale signs that your woman is an abuser!"
Agreed.

My best friends are dudes always have been. Belch. Burp. Uncouth. Sometimes Macho, Sometimes Not. Rarely petty. Rarely intentionally mean. They are good people.

One has a heart big as the whole out doors. He is captivated by girls who have messed up heads in tangles and brambles. He sees the sweet delicious blackberry fruit down below the thorns. He salivates for the sweet plump reward, and in the process he is torn up and scorned.

The last one...the last one...fooled everyone she "good", whatever that means. Maybe she thought she was. She used him mentally, emotionally. He even put up with dishes flying, or nails swiping.

Sure he's a man. Should be in control. He's mid 30's and lives like an early 20 something.

Forgive me, but I hate black and white categorical thinking about the sexes. Gender doesn't define us as humans.
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  #145  
Old 08-12-10, 10:10 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

very informative..i like this forum, i can learn many things
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  #146  
Old 08-12-10, 10:12 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

my friends also experienced some abusive behavior of a date..maybe i can get advices from you guys and share with them
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Old 08-16-10, 09:51 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

very informative, i like your posts...thanks a lot
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  #148  
Old 11-15-10, 07:28 AM
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Thumbs up Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

I wish I read this when I entered college, would have saved me a heart-ache and an abusive marriage. Then again, that awful experience has made me stronger and I've survived and kicked him out of my life. It has made me the strong me I am today.
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  #149  
Old 11-17-10, 02:55 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

This is an interesting thread. Also, the book "The Gift of Fear" does a good job with this too.
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  #150  
Old 01-23-11, 04:55 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian View Post
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse7.html

I mailed this around pretty heavily today. I thought it was great.

===============

Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?

Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. Here's how:

Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses – his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?

Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?

Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?

Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?

Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") – or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things – even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?

Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?

Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.

Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally – does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?

If you have answered "yes" to any of the above – stay away! He is an abuser.

Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!

This is the subject of the next article.


I have find out that some of this type of men are "worried" about you and all what they say or do is "for your sake". "You feel better if..." - That is bad. And calling you "sweet" and "kind" that implies he thinks he can take over you, you are too kind to resist what he is doing. And then for example consern about dressing/hair/make up - You cannot choose things freely because you have to pleasant his taste and not yours. No opinions allowed, your opinions are always immature, lies, ridiculous, old fashion or what ever - He always try to change your thinking. He wants that others in the room sees he "care" about you - He tries to impress other people. He says "It is your fault" like that is just a joke but believe me, it is not a joke...It really is your fault -every single time. He digs your weaknesses so fast that you do not even notice that and start to use them against you. He twist your words. Consern about what you eat and how much you eat, very interested how much is your weight and how much you exercise. He observe you all the time and tries to impact you by keeping silences, smiling or not smiling at places where they are unnatural. He tries and tries and tries to find out many ways can he impact your thinking and actions and disguise them under humor (sometimes there is no humor at all...)... It is endless list... It can be short cold flash in the eyes, it can be something else but now a days I am rather too careful than believe anything what they say.

My dad was abuser and I saw what was his style to blame my mom. My mom get also beated when she "smiled" at wrong place... Everything what she said was wrong in my dads ears, Everything what she did was wrong, starting from food and end up to just everything... It is really horrible to be victim of abuser. And of course - He, The Abuser - is perfect, nice and kind, it is just you who make him to act like an abuser And these long texts in English are something I cannot focus so grammar and typo mess is huge... I try to edit it later when I can focus again...
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