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Old 02-23-17, 09:19 PM
Nelson1967 Nelson1967 is offline

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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

Your selfish if it's u then others first is not wrong at all to do others then self
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Old 11-28-17, 03:19 AM
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mikemotorbike mikemotorbike is offline

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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

Originally Posted by RhapsodyInBlue View Post
The "author" is a very well known narcissist, and someone who's words I would be very leary of. I believe it would take more than one or two dates to know this much about a person, and Vankin [the author] is smart enough to know this.

I am not saying there are no good points here, there are, but to make it a forum focal post is a narcissits dream. Vankin would love it!

Agree. This is a handbook for disentitlement. A narrsisist's wet dream. A poison pill with a sugar coating. Hard on identification, soft on solution.

If anybody asks for prior advisement of your social calendar, immediately consider terminating that relationship. Immediately, firmly, and constantly, establish that under no circumstances would you do so You must affirm your sovereign right to determine when with whom you play. After the person concedes, and only then, directly but lightly ask, why they wanted to know? If it was innocuous, then no harm done. You have demonstrated your autonomy. If the request turns out to be neurotic, then you have just saved your bacon.

Let them know you don't agree, simply, with self respect. Don't argue or force the issue. I suggest inwardly at that very moment, changing your availability. Decide to tread lightly. They are crazy. You coddle crazy people. Take longer to answer emails, Don't pick up the phone right way, call them back, were busy. Be emotionally available, enthusiastic, sincere and genuine when you do interact, just do it less.

You might have to be rude at some point tho, because the longer you let them down gently, the more they want better pickins and will precipitate an impossible situation which will force the issue. This can work in your favour. But I'm not so sure. You might lose your self control one day and play your cards wrong, and he would have evidence to trash your reputation. Identify why you responded to their attention. Bad boys are attractive. Don't lead them on. Take control of your life first.

Real friends will wait months. But then, if you truly are fabulous, an abuser will instinctively know you are a really fine meal, and worth the payoff after a long wait. You might be caught at a weak moment if you are being too gentle too long. It's like playing with dynamite. Better take control and be upfront at the right moment. Then, if you are lonely one night, and the sexy bugger shows up with a dozen roses, but you wont be wailing in your bedsheets at home. You will still be be alone and lonely, but instead you decided finally to take matters into your own hands an just go to the social event on your own. Where you will meet a fabulous person like yourself, who, just like you, didn't settle– who waited, lonely, and took himself by the hand to the social event, where he met a kindred spirit. This is what I am learning.

And beware of dating sites where dates show up with a uhaul. If people say they are looking for a relationship, watch out! I know this sounds paradoxical, because i too pine for a cuddle buddy... but the first relationship is the one we have with ourselves. Look for 'friends', or 'other.', no matter how lonely. Especially if lonely!

I dunno. Love myself, and by extension, others, or jump enthusiastically into a co-dependent or abusive relationship? What do you think? He sure is sexy....

Last edited by mikemotorbike; 11-28-17 at 03:33 AM..
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