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  #91  
Old 10-16-06, 11:44 AM
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After getting married, I am now just a shell of my former self. I've been stripped of my friends, family, money, self-worth, and dignity. I no longer know who I am except that I am "Mary's husband" aka "Mary's piece of meat to do whatever she pleases with". I'll give one example that just happened this morning: I came out of the shower and was freezing cold. My wife came in and removed my towel and stated "that looks just like a ***** only smaller". I asked her very nicely to give my towel back and explained that I was cold. She then called me a whimp, and then snapped the towel at me multiple times producing welts about my buttocks, laughing riotously while ingorning my plees for mercy. I ran to the room and grabbed a blanket to dry myself. When she saw me with the blanket she went ballistic and started screaming "YOU WILL CLEAN THAT BLANKET THIS MORNING OR I'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYEBALLS OUT!" Despite the fact that I was late for an important meeting, she insited that I handwash the blanket that morning. I tried to tell her that I was freezing and that I needed to cover-up and that I had asked her for the towel. She just cried and said that I was a jerk and that she was just tyring to be playful. When I asked if I could wash the blanket later this evening she simply through another tantrum and then would not allow me past her to get my clothes on. So, there I was washing a blanket in the nude just freezing like a wet dog and a sore back side. After doing all that, I was finally allowed to dress and leave for work, but not without a demand to bring home flowers or something to apologize for my behavior.

One blessing is that my wife was the one that put me on Adderall. I was resistant at first but she insisted (and that involves whole set of manipulative behavior). So, I got the pills thinking I'd never take them. But, she put them in my food. Then, I discovered that the pills were great and work for me. Over the past few weeks, I've gained more confidence and feel that I am soon ready to leave Mary. Ironic, yes?
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  #92  
Old 10-16-06, 02:35 PM
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Yowser!

Wow, that's quite the trail you have been following. Thanks for such a keen look at what you've been up against. I hope you can keep us posted as the irony continues.
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  #93  
Old 10-17-06, 06:20 PM
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Well, I did it! I left Mary and it is all thanks to Adderall. Last night was the final straw. You see, she wanted me to rake the leaves and I told her that I would do it that evening, but it was raining very hard, so I thought I'd do it over the weekend with better weather. That wasn't good enough for Mary. When she got home she came inside with a rake in her hand and ordered me to "hop to it". I explained that I had planned to postpone the raking until a day without rain. She replied by calling me a liar because I had said that I rake this evening. She began to poke me in the crotch with the end of the rake and told me that I was lazy and that I was not a witch and would not melt in the rain. Then she asked me if I had balls because the soldiers in Iraq fight through anything.

Well, that was it for me. I told her, give me the rake and I'll rake the leaves. What she didn't know was that my car was already packed with all the belongings that I care about, and that I wouldn't rake the leaves, but that I would leaves the rake and her! I hoped in the car and took off without any explanation and I will never return. She has called my cellphone, get this, 93 times in 11 hours. I have not listened to any messages and left no forwarding address. I wanted to move to the city to be closer to the local hospital anyway. The feeling of freedom is such a powerful thing. I now feel like I can do and accomplish anything.
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  #94  
Old 11-29-06, 08:46 AM
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Wow! Sounds like my father!!! I knew he was a narcissist!!!
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Dr: "excuse my while I fininsh eating my french fries from lunch."

Me: "I love french fries with my hamburgers and also milk shakes but I don't like milk because it makes me sick which reminds me I better get my flu shot before I get the flu which dries out my skin but I use jergens which is greasy like fries."

Dr: let me wash my hands before I increase your Adderall.
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  #95  
Old 01-13-07, 01:36 AM
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I'm male... I do at least 2 of those... I'm not an abuser...

I'm kind of emotionally dull and I've been told I pick fights (arguments) for no reason.

Hmm, I know I'll look bad saying this but ladies give a guy a chance to explain before you label him an abuser or walk out of a relationship.
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  #96  
Old 01-20-07, 04:33 PM
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I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Most people who don't have a history of abusive relationships, don't have much problem spotting abusive types at all, and are far less likely to allow themselves to be isolated. For individuals, male or female, who have a history of abuse, it is definitely worth keeping your eyes open. Don't restrict what you're looking at to the other party though. Often times, victims of abuse, have a "normalized" attitude towards that kind of behavior. IE, they often gravitate (I hasten to add entirely unintentionally) towards people with traits common in abusive personalities. It's important for a former victim to evaluate what it is they find attractive in a partner consciously. Some of those traits may actually turn out to be things to be avoided.

And yes, before anyone gets upset, well adjusted people with no prior history of abuse can find themselves in abusive situations too. It's just not as common. Controlling behavior is the biggest single sign there is. Bottom line, is even if a person who's highly controlling never becomes physically abusive, they aren't much fun to be around anyway. Controlling behavior, in and of itself, is a form of mental and emotional abuse.

I thank whoever originally posted this topic once again. I think it's extremely relevant to persons with ADHD (who quite often, due to our sensitivity, and the lack of understanding we often encounter growing up, find themselves in abusive relationships as well, and we're essentially damaged goods by the time we've grown up in many cases). I often think the worst part of my ADHD isn't the forgetting, or the misunderstandings, or the hoops I have to jump through to stay organized. The worst part for me, was the results of it going unidentified, and untreated for all those years. Anxiety disorders, depression, rock bottom self esteem, that sort of thing. It's never too late to change things for the better though.
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  #97  
Old 01-20-07, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by driver8
One blessing is that my wife was the one that put me on Adderall. I was resistant at first but she insisted (and that involves whole set of manipulative behavior). So, I got the pills thinking I'd never take them. But, she put them in my food. Then, I discovered that the pills were great and work for me. Over the past few weeks, I've gained more confidence and feel that I am soon ready to leave Mary. Ironic, yes?

You do realize that her slipping a controlled substance into your food without your knowledge or consent is illegal right? You could probably still press charges if you could prove it.

This just goes to show though, that anyone can be a victim of abuse. It's not gender specific (although most reported abuse is male on female, and estimates of unreported female on male abuse (admittedly we're talking ball park figures here) still put males comfortably in the lead (just as we are in every other sort of violent crime).

I'm glad you got out of that situation, and I hope you don't let the fact that it happened make you feel bad. Frankly, the fact that you handled it the way you did, by getting away from it rather than following suit, tells me you're a good and decent person who has no desire to resort to similar behavior in retaliation.

Good on you.
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  #98  
Old 01-20-07, 04:41 PM
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Oh, and it was most richly ironic indeed. :-)
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Old 04-03-07, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RhapsodyInBlue
The "author" is a very well known narcissist, and someone who's words I would be very leary of. I believe it would take more than one or two dates to know this much about a person, and Vankin [the author] is smart enough to know this.

I am not saying there are no good points here, there are, but to make it a forum focal post is a narcissits dream. Vankin would love it!

-Viktoria
I would trust a narcissist whe discussing his own characteristics, but only in that situation. I know a bit about narcisistic personality disorder. They are very able to conduct certain area's of there life honestly and efficiently, careers and whatnot. If a narcissist actually has the ability to openly admit his problem, i believe he would speak of it accurately. But I could be wrong its just my opinion from personal experience.
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  #100  
Old 05-01-07, 01:57 AM
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They might well be open about it. Something to keep in mind though is that narcissists, machiavellians, and their scary cousins the sociopaths, all have a markedly reduced or even absent sense of empathy. I'd have to wonder long and hard about what would motivate such a person to speak candidly about their 'problems', unless there was something 'in it' for them. Is it possible? Sure anything is possible. Narcissists aren't without empathy entirely, mind you, it's just not what you'd call a full measure or it, nor does it come in the expected forms.
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  #101  
Old 05-18-07, 06:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse7.html

I mailed this around pretty heavily today. I thought it was great.

===============

Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?

Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. Here's how:

Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?

Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?

Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?

Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?

Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?

Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?

Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.

Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?

If you have answered "yes" to any of the above stay away! He is an abuser.

Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle but discernible warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself and save yourself a lot of trouble!

This is the subject of the next article.


This is good i ve been there and do you know what after readind this,i think im still there,thankyou for opening my sensory brainwave.
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  #102  
Old 05-18-07, 09:50 AM
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It's a team effort. We open each other up. ;^)
Cheers!
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  #103  
Old 05-18-07, 10:31 AM
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re: #97, Paragraph 2


What is there for people to get upset about? (re: admitting that people tend to get into abusive rel'ps repeatedly)


Re-victimization and re-enactment trauma rates in survivors of violence, abuse, and even war, are _well-documented_ in the research literature. (bessel van der kolk, judith herman, etc)

Most people just don't discuss it.

That is a shame, as it makes History doomed to Repeat.
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  #104  
Old 11-12-07, 05:52 AM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

I found my own label for it after splitting with my fiance.. S&M Type 2.

Love a little, hurt a little.... that's the name of the game. They often like to give and receive in the cases I've witnessed. I don't think someone could act like that if they weren't feeling hurt in some way as well - even if it is unintentional and unknown hurt they are feeling from us.

-Egg
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  #105  
Old 12-20-07, 04:36 PM
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Re: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

i remember doing some of that 'abuser' stuff in high school when i was smitten over a girl! lol!
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