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  #1  
Old 03-08-05, 06:00 AM
StanleyW StanleyW is offline
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How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

While I believe violence against women is totally despicable. I believe the media propagetd myth of the wife-beater is out of control. What about husband-beaters? Why aren't they on the news? Why is there no help for them? This always has bugged me so I put these together for fellow men that have and/or will most likey meet and date/marry and abusive women.

Many men do noto recognize common signs of abuse for many reasons like culture, or ego. Some just don't realize women abuse men.
The one defining characteristic of most abused men is that they are extremely embarrassed by their predicament. Most men who have reached out for help have been laughed at or scorned. They are often portrayed as weak and cowardly. This is simply not true.

All types of men are subject to the same types of abuse as women, including physical abuse. These abuses range from a slap in the face to a kitchen knife being plunged into a husband's stomach while sleeping to being run down by his wife who was driving the family vehicle.
Men also report emotional and sexual abuse, including threats and insults, withholding money, controlling personal activities, attempts to change him, unwanted sexual touching, forced sexual activity and sexual degradation.

Some things that are worth thinking about when you're wondering "Am I being abused?" include:
  • Did she embarass or humiliate you in front of other people, including your friends or family?
  • Did she insist that anything you wanted for yourself was selfish and/or wrong?
  • Did she withhold affection to "punish" you for any violations of her rules?
  • Did she intimidate you in any way?
  • Did she threaten you, or threaten to harm herself or anyone else, if/when you left?
  • Did she force you to ask her for money, or take your money away from you? Did she have control of the family finances, so you didn't even know what or when money was being spent?
  • Did she prevent you from taking a job you wanted, or going to school? Did she force you, either directly or through manipulation, to quit a job you had?
  • Did she make jokes about her treatment of you, insist that she never did anything to hurt you, or blame you for her behavior?
  • Did she treat you as if you were her servant?
  • Did she ever make you do things you felt were wrong or illegal?
  • Did she ever belittle your beliefs, or tell you that your faith is wrong?
  • Did she make you leave social gatherings, or restrict your contact with your friends or family?
  • Did she make you feel afraid, or like you needed to be "careful" around her?
  • Did she make you feel guilty or ashamed about yourself, your feelings, your beliefs, or anything else that makes you a unique individual?
Any one of these is a sign of abuse. Only you can decide how many it takes to add up to proof that you were abused.
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  #2  
Old 03-08-05, 06:00 AM
StanleyW StanleyW is offline
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Signs that you're living with a verbal abuser.

  • She seems irritated or angry with you several times a week or more although you hadn't meant to upset her. You are surprised each time. (She says she's not mad when you ask her what she's mad about, or she tells you in some way that it's your fault.)
  • When you feel hurt or try to discuss your upset feelings with her, you don't feel as if the issue has been fully resolved, so you don't feel happy and relieved, nor do you have a feeling that you've "kissed and made up". (She says, "You're just trying to start an argument!" or in some other way expresses her refusal to discuss the situation.)
  • You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by her responses because you can't get her to understand your intentions.
  • You are upset not so much about concrete issues -- how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vactaion, etc. -- as about the communication in the relationship: what she thinks you said and what you heard her say.
  • You sometimes wonder, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."
  • She rarely, if ever, seems to want to share her thoughts or plans with you.
  • She seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything you mention, and her view is not qualified by "I think" or "I believe" or "I feel" -- as if your view were wrong and hers were right.
  • You sometimes wonder if she perceives you as a separate person.
  • You can't recall saying to her, "Cut it out!" or, "Stop it!"
  • She is either angry or has "no idea of what you're talking about" when you try to discuss an issue with her.
If these signs seem familiar to you, it's a good bet you're being verbally abused. And that can be difficult to convince anyone else of, because some identifying traits of verbal abuse include:

  • Mostly, it's done in secret. Your abuser usually doesn't do it where anyone else can witness it.
  • It usually starts off with little stuff, then gets worse over time, so you get accustomed to it...and other people get accustomed to seeing you suffer it.
  • It comes in many disguises.
  • It consistently discounts your perceptions. No matter how cruel your partner is, she will deny that anything is wrong.
  • Finally, physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse is hurtful. Especially when it's denied.

Verbal abuse attacks your nature and abilities, usually so thoroughly that you begin to believe that there's something inherently wrong with you, or that your abilities are actually failings.

Verbal abuse may be overt (angry outbursts and namecalling) or covert (subtle stuff, like brainwashing).

Verbal abuse may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way (like when she expresses her concern that you just aren't capable of understanding finances well enough to balance your checkbook).

Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.

Verbal abuse is insidious -- it destroys your self-esteem, it steals your self-confidence, it brainwashes you to try to change yourself to please your abuser, so she won't hurt you anymore.

Verbal abuse is unpredictable. No matter how intelligent, careful, or perceptive you are, she'll always find a way to hit a blind spot you didn't even know you had.

Verbal abuse is the issue in the relationship. In normal relationships, arguments are over concrete things that can be resolved. In a verbally abusive one, there is no specific conflict - the whole point of any argument is to make you suffer.

Verbal abuse expresses a double message. For example, she'll say something like "I love you", and then spend 4 hours raving about how love is worthless and all that matters is power; or she'll scream "I'm not mad!" in a rage-filled voice; or she'll suggest going out to dinner, and then treat you like a servant.

Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. For example, early in the relationship she may make jokes about you, and as time goes on she'll start "punishing" you by withholding affection, namecalling, accusing and blaming, undermining, maybe even escalating into face-slapping, kicking, biting, scratching, or even use of weapons.
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  #3  
Old 03-08-05, 06:17 AM
StanleyW StanleyW is offline
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Resources For Abused Men

S.A.F.E. concentrates on domestic violence against straight men, gay men, and lesbian women, because few services exist for these groups. Personal stories, a comprehensive listing of Web resources and books, info on local shelters and groups that help battered men or offer services for abusive women, suggestions on how you can make a difference in the lives of people affected by abuse. E-mail list and Bulletin Board.


The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Projectis a nonprofit program that provides support services for male victims of same-gender domestic violence. In addition to assisting victims of same-gender domestic violence, they provide outreach and education to law enforcement and communities. The GMDVP now features a toll free crisis line at 1-800-832-1901.


These are just two, however S.A.F.E. has a lot of resources and can help you locate a regional organization and the GMDV Project provides many same-sex abuse support and resources.

Last edited by Kimalimah; 03-22-05 at 05:49 PM..
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Old 03-08-05, 06:25 AM
StanleyW StanleyW is offline
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Domestic Violence Safety Plan - Men and Women

While this plan is obviously aimed at women. It is a good tool for men also. Everyone needs a plan and a little help in these situations, even if you think you can handle or deal with it.





SAFETY AT HOME


Develop a safety plan and discuss it with your children. Review the plan as often as possible. Change the locks and install devices to secure your windows. Make sure your children's school, day-care center, or camp know who is authorized to pick up your children. Tell your neighbors and landlord that your abuser no longer lives there and ask them to call the police if they see him or her near your home. Before you resume a potentially abusive relationship, discuss alternatives with someone you trust.

SAFETY IN PUBLIC OR AT WORK

If you have an order of protection, keep it with you at all times. Inform building security and coworkers you trust of your situation. If possible, provide a photograph of your abuser to building security. Vary your routes to and from work and arrange for someone to escort you to your car, bus, or train. Plan what to do in various situations if the abuser confronts you.

SAFETY DURING VOLATILE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INCIDENT

If an argument seems unavoidable, move to a room or area with easy access to an exit - not a bathroom, kitchen, or anywhere near weapons. Identify which door, window, stairwell or elevator offers the quickest way out of the home - and practice your route. Have a bag packed and ready. Keep it in an undisclosed but accessible place where you can retrieve it quickly. Find neighbors you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance. Devise a code word to use with your children, family, and friends when you need the police. Decide where you will go if you have to leave, even if you do not think it will come to that. Use your instincts and judgement. Consider giving the abuser what he or she wants to defuse a dangerous situation. You have a right to protect yourself when you are in danger. You do not deserve to be battered or threatened.

PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN

The following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility for further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner's violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety.

Step 1: SAFETY DURING A VIOLENT INCIDENT. Women cannot always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, battered women may use a variety of strategies.

I can use some or all of the following strategies:

A. If I decide to leave, I will ___________________. (Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells or fire escapes would you use?)

B. I can keep my purse and car keys ready and put them ___________ _______________________ (place) in order to leave quickly.

C. I can tell _____________________________________________about the violence and request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.

D. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department.

E. I will use ___________________________________________ as my code for my children or my friends so they can call for help.

F. If I have to leave my home, I will go __________________________ ___________________________________ (Decide this even if you don't think there will be a next time). If I cannot go to the location above, then I can go to __________________________________________________ _________ or __________________________________________________ ______.

G. I can also teach some of these strategies to some/all of my children.

H. When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as ________________________ ____________________________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside door).

I. I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he/she wants to calm him/her down. I have to protect myself until I/we are out of danger.

Step 2: SAFETY WHEN PREPARING TO LEAVE. Battered women frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Leaving must be done with a careful plan in order to increase safety. Batterers often strike back when they believe that a battered woman is leaving the relationship.

I can use some or all the following safety strategies:

A. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with___________________ so that I can leave quickly.

B. I will keep copies of important papers and documents or an extra set of keys at ___________________________________________.

C. I will open a savings account by ___________________________, to increase my independence.

D. Other things I can do to increase my independence include:

E. The domestic violence program's hot line telephone number is ___________________________ and I can seek shelter by calling this hot line.

F. I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I understand that if I use my telephone credit card, the following month the telephone bill will tell my batterer those numbers that I called after I left. To keep my telephone communications confidential, I must either use coins or I might get a friend to permit me to use their telephone credit card for a limited time when I first leave.

G. I will check with ______________________________________________ and ______________________________ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend me some money in an emergency.

H. I can leave extra clothes with__________________________________.

I. I will sit down and review my safety plan every ___________________ in order to plan the safest way to leave the residence.

______________________________________________ (domestic violence advocate or friend) has agreed to help me review this plan.

J. I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.

Step 3: SAFETY IN MY OWN RESIDENCE. There are many things that a woman can do to increase her safety in her own residence. It may be impossible to do everything at once, but safety measures can be added step by step.

Safety measures I can use include:

A. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.

B. I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors.

C. I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc.

D. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows.

E. I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my house/apartment.

F. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to my house.

G. I will teach my children how to use the telephone to make a collect call to me and to _________________________ (friend/minister/other) in the event that my partner takes the children.

H. I will tell people who take care of my children which people have permission to pick up my children and that my partner is not permitted to do so. The people I will inform about pick-up permission include:

__________________________________________ (school),

________________________________________ (day care staff),

________________________________________ (babysitter),

_______________________________ (Sunday School teacher),

________________________________________ (teacher),

________________________________________ (and),

__________________________________________ (others),

I. I can inform ___________________________________________, and _____________________________ (neighbors), _______________________ (pastor), and,___________________________ (friend) that my partner no longer resides with me and they should call the police if he is observed near my residence.

I can find out my risks with Rate Your Risk Tests.

Step 4: SAFETY WITH AN ORDER OF PROTECTION. Many battered women obey protection orders, but one can never be sure which violent partner will obey and which will violate protection orders. I recognize that I may need to ask the police and the court to enforce my protection order.

The following are some steps that I can take to help the enforcement of my protection order:

A. I will keep my protection order____________________________________ (location) (Always keep it on or near your person. If you change purses, that's the first thing that should go in).

B. I will give my protection order to police departments in the communities where I usually visit family or friends, and in the community where I live.

C. The Clark County Sheriff is the county registry of protection orders that all police departments can call to confirm a protection order. I can check to make sure that my order is in registry. The telephone number for the county registry of protection order is _________________________________.

D. For further safety, if I often visit other counties in Indiana, I might file my protection order with the court in those counties.

E. I can call the local domestic violence program if I have questions or if I have some problem with my protection order.

F. I will inform my employer, my minister, my closest friend, my relatives, and __________________________________________________ _____________and ___________________________________________that I have a protection order in effect. G. If my partner destroys my protection order, I can get another copy from the Clark County Courthouse by going to the Circuit Court Clerk's Office, or by contacting the Domestic Violence Unit of the Clark County Prosecuting Attorney.

H. If my partner violates the protection order, I can call the police and report a violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation.

I. If the police do no help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and will file a complaint with the chief of the police department.

J. I can also file a private criminal compliant with the Prosecuting Attorney in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred. I can request that charges be filed against my battering partner for violation of the Protective Order and all the crimes that he commits in violating the order. I can call the domestic violence advocate for help.

Step 5: SAFETY ON THE JOB AND IN PUBLIC. Each battered woman must decide if and when she will tell others that her partner has battered her and that she may be at continued risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help to protect women. Each woman should consider carefully which people to invite to help secure her safety.

I might do any or all of the following:

A. I can inform my boss, the security supervisor and____________________ at work of my situation.

B. I can ask ________________ to help screen my telephone calls at work.

C. When leaving work, I can ______________________________________.

D. When driving home if problems occur, I can ________________________.

E. If I use public transit, I can ______________________________________.

F. I will go to different grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my business and shop at hours that are different than those when residing with my battered partner.

G. I can use a different bank and take care of my banking at hours different from those I used when residing with my battered partner.

H. I can also______________________________________________ ____.

Step 6: SAFETY AND DRUG OR ALCOHOL USE. Most people in this culture use alcohol. Many use mood-altering drugs. Much of this use is legal and some is not. The legal outcomes of using illegal drugs can be very hard on a battered woman, may hurt her relationship with her children and put her at a disadvantage in other legal actions with her battering partner. Therefore, women should carefully consider the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs. But beyond this, the use of any alcohol or other drug can reduce a woman's awareness and ability to act quickly to protect herself from her battering partner. Furthermore, the use of alcohol or other drugs by the batterer may give him/her an excuse to use violence. Therefore, in the context of drug or alcohol use, a woman needs to make specific safety plans.

If drug or alcohol use has occurred in my relationship with the battering partner, I can enhance my safety by some or all of the following:

A. If I am going to use, I can do so in a safe place and with people who understand the risk of violence and are committed to my safety.

B. I can also___________________________________________.

C. If my partner is using, I can_____________________________.

D. I might also_________________________________________.

E. To safeguard my children, I might ________________________________

and ______________________________________________.

Step 7: SAFETY AND MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH. The experience of being battered and verbally degraded by partners is usually exhausting and emotionally draining. The process of building a new life for myself takes much courage and incredible energy.

To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid hard emotional times, I can do some of the following:

A. If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can _____________________________________________.

B. When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can _____________________________________________.

C. I can try to use "I can . . . " statements with myself and to be assertive with others.

D. I can tell myself -"_____________________________________________ __________________" whenever I feel others are trying to control or abuse me.

E. I can read ____________________________to help me feel stronger.

F. I can call ___________________, ___________________and _________________as other resources to be of support of me.

G. Other things I can do to help me feel stronger are____________ ______________, and_______________________________.

H. I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or _________________________________________________, or _________________________to gain support and strengthen my relationships with other people.

Step 8: Items to take when leaving. When women leave partners, it is important to take certain items with them. Beyond this, women sometimes give an extra copy of papers and an extra set of clothing to a friend just in case they have to leave quickly.

Money : Even if I have never worked, I may be entitled to the funds in the checking and savings accounts. If I don't take any money from the accounts, he can legally take all money and/or close the account and I may not get my share until the court rules on it if ever.

Items with asterisks on the following list are the most important to take. If there is time, the other items might be taken, or stored outside the home. These items might be placed in one location, so that if we have to leave in a hurry, I can grab them quickly.

When I leave, I should have:

* Identification for myself
*Children's birth certificate
*My birth certificate
*Social security cards
*School and vaccination records
*Money
*Checkbook, ATM (Automatic Tellers Machine) card, Credit cards
*Keys - house/car/office
*Driver's license and registration
*Medication
Welfare identification, work permits, Green Card, Passport, divorce papers
Medical records - for all family members
Lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book
Bank books, Insurance papers
Small saleable objects
Address book, pictures, jewelry
Children's favorite toys and/or blankets
Items of special sentimental value




Work number________________________________________
Supervisor's home number_____________________________
Minister__________________________________________ __
Other_____________________________________________ _


I will keep this document in a safe place and out of the reach of my potential attacker.

Review date:______________________________________

IF YOU NEED HELP IN FILLING OUT THIS PLAN YOU MAY ASK POLICE DETECTIVES, COUNSELORS, SHELTER WORKERS, THE CENTER FOR WOMEN AND FAMILIES, THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE UNIT OF THE COUNTY PROSECUTING ATTORNEY, OR A CLOSE AND TRUSTED FRIEND.
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  #5  
Old 03-08-05, 10:24 AM
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Thank you Stanley for all this information.

It is very important to have a plan in case of emergency. Even more so with kids in the house.
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Lise

I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted. Where is he?

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
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Old 03-08-05, 03:55 PM
Coral Rhedd Coral Rhedd is offline
 

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I would like to add that many people may not be aware that they have the right to actually change their Social Security Number to prevent being traced if the risk to themselves or their children necessitates going "underground."
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Old 03-09-05, 04:26 PM
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Stanley.
Nice work! We are glad to have this information and the links. The guidelines here suggest that written permission is needed to link to sites that provide similar forum style communities and I am happy to grant that permission here and now.

I am not the end of the line on this point necessarily but I'm very supportive.
Thank-you very much. It's a pleasure to have you contributing.
Ian.
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A: Yes.
>Q: Are you sure?
>>A: Because it reverses the logical flow of conversation.
>>>Q: Why is top posting frowned upon?

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Old 03-10-05, 06:07 PM
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…but please remember this:

The reason that the emphasis is usually on women is because they have been given the dirty end of the stick when it comes to the primitive mating strategy.

The remarkable characteristic of the primitive strategy is this: while the male goal is obvious, the female goal is primarily to survive.

The behaviors associated with the female primitive instinct are exceedingly complex. They have evolved to allow the continued success of a strategy developed when females truly had no choice, being driven by their own cycle of estrus, in a rising context of apparent free will and self determination.

As a result, most of the primitive behaviors in modern humans can only be described as a form of rape. Regardless of how the woman involved thinks or feels about it, that is the only proper way to express it.

A woman's impression of what took place is programmed, a safety mechanism for the male involved. All he needs to do is successfully bring it into play.

There is a reason for the bias in favor of women, and fixing that should be one of our primary goals.

Most of us are nice guys, and wouldn't intentionally put the primitive strategy into play for anything.

But it's still there, and until we all learn to recognize it and can immediately understand why stuff like abuse prevention efforts are necessarily skewed in favor if women, the battle for equality isn't over.

Just a little somethin' to think about...
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Peace. --TR =+= =+=

"There is no normal life, Wyatt.
There's just life. Get on with it."

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  #9  
Old 03-10-05, 10:54 PM
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I turned StanleyW's post into a PDF document.

Is there somewhere I can post this for anyone who wants to print out the Safety at Home form and use it?
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Old 05-04-05, 10:49 PM
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Thank you, Stanley! For years I've helplessly watched my brothers be mentally, emotionally, and (I suspect) physically abused. Now I've really got something to bring to the argument.

Thanks again for bringing up this socially distasteful subject, and spreading some information about it.
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Old 08-14-05, 11:04 PM
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Hi
I'm a woman but I also feel that the female to male abuse is not talked about enough and I feel men need to be encouraged to stand up for themselves and I think this is a good thread for ADD/ADHD men in particular....keep up the good work boys!
Quote:
Originally Posted by StanleyW
While I believe violence against women is totally despicable. I believe the media propagetd myth of the wife-beater is out of control. What about husband-beaters? Why aren't they on the news? Why is there no help for them? This always has bugged me so I put these together for fellow men that have and/or will most likey meet and date/marry and abusive women.

Many men do noto recognize common signs of abuse for many reasons like culture, or ego. Some just don't realize women abuse men.
The one defining characteristic of most abused men is that they are extremely embarrassed by their predicament. Most men who have reached out for help have been laughed at or scorned. They are often portrayed as weak and cowardly. This is simply not true.

All types of men are subject to the same types of abuse as women, including physical abuse. These abuses range from a slap in the face to a kitchen knife being plunged into a husband's stomach while sleeping to being run down by his wife who was driving the family vehicle.
Men also report emotional and sexual abuse, including threats and insults, withholding money, controlling personal activities, attempts to change him, unwanted sexual touching, forced sexual activity and sexual degradation.

Some things that are worth thinking about when you're wondering "Am I being abused?" include:
  • Did she embarass or humiliate you in front of other people, including your friends or family?
  • Did she insist that anything you wanted for yourself was selfish and/or wrong?
  • Did she withhold affection to "punish" you for any violations of her rules?
  • Did she intimidate you in any way?
  • Did she threaten you, or threaten to harm herself or anyone else, if/when you left?
  • Did she force you to ask her for money, or take your money away from you? Did she have control of the family finances, so you didn't even know what or when money was being spent?
  • Did she prevent you from taking a job you wanted, or going to school? Did she force you, either directly or through manipulation, to quit a job you had?
  • Did she make jokes about her treatment of you, insist that she never did anything to hurt you, or blame you for her behavior?
  • Did she treat you as if you were her servant?
  • Did she ever make you do things you felt were wrong or illegal?
  • Did she ever belittle your beliefs, or tell you that your faith is wrong?
  • Did she make you leave social gatherings, or restrict your contact with your friends or family?
  • Did she make you feel afraid, or like you needed to be "careful" around her?
  • Did she make you feel guilty or ashamed about yourself, your feelings, your beliefs, or anything else that makes you a unique individual?
Any one of these is a sign of abuse. Only you can decide how many it takes to add up to proof that you were abused.
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Old 08-15-05, 01:24 AM
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yes. men simply tolerate abuse from females, that is why.

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Old 08-18-05, 07:44 PM
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you are so very right. thinking about it right now my twin sister is an abusier.
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Old 08-23-05, 06:51 PM
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your post

did you go through this yourself? if you did how long?
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Old 08-25-05, 08:06 AM
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I am so glad to see what I just read. Thank you very much Stanley! I am actually a lesbian women and not a man but many lesbians do not report abuse as well. Also, I am a client advocate for a womens domestic violence shelter and the information you have provided is much of what we teach as I am sure you well know. I have always wanted to start a shelter for men and then another just for homosexual men and women with staff that really can relate. Maybe I will one day but I think it is great that you are doing your part and getting the word out. Once again, Thank You
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