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  #46  
Old 06-22-11, 04:50 AM
Squirrely Seth Squirrely Seth is offline
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

i was in a very mentally abusive relationship for roughly 6 years (off and on) nearly married the girl at a young age (high school sweethearts). She is incredibly cunningly sinister, passive aggressive, and took advantage of my mental insecurities, turned me against my family, encouraged and directed highly destructive behaviors (drugs, abandon school, etc. ), and looking back was just cruel. Although this was fortunately early on in my life, it feel like I lost some of the most sensitive developmental years. I believe I still truly lack fundamental coping skils to figure out how to learn things with my learning disaiblites such as basic math, science, reading, and writing.

As with any abusive relationship it was hell. Like so many others, it nearly financially ruined me and damaged the relationship with family. However, I admit I am no saint. I carried a very negative attitude, poorly expressed myself, made negative emotion based decisions, said and did mean things, and not having a basic understanding of my ADD certainly did not help. There was back and forth cheating (physically and romantically - two different things yes?) from both parties, which led to a lack of basic trust to be intimate with each other.

Reflecting back I think that watching perhaps too much pornography caused me to be to aggressive and persistent in attempting new things that she seemed weary that I was overly persistent for. However, I tried essentially anything she was game for - even essentially enabling her to chase men after she first broke trust via the initial emotion/verbal abuse and physically cheating . Maybe this is sounding right though. Abuse from any individual of either gender towards another is not just unhealthy, its unacceptable.

I've learned I got enough sh*t to deal with in life that I won't tolerate being treated like crap just to feel love, physical intimacy, or some form of validation, and frankly neither should anyone else. Particularly, if they got any kind of mental issues like ADD. That aside I find the past debate in this thread to be very interesting. Philosophy vs Science to define rape? A Debate over the empirical linguistic context of rape, no? Admittedly, I often get very lost in extracting, remembering, and processing the information I'm reading so i could be totally wrong here. Confusion or not I do enjoy it, may not agree with some of the absolutes.

I think it is interesting to consider rape as "getting away with doing something you shouldn’t, for reasons that aren’t always clear". I sometimes wanted to do things with past or current girlfriend's that are "things I shouldn't do". The question is this defined by society, the partner or something else? Reflecting I realize that its typically the partner and thus typically the action is not carried out unless we talk it out. In this context I do not understand how the term rape can be applied since no use of force to commit an act that violates the ordinary rules governing social interaction has been applied. Its well know that the act of rape is yes not "The behavior seldom has anything to with sexual gratification" its psychological. Which is reinforced with (mental and physical) domination of another's free will. I just wonder why this isn't equally valid if its purely mental? Does that even make sense?
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Last edited by Squirrely Seth; 06-22-11 at 05:15 AM..
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  #47  
Old 07-24-11, 10:43 AM
PuprleBroa PuprleBroa is offline
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

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Originally Posted by StanleyW View Post
While I believe violence against women is totally despicable........................................ ...makes you a unique individual?Any one of these is a sign of abuse. Only you can decide how many it takes to add up to proof that you were abused.

If you experience any of the above, before divorcing, make sure that your wife is actually abusing you and that she is not russian (then this behaviour is ok, because most of the russian women are like this).
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  #48  
Old 07-24-11, 11:24 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

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Originally Posted by PuprleBroa View Post
If you experience any of the above, before divorcing, make sure that your wife is actually abusing you and that she is not russian (then this behaviour is ok, because most of the russian women are like this).
Not sure if serious...

Abuse being part of a culture doesn't make it ok, is cultural female genital cutting Ok then?

If it was a joke...Kinda racist.
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  #49  
Old 08-08-11, 02:05 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

My last relationship that lasted for over 15 years is everything you listed unfortunately. She was bi-polar w/multiple personalities with any pill she could find to abuse herself. She was a genius to lead you on a story, an excuse, a lie, emergency, cry wolf, taking everything and everyone from me. I couldn't eat, sleep, go anywhere, talk with anyone or make friends without her approval. The arguing was everyday because her bi-polar personality changes on a dime.

My solution, planned my own escape with family help. If I didn't have caring family, I would not be here today. I have started to write about my story and I know people with question why I gave her power. The end of my story is the rebuilding of my life emotionally, financially and spiritually.
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  #50  
Old 08-30-11, 11:10 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

My girlfriend used to do a lot of this. She called me fat, lazy, controlling, paranoid, and pretty much anything else she can come up with. She always had to have at least 1 flaw to amplify. I'm fat because I'm 20 lbs overweight. I'm lazy because I don't do dishes or clean after a 12 hour day. I'm controlling because I supposedly give her no money to sit at home and do nothing (realistically it's $150/mo). I'm paranoid because I lock doors. You get the picture. If I say anything about it, I'm too sensitive, I'm a wuss, so forth and so on.

It was really tough at first, but I understood that she does it because she has no self esteem. If she doesn't have something negative to push into me, she has to face all the negatives about herself, and she can't handle that. She's been in too many abusive relationships, and this is her defense, misguided as it may be.

So... since nothing else worked--this is going to sound awful--I decided to fight fire with fire.

When she calls me fat, I call her a moron. It angers her off to no end, but I just tell her, "If you don't like it, then don't call me fat. Have I ever insulted you for no reason?"

When she calls me lazy, I tell her, "No, I work for 40-50 hours a week to provide you and your kids with literally everything you have, and then I go to school to better my life. You do 1-2 hours of work, 1-2 days a week. My apartment has never been filthier, so many of my things have never been broken. Your standard of living has improved since you moved in, and mine has been degraded. Without me, you have nothing. Without you, I have more money and free time than I know what to do with. I don't get on your case about being such a drain and doing so little, because I don't believe in that. If I weren't prepared for it and willing to accept it, then I wouldn't be with you. But this is not a piece of ammunition that will work for you, so do yourself a favor and stop trying to use it. You will regret it every time."

When she calls me paranoid, I tell her, "What, I'm paranoid because I'm not an idiot? We have locks for a reason, and there is no reason not to use them." When she complains, I tell her, "If you don't like being insulted, then don't insult me."

When she calls me controlling for not giving her money, I tell her, "The $150 you keep out of your child support isn't coming from your son's father. It's coming from me. The $300 you get every month just barely covers taking care of your son, and that's where the $300 goes. If you ask his dad or the court, I'm sure they'll tell you that the money isn't for your cigarettes, soda, etc. The fact that you 'keep' $150 is just a matter of convenience, so you don't have to pay me $300 to cover your son's rent, diapers, food, and all the other things you don't pay for, and then have me give you $150 back just so you can have some freedom. You don't need to project your problems onto me, and it's not going to work."

I haven't found a solution for public humiliation yet, but when she changes her attitude around family and friends (starts asking permission for everything from water to cigarettes) I make sure to point out the BS by reminding her that she has never had to ask and generally either takes it or tries to demand it. I'm not sure how else to fight that but with the truth.

Anyway, fighting fire with fire seems to work... after I started doing that, she's backed off A LOT. It feels bad being so mean, but we've gone about 3 months now without any major insults coming from her. And I think the fact that it hasn't changed our relationship is starting to mend some of her wounds. She's been much more affectionate, has started thanking me for things, and seems to have a bit more confidence. She started college. She's been there for me for support getting my own college classes started, and I've been doing the same for her. Abusive people aren't always evil. Sometimes they just need to be forced into a situation where abuse isn't possible or isn't worth it, so they can realize that it's not necessary to survive. But not everyone is strong enough to do that, and not all abusers are so willing to change.
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  #51  
Old 09-06-11, 01:50 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

This sounds so familiar. 15 years ago you just had described my relationship to a T. She messed with my head so badly, I still carry scars from it. Tried to convince me I was a monster, and she was the only one to keep me in line. If the girl who now is my wife, and snoozing with her head in my lap right now, had not taken the risk with me, a man who had been engaged to the same woman for 5 years, I doubt I'd be here today.
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  #52  
Old 09-13-11, 10:33 PM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

Simply put - abuse is abuse. The only thing that is gender-specific is cultural bias. My sister is going through the same ordeal and as I sit and think about it, that is the only real difference. In my mind, the gender of the abuser and abused have no meaning to me. It's just flat out wrong and uncalled for.

However, I do have a question: Those important documents, what if your abuser already anticipated that you were going to leave and they already got a hold of them for "safe keeping" or acquired them quietly and without your knowledge? My sister is stuck with that, plus he has turned the kids against her (Parental Alienation Syndrome).

To sum up in my family's case, most of our frustration is waiting for court dates, lawyers, and filing the court papers now... the first part is over and it's all legal stuff at this point, but got any tips on what to do should you be forced to go without those legal documents?
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  #53  
Old 06-10-12, 11:48 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

I just found this thread. I am a victim of spousal abuse and I'm still married to my wife.
It took me two years of therapy to learn to use the strategies my CBT tried to show me. I found it impossible without ADHD medication.

The most important thing I learned is that we allow ourselves to be abused.
What you tolerate is what you receive and then the abuser ups the ante and the abuse increases. I remember the first time I looked my wife in the eye told her I would not tolerate her speaking to me the way she did, hitting and scratching me or publicly putting me down in any way.

She was astounded and then watched me walk out the door and not speak to her for a month except for discussions about bills and children. If she even raised her voice to me on the phone I hung up and she had to wait until the next day.

She was telling her family and friends I was abusing her before I left. The first opportunity arrived when her mom and brother wanted to have a sit down with the two of us. I brought my dad as a witness to this. There was a point when my MIL said "I just want to know when you are going to stop abusing my daughter?"

I pointed to her and said "I'm glad you asked that because not one but two therapists have told me I am the one being abused." Then I walked out on them.

The last thing a users want is their cover blown. Doing that was the beginning of her learning to control herself.

I can't stress enough that what you tolerate will only let the level of abuse increase.
If you feel your in a dangerous situation leave as soon as possible.
If you are being prevented from leaving call 911.
If you are a male be aware that defending yourself from being physically abused may cause you to injure your female partner. Even pushing her away from you may cause her to fall. You can be arrested for that. Males are generally much stronger. It's a fact that abuse among the genders is equal but woman sustain serious injury much more often. Woman also use objects as weapons more often.

Don't get angry. Get out of the situation. Don't be baited into getting physical.

Leave. Leave. Leave.

If you have children and feel they are unsafe leave the situation get the police involved.
Call from your cell phone and let the police listen in. That way your abuser will not be know to play act that everything is just fine. That is a game many of them will play when caught, you will be made into the abuser. It's hard to tend to your children when you are in jail.

Whether you love and care for your abuser or not these are the steps you must take.
Their behavior is uncontrolled and irrational and that has ramifications that can permanently change your life.
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  #54  
Old 07-07-12, 01:42 PM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

my mother was adhd, she used to slap the **** out of me, by the time I was 10 her slaps stopped hurting me. but the shouting and screaming was horrendous, I know now the feelings I had was depression.
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Old 07-08-12, 05:02 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

My past two serious relationships I was abused in a sense although it sounds stupid. I was raised never to lay a hand on Women no matter what, and I live by that. Anyways both of them would leave black and blue bruises on me,
Pinching, punching, etc along with a ton of emotional abuse. And to set things straight, I dont cheat I never have and never will, I'm not emotionally abusive and I'm 18 now and with both my break ups their parents were on my side which I think says a lot, anyways that's my input and thanks for listening if I tell any of my "friends" that they would just laugh.
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  #56  
Old 12-05-12, 07:12 PM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

This thread has been really helpful. I recently got out of a relationship (with a girl) that lasted about a year. After reading the posts here I'm actually starting to feel 'thankful' that it's over, and I'm not beating myself up for not being good enough to keep her. I am certainly no picnic, but over time her insults and threats became more obscene and alarming, eventually it led to her slapping me, strangling me, and throwing me against the wall several times. Mind you, I'm 6'1", she is 4'11" lol. I know it's hard to picture that but I would never lay a finger on her, so I just 'took it' I guess. I laugh about some of it now, but I'm realizing how damaging it was and still is, she wasn't right for me. Moving on...
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  #57  
Old 12-11-12, 02:56 PM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

Stanley all the guys out there must be thanking you...because you have done a great job by giving this information!
Well done!
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Old 02-01-14, 08:11 PM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

Women can just be insecure also, they can love you and not be an "abuser". My ex girlfriend was certainly an abuser though. Making me feel guilty for things I didn't do wrong, not allowing me to speak to people. Playing with my feelings, putting me down. Making me sick and stressed to the point I wanted to end my life.
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  #59  
Old 02-02-14, 07:29 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

abuse in any form is evil.
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Old 02-02-14, 07:40 AM
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Re: How To Spot An Abuser - For Men

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abuse in any form is evil.
True 'dat.
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