Apologizing too much...and Adult ADD

[chain]

I am sorry to interrupt the flow of discussions here but do you find yourself apologizing too much. Sorry if this touches a nerve with anybody!

[minn306]

Chain~ That is a very good question. I am always told that I apologize to much..............alot of the stuff was not even my fault, but I am apologizing anyway!!

[ditzygirl]

Originally Posted by chain

I am sorry to interrupt the flow of discussions here but do you find yourself apologizing too much. Sorry if this touches a nerve with anybody!

OMGosh, I do it ALL the time. I frequently finish other's sentences and interrupt. And I feel bad but sometimes i can't help it. I'm in the process of getting help so hopefully I'll start to change.

[Nucking_Futs]

OK heres a question, show of hands. How many of us have actually apologized for apologizing too much? *raises hand*

[SB_UK]

Would a possible reason for us apologizing excessively be our heightened sensitivity?

SB.

[free2bme]

I apologize when I feel it's warranted. If I screw up or do something that was wrong I have no problem admitting it. The biggest part of an apology is a change in behavior, which is what I strive for when I've been wrong. I can't stand profuse apologizing from people who continue in the same patterns without looking inside themselves and doing the work required to change. With time I've come to view that as insincere, and a manipulation to get attention. I can deal with that from children to an extent, but from adults I think it's ridiculous. If a person isn't sorry for what they did, why risk losing track of your own beliefs just to utter a few meaningless words? After awhile it seems to me a person could risk forgetting what the heck they really stand for if they say they're sorry when they really aren't. If I say it, I mean it. And since I mean it, I change. It happens a lot more often than I'd like, but I'm a work in progress...

[Nucking_Futs]

I can see a lot of reasons for apologizing all the time. 1.) When I was dx's my husband held ADHD accountable for all of our problems which a lot of them were but a lot of them were his own struggles with controlling his anger. So I would apologize and apologize and apologize for irritating him with my apologies. We went thru a lot of couples therapy and have really worked on these issue's together..now I apologize when something is my fault but do not apologize for things that I felt I had no control over...i.e. I didn't get the checks in the mail because the baby and oldest are sick...that is not my fault, it's life. I did forget to mail the electric bill last week because I was hyper focused on a wood working project...that is my fault and I'm the one who had to drive it up in person instead of mailing it to rectify my mistake.

We're often teased because we don't think like the majority...my kids are often bullied at school because one is smarter then the norm and the other is a little behind so they apologize all the time just feeling its something they must do to keep friends. We're working on helping them notice the difference between false guilt and real guilt.

Koda wrote a letter of apology with his donation for the Tsunami how sad is that? He had nothing to do with it but has extreme guilt that it happened to someone else and not himself. he's a little high strung like his momma.

[Nucking_Futs]

Originally Posted by free2bme

I apologize when I feel it's warranted. If I screw up or do something that was wrong I have no problem admitting it. The biggest part of an apology is a change in behavior, which is what I strive for when I've been wrong. I can't stand profuse apologizing from people who continue in the same patterns without looking inside themselves and doing the work required to change. With time I've come to view that as insincere, and a manipulation to get attention. I can deal with that from children to an extent, but from adults I think it's ridiculous. If a person isn't sorry for what they did, why risk losing track of your own beliefs just to utter a few meaningless words? After awhile it seems to me a person could risk forgetting what the heck they really stand for if they say they're sorry when they really aren't. If I say it, I mean it. And since I mean it, I change. It happens a lot more often than I'd like, but I'm a work in progress...

You still apologize more then you probably should but everyday you do better at realizing what is yours and what is beyond your control. Your right we are all a work in progress...isn't life an adventure.

[free2bme]

Indeed it is....

[SB_UK]

Can't 'sorry' be used with varying degrees of depth, quite appropriately, dependent on context?
The 'sorry' that we use when we've zoned out and missed some essential part of an inconsequential conversation is much less powerful than the 'sorry' that we use when we empathise with a friend's loss.
The 'sorry' that we use when we've mistakenly arrived 30 minutes late for an all night party is different from the 'sorry' that we use when we arrive 30 minutes late for the one night only 30 minute play that our child is performing in.

Do we need to ask which 'sorry' we're discussing here :-) ?
Isn't it as though these different sorries are different words ?

SB.

[chain]

Originally Posted by SB_UK

Can't 'sorry' be used with varying degrees of depth, quite appropriately, dependent on context?
The 'sorry' that we use when we've zoned out and missed some essential part of an inconsequential conversation is much less powerful than the 'sorry' that we use when we empathise with a friend's loss.
The 'sorry' that we use when we've mistakenly arrived 30 minutes late for an all night party is different from the 'sorry' that we use when we arrive 30 minutes late for the one night only 30 minute play that our child is performing in.

Do we need to ask which 'sorry' we're discussing here :-) ?
Isn't it as though these different sorries are different words ?

SB.

The kind of sorry that I am referring to is like a nervous tic. I feel it stems from our lack of "social understanding". Like repeating the mantra "sorry" is going to make up for possibly being offensive or hurtful with that wonderful ADD honesty. I have really cut down on the "sorrys". The fear of offending is palpable but the sorry delivered has no teeth... Real apologies are followed up with an attempt to change behavior, always. I am constantly evolving and hyperaware of other people's feelings. I feel like a bull in a china shop with all of those fragile linear egos out there ;-)

I do also apologize for what other might see as a lack of intellectual capability (Spelling, grammar...etc.). That stems from a very (almost non-existant now) small insecurity borne of being called stupid, airhead and bubbleboy in my childhood.

[Kimalimah]

I think that the "sorries" that always spill out of us stem way back from our childhoods. I see it developing in my son (ADHD). So many mistakes, misunderstandings, failures, frustrations and he says "sorry" like others say "uh"...
It's like conditioning...he always assumes he's wrong and he knows that society (teachers, parents, friends, neighbors) EXPECT an apologiy. Half of the time I don't think he really understands what happened. He knows the "looks" and "tone" well enough, though, to know they all want to hear him aplogize.

For myself, I have learned to slow down the instant "sorry". I have learned that I don't have to apologize for being ME. Sometimes I have to say I'm sorry when my "negative" behaviours get the upper hand and I agree with the above comments that this should then result in an effort on my part to change.

Kim

[pershingd]

Originally Posted by Kimalimah

So many mistakes, misunderstandings, failures, frustrations and he says "sorry" like others say "uh"...
It's like conditioning...he always assumes he's wrong and he knows that society (teachers, parents, friends, neighbors) EXPECT an apologiy. Half of the time I don't think he really understands what happened. He knows the "looks" and "tone" well enough, though, to know they all want to hear him aplogize.

Kim

There it is. That's exactly why I (and probably many with ADD) apologize too much.

David Pershing

[at_wits_end]

Originally Posted by pershingd

There it is. That's exactly why I (and probably many with ADD) apologize too much.

David Pershing

The problem is that after a while, the apologies are meaningless and only serve to further anger those who are being apologized to. Whenever I hear "i'm sorry" from my ADDer, I just roll my eyes (sometimes literally, usually figuratively) and chalk it up to "yeah right, heard that before".

As free2bme said, apologies without actions are just lip service. You're only really sorry if you don't do it again, or at least reduce the frequency of whatever it is you are apologizing for. Anything else is just an insult to my intelligence, and only furthers my feelings of hopelessness that there will ever be any real change.

Curious, do you ADDers really think that "i'm sorry" is enough? Or do you all truly realize that it's bunk to say you're sorry without changing behavior? Not trying to attack, this is what my ADDer does and I'm curious if it's ADD related or just her way of getting past the situation of the moment.

At_wits_end

[SB_UK]

Isn't this kind of use of 'sorry' quite unrelated to that kind of use of 'sorry'.

Isn't it more about, 'leave me alone, I don't know what you mean, I really don't' .... rather than 'I realise my mistake and will not make it again'?

SB.