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  #1  
Old 02-02-14, 01:14 AM
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Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I'm looking for an open ear or perhaps some helpful comments. I am actively seeing a counselor who specializes in adhd as well.

Just a bit of background first. Shortly after our wedding, my wife suggested that I may have adhd based on symptoms in the present and during my entire childhood. I had never given it much thought before and had learned to (barely) cope with the symptoms as I grew up. I was diagnosed and started taking Adderall in October.

My wife and I have been dating since 2007. There was a brief time for about 8 months that we were split up but we reunited and seemed happy enough together. We both still lived at home and we didn't really have many obligations except college. Life was actually pretty good.

About two years ago I bought my own house. I had never lived on my own before so as you can imagine I had my share of bad habits. I would let dishes go for a whole week before cleaning them, leave piles of laundry in the basement and only wash enough to get by, let my fridge and pantry become completely empty before going shopping, etc. Now that I look back, I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I let the place go so much. Needless to say these things drove my wife completely mad. She's a very high-strung, perfectionist, type-A person who does not cope well with stressors. She would urge me to get the house in order every time we talked and every time she came over (she did not move in until we got married). She would routinely get angry when she saw that I had fallen short in doing the chores she suggested (laundry, dishes, picking up, etc).

Looking back, it was around this time that our relationship started to become slightly "tense" and would become increasingly so up to this very day. I was in denial and thought our relationship would eventually spring back once the stress of our busy lives calmed down. The problem is, it didn't. I would go through periods of getting great work done to periods of hyperfocusing on a tv show or other hobby and get very little done. This was especially stressful for us in the months leading up to our wedding because she wanted to have our bedroom, living room and basement ready for when she moved in. I admittedly procrastinated on a consistent basis and we barely got the house ready in time for her to move in a couple weeks before the wedding. We had consistent weekly arguments during this time.

After our wedding, my wife suggested that I look into adhd as a possibility for my low motivation and inability to focus on tasks. I did, and was diagnosed and started Adderall in October. The first month was a rollercoaster, but new medications sometimes are. After the second month, my focus and motivation were greatly increased. I was getting much, much more done around the house in terms of cleaning, organization and maintenance. My wife had acknowledged my improvement multiple times.

Even though my improvements were profound, we had grown apart because of our constant arguing from the previous year. I had become emotionally distant and probably depressed because we were constantly at odds. This emotional distance has caused immense problems between us. I believe it has degraded to a point where she only looks at the "worst case" in terms of everything in our marriage. I feel like I have made many improvements in terms of being a husband, but the warmth and love wasn't there anymore. I put forth an honest effort to improve things between us but it was so hard to emotionally reconnect with her. I admit, I could have tried harder and focused more on romantic, lovey stuff that she enjoys. The problem is, this kind of expression isn't natural to me any longer so I rarely thought of it.

In December and January we fought at least once a week. As time went on, a peaceful resolution was harder and harder to find. These fights were started by minor issues in my opinion. We would be having a fine day and she would have a meltdown because she saw that I had neglected to take the kitchen trash out (even though I cleaned every other bit of the kitchen). I was organizing the entire basement and she became irate because I didn't think to take her wash and place it in the dryer for her while I was down there. The list goes on and on. I always try to be calm when she gets upset, but no matter what I say it ends in her yelling and storming off.

She says she feels like my mom and that she needs to remind me to do everything around the house. I always bring up my improvements, and she downplays them. I gently and kindly confronted her about her angry outbursts and suggested that she be more gentle and patient when I forget to do something, and that I'm working on being more organized but will occasionally need a reminder. This made her explode even more. She even defended her outbursts because these feelings have built up over time. She'll constantly refer past disappointments (pre-ADD medication) and shame me for them. She doesn't feel like I'm making an honest attempt to improve myself but I believe I am.

No matter what the situation, if I have a differing opinion or view than her it will cause her to get very angry. She needs a new car, and because I suggested we look in the $8,000-$10,000 range (lower than what she wants) she thinks that I don't have her safety in mind and am completely ignoring her needs. I know I'm not innocent by any means, but she is always the first to raise her voice despite me being gentle with her.

She also claims that I display no emotion, and have a blank face when we talk or fight. I can see this, and I think it's because of depression from of our degraded relationship, plus a defense mechanism because I never know when she's going to fly off the handle. She thinks it's another neurological disorder and that I'm to blame for all of our troubles. Yesterday she said "you're the bad guy in this marriage" and that "your adhd has taken its toll on me".

For the last week, we hardly talk. She leaves home early and comes home late. She has made it quite clear, both verbally and non-verbally, that she wants to part ways asap. I really wish that we could return to our joyous, deeply in-love former selves but I honestly see no way that this can happen. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from everything, and my willingness to fight for our marriage is gone. There's now a part of me that finds peace in the thought of her not being in my life. Another part is completely heartbroken and grief-stricken that it has come to this.

For those that have read this to the end, thank you. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 02-02-14, 01:24 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Unfortunately, someone so rigid just can't work with a person who has ADHD. I think you likely need to just let go, or you will continue to be abused for having a disorder.

You're not the bad guy in the marriage. It does take two, her rigidity is a huge problem. If you don't meet her ideal mate and that's not your fault.

She is so busy playing victim she'll refuse to take responsibility for her ****.
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Old 02-02-14, 01:33 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Originally Posted by SirSchmidt View Post
... it has come to this.
I believe that it has come to this. I believe you said it yourself and know it yourself, and that what's left is coming to terms with that realization. Falling in love isn't the same as loving. That fact can really really hurt. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.
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Old 02-02-14, 01:37 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

You need to communicate some common grounds with her. She needs to understand that you're trying and that despite giving it 100%, they'll still be times when you will forget to do obvious things. Such is the nature of ADHD.

If there's any groups in your area that specialize in ADHD. You could perhaps take her along to one with you, so that she can develop a better understanding about the disorder and how it can effect day to day life for somebody with it.

Don't let a lack of understanding about ADHD get in the way of your marrage. The solution is to educate her, so that she may better understand.
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Old 02-02-14, 01:50 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
You need to communicate some common grounds with her. She needs to understand that you're trying and that despite giving it 100%, they'll still be times when you will forget to do obvious things. Such is the nature of ADHD.

If there's any groups in your area that specialize in ADHD. You could perhaps take her along to one with you, so that she can develop a better understanding about the disorder and how it can effect day to day life for somebody with it.

Don't let a lack of understanding about ADHD get in the way of your marrage. The solution is to educate her, so that she may better understand.
Sometimes groups are pure poison. Sadly, it sounds like she already came in contact with one of the bitter ***** fest groups.
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Old 02-02-14, 01:57 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Sometimes groups are pure poison. Sadly, it sounds like she already came in contact with one of the bitter ***** fest groups.
I'm not really sure what you're getting at.

What I see here is a lack of understanding about a condition, that is getting in the way of a persons marriage.

I think taking her along to a group where people openly discuss their difficulties living with ADHD, can help her to develop a better understanding about the condition, so that she may develop a better understanding of the struggles her husband faces on a day to day basis.

You can't just shut down a marriage whenever there are road blocks. Otherwise, you'll never maintain a marriage, no matter who you're with.
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Old 02-02-14, 02:32 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I realize that there are always roadblocks in every marriage. However, this is definitely not your average roadblock. She wants out as soon as she can. She is so emotional and set in her ways that there is no reasoning with her. Every time we speak, it's constant accusations towards me. The level of hurt and resentment here is beyond my comprehension. It may seem like I don't want to try, but I feel like no matter what I do or how perfect I become I'll never live up to her standards.

I see where you're coming from though Fraser. I keep juggling back and forth about what to do. I'll be thinking hard about ways to help our situation in the next few days. I'll also talk to my counselor about it. We'll see where it leads us.
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Old 02-02-14, 02:41 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I know the circumstances seem some what impossible, especially when she doesn't seem openly willing to listen.

The way that you describe her behavour, it seems that she may be suffering from some sort of disorder of her own. It sounds as if she has a hard time regulating her own emotions.

She managed to convince you to seek help for your own struggles, perhaps she needs a little convincing to seek help for her own.
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Old 02-02-14, 03:05 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Obviously nobody here can know what's really going on, but from what you have written, I think the relationship has no future. I don't see the basis in trust and respect which is required to be see the best in each other, let alone tackle life's hurdles together.

My wife and i have been married for several years, have two kids, and before I was diagnosed with ADHD (at age 39) she was already helping greatly to "work around" many of the relationship problems it creates. This included a growing inability to interact with our kids without getting exhausted (thank goodness stimulants are helping with that). With ADHD, you need a life partner who can handle alot more than a messy room or a single trash not taken out.

It's possible she is completely stable, but really upset that she found out just after marriage that her partner has a mental condition which can run in families. She may be subconciously sabotaging because she just wants out. Alternatively, she may have some problems with cntrol, and may not be able to handle the unpredictability of someone with ADHD. It's unlikely you will find out. I would stop fighting and give her a graceful exit.

If you really want to try something, you might try giving her "permission to leave". As in, tell her you know this is alot to find out all at once in a new marriage. That you want to see if you can be happy, but that you understand if now, or after a while of trying to work at this, she just can't handle it and needs to move on. It might be enough to get her over her "flight response" enough to see things as they are, instead of fearing what they could be.

The good news is.... finding out you have ADHD can change your life. If you work hard at it, you can figure yourself out, and get into a better place. When you meet the next person, you can have your life (and home) taken care of, and you can feel proud of how you take care of yourself. (you don't have to do it all yourself... get a housekeeper, delegate)
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Old 02-02-14, 04:53 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

The thing is, these issues you have have always been there. Its not like you were some kind of perfect neat guy and gave up after you were married. She knew what she was getting into, and now she abuses you for what you have always been.
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Old 02-02-14, 09:16 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Better the separation happens now than later when you have kids.

One thing to remember......

You were exhibiting ADHD behaviours when you were living on your own, it is unreasonable of her to expect you to change just because you're married.... ADHD or no ADHD... you are you...

It sounds like she was never that into you.... she was into her own fantasy of what marriage to you would be like.

So put it down to experience, move on and next time..... live together for a couple of years before making any commitments.
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Old 02-02-14, 11:33 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Wow, sorry to hear, obviously you have good skills in adjusting and coping, being able to buy a house ain't magic anymore, takes hard work and determination. So, in some arena of your life, she saw something that meshed with her world. And, conversely, you saw something in her life that superseded the rolling disaster you always knew was dragging along behind you.

So what now? Its never gonna be like it was, reality check. Good counselor can help you. No matter what, you are primarily working on you.

If she comes along, great, but you are making your steps for you.
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Old 02-02-14, 04:00 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I am so sorry to read your post! I DO NOT believe that your marriage is over!!! Is it a good situation? Goodness no, but it isn't unsalvageable either. Not by a long shot. (I'm not married but have seen far too many of my friends think that divorce was the answer and it was only going from the frying pan into the fire even for those w/out kids.)

I don't think there is anything going on that a weekly cleaning service as well as individual AND couples counseling can't fix but only if both are willing to do the hard work of compromise, give and take and really live "for better or for worse." There are also must read books on marriage and ADHD that many on here have read and it has saved their marriage. There are also books on ADHD that you and your wife could read to get a better understanding of the disorder in general.

There are many on here with the same story. I'm going to PM one of them and tell him to check out your post and respond to you.

Keep us posted!
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Old 02-02-14, 04:46 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

......First off, there have been several good posts replying to you that I agree with, especially Dave .....



....I am so sorry you're going through this ...and from your logical and well thought out post, I can tell you have put a lot of thought into this......I get the feeling that you have already reached the decision to let her go ....as she wants .....

,.......I don't see this woman being the kind of person who lets anyone get in her way of living her life the exact way she wants....there are people like that, and the best thing to do is slowly back away until you're far enough and then turn around and run like h***........I think you are very lucky to get out of this marriage before any further damage is done .....to you ....

.....I did not read one thing that told me she loves you ......and you have tried to make radical changes to your core self to please her ....not good enough eh ? ....to quote our brilliant Sarahsweet ..."f*** her" ......no one is worth being belittled constantly .....

.....She really showed her true colors when you guys started to live together ....


....Get out as soon as you can, and be sure you have a good lawyer .....it wouldn't surprise me if she made a major grab for your stuff, including your house .....

....This is a self-centered woman and a predator ....dead give away is that it is always about her ...what she wants, whether or not you are in a position to give it to her ....from having a showroom clean house to a car more expensive than you can afford .....you exist to give her everything .....and for that you get to live with her ....whoopee ....


.....From this one post it is obvious that you are worth more than this woman will ever give .....living with someone isn't easy .....it's true, but this person needs far more help emotionally than you ever did ....to me, she shows narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies .....the narcissism is obvious, the psychopathic I get from her complete disregard of what you are feeling....not all psychopaths are serial killers, some, just ruin the lives of people closest to them ....she might not be clinically such, but perhaps low level ....


.....What I have written is based on your one post here, snap judgements to be sure ....but there are red flags all over that post ....and yes love is wonderful no doubt ....but sometimes people fall in love with people who are really not very nice ....and the consequences can be catastrophic .....and there are some nice ladies out in the world .....I hope you will find one .....
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Old 02-02-14, 04:57 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
I'm not really sure what you're getting at.

What I see here is a lack of understanding about a condition, that is getting in the way of a persons marriage.

I think taking her along to a group where people openly discuss their difficulties living with ADHD, can help her to develop a better understanding about the condition, so that she may develop a better understanding of the struggles her husband faces on a day to day basis.

You can't just shut down a marriage whenever there are road blocks. Otherwise, you'll never maintain a marriage, no matter who you're with.
There are discussion groups that help, and there are discussion groups that consist almost exclusively of b**ching, and that encourage radical non-acceptance of the person with ADHD.

When a non-ADHD spouse intentionally shuts down a marriage in this way, it's not just futile to try to salvage it, I believe advising the ADHDer to try harder is directly harmful.
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