Any advice on helping ADD husband to do their chores?

[Pangur]

Hi I'm new to this forum and I've been reading some of the great responses here, you all seem so helpful so I am being brave and posting this.

My husband is a wonderful man and he was diagnosed with ADD a long time ago but it's a mild(ish) variety so he hasn't been prescribed medication for it. He is the most caring and giving soul I know, with all of the positive traits that make people with ADD so lovable, but even after 7 years of marriage we still struggle badly with some things and if anyone has any advice or experience with these I would really really appreciate it.

• Housework has always been a problem for us. I use to be a complete neat freak so of course the clutter and messiness he couldn't really help drove me up the wall. Since then I have relaxed my standards a lot so that I don't worry so much about a bit of mess, but my husband still finds it really hard to get his own chores done (and they're few and far between to start with).
  
  Money doesn't seem to movitate him so I can't introduce a pay-for-chores kindof thing, and I make sure I don't do his chores for him so that it's up to him to do them - but then something as simple as mowing the lawn can take three weeks, and leaving him to do the dishes is impossible. Consequently I shoulder about 80% of the housework as well as working full-time (we both full time) and even though I do my very best not to I feel very resentful towards him at times which leads to my next point...

• My husband has told me that encouragement works really well for him, not critisicm, so I work hard to praise him for the chores he does and to thank him, etc, but it's so incredibly hard sometimes when he's let me down on an issue again and again and I'm expected to greet the situation with sunny optimism and encourage him to do better instead of giving into a natural response and critisicing him (I really do try very hard never to critisice him because I love him dearly I know this hurts his feelings, but sometimes it's so difficult to just bite my tongue and smile, you know?).

He really is such a wonderful person and I want to do what's best for him and for us but after 7 years of trying one thing or another I'm completely out of ideas. Any help at all would be very much appreciated. Thanks for listening

[todd d.]

im on the oppiste end im the add husband and my wife is not as patiend as it sounds you are i want to comend you on feelings ,as im very sensitive to ridicule and when my wife gets on my case anxiaty sets in and im paralized ,but rewards work well use your imagination and keep trying different things you said money didnt motivate him we add'ers are teddy bears so to speak easely distracted the t.v. is a big distraction for me so i now try to not sit downin the living room after work. instead i cool out in my room or my shop i find it easy to sit down and not want to get up till food is on the table or bed time , try change of rutine. for what ever this is worth good luck

[Coral Rhedd]

Pick a chore that absolutely has to be done every day. Let's say the dishes. When he doesn't do them, don't do them for him. He's a grownup. It will eventually reach the point where you cannot cook because you have run out of things to cook with and serve food on. Therefore, calmly explain the problem to him. Tell him you are going out to dinner and that you will return to cooking when the dishes are done, and then go eat -- alone. Don't yell, don't fuss, just go.

[lililegs]

Originally Posted by Coral Rhedd

Pick a chore that absolutely has to be done every day. Let's say the dishes. When he doesn't do them, don't do them for him. He's a grownup. It will eventually reach the point where you cannot cook because you have run out of things to cook with and serve food on. Therefore, calmly explain the problem to him. Tell him you are going out to dinner and that you will return to cooking when the dishes are done, and then go eat -- alone. Don't yell, don't fuss, just go.

I have the same problem as the poster. The trouble with the suggestion above for me is that I can't live that way. I can't live in filth, and if I don't do the chores, that's what I'd have to do. There must be some other option that doesn't force the already frustrated partner to suffer more because of the ADDer's inappropriate behavior.

This solution is also financially frustrating--if you have to go out to eat, you are going to blow your food budget--and again, that's unfair to the non-ADD partner.

There's got to be a better way, doesn't there?

Always hopeful!
-Lili

[at_wits_end]

Originally Posted by lililegs

There must be some other option that doesn't force the already frustrated partner to suffer more because of the ADDer's inappropriate behavior.

**** There is, but most people don't like to think about it. Leave them and move on with your life. I found that was my only option, other than going insane or living a life of quiet desperation!

I should say that moving on was a bit easier for me, as we were not yet married (engaged and living together though). Nor did we have children, or really even intertwined finances, as I was the only responsible adult in the relationship who had 2 nickels to rub together.

You can't make somebody change, they have to change themselves. If they refuse to, then the ball is in your court, and you have only yourself to blame for your ongoing suffering and agony.

Sad but true.

At_wits_end

[lililegs]

Pangur:

Have you tried any of the advice yet? Love to hear if anything works!!

Good luck!
-Lili

[ClearConfusion]

Originally Posted by lililegs

I have the same problem as the poster. The trouble with the suggestion above for me is that I can't live that way. I can't live in filth, and if I don't do the chores, that's what I'd have to do.

Maybe some people can not live with some people. I for one couldn't live with a neat freak who couldn't stand a bit of a mess. It would be to demanding on me in the same way as living in filth would be to demanding on you.

Does your husband have any suggestions how to solve this so that it will be acceptable to both of you -- after all it's he who has these difficulties, so he should try to think of a solution. Would he be willing to do that?

[afia05]

Pangur:

You are NOT alone. I suffer with these same problems with my husband of 5.5 LONG years. It gets VERY old. Praising him for doing something that is expected of any person who is part of a household is next to impossible for me, when I've asked him to do it 18 times and when it finally does get done, it's not complete, only part of it is done, or its done very poorly, so much so that I have to do it again. Honestly, it's easier for me to just do it myself and save myself any disappointment.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that someone would not do the dishes until there were no dishes left, then go out to eat until the dishes got done. (by the way, my ADD husband would probably see going out as a wonderful solution to the problem of no dishes - he would think it was great!) That seems absurd to me for so many reasons, least of which is the money factor. Do we really want to send the message to our children that it's OK, to put off your chores until such an extreme situation arises? He's an adult!! He can wash the dishes, make the bed, take out the trash once in a while for goodness sakes. Besides that.... who has to suffer, while my adult husband is being "trained" to do his chores? Everyone else in the house? We all don't have dishes to use, or we have to smell and look at the trash spilling out of the cupboard, that hardly seems fair, especially to our children, who clearly see that Dad is not doing his chores. How do you cover up that one?

I know that I sound so bitter and cold hearted, but I'm completely fed up. How on Earth do people get through this? It doesn't seem fair that my ADD husband has to be coddled and encouraged through things that cause so much stress and frustration in our family and in our relationship. I feel like he just sits back and smiles, like "you can't scold me.... I have ADD.... it's not my fault"... he says he hopes that I will understand why he has done the things he has done that have hurt me.... And all I seem to be understanding is that he feels he now has an excuse for all the years of neglect and frustration.

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice. It seems to me that they will never learn to just do their chores. Either we (the non-ADD spouse) have to shoulder the burden (as we have been doing) or we have to learn to live in the filth that our husbands are comfortable living in, until they feel its an extreme enough situation to do something about it. That just doesn't seem fair, does it?

Sorry for venting, but thought this may be an appropriate forum to do it in.

[ttjmom]

Great big kudos for those living with us ADDERS. After being married for 23 years my husband (non adder) and I have worked out a solution that works for us. We do it together. His drive keeps me going. The time spent is awesome. We are working on kicking the third child out of the nest and I believe if we had started this routine sooner we could have bi-passed some of our arguments. For instance the day he came in looking for the address book :O and wouldnt you know I could not find that darn thing. He searches thru the Hutch and gets upset. Turns to me and says........ WOULD YOU PLEASE GET THIS ORGANIZED. By then my frustration was boiling.... so I reached in, grabbed a whole stack of papers threw them in the air and calmly said..... "How is that for organization?" he in turn grabbed a drawer full of papers and dumped them and said "how is that for organization?" So you know I had to have the last word..... up went another handfull of papers. We stood and stared at each other for a couple of seconds thru the papers waifting to the ground and began to laugh. Needless to say I spent the next day "organizing".
Thru the years I have learned that the less we have the less there is to mess up.
I am presently burning everything .... the count at this moment is four rooms done and 5-55 gallon drums have gone out the door and to the burn pile. Hubby is estatic. I pull the stuff out and he burns it.
Chore accomplished and we both have our parts of it to do.
Hope this helps.

[at_wits_end]

@TTJMOM -

That's great to hear a successful story. I would note however that it requires YOU to participate in the chores that need to be done, which is the problem many of us non ADDers have. How to motivate the ADDer. Must EVERYTHING be done together in order to get anything done? Do you think that it's unrealistic to expect an ADDer to finally take responsibility and do something on their own initiative, or do we have to hold their hand forever?

Might you be able to suggest what it was that finally got you to do this? Was it really just a matter of throwing paper in the air and realing how silly it was to do that, or was there some other revelation?

Please understand I'm NOT attacking you. Just trying to drag a little more detail out for the benefit of all. You should be congratulated for not being the nightmare ADDer. So, congratulations! Keep up the good work!

At_wits_end

[ClearConfusion]

I would like to comment on the praising of ADDers for doing their chores. I don't think it's the ADD-spouse job to do the praising, especially not in case there is a lot of resentment towards the ADDer for not doing the chore earlier etc. and the praising is not heartfelt. It's the ADDer him/herself who needs to do the praising. If the ADDer is finally about to do the dishes after X days and feels like it's really a big deal and a huge task he/she could just praise away. Like: "Yay! I'm doing great! I'm a good man/woman! I'm doing the dishes! Wooo-hooo!" The ADD-spouse, who thinks doing the dishes is not a big deal, just a tedious task that you just do and get over with, could maybe comment on it in a neutral voice. If the ADDer for example says: "I've done the dishes!" the ADD-spouse could say:"OK." and maybe add "that's good" or something if it feels possible.

So, I don't think that the ADD-spouse should be required to praise, but if the praising is spontaneous and heartfelt it's another thing.

For you who are wondering how to get your ADD husbands to do their chores: Is there something that you detest doing in the household that your husbands don't? Then maybe they could start with taking on that chore.
For example; my boyfriend hates to do the laundry so I've taken that as my area of responsibility. It doesn't mean that I don't need to do anything else, but it's something to start with. Like a base you may say.
Now, if I'm going to be responsible for doing the laundry I also need to keep track of when we need clean clothes, when we're almost out of them, I need to remember to book the laundry room, etc. The administration of doing the laundry so to speak. So if your husbands take on some chore they also need to think of how they will administrate that chore.

[crime_scene]

Not sure if this is totally an ADD thing. As nonadd I would love to do the chores with my partner, it sounds great. My dad has always been like this, I noticed, and my mom has spent 50 years tryin to get him to do chores or tasks unsuccessfully.

I told her what I noticed, that Dad cheerfully did almost anything if someone would work with him, but she never took advantage of that.

so as it stands now, she has a lot of bitter resentment and a lot of stuff never gets done!!!!

[alagirl]

When I first came on these forums, I was stunned at all the posting about the ADD person who wouldn't clean the house. it's a big deal, and very hard to cope with. I've been with my ADD guy for more than two years. I'm older, so I've had many relationships with men who don't think household chores are part of what they do. I said "never again" but here I am. Several things have happened in this relationship. I've gotten less picky. I've declared certain rooms mine and they stay straight and fairly clean and then I don't worry about the space where he works. The best motivation for cleaning the house always is that someone is coming to stay with us (or if the house is dirty and we're not about to have visitors, I'll have some people over for dinner). If it's one of our adult kids coming to visit, that seems to work the best -- then the vacuum comes out, even the kitchen floor gets done. Last week, I watched my guy try to make a list of thing he should do, and then almost have a breakdown because he couldn't do it. I feel so bad for him and know he's not doing any of this "to" me. He's tried so many meds and nothing worked. But he has an appointment soon with someone with a good reputation who's apparently supposed to work with you on dosage, etc. I won't get my hopes raised too high, but want him to get some relief.

[crime_scene]

I think trying counts volumes. Not trying is very depressing.

[ttjmom]

I completly understand what your saying. What it finally boils down to is the ADDER having to pull their butts out of their head and realize that the only motovation that they will receive is inside themselves. I got tired of the nagging to get things done and he got tired of nagging. If something is bothering him around the house he says please and I make myself do it because ultimatly I am the only one that can. He also knows that if he begins something with me my hyperfocus will take over and the job will be completed. He has had to learn that perfection will never come from me. He also knows that praising me just makes me feel like a kid, but if he says "OH that is wonderful" and then helps to keep something the way I cleaned it is much better. But I will do what I can to make him happy. I see my son (adhder) and wife going thru the same battles. So I am interested in anyother persons views on this so I can help my daughter in law cope.
Hope that somehow answers all of your questions.