Detaching With Love

[Tweetie411]

I see how detachment can work with other relatives, but I don't want to have to detach from my partner when it comes to money or taking care of things. He and I both need to be able to do everything for ourselves, not because we have to now but because there are no guarantees in life and so you just never know when you might have to be in a situation where you have to take care of 100% of things for yourself. If I can't trust him to handle money equally with me, then I feel I have no business marrying him. Financial communication early on in the relationship can prevent SO MANY problems. I think a lot of couples like to hope they'll never have to talk about money and it will just magically resolve itself.

[Tweetie411]

So is this detachment theory saying that you can never experience true intimacy and let people in completely? It seems like life would suck if you always had to keep everyone at arms length and couldn't fully trust anyone. I hope that you don't have to detach from everyone in your life.

[Ian]

Originally Posted by Tweetie411

I see how detachment can work with other relatives, but I don't want to have to detach from my partner when it comes to money or taking care of things.

I'm not sure we're on the same page when it comes to the term "detachment." I don't think the article suggested disengaging, but instead, an emotional detachment that facilitates letting go of what I can't control while remaining empathetic and compassionate. There's a world of difference between the two.

Please quote the parts of the information you found to suggest the points of concern you raise. I don't see them.

Originally Posted by Tweetie411

He and I both need to be able to do everything for ourselves, not because we have to now but because there are no guarantees in life and so you just never know when you might have to be in a situation where you have to take care of 100% of things for yourself.

This would be ideal for me too, but it doesn't seem to work that way in my life. I have strengths that my partner doesn't and visa versa, so we rely on a team effort and accept the risks of the insecurities that imposes. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or mistaken entirely about my values so I'll take what I see as a cultured trusting human bond that is interdependent as sufficient security. It's all I'm capable of it seems.

It has never been particularly easy for me to engage in trusting relationships so it has been particularly rewarding for me to learn to engage with people this way. Detaching with love has helped me attend to my own role in facilitating these encounters and to withdraw farther from being so ego centric as I'm prone to being.

Originally Posted by Tweetie411

If I can't trust him to handle money equally with me, then I feel I have no business marrying him. Financial communication early on in the relationship can prevent SO MANY problems. I think a lot of couples like to hope they'll never have to talk about money and it will just magically resolve itself.

My wife was the same. We've been married twenty two years and she's always looked after the bulk of our money. It's been a good thing too, but everyone deals with this differently. I think if our genders had been reversed in our marriage, it would not have been as healthy for either of us if I had the bulk of the financial control. I expect there are far more women out there that know and appreciate how destructive it is to be powerless and without influence in this regard. Fortunately for me, even though I earn far less than my partner, she has always believed it important to account for me having some control over some segment of our income exclusively. Although I struggle to create income for myself relative to her income, this privilege has lead to a very strong commitment to our combined efforts financially and that's been one more way my partner has detached with love to good end.

Originally Posted by Tweetie411

So is this detachment theory saying that you can never experience true intimacy and let people in completely? It seems like life would suck if you always had to keep everyone at arms length and couldn't fully trust anyone. I hope that you don't have to detach from everyone in your life.

Again, please quote the parts of the article that suggest your concern. I didn't get the message you suggest here at all.

My relationships are far more intimate now having learnt some of these skills well than would have ever been possible without them. It's the whole point of the exercise for me. I do not want more distance from my loved ones, I want just the opposite. I want a great deal of intimacy. The more the better as far as I'm concerned.

By "let people in" I would not like to suggest that I leave myself so vulnerable as to endanger myself in some way, but at this point in life I have some experience with risk management hopefully and don't need to extend the risk factors too far beyond any dangerous imaginary line. I still can't predict the future though so nothing is risk free for me.

I don't detach from anyone in the way you are using the term. I'm the guy that goes through the check out counter and dedicates himself to cheering the clerk who is so obviously struggling to finish her shift. These principles are not harsh or disrespectful or somehow defensive or negative. Just the opposite. It's a means of detoxifying my relations with the world around me.

In all of this it's been paramount for me to understand and more importantly practice changing myself and not focusing that energy on others. I can't change anyone. I can be an example, I can speak to others when asked for help, but for the most part I have enough on my own plate that needs attention to never need to attend to another persons shortcomings. In order to do this I have to detach and allow others to be themselves and give myself permission to see more of what is and not so much of what I'd like it to be.

That reality check has been my ticket out of some very old dysfunctional loops that had been repeating through many generations in my family. Once aware of some of them I spent a great deal of energy blaming others for my difficulties in one way or another. Detaching with love allowed me to get out of that sick habit and take responsibility for my own role, and begin to change those things that I could change in myself and to let go of those things that were beyond my control. Lots of practice has brought me some of the wisdom required to tell the difference between the two. Detaching with love has been the key to some deeply intimate and satisfying relationships. Some of those relationships are now with people that did me great harm years ago and those are beacons for more joy ahead as I see it.

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
Shel Silverstein

Peace.
Ian

[Tweetie411]

I was referring to what others said about the article here more than the actual article.

[Ian]

Originally Posted by Tweetie411

I was referring to what others said about the article here more than the actual article.

Yes, I too had noticed that the thread had gone astray and become a conversation not about detachment, but seemingly to me, about something else entirely. Given that threads tend to stay on topic here when possible I thought I'd try and clear the way for getting back to the subject of the thread.

I did not mean to single you out, but I did want to ensure that people that might benefit from the original concepts being discussed, would not become mislead by something other than the direction that was set out in the original content that started this thread.

If there is interest in whatever it is that you and maybe some others seem to gravitate toward conceptually, maybe you could clarify it in another thread? I'd sure like it if you could grasp the concepts in the original post and discuss it here though if you would care to. I think this is a very important and successful coping strategy for so many of life's pitfalls.

It seems like it's a completely foreign idea to a lot of folks. I think it's a life saver for getting out of a life filled with fear, blame, resentment and anger.
Respectfully.

[Tweetie411]

I prefer to try to not let myself get into situations where I have to detach in the first place. Why even let those people in in the first place?

[Ian]

Ah yes, enlightenment. I'm all for it.

[meadd823]

This is the relationship area - the original topic is detaching with love.

I understand from reading several responses that there may be some confusion as to the meaning behind the words. By all means feel free to ask for clarification. I wish to thank Ian for his willingness to address this area.

However discussions on enlightenment are better addressed in our meditation and spirituality area - this particular thread is dealing with personal boundaries and intimate relationship issues .

Detaching means letting go of all attempts to control others - it is giving spouse, life partner, son, daughter {people who are close to you} the freedom to reap the consequences {weather they be good or bad} of their actions.

This discussion is about maintaining a healthy self identity while sharing your life with others. The topic addresses the difference between caring for some one and emotional enmeshment.

If you wish to address other issues outside of the scope of personal relationships and healthy boundaries I must I insist you begin another thread.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.


P.S. I apologize for my tardiness.

[TalkingTina]

Thanks Ian. Will be going to an al-anon meeting again soon. I come from very emeshed family, but one that self-educates and is always looking to improve, while my DH comes from a very detached family and now feels we are too different. He has started drinking a lot more lately - alone (my mother alerted me to the red flag there), and says that he has given his cell number to a woman who knows he married, because to talk to her is a release. He says he wants a divorce. I am having a hard time detaching. Loving is the easy part. I just hate that he is doing the opposite of what it says in the Bible - when he used to read it so often and went to Promise Keepers 2 times - He even has an "I love my wife" bumper sticker on the back of his car. I don't feel loved, but I won't lay down with welcome on my back either to let him wipe his feet (benefiting from my love while he is emotionally intimate with another woman). God doesn't want that either, so... I'm working on loving me through these dark times. Thanks again for you inspiration. I have encouraged 2 other emershed moms to consider al-anon to help them detach from their ADD sons - but they are rescuers - for now.

God Bless.

[Addr68]

I thought of my family when reading this. Thank you

[Ian]

TalkingTina, I'm not Christian, but I can sure relate to the pain of broken promises and the strength of detaching with love. Detaching with love continues to be a potent force for good through me. I hope you find some peace within yourself sometime soon. The pain sounds enormous. My heart goes out to you. Love is an action and it sounds like you understand that. Good on you.

Addr68 - I can imagine an afternoon drinking at the fountain of wisdom your Mum likely brings to the table. ;^)
Cheers!

[ToadysFroggy]

Originally Posted by Tweetie411

I see how detachment can work with other relatives, but I don't want to have to detach from my partner when it comes to money or taking care of things. He and I both need to be able to do everything for ourselves, not because we have to now but because there are no guarantees in life and so you just never know when you might have to be in a situation where you have to take care of 100% of things for yourself. If I can't trust him to handle money equally with me, then I feel I have no business marrying him. Financial communication early on in the relationship can prevent SO MANY problems. I think a lot of couples like to hope they'll never have to talk about money and it will just magically resolve itself.

My husband and I have always maintained separate bank accounts, mostly due to problems we each had with our previous spouses. Up to a point, I found a way to keep the joint account with my ex, reasonably balanced except for when he did not give me ATM receipts and would then guesstimate how much his numerous withdrawals for the week would total...(they were always wrong)

I am the one with the dx'ed ADD that is managed with medication and he is the one who we believe has it but has found that his overcompensating has served him well for this long, why change things...(I could no longer deal with over-compensating)

Back in July, after we had had a massive fight because he was mad that he was always giving me extra money each month, the fight came up when he asked why I was always out of money! My son used to get monthly social security checks after his father died when he was 17.

I was supposed to use that money for my son's health insurance, prescriptions, doctor's appointments and whatever else and whatever I spent over the amount of the check, my husband would then give me the money back.

When he reached 18, those checks were supposed to stop but because he was still in High School, they were allowed to continue. I got very sick, with Bronchitis the entire winter and totally spaced it to send in the form. I also, was never very good about balancing my checkbook, so I didn't think to look closely for those deposits. When I went back to bank statements, I noticed that there were never deposits for those checks! I called SS and am still sending them the paperwork to get those back checks because that was over $5K.

I decided to close my bank account and let him manage my finances...had him only give me 25 per month as allowance so I would not have the burning desire to spend 100 on things I want rather than what I need...

Anyway, long story short, my husband just had his birthday this year, and as a "gift" I took my Chanukah gift from my grandmother and opened my own bank accounts again. I entered everything into Quicken and will ask for help should I find it overwhelming me. I still have him manage most of my finances but opening my own account, has helped me refind some of my necessary independence and my need to take responsibility!

As of 5 minutes before writing this post, all of my accounts are balanced to the penny. That includes what is in my wallet and a self-imposed savings account that I made...I am even keeping track of the change I throw into my coin jar!

[Paco_Loco]

When considering this detaching with love can it work on both sides of a relationship? I am beginning to understand more about ADD and ADHD the more I read and this seems to make alot of sense to me. I see how this can help but can it work for the non-add person as well? Or would this come across to the person with add as being un-caring?

I read this thread a few months ago and having a clearer head now and having re-read it again it makes complete sense to me. It shows (me at least) how internally someone may unintentionally be detaching, themselves with the people and the life around them in an effort to make better sense of what it is they want to do. It cannot be easy to have to make a conscious decision to have that step back approach to people that have been close to you in the past.

Is there a good way to thank someone for detaching themselves from you? Or is it one of those things that is better left unsaid?

[Ian]

Originally Posted by Paco_Loco

When considering this detaching with love can it work on both sides of a relationship? I am beginning to understand more about ADD and ADHD the more I read and this seems to make alot of sense to me. I see how this can help but can it work for the non-add person as well? Or would this come across to the person with add as being un-caring?

I read this thread a few months ago and having a clearer head now and having re-read it again it makes complete sense to me. It shows (me at least) how internally someone may unintentionally be detaching, themselves with the people and the life around them in an effort to make better sense of what it is they want to do. It cannot be easy to have to make a conscious decision to have that step back approach to people that have been close to you in the past.

Is there a good way to thank someone for detaching themselves from you? Or is it one of those things that is better left unsaid?

Hey Paco
It's a universal principle as far as I know. It works for anyone that chooses to practice it.

I don't see it as stepping back, but instead more like stepping forward. For me it's been about transition and not about withdrawal at all. I'm more engaged in more meaningful ways with people now than before I had some of these skills.

I hope you're not mistaking detaching for withdrawal. Many seem to make that mistake as this concept appears to be very foreign to many folks.

An example of a detaching with love, for me, would be to not get angry about some irritating mistake someone is making and letting my emotions go to be loveing instead. The article speaks to the topic far better than I can. I would encourage you to read it half as many times as I have read it. I still have lots to learn on this topic.

I try and thank people by my improved actions.
Cheers!

[TreeStar44]

Hi everyone! I'm new around here, but this seems like the place I need, so here goes:

I'm recently diagnosed with inattentive ADD, and I'm in a relationship with someone who is diagnosed ADHD but is not being treated.

One problem I've found is that since being on meds for ADD, which help me TREMENDOUSLY with focus, can sometimes be a bad thing when it comes to relationships because then if a problem comes up in relationship, I am FOCUSED on it. I feel I am hypersensitive to every forgotten phone call, thirty minutes late meeting up for lunch, etc. and take it as a personal blow. Once I start thinking about it, I almost obsess over it. When I get so focused on the problem, it seems the only cure is to "talk about it" with my significant otherm however it seems like we're having the same conversation every single day.

So, for those practicing the detaching with love...do you have strategies for ways to let your brain sort of let go of the feelings of needing to control, etc. on your own? Do you all have this hyper-focusing on problems thing going on as well?