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  #76  
Old 02-02-11, 11:42 PM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Thanks so much for posting this, this is something I struggle with every day.
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  #77  
Old 02-02-11, 11:57 PM
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Re: zazen

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian View Post
If on the other hand if it is deemed to be beyond my control, then I have to let it go.
Makes sense. Why didn't I think of that...

Quote:
Once I began to have faith in the process of letting go, I began to meditate
Say what?

My deepest apologies. I was mistakenly under the impression I was posting on an ADHD forum. Clearly I'm horribly confused. Apologies for the interference.

I tried meditating once. I might try it again, after I give waterboarding a shot and take a blunt kitchen utensil to my gonads.

------

Forgive my aggressive tone. Of course it is merely masking my envy. But seriously, do you have ADHD or...what's going on here?
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  #78  
Old 02-27-11, 07:53 PM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Thank you so much for sharing this article and your own experiences. My whole family has ADHD, but my son and I are getting treatment, while my 22-year-old daughter is not. She doesn't contact her father or me unless she wants something. If she doesn't get it, she attempts to eviscerate me; if she does, she doesn't as much as say "Thank You" before disappearing again. In the last month I have detached from her - attempting to do so lovingly - but have felt pretty wretched. I can't tell you how much peace the article brought me. I've already shared it with her dad.

Whenever the situation gets me down, I plan to re-read the article. Thanks again for sharing it.
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  #79  
Old 02-28-11, 12:49 AM
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Re: Detaching With Love

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Originally Posted by ADHD Me View Post
Thank you so much for sharing this article and your own experiences. My whole family has ADHD, but my son and I are getting treatment, while my 22-year-old daughter is not. She doesn't contact her father or me unless she wants something. If she doesn't get it, she attempts to eviscerate me; if she does, she doesn't as much as say "Thank You" before disappearing again. In the last month I have detached from her - attempting to do so lovingly - but have felt pretty wretched. I can't tell you how much peace the article brought me. I've already shared it with her dad.

Whenever the situation gets me down, I plan to re-read the article. Thanks again for sharing it.
I know I've got it right when it's empowering. It comes to feel good. I know this as love now. It's not at all like two halves trying to make a whole. :*) I believe you've got the gist of it. The rest is all practise, and well worth the time and effort.

I like your way with words.
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Old 06-01-11, 02:12 AM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Thank you so much for sharing with us. Its really interesting information.
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  #81  
Old 06-30-11, 07:14 PM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Great thread!
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  #82  
Old 06-30-11, 11:58 PM
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Re: Detaching With Love

I think this is an interesting way to look at love. I mean really, what is love? Is it the interaction between Jack and Rose in the Titanic? Is it feelings or is it action?

The take that I had from briefly reading the article is to let the other person cope with their problems. I think someone posted on here its human nature to try to bring a person back to a level of homeostasis. It seems like we are part of society that desires to fix things. These intentions are all well and good. However, how often do people want someone to fix their problems for them? In my social interactions, people want a decent listener and someone to empathize.

It's really a challenging way to look at "helping" someone. So often, helping someone is seen as an action word that requires the individual to do something. It's helpful when someone grabs bags of groceries for their mom, and it is helpful to tell someone what they need to do to fix something. However, is the latter really helpful?

The article poses points that you can actually be a facillatator of someone's growth. That's incredible to me, and it sounds like a wonderful way to impact someone's life. It talks about them developing and growing. You do love them in showing them your time, compassion, and empathy. It's just a little different and maybe that's really what love is.
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  #83  
Old 07-19-11, 01:16 AM
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Re: Detaching With Love

... check out Al-Anon....they have hammered out an answer for a desperate problem and it can work...

sometimes...course that is for a possibly solvable desperate problem...

you can...might... stop drinking but you just can't stop ADD....

this is psychoculture-bable for allowing others to flush their lives down the toilet while you watch them thrash about....i do understand why this is a popular notion....

my marriages were/are a disaster. Sort of like watching a slow motion explosion....

very few people can accept that their partner is 'crazy' and just walk away without guilt....
this may be a way to do that and tell themselves that they are 'helping'....

in sadness and acceptance i find that i prefer rage and abandonment to being patronized and pitied for my insanity....

you may find as i have that you eventually just accept being alone.... it is what crazy is all about.....

i apologise for this message please ignore it as it has little value being just my opinion......
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  #84  
Old 07-19-11, 11:01 AM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Quote:
Originally Posted by mikemy View Post
... check out Al-Anon....they have hammered out an answer for a desperate problem and it can work...

sometimes...course that is for a possibly solvable desperate problem...

you can...might... stop drinking but you just can't stop ADD....

this is psychoculture-bable for allowing others to flush their lives down the toilet while you watch them thrash about....i do understand why this is a popular notion....

my marriages were/are a disaster. Sort of like watching a slow motion explosion....

very few people can accept that their partner is 'crazy' and just walk away without guilt....
this may be a way to do that and tell themselves that they are 'helping'....

in sadness and acceptance i find that i prefer rage and abandonment to being patronized and pitied for my insanity....

you may find as i have that you eventually just accept being alone.... it is what crazy is all about.....

i apologise for this message please ignore it as it has little value being just my opinion......
Al-anon is where this first came to light for me. I do not believe it's a process that is only appropriate for possibly solvable desperate problems. It works there too, but I apply it to a much broader base of my life. It's worked for me in all aspects where I'm bothered by things I can't control.

Stopping drinking does not solve anything. Growing up does. Maybe not the most welcoming of social statements, but that's the long and short of it. Drinking is a symptom. Take the drink away and there is a dry drunk with only the emotional intelligence they had before they quit.

Detaching from the trials involved in loving someone with a drinking problem is the very essence of detaching with love. It's where I learnt it first. It's the basis of the whole of the Al-anon as I understand it. Worth investigating.

It's a popular notion because it works. Not fashionable and damn hard to swallow, but it fits with a wide range of spiritual principles aside from religion. It's quite fundamental when the homework is done. Change is not something that comes easily to many of us. To call it psyco-bable is frankly ignorant. It would be the odd professional healthcare worker that would dispute it's merit when asked.

Love is never belittling or demeaning. Detaching with love remains a vehicle for me to stand on my own two feet physically, mentally and spiritually without being a slave to my past destructive cycles.

Anger and resentment can be left behind and that's left more room for a much more vibrant existence.
Peace.
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  #85  
Old 11-17-11, 11:34 PM
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Re: zazen

If I can identify in my gut something that is bothering me, I can then try and figure out whether it's something I can change or something that's beyond my influence.

If it's something I can influence, then I set to work to do something positive to change it. If I'm on the money with this choice, I am no longer bothered about it.

If on the other hand if it is deemed to be beyond my control, then I have to let it go. I have to let it go all the way down into my core until my gut knows it's released. I wasn't good at hearing those messages in the beginning.


Thank you for your post. What a journey this is - but one that really is worth the sweat and tears, for sure. What I have found very important to do is to breathe - first - and say to myself (in my head, of course )
"IN WITH THE GOOD AIR, OUT WITH THE BAD AIR".
After I do this several times, I can clear my head and really focus on these steps. Thanks again for your post.
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  #86  
Old 02-25-12, 02:14 AM
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Re: Detaching With Love

My 26 year old son is a self diagnosed ADDer that refuses to get professional help. He is living at home again after being on his own for most of a year. He came home stressed out and broke. He loses his job every few months and it breaks my heart that he is not even able to keep menial jobs even though he is a brilliant and ambitious young man but is so debilitated by this disorder. He doesn't seem to have any insight as to why he keeps losing jobs and recently when I asked him what he could do differently, he said "I'll just keep doing what I've always done and some day it will work out." Meanwhile his self esteem is suffering every time it doesn't work out. I know I am cushioning him from the real effects of ADD by making his life as comfortable as I can but the "mother" in me finds it hard not to! I also worry that if he comes to the end of his rope and I am not there for him, he may take his own life, as many do. How can I encourage him to seek help without letting him hit the bottom?
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  #87  
Old 02-25-12, 02:23 AM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Quote:
Originally Posted by bug in a rug View Post
My 26 year old son is a self diagnosed ADDer that refuses to get professional help. He is living at home again after being on his own for most of a year. He came home stressed out and broke. He loses his job every few months and it breaks my heart that he is not even able to keep menial jobs even though he is a brilliant and ambitious young man but is so debilitated by this disorder. He doesn't seem to have any insight as to why he keeps losing jobs and recently when I asked him what he could do differently, he said "I'll just keep doing what I've always done and some day it will work out." Meanwhile his self esteem is suffering every time it doesn't work out. I guess he needs to come to the end of his rope before he'll admit he needs help and that's where this detachment issue comes in. I know I am cushioning him from the real effects of ADD by making his life as comfortable as I can but the "mother" in me finds it hard not to! I also worry that if he comes to the end of his rope and I am not there for him, he may take his own life, as many do. How can I encourage him to seek help without letting him hit the bottom?
does he understand what ADHD really is and how it can affect a persons life? If there is a way for you to help enlighten him in this area then he might gain enough knowledge to help himself. Tell him about this site. Read and learn all you can here, maybe print some good threads.

Also check out "Dizfriz's corner" in the patenting section. Although your son is an adult the information in that thread is priceless stuff.

Welcome to the forums by the way!
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  #88  
Old 02-25-12, 10:42 AM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Hey Bug. Welcome to the forum.

This thread has been going a long time and many people have answered questions throughout it that might brighten your path a bit. I hope you take the time to wade through the content carefully.

This thread was hatched with just your type of struggle in mind. It was my struggle too. It's how I learned how to remain loving while modelling a better way for those I love. It's also how I came to meet with more success myself when these principles came into play around me as my wife got healthier.

I've come to believe that I can only change myself and not others directly. In doing so I offer the best chance to become a target for questions when and if they arise. It's an old and potent source of strength. Wishing you both well.
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  #89  
Old 02-25-12, 10:48 AM
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Re: zazen

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna3000 View Post
If I can identify in my gut something that is bothering me, I can then try and figure out whether it's something I can change or something that's beyond my influence.

If it's something I can influence, then I set to work to do something positive to change it. If I'm on the money with this choice, I am no longer bothered about it.

If on the other hand if it is deemed to be beyond my control, then I have to let it go. I have to let it go all the way down into my core until my gut knows it's released. I wasn't good at hearing those messages in the beginning.


Thank you for your post. What a journey this is - but one that really is worth the sweat and tears, for sure. What I have found very important to do is to breathe - first - and say to myself (in my head, of course )
"IN WITH THE GOOD AIR, OUT WITH THE BAD AIR".
After I do this several times, I can clear my head and really focus on these steps. Thanks again for your post.
When I read this I feel terrific. It is always a great pleasure to hear the same thing said in a different voice. Brilliant. Thanks for the gifts you share. Spreading the joy.
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  #90  
Old 02-25-12, 03:47 PM
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Re: Detaching With Love

Thank you Blueranne,
He read "Delivered from Distraction" a few years ago, saw himself in it and followed some of the advice for awhile. He took Omega 3 & 6 suppliments but didn't think it helped. I've encouraged him to read the book again but he refused.

I reviewed Dizfriz's corner as you suggested and found some helpful information.
I will certainly recommend this site to him.
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