Adults with ADD feeling phony at work?

[jimmmaaa]

A new member, Jonathan, described exactly how I feel very often at work. He said,

Maddeningly, I am given a lot of freedom to do what I want how and when I want, which is great, - but I can't really cope with it. There are spells of high productivity, and the work I do is good and thorough, if/when I finally do it, but I go for long periods being completely stuck.

I am very trusted by my supervisor and other superiors. I think the things I have going for me is I come through on big projects that really have a big impact. I also work well with the team and can have some innovative ideas.

I also know that I have HUGE periods of time where I am doing a lot of things that are not directly related to my job, or not related at all. Writing poems is the latest thing. Before that it was going through every online telecom forum that realated to my job (That at least was work realated). Other times I have compiled a ton of song lyrics with chords. There have been various things...

I guess I always having this feeling of walking the tightrope, always trying to balance my interests with what I feel sometimes is an illusion of great employee and other times a true feeling of being a great employee. I have been at my current job 3 1/2 years and have always gotten great reviews through 4 different bosses. I have gotten good raises for the economy that we are in. I have started a User Group related to the phone system that I work on(Avaya). My peers and superiors like me a lot and I can truly say that I like working for this company....But I am always there is always that tightrope feeling, that balance act.

Does anyone else have that type of feeling? Frankly, sometimes I feel like a fraud. But how I feel now is better than I used to feel about work, for a long time I was always bemoaning how boring my job is, not publicly to my boss or co-workers, mainly to trusted conifidants and my wife. I realized though after a while that I was wasting a lot of energy on that negative crap and had to move on from that. But still the tightrope feeling remains.....

Can anyone relate to that?

[why]

Oh brother can I relate! When and where do you think I'm typing this? I'm in the I.T. field and my situation is simillar to yours - big projects that have a noticable impact on the company separated by long periods of non-work related "playing".

I always feel like a fraud, even if I managed to pull another one out of a hat and get a successful result from a project I feel like I "got lucky". I think it has much to do with the way I work: first 90% nearly unnoticable progress, next 10% feverish activity. That last 10% is usually done at the last possible minute and I find myself "defocusing" and going on instinct to be able to achieve that result. If I didn't "defocus" I'd get stuck on every element and fail the deadline. It's because of this "defocusing" that I don't trust my work - I feel as if I wasn't careful and analytical enough. This is the aspect of my personality which feels most like ADD to me.

[smooch]

Ooooohhhh, boy! Can I ever relate to this!

I have ALWAYS felt like a fraud--artificial. In fact, I went through that training in Dallas that Dr. Phil founded several years ago (he was no longer involved in it when I went through, though) and those people called me on it! Had to wear a nametag with "ARTIFICIAL" on it. I was livid and raged about having to wear that thing! I took it as a "Susie-Q," "Snobby Sally" type of description, but since then, I have learned so much more about myself from that simple nametag. My perceptions of being called "artifical" were not at all how they meant it.

I have always played a "perfect" role in whatever job I've had. I get good reviews, I'm considered a "good employee," but I feel like I've pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. Not that I want to be seen as a "problem employee," but I'm at work right now, and I've only done about an hour's worth of work. The rest has been surfing. I try to be careful whom I allow to witness my emotional flares about this job (I thank the Lord I'm surrounded by a couple of trustworthy folks), but even then I really have to "edit" myself. And I resent that. I resent my job. I want to be me, not be crammed into the "good ol' boys club" and follow the "corporate protocol" crap.

Ok, pardon me. Reigning in a vicious rant I felt coming on. Of course, I've already established with yall that I'm a terrible fit with this particular job. No need to state (and restate....) that fact.

Bottom line is, I'm a GREAT actress at work, and I can't deny that I've taken advantage of my "good standing" a time or two. Somethimes I feel guilty about it; sometimes I don't.

[jimmmaaa]

I am glad there are a couple people out there like me in this area.

I feel the same way in that sometimes I do feel really guilty, like now, and at other times I don't have one hint of guilt. It is somewhat of a contradiction in how I am. Maybe it is not really worth dwelling on too long, but I guess what Jonathan said really struck a chord in me. I guess I will have to sort through it by writing a poem or something

[joanrdtobe]

James: I suspect more than just a "couple" people feel this way....I have felt this way at every job I have had that has been successful....anyway, if you write a poem about this issue, you will have to come up with words that rhyme with "guilt", "fraud", "tightrope", etc. Oh no

[jimmmaaa]

Only if it is a rhyming poem, it might be free verse

[jimmmaaa]

Guilt
Quilt

Fraud
Squad

Tightrope
Can't Cope

[joanrdtobe]

Tightrope, can't cope, so you can mope????

Fraud went to the squad to get a broad

Guilt, so made a quilt, and some flowers that would wilt....

Here's a suggestion James...At some point, you may want to start a thread where everyone here together writes a poem.....YOU start it -- with the first line..and then everyone follows with a line....you come in every now and then -- and add a line of your own....Might be neat to see the "poem" that develops.....

[jimmmaaa]

Great Idea!! I saw that before at another site. Maybe we should start with your poem?

I will start the post either later today or tomorrow.

But back to the topic I started. I was thinking about it on my drive home.

Maybe I am not so much a fraud, but that is the way I work. I am ready for a challenge at any time, but not in that mode if I don't need to be. I don't know, but I have been thinking about the many contradictions within me this afternoon.

Creative, yet often so lazy, unmotivated.
Colorful, yet many times so bland.
Enthusiastic, and then not that much later almost depressed.
Back and forth, it drives me crazy at times. So many conlicting qualities at juxtapostion with each other. Will the real me please stand up? Sometimes I want to scream!!
Well, I better go make dinner for my boy before my wife gets back from my daughter's soccer practice, then I will be in trouble
I think I am stuck. . . . . . . . . . .

[Garry]

I can relate to what all your saying. I have been fortunate to put myself into a profession that I have no choice but to do my job and stay on track. Driving truck

Bottom line is though I'd rather be at home watching the grass grow

[Dante]

I definately felt like a phony (when I had my old IT job - been unemployed since Jan 02 from my old field - sucks ).

I worked at an ECN in Chicago. An ECN is an Electronic Communications Network for stock exchanges. If you are a trader, you know that you can buy the same stock from several diffrent exchanges at diffrent prices. Well, we fed quotes to diffrent places. We ran stock feeds for Ameritrade, E*Trade, Yahoo, the ticker that is shown behind the guy on CNNfn, that was all our data.

Anyway, when I started there I was just a hardware jockey. I built the servers. We needed a lot, and all I and 2 coworkers did was build servers for the next 8 months or so. Well, after we hit a few thousand, we slowed down. Less server to be done.

Well, I noticed we didn't have a system setup to monitor our apps that ran on these servers or the servers themselves. I talk to the VP about it - he says "Sounds like a good idea, now go do it". Eeek!

I *LOVED* building the servers. It wasn't braindead work, but it wasn't exactly something that required tons of thought and focus so I did quite well at it. And I did quite well at the monitoring project too, for awhile.

I did the research, tested diffrent software packages, found one I liked, got it approved for purchase, then I had to deploy it to 2300 servers... And sort of got tired of it.
It got to be I would force myself into work in the morning, stare into the screen, and try to concentrate on the work at hand. It wasn't easy. Like I said, there was 2300 servers, 4 diffrent software packages to use and about 40 "profiles" for diffrent types of machines. One machine I'd monitor A,B,C,D and R and on another I'd have to monitor T, U, X, K and P. It was pure hell.
I'd spend 10-14 hours a day there, and maybe get 1 hour of work done.

My cubicle was in the middle of our department - so I was always getting distracted by things. People talking, music, random office noises - it was impossible to focus.

Needless to say, I put up with this project for almost 2 years, but finally just had to quit. I loved that job too, until I got into this project. Hell, I even LIKED the project itself. I could start it, but I couldnt finish it - story of my life.

Didn't find out till a few years later (last week) I had ADD and now I'm on meds and they seem to be working great. I feel that if I would of gone to the doctor when I was working there, I'd still be there. I was there for 3 years, that's 3 times longer then my normal employment (Impulsive job hopper here) and I thought I was going to retire from that place. Oh well. You live and learn.

On a side note though, I have an interview this Thursday back in the IT field. If I get it, I'm going to have to contribute part of the fact to me getting help. I don't know if any of you are spiritual, but I am. And I sort of hope that God really wanted me to get help, so for the past 2 years all of the interviews I've received and really really felt I had fell through because I needed to get help first. And I know that if I would of gotten a job, I wouldn't of ever gone to the doctor to get some help, and I'd end up being the way I was before. I like the new Jeremy right now. And I'm glad I got help.

Anyway, sorry if I'm rambling, please forgive me. I havent been able to type more then a few sentences for years and now that I have my focus and concentration back I feel its all coming out now! lol

[jimmmaaa]

Hey Jeremy. That is great. I am very "spiritual"(check out some of my poems in the poetry section) and do believe that God does sometimes make you wait for his purposes. That is great about your journey. I will pray that you do well in the interview and get that job.

It is great that you can focus now because of the medicine. I am self-diagnosed and will be going to the doctors soon to confirm what me and my wife are 99% sure of. So I will make an appointment, because at other times I have not been as open about it, did not want to be labeled, etc. But I am ok with it now.

And don't worry about rambling around here, that is what we excel in, especially if we should be doing something else!!!

By the way, Welcome to ADDFORUMS!

[Dante]

Thanks for the welcome jimmmaaa! I appreciate it!

Personally, I self-diagnosed (with the help of an AD/HD effected friend at work) about 2 years ago, but it took a fairly crippling period of depression I couldnt shake to actually GO and DO something about it.

I even thought about self-medicating. I'm a smoker, and Wellbutrin is regularly prescribed to curb smoking. So I thought, hey, maybe....
Even found this site online that sells bottles of it. It's one of those sketchy sites (this one was attached to a pharmacy in the South US, I'm in Wisconsin) where you pay a "Doctor" $19.95 to diagnose you, then you get a prescription. It's like a 20 question survey, and even less if you pick your main reason to get it as "Stop Smoking". Then you pay 130 DOLLARS for A MONTHS SUPPLY of it.
But hey, I didn't want to have to go to the doctor, and almost did it. But money problems arose so I thought, maybe when I have the cash. This was over a year ago lol.

Anyway I finally went and it seems like MOST of my problems have gone away (except for my problem getting to sleep, I'll have to talk to the doctor more about it - guess it's a pretty common problem with ADD/Depression).

I'm glad to hear your spiritual as well. Unfortunately, it's not the case in society today. Especially in my field, Information Technology. I even wrote a mini-article on my site called IT: The Godless Profession? (Hrmmm, now that I think about it, maybe I'll go repost it to my site).
Anyway hehe
Thanks for the prayer and the wish of good luck - I sorely need it.

And about the rambling thing, like I said, it's been quite a long time since I could express myself easily. I used to be good at it, hell I was a published author at 14, but times change.
So now, it seems like I can organize and transcript my thoughts so well, it feels like I ramble on and on about things lol. That's probably the big thing that will take time getting used to!

Oh, yes, I used to be worried about the being labeled part. My friend who really got me to realize my problem, Matt, told me "After you get checked out and your on meds, don't tell anyone that doesn't need to know".
I thought that was a pretty silly comment, but I guess most people aren't as open-minded and understanding as me. The few people (outside my family) I told about this either made jokes or brushed it off with a comment like "oh yeah, I have that too but I'm not going to get treatment". Feels quite like a slap in the face. Sorta like telling a close friend "I have cancer, and am going to die in 6 months" and instead of hearing "Oh my, I'm so sorry" or "Is there anything I can do to help?" you hear "That sucks, can I have you TV when your gone?"

Though I can't say I really blame them. It is a pretty transparent affliction, and the treatment isn't noticed by anyone but your doctors and those close to you. And the pain is all on the inside.

Oi, I feel like writing a huge post chroniciling my entire life up to this time and how I feel like I've been reborn! lol Silly me, eh?

[jimmmaaa]

That is great to feel that way, being reborn. I feel like the past 3 1/2 years have been like that for me, spirtually. I moved from San Jose, CA to Sacramento in March of 2000 and it has been a great growing process for me during that time. Here is a poem
that I wrote that sort of descibes the process:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...&threadid=1347

Moving was such a great thing for me. I was so complacent when I lived in San Jose and I tuly feel ALIVE today, despite my feelings of yesterday that started this post.

[Dante]

Wow, thats an awesome poem jimm, good work!