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Old 01-10-15, 12:43 AM
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Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

====IN A NUTSHELL!====
Okay so as you can see...I ended up posting a huge freaking ramble below. I kept trying so hard not to! lmao
So I decided I'll post a short...'in a nut shell' thingy here at the top so you don't have to suffer through my billions of words below.

...In a nutshell:
My adderall helps me with my focus and helps my brain feel less sluggish, foggy and slow...but ever since this summer after the loss of a job, I've been going through some super deep sadness and depression. My adderall does NOT help that.
I see my p-doc on monday and will ask her if there's any meds she thinks that could help me. I think I need help with the sadness, and with motivation.
I've never liked anti-depressants before, but I'm willing to give them a try again (been years since I've tried anything for depression).
Also after some research and a suggestion from a friend...I'll be asking her what she thinks about ultram. I've heard it can do wonders for some people and their depression and anxiety (though I've also been told it's HIGHLY addictive...that scares the **** out of me).

Any thoughts? Any suggestions?

And sorry for the long freaking post below. I often feel so ashamed for leaving such long damn rambles .

(((((((HUGS)))))))

==============




Oh man guys...lol this medication thing has been a wild ride for me.
I'm about 1 year into adderall...and I'm still on a freaking rollercoaster with it, it seems.

haha I do this a lot!
Type really long posts...realize how HUGE of a ramble it's becoming...highlight it all, and delete it...to start over! To try and keep it short!
I struggle so badly with typing too much! Grrrr...I can't express to people how frustrating that is haha.

Okay...short and simple! I can SO do this!

...I think...


Adderall has been doing wonders for me ever since last fall when I found a dose I've liked (40mg of XR (extended release) in the morning/early afternoon...and 20mg IR (instant release) in the late afternoon/early evening).

However...I've ran into some seriously heavy sadness stemming from a job loss late last summer which has left me freaking devastated.
I have been coming out from underneath this sadness slowly over the past few weeks (becoming more active on these forums again sure has helped!)...but I still find myself down. Unmotivated...no goals in life, no motivation to even work towards any goals (so afraid I'm only going to quit like I quit everything else in life! why even try anymore? /grrrr! so hard to fight off those deep rooted thoughts. They make so much sense though. why try?)...and the sadness. It still bites me almost on a daily basis. No matter how hard I try to cover it...how hard I try to snuff it out with obsessions. It's still there. The void. The empty feeling. The guilt and the shame and the self hatred. It's still eating me inside.

And adderall just does not help at all with this sadness.
In fact...I'm starting to think adderall makes it worse.
It makes it worse cause I don't have anything 'big' or 'productive' to unleash the crystal clear focus adderall gives me. I've become stuck in life and have given up on any real goals. Where do I want to be in a year from now? Hell...I can't even see where I'm going to be in a month, let alone a freaking year!
I find that when I have something enjoyable or productive to let my focus out on while adderall is kicking in...I feel much better. But when I take my adderall and I've got nothing to do, so I just aimlessly waste hours away on my computer doing nothing of real significance to me...just leaves me feeling rather down and wanting more. It only increases my negative outlook on myself.
And then there's the comedowns. I've always had rather harsh come downs from adderall. And now since I've fallen into this horrible sadness...the comedowns can become so brutal!
Especially because I've become so physically unhealthy over the last months (VERY poorly dealing with my type 1 diabetes, over eating, becoming very sedentary, not getting nearly enough sleep...etc etc).
The sadness and the comedowns and the exhaustion and the physical illness...it's gotten pretty freaking dark for me. There was times I wasn't even sure I was going to make it. Like I was sitting at the edge of my seat just waiting for something to push me over that edge. There were several nights in the past 2 months where I truly was not safe to be alone.

Okay **** it! lol...I'm typing too much again! I've yet again went on and on and freaking on.
I'm blaming on damned adderall on it! It gives me focus! I mean I've had issues for years and years with typing too much online...but dang, the added focus adderall gives me just makes it harder. Adderall gives me a drive to focus on something...lol right now that something is trying to type this message. I think I've been here for about an hour typing...haven't left this page in all that time once! xP
I just keep typing too damn much...going on too many rambles...getting lost in typing up my thoughts...lol grrr!

Okay I give up. I'm going to write a little note at the top of this post with a 2 or 3 sentence summary of this post so no one has to read my long winded post...)

Anyhow, the saddness.
My adderall...it doesn't help with it. I'm still sad while on my adderall. Adderall helps me feel focused, and adderall can make me feel quite good sometimes...it helps me so profoundly that it's hard NOT to feel good.

But it's not enough.
The sadness...it's been eating at me. Crushing me under its weight.
It is lifting thank gawd...but it still lingers, and I'm still left behind with a huge loss in hope for my future. Still without any more goals in life. Still wondering why I don't just give up and stop trying. Still stuck...

And so I'm not sure where to go from here.
I'm thinking of several things.

Staying on my adderall...but adding in an anti-depressant. I've hated every anti-depressant I've ever been put on in my past...and I'm scared of any pill that can cause me to have increased suicidal thoughts (like a lot of anti-depressants can cause)...but damn it, I so want to get out of this darkness I've been in. I'm willing to suffer side effects to try and crawl my way out of this.

Or...Tramadol/ultram. This might sound ridiculous. It did to me the first time it was suggested to me. I've only heard of ultram being used for pain...but a close friend of mine brought it up to me, and pointed me towards some very good sources of information on the meds...and it turns out it can help with depression and anxiety as well! Who knew?
I'm actually very open to talking to my p-doc about this and seeing what she thinks.
The HUGE concern I have with ultram...is that it's VERY addictive. /scared

Or...maybe trying another adhd med.
But this at this time seems rather silly to me. I wanted to do this a couple months back...because I was so bad off 2 months ago...and for some reason I refused to admit I was experiencing depression...so I thought maybe my adderall just wasn't working. lol...don't ask...sounds like rather dumb thinking to me now in retrospect as well!

At any rate...I feel like I need something at this point.
I'm getting nowhere on my own. Even with a very close online friend really trying to help me lately. I feel so guilty cause she keeps sending me all this awesome information about exercising and nutrition and such...and I don't have it in me to tell her I just can't do it right now :*(. I just don't have the drive in me right now. I want to get up and get moving! I want change! I want a better tomorrow! I want to feel good about myself again...
But I'm just not there. I just don't have the motivation in me to get up.
Hell, I don't even have whatever it is you need to have...to set small goals for myself right now.
I'm still a bit of a mess. Though I really am much better off now, than I was even just 3 weeks ago. And in the last 2 weeks, I've experienced more joy and happiness again than I have in months. I love these forums!

And it's sad...cause I 'know' full well that if I started to eat better, started to exercise, started to lose weight and started to get better quality sleep...this sadness would very likely disappear. I know that.
But knowing isn't enough for me. It never has been. Is that part of my ADHD? I can know full well how to improve my life...I can plainly see what I'm doing wrong day in and day out...I know the things I need to change...
And yet I can't. And I don't know why. Is that ADHD? I've NEVER had an answer for "why?" and it kills me. Why don't I just get up and make the changes I need to make? I DON'T KNOW! /cry. Why do I keep making the same bad choices over and over and over again even though I'm fully aware of the consequences? I DON'T KNOW!! Why don't I put a little more effort into things? It wouldn't take much really! I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!
I've always longed for an answer to those why's! Man how I've always wanted an answer!
I want to say it's my ADHD.
And yet...I feel so reluctant in doing so. I feel like I'm only trying to make an excuse. There's such a nasty strong voice in my head that tries feeling in those "Why?" blanks with words such as "lazy", "stupid" and "broken". Why? Cause I'm too lazy!...Why? Cause I'm a stupid idiot!...grrrr
It's damn difficult to fight off that voice...the one that tells me..."you don't have adhd! you're just a lazy a-hole trying to make excuses!".

Does that voice ever go away guys?

...and omg...now I'm rambling on about random things hahaha. Jeeze...this post is getting ridiculous!

...
I just need help. I think I'm VERY likely putting too much hope in more meds. Hoping that I'll be put on some kind of med that will suddenly help lift my moods and make me feel better again.
I so want that. I admit it. I miss having goals...I miss seeing myself in my future. I miss feeling in control of my destiny...I'm sick of feeling so stuck in life, I'm sick of the longing to give up on my life...I'm sick of the darkness.
I SO want a pill to help me climb out of this pit.
I feel so rather helpless here. Like I can't climb myself out on my own. I really do need a rope to help me out...and I've got it in my mind that maybe some new meds might be that rope...that help I need.

Am I putting too much hope into meds? Will I fall flat on my face? Am I really ready to deal with that?

Or do you think that meds can help?

I know the best thing I can do for myself is to take better care of myself and to start exercising. It'd do everything for me and it'd be all natural.
Yet I just don't feel like I can at this moment in my life. I just don't think I can do this on my own without something to help give me a push.
Will meds give me a push?

I don't know.
All I know is that I don't want to go on living this way. I love life damn it. And I want more. I demand more. I'm just sulking...passing ever slowly away...where I am right now.
I want more in life. I want to give more of myself to this life.
I just need some help damn it.
And though adderall does do amazing things for me...man it's awesome what it can do!...it just does not help with my depression or motivation to do more...to get up each day. It helps with my focus, it helps me think more clearly and precisely, and it helps tremendously with clearing up the sluggish/foggy/resistant muck that clutters up my mind...it makes movement in life feel lighter...but...
Now I need something that can hopefully help stabilize my mood. To help me climb out of this low I've been in. If I can find a med that can help with motivation as well...that would be amazing.
But I can't help but hope that if I can lift at least some of this damned depression and sadness...that some motivation will just naturally start seeping back into my life naturally.

...
...
I don't know what I should feel right now.
I guess I'm feeling a bit ashamed.
I feel dumb for typing so much. But damn it...my mind just gets rolling and it all just comes out and before I know it I've typed up a billion word ramble that has taken me in all sorts of directions...lol I often forget what my original point was even about.

I can't tell you how many posts like this I've typed up...but have deleted instead of posting.
It always surprises me (and makes me feel so warm and shamefully happy!) when someone leaves a reply telling me that they actually read my long a** posts and not to feel guilty about them.

I guess I feel guilty about it though, cause I know how difficult it can be to read long posts from people sometimes...and I'm left feeling inconsiderate and pushy for leaving them...like I'm expecting people to sit there and to read through my 10,000 word ramble and support me and to reply to me...and that's just not fair! It's selfish and inconsiderate of me and I feel ashamed of it.

Does anyone else here relate to this? I do have a close online friend who relates with me on this...and man do I love her! She's my 1 outlet I have...the one person I've found I can type as much as I want to, to without having to feel guilty or ashamed about it. She writes me back with big long messages and I just soak them up like a sponge! haha...It's been damn amazing to have that outlet!

.......
So yeah. Now I feel weird. Awkward lmao.
Now I don't know how to end this post!

...I guess I was just rambling.
I'm seeing my p-doc on monday...I'm going to open up to her about everything...tell her of the depression and darkness...tell her of the recent experiences I've been having with my adderall (some good...some bad)...and I'm going to ask her about being put on something in addition to my adderall to help with my mood (and motivation if such a thing exists).
I'm also going to bring up ultram to her to see what her thoughts are on that.
Even if I don't leave her office with a new script that day...at leas the dialogue will be open for the future.
I just...I feel like I need help crawling out from this hole I've fallen into. Could I climb my way out of it on my own? Sure...I mean technically I could. Logically. Yet here I am...stuck and making very slow progress. I sure could use some help!

right now I dream of having my adderall to help me with my focus and my cloudy/sluggish brain...while having another pill that can help me from falling into depression too much and becoming stuck in life.
From there I'd like to start making progress towards getting a job (or volunteering somewhere!) again.
But I'll never get anywhere till I can lift this damn crushing sadness!

.....
I feel absolutely compelled to apologize for my long ******* ramble guys.

I love you guys and I LOVE these forums!

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Old 01-10-15, 05:11 PM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

I say long posts are good. No apologies necessary.

I went through a similar long sadness after being laid off at a job. I think that what we don't always realize is that sometimes losing a job is like losing a person. We're not exactly depressed, we're grieving. In a way, we lose people when we lose a job. I mean, we lose connections to people that we had certain kinds of relationships with. And that can take time to get over. And we lose other things, too, including some of our self-worth, because we lose one of the ways we can contribute. That can make anyone feel depressed, but I think that when we have ADHD we're more prone to struggle with that part. The thing to remind yourself of is, all of those negative feelings are normal. Grief is normal sometimes, and it's different from depression.

The part that leads to the self-hatred? I've been there, too. It's hard. I think some of it comes back to figuring out WHY you hate yourself over it. For me, I hated that I wasn't indispensable to my boss. I hated that whatever I could contribute wasn't so unique and special that they couldn't survive without me. I hated that in an arena that I wanted to shine in, I was actually just average. I felt like I failed. It made me feel awful for a while. Eventually I had to accept that, yes, okay, they can get along without me. But I can get along without them, too. And you can get along without that job, too. There are other jobs, and other ways to shine.

If you feel bad enough that you think anti-depressants will help, then of course you should look into them. And they may help. But it may also be helpful to really honestly think about what you lost along with the job (friendships, security, structure, etc.) and to let yourself grieve for those things for a while. And think about the things you DIDN'T lose - including the actual worth you offer to the world, because you didn't lose that, you only lost access to one place to show it off. There are other places (and people, and things) waiting for you.
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Old 01-10-15, 05:40 PM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

Ultram works on your opiate receptors hence the horrible withdrawl.
Personally I would avoid it.
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Old 01-10-15, 05:54 PM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

Thank you Mimi for the great reply!

(((((((HUGS)))))))

You're spot on about the grieving.

I don't know lol...I don't know what I'm wanting right now.

And it feels like I'm just now at the tail end of this depression and sadness...that I'm finally starting to step out from that darkness.
Maybe I should just keep on keeping on for a bit longer...sit down and start planning on what's 'next' for me and see if I don't just climb out of this hole naturally...without adding on more medications to the mix.

I just don't know what I want right now! haha...I'm SO indecisive!

Quote:
Ultram works on your opiate receptors hence the horrible withdrawl.
Personally I would avoid it.
Yeah...ultram scares the hell out of me to be honest. The whole 'addictive' part scares me...I'm scared of the same things with my current meds (adderall)...the whole idea of becoming physically addicted to these pills just does not settle well with me.

I guess in the end what I really want is for my p-doc to be all like "Oh! I've just the thing for you! Take this 1 pill just once a day and everything will be all okay! You'll never feel sad again, and you'll forever be happy!"
I can't wait to be put on that once daily pill!


/sigh

Thanks for the replies <3
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Old 01-10-15, 05:58 PM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

Ya but if you come off adderall you just get sleepy and maybe moody and less focused for a few days.
With ultram the psychical withdrawl would be much worse but then again I guess it depends on how much/how long you take it.

I wish there was a magic pill to fix everything wrong with me but that's never going to happen.
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Old 01-11-15, 11:59 AM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I just don't know what I want right now! haha...I'm SO indecisive!
I totally get that. In my family, I'm famous for being indecisive. They don't even ask me things anymore, like which movie to watch or what to fix for dinner. They just tell me, because otherwise I'll take forever to decide and they'll starve while I'm standing there opening and closing the fridge randomly.

I haven't been on a lot of meds, and I sure haven't found one that gives me a decisive and motivated mind. I wish there was something like that out there. I'm on Adderall, but I know that doesn't do it.

In the meantime, I guess we just keep trying to force ourselves to feel motivated about things we need to. I don't think we need to feel motivated just because other people do, but certain things need attention. If you're dealing with health issues from diabetes, then that's the first thing to address. Feeling physically worse than usual can make people feel mentally worse than usual. Also, if you've been eating badly, the extra sugar may be adding to feeling bad. (I love sugar as much as anybody, but I find that if I go three or four days without it, I start dancing around the house because I feel so good. It's weird.)

Have you read a book by Grant Weherley called Tame Your ADHD Brain? He talks about making a list of goals - not little everyday goals but big ambitious goals, no matter how out of reach they seem. There's something to be said for giving yourself permission to think big. It has a positive effect on the mind. (Some of my goals would seem embarrassingly unlikely to accomplish, but I find myself working towards them anyway by my own choice. Sometimes they motivate me when nothing else does, because they're the things that really interest me.)

(((Hugs back!)))
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Old 01-11-15, 12:24 PM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
Thank you Mimi for the great reply!

(((((((HUGS)))))))

You're spot on about the grieving.

I don't know lol...I don't know what I'm wanting right now.

And it feels like I'm just now at the tail end of this depression and sadness...that I'm finally starting to step out from that darkness.
Maybe I should just keep on keeping on for a bit longer...sit down and start planning on what's 'next' for me and see if I don't just climb out of this hole naturally...without adding on more medications to the mix.

I just don't know what I want right now! haha...I'm SO indecisive!



Yeah...ultram scares the hell out of me to be honest. The whole 'addictive' part scares me...I'm scared of the same things with my current meds (adderall)...the whole idea of becoming physically addicted to these pills just does not settle well with me.

I guess in the end what I really want is for my p-doc to be all like "Oh! I've just the thing for you! Take this 1 pill just once a day and everything will be all okay! You'll never feel sad again, and you'll forever be happy!"
I can't wait to be put on that once daily pill!


/sigh

Thanks for the replies <3
I took Ultram/Tramadol for back pain. It made me spacey. I took it for a year. Withdrawals are bad, even if you miss one dose. Not the best choice for someone will ADD. I can't stand side affects from antidepressants, but Wellbutrin XL 150MG is doing the job. Wellbutrin feels like something I should have a been taking all along. You might want to check it out.
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Old 01-11-15, 01:06 PM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

+1 for Wellbutrin. It gives a little kick and helps with metacognition (thinking about my thoughts).

Something else that helped me a lot is Lexapro. Besides the reduction in anxiety, and likely help with depression, it did a great job at clearing out the fog and helping me eat/sleep regularly.

Ritalin just makes it easier for me to stay on track/topic.
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Old 01-14-15, 10:38 AM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

So I didn't even mention ultram to my p-doc...it's not that I was afraid to bring it up with her (I feel spoiled in having a p-doc that I feel comfy enough to be as honest as I am with)...it's that the ultram itself scares me.
I'm too scared of it to want to deal with it right now. I'm scared of the dependency and the withdrawals and all of that. Why take a pill that I'm so scare of?
It's still on my radar. It's something I'd still consider in my future after trying other things...
But after thinking long and hard about it, I decided not to even bring it up with my p-doc at this time.

I did talk to my p-doc about how all the anti-depressants I've been on have given me bad side effects and I've never liked them at all...told her that the last one that I took ended up leaving me in a state where pretty much the only thing I could think about was death (not suicide really...but just death).
So she said she wants to avoid anti-depressants with me since they've never been effective for me in my past.

I also told her I'm having major motivation issues lately.
She told me that there's nothing she can do to help me with my motivation...that if she thought there was a medication that could give me motivation, or anything else that she could do to give me that push...she'd do it in a heartbeat.

But she does think she can help me stabilize my mood...
She asked if I had ever heard of Lamictal. I haven't...it's an epilepsy medication, but has been fda approved as a mood stabilizer for those with bi-polar depression.
I guess she's had several clients who have responded very well with the medication.
The biggest problem with the med...is that it can cause some very serious rashes (mainly around the face) and can lead to Stevens-Johnson syndrome. She informed me that she's had 2 clients in her past who have developed the rashes (and sores in their mouth) from the medicine...but that they made full recoveries quickly after stopping the med.

She also told me that there's no withdrawal symptoms from stopping the meds. That my depression can come crashing back in on me...but I wont experience any physical withdrawal symptoms from stopping the meds themselves if I ever needed to.

...So that's the game plan for now. I'm going to give this med an honest try...see how it goes.
We gotta titrate super slow with this med to try and avoid me getting any rashes from it...so I'll be meeting with her every 2 weeks for dose increases till we find a dose that works.

Looking forward to seeing if this helps!

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Old 01-14-15, 06:10 PM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

I have heard many good things about Lamictal/lamotrigine from quite a few people back when I was in MI. I hope it works well for you too!
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Old 01-20-15, 05:20 AM
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Re: Adderall.....a 1 year ramble. Love/Hate Adderall...I type too much /sad :(

Regarding ultram which is the same as tramadol I think.....being on antidepressants means that a major drug interactions pops up in the pharmacy computers when I was prescribed this. I believe it was either serotonin syndrome or something like it. Either way I couldn't get it filled. I wonder if that is also associated with the way it could help your mood? Either way withdrawal from ultram can be just as bad as withdrawal from Percocet.
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