Maxwell - New York

[Maxwell]

Hello everyone,

I am a 21 year old college student who was diagnosed with ADHD when I was about 10 years old. To be honest, I have never before researched or discussed my ADD with anyone. I have never told my friends, or anyone else. The only people who know about it are my immediate family. I started taking Ritalin when I was younger, but it caused me to be unable to sleep. I then switched to Adderall, but when I was younger I would frequently spit it out after my mom gave it to me, or I would just not take it at all.

When I began high school, I was placed in special ed classes because of my lackluster grades throughout my academic career. Luckily, I was part of a very good school system and the higher ups decided to try something new with me; they placed me in honors classes. They came to this decision because after many IQ and other similar types of tests, I always placed within the higher ranks -- but I failed most of my classes, or got by with minimal work. Of course, like so many prone to ADD, I completely blew my chances in these classes! I went by throughout my high school career with C's and D's. During this time I was not taking my Adderall. I was very embarrassed about my ADD, and when I was sent to the high school psychologist to talk about my issues, I always denied that I had ADD. This was a terrible time in my life. Constant fights with my mother and teachers left me distraught and not giving a damn.

Something happened, however, as I got older. After I graduated high school, I become incredibly motivated to do well in school. I began to attend a local community college. With my new inspiration conjured partly because of my girlfriend, who was an excellent student, and partly by my new found love of science, I began to work as hard as I can in school. After a year of the community college, I had an extremely high GPA. I felt like I had outgrown the school, and I wanted to move on to bigger and better things.

So right at the end of my first year in community college, I began to apply to universities. I had set my eyes on obtaining an engineering degree. I applied to 9 schools and was accepted by all 9 of them. At that point in time I had never felt so proud in my life. The following academic semester, I was in one of the more prestigious universities in New York studying electrical engineering with a minor in physics.

So I was now totally obsessed by my love of science and mathematics. I began my first year at university strong. But the ADD demons were never far behind. Constant arguments with said girlfriend made my first semester VERY tough. Also, the school work became MUCH harder. I was not making deadlines and was totally unable to study effectively to meet the caliber of the courses I was taking. I knew I had to do something.

This was when I started taking Adderall again. For me, it is almost as if Adderall is a miracle drug. It allows me to achieve total concentration and focus on my studies and the task at hand. However, you NEVER get something for nothing in this life. Adderall also makes me EXTREMELY argumentative and anti-social. I become almost reclusive and almost too focused on a single task. This, as one would imagine, started to create major trouble in my relationship with friends -- but worst of all, my girlfriend. She had no clue I had ADD, or that I was taking medicine for it; and I kept this a secret from her. It absolutely tore us apart. After a year at the university, we had broken up. My grades were also mediocre; and not even close to 50% of my potential. I was back down in a hole.

So after a summer of working and summer classes, I returned to the university with a renewed vigor and hope that I would raise my grades up to where I felt was representative of who I am -- or who I want to be. My girlfriend and I were in the same school, and we avoided each other as much as possible. It has never been easy, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her or that I am not haunted by her in my dreams.

After all this, one would think that my life would be back on track. However, for some reason, I've always been obsessed with thinking that I was able to "beat" or "conquer" my ADD. So I stopped taking Adderall. After another mediocre semester, I still did not take it save for one or two times. I do not like how Adderall makes me feel; and I still don't.

The next semester is the one I am currently in. Again, no surprise, I am doing mediocre. For 3/4ths of this semester, I have no taken my Adderall.

It was two weeks ago that I decided I would start taking my Adderall regularly. I am sick of doing mediocre. It seems as if the only cure for me is to be medicated. Under the influence of Adderall, I perform so much better. However, it negatively affects my mood and relationships as I mentioned before. There are now 2 weeks left in the semester, and I will be taking Adderall daily to help myself perform better on my finals.

Life with ADD has been extremely tough for me. Though I've never spoken about it, I've always wanted to. I have always wanted to tell the people I am with that the reason I am argumentative, or that I am grouchy is because of my ADD. ADD has caused one of the best relationships in my life to fall apart. I never told my ex-girlfriend about my ADD until the end of our relationship, which was after 2 years. I sometimes wonder if I had told her earlier it would have changed the outcome.

I have always felt alone in this, but I know that there are many of you here who have had the same problems I have dealt with; and am dealing with currently.

This is the first time I have really written about my life with ADD. I am sure many, if not all of you have had the same experiences in another shape and form. ADD is such a difficult disorder to live with. Though I wish I could tell all my friends, professors, and everyone else that I have ADD, I never will. I do not want to use my ADD as an excuse or a crutch.

Thank you for hosting these forums and allowing myself, and other people like me to post about our experiences. I look forward to being a member of these forums and reading about all of your experiences with ADD. Something tells me they will sound very familiar.

Sorry for the long post, but it felt great to write it!

Nice to meet all of you!


PS - Sorry for all of the grammatical and spelling errors. It is currently 4 am as I write this, and I've been attacked by Adderall-induced insomnia. I hope everything I have written makes sense and flows correctly. It is the best summary of my life I could conjure at this hour! Class in 3 and half hours!

[Ichpuchtli]

Welcome to the AD/HD Forums Maxwell.

[Digitl]

Welcome to the forums

[clawless]

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[livinginchaos]

Welcome, Maxwell!

I'm envious you can write that well and clear at 4am!

[Andrew]

Welcome to the ADD Forums, Maxwell!

[auntchris]

welcome Maxwell