hyperactivity vs. impulsivity (a second terminological question)

[Way Too Flighty]

What is the difference between behavior that is referred to as "hyperactive", and that which is referred to as "impulsive"?

Does hyperactive refer to a sustained activity, like incessant talking, fidgeting, pacing, or finding every excuse to get up because one feels the need to be DOING something (ANYTHING) almost constantly?

And impulsive behavior refers to discrete, spontaneous movements, whether a comment blurted out or an impulsive purchase?

So the same behaviors can fall under either heading, hyperactivity or impulsivity, but the difference is whether they are discrete activities or constant activity?? Is that it?

Just wondering... doing my best to learn the lexicon so that I am using a common language when describing my behavioral tendencies.

[Kimalimah]

For me it works out as follows:

Hyperactive in an excessive, subconscious, uncontrollablephysical action and your description above fits...incessant LOUD talking, fidgeting, foot tapping, whistling, finger tapping, chewing nails, inability to sit at all!!!, etc. The only non-medical way to help this is large amounts of exercise, as far as I have been able to see.

Impulsivity (though not always discrete) is not a physical impulse, but a thought-impulse which almost always comes about from not being able to "stop and think" before making a decision about taking some kind of action (talking, buying, jumping out of a tree, etc.)We have had more luck treating this with behavioral modification therapy.

Hope that all makes sense.

Kim

[Digitl]

Wwow great question...

And my favorite pussycat you have a great answer.

Now one question, I know i am both, impulsive and hyper.

Can you just be hyper physicaly and not be mentally»?

[Kimalimah]

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I can. It's two separate issues for me and I can be so physically hyper that my brain just shuts down and can't put two and two together. I call it "mud for brains"! lol

Kim

[Way Too Flighty]

If my definitions of the two hold, then yes, Digitl, both physical and mental actions can be classified under either heading. Why, what are your impusive or hyperactive behaviors like?

As for me, I guess I would describe my neurological configuration and my resulting behaviors as:

Attention Deficit Disorder, inattentive type
with:
physical impulsivity
some verbal hyperactivity
very debilitating executive function problems

The last part is the most important part, for me, and I think that my executive function issues stem from the inattentiveness. I am inattentive to my surrounding environment, whether the people around me, the things around me, what I am doing where I am and with the things around me (imagine a spacey woman walking down the vegetable aisle staring vacantly at all the veggies, then finally kicking herself out of her reverie and remembering to ask herself, "Which veggies am I in this aisle to pick up???"), and inattentive to my life as a whole. When you are so "out of it", how can you watch what you are doing and remember what you are doing or meant to do?

[Way Too Flighty]

Hey, sorry, folks-- didn't mean to veer away from the subject of the thread in my little self-analysis in my last post.

If anyone else has any ideas about the difference between impulsivity and hyperactivity, please do share them. And I do always love hearing about other people's ADD-related patterns. It's so interesting to see how alike we all are, and how different we all are!

[Fly Away]

I posted a very similar question- although not as well written on this very subject. I am learning things about myself I did not know and one of them is how I am affected by ADD.

I can't answer this question but I would like to put out there what happens to me and see if any of you can tell me what this is.....

I've written lots of posts about my 'sensory overload'. I know that comes from poor filters to outside stimuli. I will give you a situation and then describe what it feels like.

I most often am 'hyper' in my mind. I have a zillion things running thru my head and I often am so preoccupied with my own thoughts I miss out on things. As the thoughts build in my mind I tend to get busy-- usually physically moving faster, talking faster etc. Now if extra stimuli is added to the commotion going on in my head I have what I think of as a ping pong ball in my head. Things start pinging this way and that way and I move faster to keep up. If the outside stimuli increases the ping pong ball will move from my 'head' to my body and now I am bouncing off walls. Most often now at my age (40's) this becomes anxiety. I get wound very tight. My muscles tighten, my whole body tenses.

I think when I was younger it used to be more fun to get real wound up....but its not anymore- especially with kids. They need me to be calm so they don't begin to feel like I feel. If they see mom rushing around like a chicken with her head cut off then what are they going to think? When I get like this my brain shuts down. It is very hard to do anything.

I also have the impulsivity- not thinking before doing. I find there is a fine line between the right amount of adderall and too much because if I go just on this side of too much the impulsivity really comes out. Or at least it seems that way to me.

My doctor has me on an antidepressant that kind of balances the stimulant but the antidepressant can make me feel tired or maybe it takes that edge off of things that I am used to. Without the edge I can't do what I normally do. I really just want to be in the middle....anyone else find its like this for them too?

[Way Too Flighty]

Hmm... no, that doesn't sound quite like me, Fly Away. I know it is very validating to hear someone else say, "Oh that is me exactly!" Or even better, "Oh that is me exactly and I will tell you how I have learned to deal with it very well so that you can learn from what I have learned!"

Ah, I wish I could offer you something better! Maybe try posting a new thread and describe that experience again and maybe someone will have some better ideas?

[Fly Away]

Flighty,


How would you describe your physical impulsiveness? I've never heard that term before.

[Way Too Flighty]

Originally Posted by Fly Away

Flighty,

How would you describe your physical impulsiveness? I've never heard that term before.

I am not sure that it is a familiar term that other people use, but it seems to fit my behaviors.

Let me copy and paste part of my post from another thread to give you an idea of my physical impulsivity. At the time I wrote it, I think I used the word "hyperactivity" because I didn't really know what was what.

Here it is:

originally posted by Way Too Flighty, in the thread: The Brighter Side of Hyperactivity and Impulsivity

My hyperactivity is often in the form of a drive for exhilaration. So I have several delightful, quirky behaviors that stem from this exhilaration drive.

I LOVE to run around outside in the POURING rain! In my area, we get these torrential rains sometimes in the Spring and Summer, where it is really pretty warm out, maybe 70 to 85 degrees F, and the rain will come pouring down in TORRENTS!! I take my shoes off, run outside and then run in circles, spin around, splash in puddles, turn my face skyward and catch the drops in my mouth, and laugh with delight! Since it is warmish out anyway, you don't have to worry about getting chilled to the bone. Also, this often happens on the really hot HOT days, so it might have been 95 degrees but the wondrous, beautiful rain comes pouring down to cool everything off. My parents always say, "When are you going to grow up? Are you too stupid to stay out of the rain?!" Now that they know I have ADHD, I think they are beginning to understand that this is not immaturity, but just one of my strange quirks that I personally hope I will never outgrow.

I jump up and try to reach the ceiling on a regular basis-- many times a day, usually. Strange, I know.

I do cartwheels often. Usually several in a row.

I am not capable of doing a handstand without something to lean against, but I will often find a good section of a wall with no furniture in the way, and get a short running start, bend over, put my hands to the floor and kick my legs up, leaning my feet against the wall for a few seconds. It's fun!

I like to run for a few seconds, and then jump, doing a little 360 in the air (or almost 360). I have seen figure skaters do this, but I just do it in regular shoes (or barefoot), usually outside. I often do it in sets of three.

That is only about half of my post. That was a fun thread-- my favorite, I think!

See, most of my need to move is in the form of short isolated bursts of movement. Most of my bursts of movement are as brief as getting up and jumping once, maybe twice. Then I do have these longer bouts of movement, I guess you could say the short bursts, like jumping once, are like one firecracker going off, whereas the longer bursts, like my running around in circles in the rain for 20 minutes, are like fireworks-- more prolonged but still not constant like how I defined "hyperactivity" in this thread. I might sit calmly for a half hour before these movement bursts, and again for a half-hour afterward. I sometimes shake my leg a little, but I have never been a huge fidgeter. And I can't relate so much to the trouble a lot of people with ADD have reading. I have read countless books in my life. I love to read. BUT, I can't imagine sitting entirely still for 4 or 5 hours reading, I WILL get up and do the touch the ceiling thing, or the cartwheel thing in the middle of reading-- and I often hardly know I am doing it! I will also have many many moments of inattention while reading. So I read much slower than neurotypicals, I guess, but still, I love to read and I can't imagine stopping. That was a digression. I guess my point was just that what I experience is different than many in that my need for physical movement is a strong urge that I get sporadically, not so constantly that it would really impair something like reading.

Does this make sense? Feel free to ask more questions, I love sharing. And feel free to share your experience, I love listening. (or reading as the case may be)

[Fly Away]

I loved reading that post too. That definitely is the brighter side of ADD.

I understand the exhilaration drive because I think I have it too but mine is beaten down more than yours. I had a really great day after a string of bad. This was just last week or so. I was really up and excited. (I love to have something to be excited about! I am forever scannin the horizon for something new to look forward to.)

I ended up meeting with some new people that day to discuss a project we will be working on together. Of course my good mood translates into poor impulse control because the excitment level is up so....I interrupted right and left with all my great ideas. (They were great ideas too- thats why I couldn't hold it in!) I got maybe a tad too interested in what was being discussed in the meeting. I jumped ahead in topics and dominated the conversation. In short I felt like I made a fool out of myself.

It used to be I never was phased by this stuff because I was having fun and it was kind of contagious. I think the people around me liked the energy and liveliness I brought with me on days like that but now I am in a new situation wiht new people who don't know me as well. I am in a different age group. I feel like a teen ager on the inside and a middle aged mom on the outside. I feel foolish and immature and slightly (!!) whacko.

I don't know if its because I am just becoming more aware of how I act or what but the exilaration begins to feel like mania-- and I know its not because I've not been dx'd bipolar. It could be that I am feeling good after having felt very bad the last couple years and by comparison I feel like I am at an extreme when in fact I am just feeling good. But it makes me feel like an odd ball because I feel things so much more than what it appears that other people do. It may be that they hide it better than I do too, I don't know. I think my age is a factor because now it stands out more and the fact that this is all new to me even though its not new. I have new awareness of old behaviors. What fun!


Gosh, I sure know how to kill another person's enthusiasm! I am sorry. I will lighten up!

I do want to say I would like being around you because I would enjoy your sense of wonder and enthusiasm. I would like your physical impulsiveness! I would much rather be around someone who is active than very sedate. My complaining about myself in no way means I see something not enjoyable in you. I hope you don't take it that way.

As I am writing this I have thought that what I likely have to do for my sanity is to seek out more people like myself. I may feel odd because the people around me may be on the other end of the spectrum by being very reserved, shy and quiet (which is fine except when I am a motor mouth and taking over a meeting).

I think thats were this forum is helpful. Thanks for sharing Way too Flighty.

[Way Too Flighty]

You are so welcome, Fly Away!

I am glad to hear what you have to share. I didn't take offense to what you said in the least, But you did get me thinking about the kind of behavior that people expect and the kind of impression that we give based on our behavior. Kinda dampened my spirits a little, because I realized that maybe part of why people enjoy my exhuberance is that they see me as youthful. For me, that fits, because I am 23. But will that end at some point? Will there come a time when it will just begin to look immature? Perhaps it does sometimes already. I don't know, I probably wouldn't pick up on it if it did.

But you know, you are right about what you realized. That is one of the things Hallowell and Ratey say in their latest book-- about the importance of surrounding yourself with people who like and appreciate the way you are. Yes, you are slightly wacko. But you are a delightful, creative, energetic, talented wacko. I wouldn't have you any other way, and I hardly know you, Darling! Do you have many other people in your life who feel this way? Also, nearly every ADD professional would tell you that one of the most important steps toward a successful and happy life with ADD is to choose the right job. Are you in a job that harnesses your energy and talent?

[Fly Away]

Flighty,


I love your signature. You need to become a writer!

Sometimes being in the clouds is a great place to be!

I wanted to say that I am 20 yrs behind you in learning about myself and ADD so please don't let what I wrote damper your spirits. My h and I were talking about this new insight that I have about my behavior and we think the problem I described really comes down to learning self-regulation. When I feel good I feel very good and bubble all over and when I feel bad I feel very bad. I usually don't know it until I am pretty far along and become overstimulated. My new awareness should help me to recognize when this comes about so that I can keep myself from getting overstimulated.

I can see from your posts that you are learning and recognizing new things about yourself too. I can see you've got a good handle on things so don't doubt yourself.

You had asked about career and I wanted to say I am in the middle of all kinds of changes so that complicates the ADD issues. I am pursuing new interests and trying to work with my strengths. I enjoy art and have begun to do more of this. I also am in the process of putting together ideas I have for a promoting creativity using different learning styles. Its fun to research and I have people willing to let me 'experiment' on them with my ideas.

What are you pursuing in your studies?

[Way Too Flighty]

Aww Fly Away you are so kind to me!! It was really touching to me that you said I should be a writer, because that is both what I love most and what I struggle with the most! And I am not even a creative writer! (At least not creative in the artistic sense, although I believe that all writing is creative, or almost all anyway.)

I guess you could say that I am an academic writer, except that I can't write. Heh! You are thinking, okay, Flighty has just flown away-- the chick's lost me here! Well, hmm... in school I am your basic liberal arts student. I major in Sociology and minor in History. (If you are outside of the US and aren't familiar with the American terms major and minor, it basically refers to your major area of concentrated focus, where you take the greatest number of courses, and then your minor area of concentrated focus, where you take a lot of courses, but not as many as for your major.) And I love it, with all the passion in my soul. I especially love sociology. I have been told I am basically a graduate student with undergraduate status. I sometimes get frustrated with my classes because the level of thinking they demand is usually rather low. When I do manage to get my work done, it's A-level work hands down, and its the kind of work that my professors respond to with comments like, "Wow, are you considering graduate school? You should be!" But Fly Away, I can't DO it! I thought for a while that it was a matter of will or habit, that it was something I could change if I really wanted to. So I changed my attitude toward deadlines, and I began to try to get old late work done and keep up with new work. To my shock and dismay, I still couldn't DO it!!! It's not a matter of will, a matter of effort, or a matter of habit!

And so in these last few weeks, I have had to ponder, "What is it?" I am not accustomed to being very self-aware on the cognitive level. On the emotional level, yes, I am a very mature and self-aware person. But who thinks about the way their brain works? Well, I've had to start thinking about the way my brain works in the last few weeks. And I have figured out that my difficulties with doing my work are without a doubt neurobiologically rooted. They stem from my inattentive ADD.

I have figured out that there is a sort of firewall in my brain between reflective thought and purposive action. I really CAN'T pair the two. This a big problem for something like essay writing, and I imagine it would be for any kind of endeavor that demands some premeditated reflective thought to determine how to go about it. For me, it's like this: I am in my inattentive reverie most of the time, right? So, when I am in that state, the ideas that I want to discuss in my papers come flowing like water. They don't come to me in the form of ideas really-- they are not thoughts that I can actively think about and purposively manipulate in my mind, processing them and articulating them as I please. They come to me already verbalized, whole and complete, exactly how they could be expressed in my paper. If I had a tape recorder for my thoughts, honestly, literally, I would be able to write my papers in my sleep. That's how easily this comes to me; and that is how completely whole the fully verbalized thoughts come to me, so fully verbalized and well-articulated that if I could record them, I would put the words in my paper as they come to me. And literally, sometimes it happens when I am partially asleep, so I wasn't kidding about being able to write papers in my sleep! But the trouble is, even when I am fully awake, I can't pair reflection with purposeful action. I will sit and reflect on what I am going to say in my essay, realize that I am coming up with a lot of good ideas, and then pick up a pen to jot them down and make an outline and then...... NOTHING. Once I have jostled myself out of the reverie of my reflective state, remembering what I was thinking a moment ago is like trying to remember a dream. As soon as I want to actively use my very conscious mind to work with my intellectual reflections, I can't. The thoughts are gone. I no longer have access to them. If I have to hear one more time, "You are having trouble organizing your paper? Oh I have the solution! Write an outline!" I am going to pull all of my hair out, and you'll have a pile of red hair on the floor. Ouch that sounds painful, never mind I won't do that. But I will scream my frustration if I have to hear one more obvious solution. I've tried all the obvious solutions!! If it were as easy as writing an outline, I wouldn't have 2 years worth of unfinished late work and the resulting smattering of F's across my transcript! AHHHHHH! ARGH!!!!! UGHHHHH!!! AHHH ARGHHH!!!

Whew, I had to get that out of my system! Well, I have been struggling with this forever, but I have only just begun to understand it in the last few weeks, Fly Away. I appreciate your comment that I am 20 years ahead of you in learning about myself and ADD, but darlin' I've figured most of this out in the space of less than a month! So you don't have to feel like you are behind, or like you cant figure out a lot quickly. I think the biggest step is learning that we have this ADD brain type, and from there I think it is a steep learning curve to figuring out how it affects us. You also have the benefit of having a husband that has probably been observing your behavior for a good 10 years too, so you can discuss your behavior with someone who has been able to observe you closely.

Anyway, at least now I understand why I have never once in my life been able to simply set aside a reasonable amount of time at a convenient hour to write essays or papers for school. There are only two states in which I am capable of getting my work done: New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Just kidding! Ahhh my sense of humor is unbearable isn't it?!?!! (That's not from ADD, that's from growing up with my corny dad!) No, really now, two mental states in which I can actually work:

1) A very relaxed, absolutely no pressure sort of state. The only way I can get to this state is by lack of intention. If doing my work is responding to a whim, then I can do my work. The reason this works is that I can basically stay in my mental reverie and simply project the happenings in my reverie (my reflective thoughts) onto the page or onto the screen. Right now, for example, I am projecting my thoughts onto the screen without effort or any particular intention. If you asked me to write a structured, well-organized essay saying much the same things, I'd struggle for months trying to produce it. Another interesting difference between me and a lot of other ADDers is that while many people need high-stimulation or real challenge or just something very interesting to rivet their attention, for me it is the most interesting thoughts that are the nemesis of my prefrontal (or my frontal?) lobes. Scarcely do they materialize before they hop out of reach of my mental grasp. It's very much like when you dream something frightening and awaken with a start. Working in this relaxed state necessitates that I stay in my reverie, but the very thoughts that are most fascinating to me are so exciting that they jostle me out of my reverie and I can't continue thinking them. (On an extremely personal note, this pattern of extreme momentary excitement followed by utter nothingness is something that I experience not only intellectually, but sexually as well. I apologize if I ventured out of anyone's comfort zone with that personal bit. I wouldn't have noted it but for the fact that I am increasingly convinced it is rooted in the same aspects of my particular neurological configuration that make me so prone to patterns we recognize as ADD.)

2) A hyper-stressed state, infused with a life-or-death sense of urgency. By the time I get to this state, it is usually some unGodly hour of the night, or worse, some unGodly hour of the morning, like the time of morning that the rest of the world is rolling into work and I am STILL awake, hyped up on 6 cups of coffee, freaking out because my deadline is in 45 minutes and I still have to finish my paper, run to the comp lab to print it, and then run to class, and I haven't eaten, showered, or brushed my teeth. Or, just as likely, I have been awake for 24 hours, I have drank 8 cups of coffee, haven't eaten, showered, or brushed my teeth, and the deadline was 2 hours ago. The reason I can work in this state is that the frantic urgency allows me to exert conscious control over my thoughts. Thinking for me suddenly becomes not an act akin to dreaming while awake, but a process I can consciously interact with. Only then can I process my thoughts, manipulate them, structure them, and verbalize them as I wish. I think I was about 10 years old the first time I realized that it never matters how much time you give me to do something, I will ALWAYS use all of it, right down to the last minute of the eleventh hour, and often need to ask for a few minutes more. I have always always always been this way. And I am sick of it.

I have come to a point where I don't want to rely on either of these two states to do my work. Neither of them are sustainable for a life of sanity and some reasonable degree of order. But I have not yet come to a point where I know exactly what to do to change this.

I feel a heart-sinking envy of the kids who come to class on time on the day the paper is due with their papers done and looking calm, no bags under their eyes, looking like they have taken the time to shower and put a little bit of care into getting dressed. I wish I could do that. Living the last minute life is no way to live. And I basically don't have the option of living that way anymore anyway, I have gotten post-deadline extensions so many times that I have all but conditioned the last-minute adrenaline response out of me. Forty-five minutes before the thing is due, when my brain is finally kicking in, I'm thinking, "Oh, the professor will let me turn this in a day late." But that very thought turns the adrenaline response off, and puts me back in the state where purposive action short-circuits the very intellectual thought that I need to act on. "A day late" becomes weeks or months late, and I stop going to class out of embarassment and shame. This after I had chattered with the professor about the class with such sincere enthusiasm earlier in the semester. Now what is he or she to think?? I must be a devious brown-noser, and I wasn't sincere about loving the class after all. Oh but I was completely sincere, Professor. I just can't do the work.

I can't rely on the relaxed, no-pressure state either, because it totally precludes any planning. I can only get to that state if I don't mean to. I posted another thread "Don't discipline yourself; instead shift your inclination," basically referring to exactly this method. It's a good trick, if you can somehow make yourself not mean to do your work so that you can do your work, but I don't think that method is sustainable for the long-term either.

So the frantic, urgent state compromises sanity, and the relaxed, intention-less state compromises any organization to the process of productivity. There has got to be a better way, something besides the desperation and sinking self-hatred I feel in the moments when I come down out of the clouds and take a look at my life. I am lucky that my neurological make-up guards me from unhappiness the way it does. If the frequency of co-morbibity of ADD and depression is any indication, many ADDers aren't as lucky as I am to have a beautiful refuge in the clouds. But I have to say, when I do come down out of the clouds and look at the state I have brought my life to, it's enough to depress even me, if only momentarily. (I am neurologically incapable of staying on the ground long.)

The only other non-medicated trick I have been able to come up with is the one I stated in my thread "Interesting cognitive trick for focusing on schoolwork". You've seen this one too, Fly Away. It's the thread where I related how much better I can focus and really think productively in those moments when I am on some level thinking about something else that I want to go get up and do. The reason this works is that when I am conscious of something terrestrial, something else on the ground, in real-life, something outside of my up-in-the-clouds reflective reverie, it's like throwing me a line. I now have something to hold onto that is connected to the ground, and this grounds my thinking a little, makes it easier for me to think in the context of producing something understandable, for at least a few minutes anyway. But is this sustainable for a lifetime of productivity? I don't think it is.

My latest guess is that I need a drug that will allows my brain to function for a sustained time period the way it functions in those few minutes. I need a lifeline that I can reach and grasp to pull myself down out of the clouds. Or maybe I can pull myself down out of the clouds on my own, I just need a brain that will continue functioning once I reach the ground. What I really need is something to douse and dissolve the insurmountable firewall in my brain between thought and action. That I know I can't do by myself. I really hope that what I am experiencing is not basically the good old-fashioned writer’s block that everyone experiences. Isn’t writer’s block when you don’t know what you want to write, when you just can’t think of anything? When the creative thought process simply isn’t happening for you? It happens for me, all the time, I just can’t get to it with my fully conscious brain and harness the thoughts produced by my intellectual creative process.

My best guess is the drug Modafinil, or Provigil as its brand name goes. It increases “vigilance”, which (thanks to your help) I understand to be attunement to surrounding environment. Perhaps being more vigilant, for me, would be like being grounded, like those few moments when I can function on the ground, thinking on multiple levels at one time instead of getting lost in either the big picture or the tiny details, consciously processing my thoughts and verbalizing them according to my own volition. As I think I have said elsewhere, ADD for me is not being overrun by stimuli, it’s being impenetrable to stimuli. Wouldn’t this just be a matter of hyper-vigilance vs. hypo-vigilance? If I could be more alert to my immediately surrounding environment, this would be like coming down out of the clouds, no? Then perhaps thinking would not be such an act of drifting and wandering that is so vulnerable to dissipation upon the slightest exertion of effort, will, or volition?? Maybe, just maybe, this is what I need to bring down that damnable neurological firewall in my head. Or maybe I am just reaching and grasping for anything that will offer me hope.

It’s funny. I’ve read that a lot of kids with ADD come to college thinking that their Adderall or their Ritalin is like some kind of smart pill, or some kind of miracle drug that will make learning information or writing papers easy or effortless. I think most of us here at ADDforums know that that is not the case at all. Whatever you take, if it works, it just gets you up to a funtionable baseline, a place where you have access to your own abilities. That’s all I want. I don’t want to be superhuman; I don’t even want to be any smarter than I am. I’ll take what I’ve got, if I could just get to it. It's not a matter of trying harder; I've been trying harder all my life. I am willing to work hard, I even like working hard. I just need someone to disable the neurological mechanism whereby the slightest exertion of effort shatters every last remnant of ability.


On a brighter note, I can take comfort in the knowledge that I have the love and support of parents who are dedicated to my well-being, and friends who love me regardless of my many failures. The parents were tough to deal with for a while, but the more we realize that my life-long peculiarities and difficulties are neurologically based, the more understanding and supportive they become. They are amazing people, definitely of the "glass is half-full" variety. They figure that now that they know about it, they can help get me what I need to learn to deal with it. They also (my mother especially) respond to the new knowledge that I have ADD with ever greater admiration for me, because they conclude that during all those years of grade school achievement I must have been surmounting an obstacle posed by a neurobiological disorder none of us knew I had. My parents regard the situation with a positive attitude and they treat me with endless unconditional love. I could ask for nothing more. I am truly lucky to have been born to those two people. I only wish I didn't have to be such a financial strain on them at the very time in their lives when they thought the financial strain of children was going to lighten. I am the second of two children, the only one still financially dependent. Just as I have the frustration of not being able to plan my life at all because I never know when or if I am going to graduate from college, my parents have the frustration of not knowing when to plan for their retirement because the timing of that is dependent on when their second kid finally gets out on her own.



Now about you, hun. (This is to Fly Away.) I have a thought after reading some of your posts and writing about my guess that I am hypo-vigilant. Perhaps, even though you no longer suffer from PTSD, you are still a little hyper-vigilant to a degree. Perhaps this is why you become so easily over-stimulated, because you are so very receptive to all stimuli? Secondly, I am not sure what your line of work is, but just reading your last post, about how you love art and enjoy figuring out how to promote creativity using different learning styles, and then thinking back to how energetic and fun you are, I can't help thinking that you would love working in education. I would think you would be an amazing teacher at the elementary school level. Kids would just feed of of your energy and adore you! No worries about them thinking you are immature! Would you consider teaching? Or even teaching art at an elementary school? Also, have you ever heard of art therapy? Maybe that is something you might want to look at? Whatever you do, it has to be something that capitalizes on your strengths. Nothing straight-laced!


Okay, I have spent about 6 hours on this message. (I don't watch time. That's another of my ADD tendencies, again I think related to my under-vigilance, or underawareness of my presence in the context of my surroundings, whether spacial, temporal, or general life surroundings. I am too lost in my reverie, which today I have projected onto this computer screen. But I am also not capable of JUST sitting here in front of the comp the whole time, so of course I have spent part of the last 6 hours pacing around, or making food, or jumping around, etc.) Anyway, time to end this very long post and try to put myself in either of my two states that allow productivity. So hard to do artificially and intentionally, but I'll do my best to not try to do work, but to make my work my whim, or I'll pump myself with 6 cups of coffee and stay up until 8 AM tomorrow and feel frazzled and harried and awful but maybe get something done. Oh the joy of ADD!

[Way Too Flighty]

By the way, Fly Away, Happy Mother's Day!